He’s A Bi-Winner

Celebrity tabloids and “entertainment news” rarely interest me, because as a general rule of thumb, I don’t like to acknowledge celebrities as real people. What do I care of Zhang Ziyi is dating some rich Jewish dude or Natalie Portman’s crazy new ballet-crafted body will be destroyed by pregnancy? How does this information improve my life? It doesn’t – I want celebrities to stay strictly within their mediums, and not to bother me when I am not watching their shows or whatever. They should be electrocuted when they stray outside their boundaries, like when animals attempt to escape from their zoo enclosures.

This whole Charlie Sheen thing though…this one’s pretty awesome. I had no idea what was going on at first, and I was just dismissing all as standard borish celebrity noise, but then I watched this fantastic interview with him on Good Morning America and goddamn, that man is on fire right now, I am so in awe of where he is right now. Dude is dropping lines like…

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

…I mean, WHAT!?! First off, we all now have to call cocaine “Charlie Sheen” and second…Charlie Sheen is a helluva drug.

Why cancel Two and a Half Men!?! Wouldn’t that show be hotter than it ever has? I’m finally interested in tuning in for the first time in its entire existence, because of this man – he has made this show more relevant now than it has ever been. There is absolutely no one in the world that is not thinking about what Charlie Sheen’s going to do next. I wouldn’t even be surprised if this was all like some Joaquin Phoenix type manufactured nonsense, like some brilliantly orchestrated publicity move to make one last grab for eternal celebrity stardom.

And what’s all this about him having a “meltdown” and all that? The man is completely in control – he is not melting down, he is blowing the fuck up! He is an aging television sitcom star nearing the end of his fame, enjoying an incredible Steve Nash level resurgence of notoriety normally seen in 80’s rock stars in the prime of their lives. If he pulls off Major League 3 after this, he’s right back up there as an A-list movie star again (similar to the Robert Downey Jr career arc). And I’m loving every single moment of this crazy ride.

– Just some quick links I need to get off my figurative desk…first look at Agent Smith as the Red Skull. Looks really cool, blah blah blah, LOOK AT HYDRA BELT BUCKLE!!! If Marvel doesn’t license the shit out of that merchandise, they would be fools…or maybe just fearful of what selling Nazi-related paraphernalia would do to their publicly traded stock prices. But just because HYDRA worked with the Nazis, looked like the Nazis, and also have incredibly similar goals of installing a neo-facist New World Order like the Nazis, it doesn’t mean they are the Nazis. Let’s be sensible here people, and recognize how baller that belt buckle would make me look. I feel like we’re drifting away from the important issues here.

– Here is the full version of the State Farm jingle, as performed by Weezer. I leave it here for your consumption, without comment…except to say that I honestly think this some of the best stuff they’ve done in years (because that means a lot).

– Apparently a new drug called whoonga is dominating South Africa, and it is made of weed, detergent, rat poison, and HIV medication. Yes, they are stealing the antiretroviral drugs from HIV patients and smoking them up, because that is the thing to do in South Africa now. I seriously thought this was an Onion News bit, but I guess it is not. This is so fucked up and yet so characteristically Africa that I can’t imagine reacting to this in any way other than laughter. Jesus Christ…Africa, get your shit together, COME ON, goddammit.

I don’t know man, I was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them, because that’s how I roll.