I Need To Stop Caring About Diablo 3

So the armour clad, dual crossbow wielding, fire shooting Demon Hunter has been announced as the fifth and final class for Diablo 3!

Wheeeeeee.

Whatever happened to the word “akimbo?” How come it’s all “dual” or “dual wield?” She has akimbo crossbows, dammit! That’s the lexicon I grew up with – where John Woo and Counter-Strike are still relevant pop culture concepts, at least in my mind.

Oh and battle arenas as well…? I don’t know, whatever. I’m surprised at myself for getting so excited about these trivial table scraps they throw us once a year for this game – that by all indications won’t even come out during my natural lifespan. This is the big announcement I’ve been waiting like two years to hear? That the fifth class is really just the Amazon repackaged as an Assassin?

I mean that is…STILL PRETTY SUPER AWESOME!!!

I wonder if I will still feel this excited about Diablo 3 when it finally comes out after nuclear apocalypse has decimated the world and indirectly leads to the rising of the cyberzombie ice age.

One can only hope.

– Someone built the Turtle Van. THE FUCKING TURTLE VAN, DUDE. And it was a girl – A GIRL! She looks like April O’Neil on steroids. I want to have sex with her in the van and then yell out “I LOOOOOOVE BEING A TURTLE!!!” Has anyone made Ninja Turtle porn parodies yet? I am going to do a quick Google search to check.

EDIT: I should have not checked.

– This is the new Conan promo that I had previously mentioned. In person, not in this space. And only to a select number of people in person. Really only to myself. In the mirror. While I was on the computer, watching this.

– This is a disturbingly dead on imagining of Lex Luthor and Joker as a Calvin and Hobbes by Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo that was released as a filler story in Superman/Batman #75 (a terrible, terrible comic otherwise). Pitch perfect, for all properties involved. Just fantastic. And while we’re here, let’s visit Peter and Uncle Ben. I can’t find the original Calvin and Hobbes this parodies (dammit!), but it’s absolutely perfect, panel for panel. This is also a fantastically/horrifyingly accurate summary of all recent Spider-Man continuity as well, except – believe it or not – it actually sounds more believable and rational when presented here, by an eight year-old. One of the greatest displeasures I have had as a comic book nerd in recent years has been reading One More Day. I dropped that book like a sack of potatoes – I couldn’t even enjoy it ironically like it should be.

And to round it out, here is this miscellaneous no name parody Dalvin and Holly.

I’m Caster Troy!