Keith Carmickle: American Hero

Did everyone watch the whirlwind of excitement that was the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby last night like I did? God, it was so exciting, wasn’t it? Just three breezy hours of Chris Berman completely losing his shit after every homer…all 106 of them. The delightful night in Arizona also featured some fat fuck almost falling off a railing trying to catch a ball. This of course is only four days after another fan actually fell to his death in Texas doing pretty much the same thing. These pictures of this fatass white douchebag in plaid shorts from Arizona are absolutely fantastic though…I mean, what an amazing human being. Check out this tasty lick…

“I stepped up on the table, I missed the ball by 2 or 3 feet and went over,” he said. “We caught three balls and I told the guys I was going to go for the cycle. Dude, they were really holding onto me.”

Last week, a 39-year-old fan, Shannon Stone, died while trying to catch a ball thrown into the stands at a Rangers game in Arlington, Texas.

Carmickle’s brother grabbed his arms and Aaron Nelson of Chandler held his legs.

“He wasn’t going down, I was holding on,” Nelson said.

Carmickle said he wasn’t worried while he was dangling.

“I bench-press 500 pounds, and I wasn’t going down,” he said.

Brilliance. Don’t worry guys, he was never really in danger – I mean after all, we’re talking about a guy who can bench 500 pounds here. So everyone just settle down. What do you think he’s trying to convey with that statement? That he could have just used his raw brute strength to escape danger while suspended 20 feet above soft, forgiving concrete by only his arm and his leg? (I would think it’d be tough to get leverage in a position like that, just hanging there like a fucking asshole, but since I can’t bench press 500 pounds, what do I know?)

He doesn’t really look like he works out that much though, so I guess he is just really fucking strong and tough. Like one of those guys who is just naturally very badass and shit without trying.

Considering the inherent uncoolness of anyone above the age of 12 at a normal ballgame wearing a glove or really making any deliberate action of any degree to try and catch a ball…and then considering that this was at the Home Run Derby, where there are multitudes more balls available…and also that he had already caught three balls already…only then do you realize just how special of a human being this guy is.

Well done, Keith Carmickle. Well done.

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