Keeping Optimistic

Sometimes I carry a pager, for business purposes. Today is the first day of my last week on pager rotation for another six months. I think I found a way home. And this last job…that’s how I get there.

One last job.

– Whoa, hold up…another slick trailer for a comedy action that features a 2010 Academy Award for Best Actor nominee, Danny McBride making cock jokes, marijuana humour, and a director who previously helmed a property that I personally enjoyed? How can this go wrong!?! I have never ever before been disappointed under these exact set of specific circumstances!

– After that, I will be looking forward to The Hand Job, which may or may not actually exist. McLovin, Maeby Fünke, Aubrey Plaza, Donald Glover, Andy Samberg and also Connie Britton from everyone’s favourite show Spin City…how can this go wrong!?! This is weird so far because I haven’t even really heard of this movie outside of this IMDB page so I’m not even convinced it’s real…although I remember having similar suspicions for months before The Expendables was officially announced. And that movie was certainly not disappointing at all, in any way, shape, or form. No sir.

– Robots have now learned to stick pipes down human throats while drugging us with knockout gas. They call it “intubation” and “general anesthetic” but I don’t have time for fancy doctor double speak. Now when the robot uprising happens and we are all raped by our former cybernetic servants, they will be able to do it without bruising our esophaguses. The next step will be to teach them how to shave us naked, throw us in goo pods, and make us power their batteries while we live on docilely in virtual reality. Humankind will only benefit from this discovery, there is no way this will end up badly.

– So here is a wacky article that notes that doing things like showering everyday, household cleaning, rinsing after brushing your teeth, or sleeping eight hours a day is stupid and will make you die. Haha, “fyrste sleepe” – that sounds so gay. Based on the completely unbiased and comprehensive information in the article, I am now the healthiest man in the world. I have now transcended sickness and the weaknesses of conventional human flesh and am free to live my life with that assumption in mind, without suffering an consequences at all.

– Apparently colony of fire ants are able to survive for months adrift on water by banding together and becoming a super-organism. And now scientists will teach these lessons to robots. So we got that going for us as well.

Downwards is the only way forwards.