Winnipeg Chronicles #2: Girl Type Thing

The Town Halo – A.C. Newman

Nobody has ever accused me of being a ladies man, but if there’s one thing I’ve always had the pleasure of knowing it is the company of women. I won’t get into the long history of it, suffice to say that, for whatever reason, the Lord saw fit to grace me with an overwhelming libido at an early, early age. That, and a thin, wiry frame that has proven invaluable in the escape of predators.

My dependence on the fairer sex was not something I considered when I decided to leave Markham. Whether it was because I’ve taken that aspect of my life for granted or I grossly underestimated the time it would take me to become the toast of Winnipeg, I’m not sure. It didn’t cross my mind. Two weeks in, I find myself concerned.

Maria Zoetic. That was the name of a girl who I met at Queen’s University when Brian and I were selected to take a class there in high school. Best. Week. Ever. I remember how I broke the ice with Maria. We were told to write our names on these pieces of paper they put on our desks. Me being the lame ass I am, I wrote it as plain as can be. The girl next to me prettied hers up with some flowers or rainbows or some other queer stuff and I made a crack about it. She told me her name was Maria. I eventually asked her if she wanted to meet me for lunch. For some reason that whole episode ended with her in tears, but it’s a blur to me now.

I think about that girl who I used to meet at her locker every day. We’d share a cookie and I didn’t flirt, so much as attempt to engage her in a conversation that might reveal whether she had any feelings for me beyond friendship. Eventually, I found out though in the long run I realize I should have just let that one go.

There were all the girls I worked with at Food Basics who gave me a taste for brown women. I was old enough that they could look at me with respect and reverence, but not so old that the occasional romantic overture would seem creepy. Even though I spent most of my time fixated on Adriana, I still remember the time that this other girl let her hair down. I’d never noticed her in that way before, in fact I didn’t even recognize her at first, but man, she was lovely that day. I can’t remember her name for the life of me.

I’m going on about this because I don’t have a female presence in my life right now and tragically, it feels like it’s been that way for a while. I don’t mean just having female friends, I have plenty of those, but I need a new one. It’s not even about when you meet someone and you walk that thin line between sexual attraction and friendship. That’s played out. I just like…not knowing, you know? I like meeting a girl who I know nothing about and forming (or not) a connection from that nothing. You can have a hundred conversations with that person and not learn a damn thing about them, but hey, for whatever reason you’ve had a hundred conversations. I live for that stuff.

I’m not sure whether I’m starting to warm up to the women of Winnipeg or if my standards are rapidly dropping, nay, plummeting. Either way, I’m considering one of two options, each with their own benefits and pitfalls:

1) Random bus stop girl

Even though the hazards of attempting to talk to someone in transit have been discussed ad nauseum in this web space, I’m getting to the point where I might give it a shot. It’s Winnipeg! Everyone’s supposed to be friendly here. Hopefully that explanation will suffice in a Manitoba court of law. Your Honour, you’ve got to understand I was desperate…and it’s Winnipeg!

2) The landlady

Her name is Livia Looker. No joke. She’s like a vintage Superman character. She’s definitely good looking even by Toronto standards (if I can even remember them!) and she wears glasses so that’s a big turn on. Plus, she sits in her office all day dealing with the petty grievances of immigrants and jerk offs. I’ve got to be able to provide some entertainment for her, right? My big worry here is that I’m not sure about the legality of my staying at Derek’s apartment for an indeterminate amount of time and that could lead to some awkward/comical/sexy moments. On this week’s episode, Alex gets evicted…by the woman he loves!


Hey, the final season of Lost starts this week! How about that. I think now would be a great time for us all to take a step back from what has become a pop culture juggernaut and remember the simpler times. A girl has got to eat.

Why did she crop me out of all of these pictures?
No, it’s good. If Nancy didn’t care about you she’d leave you in, but she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there. She feels weird in a good way.
“Weird in a good way,” huh? Like going to the gym drunk.
She changed her status from “Working On It” to “Weirdsies”.
O M F G.



Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.



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