Breaking News From Last Week

Everyone caught up on all the video game news coming out of E3? The Wii U? Hilarious stuff.

The big buzz is all around the new Vanillaware game for PS3, which looks pretty awesome. I’m thrilled to finally get a chance to play a Vanillaware game, since I’ve really just admired them from afar until now…although this won’t even come out for another nine months or whatever. Also, the lead dude had originally worked on Capcom’s sublime Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom arcade side scroller (which claimed endless amounts of my quarters in my youthful arcade days) and wants to evoke Golden Axe and The King of Dragons…so I mean, shit, that is right there the all time top three entries in that fantasy side scrolling beat ’em up genre, that’s nothing but good news. And the fact that this was originally a Dreamcast project!?! That’s just not fair to me.

Plus, the whole DEATH BY SNU-SNU vibe from the Amazon is pretty funny.

Also pretty cool to me was how Starfox 64 3D is coming out, where you can actually see the faces of enemy players from the 3DS’ camera in multiplayer. Hilarious for two reasons – the first of which is that it’s still called Starfox 64, which was named for the Nintendo 64, which in turn was named for its 64-bit processor. I know it’s just called that because it’s a straight port of the original game and not a sequel…but the fact that the 3DS is more powerful than any console Nintendo has ever produced just makes it seem wacky to me.

Secondly, this will raise the bar to an all time high if people still want to troll strangers with dick pics – you’ll also need to simultaneously keep your face in frame as well, in order to see the screen. Can you point the camera at your penis and still play competently? That will be the question. …or you could just put someone else’s penis near your face while you play, which would solve both problems. Again, the bar goes up.

And if you think it’s weird that I just automatically assume that all new camera technology will be abused like that, well then, you’re just ignorant and naive to the ways of the world.

Also no post is complete without more Mass Effect 3 gushing, so this means a link to the new Mass Effect 3 trailer, even though everyone’s probably seen it already. Got to love Commander Shepard’s game plan of “we fight or we die” which really doesn’t sound very helpful to anyone. Although it does sound like it comes straight out of the playbook of another master military tactician – Captain America, whose standing order to the Avengers in every scenario is to “Hit ’em hard, and hit ’em fast!” I guess their standings as brilliant strategic leaders of their respective fictional universes is established more by telling than showing.

But how ’bout that trailer? Omni-tools can now extend out to form blades to be used in melee fighting? God, this is how awesome personal computers in the future end up? If that doesn’t give you a raging erection, then I don’t know what will. This Kinect voice recognition functionality is admittedly pretty cool too, but I suspect it’s probably better on paper than in practice. …like most things when it comes to the Kinect.

Also, did you remember that Diablo 3 is going to be coming out at some point as well? Runestones! They look like the colours in Magic.

Hello, my friend. Stay awhile and listen…