Furiously Fast News

Holy shit, did you hear the news today? What a momentous triumph and an inspiring event that evokes the depths of the human experience. I’m sure that deep into my twilight years, I’ll still remember where I was when I heard the news today, just like I remember where I was when this whole thing started back in 2001.

Yes, I’m happy to announce to those of us who have not heard yet…Fast Five made $83.6 million in its opening weekend, biggest of the year so far, biggest ever for the month of April, and the biggest ever for Universal.

What an amazing national triumph. I can only assume all this crazy media buzz today is about that, as I don’t really actually like to read the news as much as experiencing it as a general, non-specific sensation.

I can’t believe Justin Lin is a legitimate successful big budget director now. He’s getting the next Terminator movie, which is apparently looking to reunite the original cast…? This news is from a site called LatinoReview.com so it has to be true, I guess. I can only hope that his motives to push the agenda of the Asian male are not lost like Osama bin Laden hidden deep within the caves of his heart.

God, we will never find that guy.

– I really thought I posted this last year when it came out, but I’m not sure if I actually ever did…and now that I recently stumbled onto it again, I figure I’d just put it up anyway. This is a stand up bit from Steven Ho, champion of the Asian male agenda and former Conan guest. It’s quite a novel bit, wherein he details a funny story about trying to seduce his wife while wearing a Ninja Turtle foam head. This is his wife, by the way. Excellent work, Mr. Ho, although I would personally have gone with the line “Donatello does MORE than machines, baby.”

– I am seriously wondering if this is the greatest fake trailer I have ever seen, in the sense that I would watch the fucking shit out of this movie. Wicked idea as a fake trailer and also as a legitimate movie – it’s a little clunky and choppy, but the basic premise is pretty clear, I think. In that Inception + The Dark Knight = movie that is good. At first I was kind of surprised that they were able to find so many complementing scenes from so many different movies…but then I realized that most of the movies were by Christopher Nolan, which are all basically about the same things in the end anyway (ie. the protagonist is nuts). And in addition to the Wolverine ties with the footage cut in from The Prestige, you’ll note that the soundtrack is from The Fountain, in which he co-stars in along with Encino Man‘s wife from The Mummy.

– Sometimes I find a link that I just feel obligated to post, just based on content, regardless of quality. This opening for Man Made, which combines Portal 2 with Mad Men (did you see what they did there!?!) is one such link, although that is not to say that this isn’t top quality stuff. It’s just that I would have been legally obligated to post this even if it was the crappiest fake opening about a game I love juxtaposed into a show I love that was ever made. Although now I am forced to ask the question of whether I should bold the titles of fictional shows…and the fact that I’m not 100% of the answer puts me in a strange uncomfortable grey zone of awkwardness that I am unsure of how to escape.

– Oh, actors. I wish I could do what you do.

Second of all, if the President is so serious on the War on Terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It’s time for a change America, that’s why I’m voting for Osama in 2008.

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Destined to fight the world's evil, The WAMBAG endures massive battles involving impossible stunts, races on horse-pulled carriages, and the desecration of enchanting medieval castles (all done with dizzying computer graphics). Not only does the eye candy keep on coming, the tongue-in-cheek writing and deep Transylvanian accents perfect the film with a dose of dark humor.

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