Man In The Machine

I woke up this morning expecting pancakes to be waiting for me in my kitchen for some reason.

There were none. I live by myself and did not actually sleepcook them prior to waking up. I don’t even have any stuff to make pancakes with in my place, it was a wholly unreasonable expectation to have had.

– “Professional athlete” Bartolo Colon threw 8 innings of 4-hit, no-walk ball in Oakland’s 6-0 win over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (man that sounds stupider each time I see it) last night, at one point throwing an absurd 38 strikes in a row. That seems like a lot to me, but only because everyone keeps saying that it was a lot – I have no historical context in which to compare this feat against. Apparently the second longest streak was 30 by Tim Wakefield in the last 24 years there’s been data to check, but I still don’t know what that means. Teammate Johnny Gomes even said…

“You can’t get 38 strikes out of a pitching machine,” Oakland outfielder Jonny Gomes said. “I’ve never seen anything remotely close.”

I think it might be time to buy a new pitching machine then, because I think that is the singular purpose having a pitching machine – to throw strikes. You can only Moneyball this shit so far, Oakland. It still doesn’t really sound that impressive (I mean some of them are hits!) but yet there is an entire three minute, 50 second video of every pitch. God, just look at his Olympian physique. That is who I am going to model my softball game after. I mean I am a third baseman that doesn’t pitch, but it’s all in the fundamentals.

Similarly, I want to model my handshake game after young gun Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie. Not my actual game though, that would make no sense.

No, I’m going to model my actual game after this Adonis.

– Holy shit, the Canadian mint is issuing special edition dinosaur quarters. And its skeleton glows in the dark! I want to pay for something using nothing but glow in the dark, legal dinosaur tender. Like just roll up to a car dealership and open a suitcase full of 300,000 quarters and just make it rain, Cretaceous style. And this suitcase would probably outweigh the actual car you’re buying, which just makes it even that much more baller.

– More bullshit Prometheus viral advertising, this time another Weyland Industries (completely different from the Weyland-Yutani Corporation from Alien) video featuring their newest android model or whatever. It makes sense – I mean if future sex doll technology is so advanced, obviously there’s no sexual adventures left for humans on Earth…thus they take to the stars to find weirder things to have sex with. I’m pretty sure that’s the concept that Star Trek was based on, what with all their holodecks and whatnot. My favourite thing about the video is how they are delivered in these bags full of milky liquid and Styrofoam cubes that you can hang in your closet – now that is something that belongs on the set of The Spotter. You can also check out the capabilities of its “99% emotional sensitivity level” on the movie site here. I’m not sure about you, but looks like Fassbender enrolled into the Ron Swanson school of acting for this one. Playing a robot in a movie requires a difficult subtly that is not always appreciated by audiences. Few can really capture it, and fewer still can master it.

Also, apparently the word is that the planet the Prometheus crew is investigating will be LV-223, which is completely different from the planet from the first two Alien movies, LV-446. So again, to anyone that thinks this movie is even remotely linked to any existing franchises, here’s yet another piece of cold hard evidence to shut you all up.

– This is both topical and well done! Cutting stupid moments into famous movies is really pretty great.

– I’m not sure how to put this gently…but I think I hate Zooey Deschanel. Like maybe it’s just too much now, every time I see one of these things I just want to tell her to take all that magic pixie bullshit and shove it. Fuck your quirkiness, if you’re wondering if it’s raining, LOOK OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW

I wrote this song a long time ago
It was the dopest song I ever wrote
In ’94