The Darkest Timeline

I burned my fingers over the weekend in a glassblowing accident, and showered yesterday with my bandaged left hand in a Ziploc bag. That is where my life is right now.

– Aubrey Plaza on meeting Ryan Gosling – “I think he has a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll murder her someday and we’ll be together forever.” Good times.

– So apparently they are going to make a sequel to X-Men: First Class, which is pretty predictable news since it made tons of cash. I am really just posting this to say that I have a strange attraction to the pictured newly resigned Fox president Emma Watts. She seems like she’d be right at home on the set of Spin City.

– Whoo, Moneyball, blah blah blah. Do you want to see an outtake where Brad Pitt giggles like an asshole for like three straight minutes? Course you do.

– Capcom recently revealed the secret characters that will be in the upcoming Street Fighter X Tekken crossover game, and the reveal is pretty fucking amazing. For one, Pac-Man! But also…Mega Man! From the original box art! Yes, that is a glock in his hand, dude was packing heat back then. Not only is this needlessly cruel, but it’s done in such a hilariously deliberate way. Think of all the hours they spent perfecting the character model (I think the yellow bit on the helmet is even tilted slightly to match the shitty boxart) and balance and play testing all of his moves list. It’s like the most elaborate gag gift of all time, I love it. Never have I seen a company just straight up antagonize it’s fanbase so blatantly since they made Ferris Bueller grow up into a car salesman. Wait, what?

– Because the only missing thing about the whole Ferris Bueller experience was the novelty of seeing him age 30 years and hock shitty $20,000 SUVs…your life is now complete. I’m so glad we were able to revisit all of that and be blessed with the proper note of closure that the movie was so sorely lacking. Also, did you know that Sloane’s last gig was in 2007 as the sex addicted ex-wife/best friend of a gay bull/pig muppet couple, and that Ed Rooney is now a registered sex offender? Have I entirely ruined this movie’s capacity to bring you joy ever again yet? Good times.

Man, that is such a bummer. It’s like if they retroactively went back in time and turned an untouchable pop culture icon like Darth Vader or something into some snotty brat who was bullied all the time and cried because he missed his mommy, just to sell action figures of his spiffy looking space race car and his wacky alien sidekick.

“Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair and I lost an arm.”
“Exactly! Life got dark!”