The Trick Is Not Minding It Hurts

Man…wow. I have been so busy with so many unexpected life events lately. The past month has just flown by, and I can’t even remember when I last had a chance to partake in my absolute favourite activity in the world – posting on this site. I mean just look at all the crazy things that I’ve been so busy with this past month.

– Playing Diablo 3.

I mean who has time to do anything else with so much on your plate!?!

Let’s bang out some quick links that have accrued so that I can get back to repeatedly rage quitting this fucking shitty game because I’m getting stuck with like 30,000 gold repair bills whenever I get merced by ball sucking mortar/fast/vortex spiderlings. Fuck this game and fuck you right in the fucking asshole, fucking Blizzard fucks. Why the FUCK would you jack repair costs so high in an effort to balance this game, that’s going in the complete opposite fucking direction, you fucking FUCKS. Can’t believe you nerfed my murder meatballs as well, my Demon Hunter is now both impotent in addition to being excessively squishy. FUCK EVERYTHING about this lag filled single player bullshit, I hate it with all of my heart, and I hate that I want to be playing it all the time even though I’d probably be having a better time smashing my dick with a hammer.

At least Dark Souls was hard in a rational, logical fashion which rewarded you for smart and patient gameplay, and was actually still possible to succeed within the context of a realistic framework. It was like running a marathon obstacle course while being chased by packs of wild dogs, I mean it’s hard to avoid them, but it’s possible. Diablo just locks you up in a room with those wild dogs, and also those wild dogs are actually rabid bears and they have knives for dicks and want to rape you. You can’t succeed without insanely good loot, and you can’t grind for that loot without owning that loot in the first place, because it’s actually a pay to win MMORPG without the MMORPG multiplayer experience included. Worst game ever.

And yet I have 122 hours logged and counting, and I’ve only played two characters. I finished Dark Souls inside of 50 hours and haven’t touched it since.

– Conan recently did a bit where he sent Jack McBrayer to The Wieners Circle in Chicago, and it’s pretty great.

– I think the general consensus I’m getting is that Prometheus is the greatest movie ever made by man, correct? (Spoilers for the rest of this bit.) I mean yes, all the characters are idiots and no one acts in a logical fashion that allows for audience empathy, it’s full of enormous plot holes, and dissolves into a mindless monster movie with pitifully unrealized epic sci-fi aspirations. But man was it fun to look at and the entire first half of exposition was really enjoyable. For your reading pleasure, I will direct you to an interesting fan theory of what the movie was actually about as well as some official creator quotes about the movie. You can pick and choose whatever tidbits you’d like to buy into, and it really doesn’t change the depth or quality of the movie, but it’s a neat read regardless. (One huge whole in the Space Jesus theory…how does a dude getting a spear in his side on Earth 2,000 years ago cause Engineers 40 light-years away to simultaneously die? Actually the fact that they’re dead is a huge plot hole in the movie regardless of what theory’s behind it.)

And another possible element to other fan theories is snuffed out here, in which the “linguist teacher” for the movie (who also cameos as the holographic professor telling David to repeat after him at the beginning of the movie) translates what David actually said to the Engineer during the climatic scene of the movie. Spoiler alert – it is not “Please rip off my head and bludgeon this old to death with it.”

Also, I don’t know a thing about Damon Lindelof and what he’s done or how he’s like, but just reading some of his quotes on that site makes me really annoyed by him. There’s so much pretentious banter in there that almost have to be interpreted as slights to audience intelligence – like “oh why would you think this” or “oh did this happen or did this?”

I don’t fucking know, you’re supposed to be the storyteller, asshole! Not everything needs to be absolutely defined in a movie, but why are audiences expected to jump to alternate conclusions that completely contradict things explicitly shown on screen, and if you’re bringing up random bullshit plot questions that we never had any interest in the first place, shouldn’t you maybe also answer a couple of them!?!

Still, great experience, good movie, especially if you ignore all the bad parts.

– Jess sometimes wishes she could play Dungeons & Dragons with a group, because the Penny Arcade guys seem like they’re having so much fun with it, and also because she is naive and doesn’t understand why the perfect idealized concepts of things are sometimes different in reality. But sometimes I see classic examples of jerkish shitfuckery from players like this and this and I also yearn for a chance to antagonize a DM like that as well. But my need to be an ass to people is something I can satisfy pretty regularly in my day to day life, so it’s not a big deal.

– Remember that bullshit video game episode of Community that was pretty much like the biggest middle finger any show as ever given to a network asking them to appeal more to the casual or new viewer? Reddit nerds are making a playable version of Journey to the Center of Hawkthorne.

– This is apparently the loosest Aussie bloke ever. Doesn’t matter how simple and stupid the concept is if the execution is good. This one escalates quickly, and it’s excellent.

– Some dude met Bill Murray and instead of asking for just a regular old cell phone picture with him, decided instead to film a fake trailer with him. Brilliant. Just look at all their smug faces, trying not to lose their shit. Also, those guys walking in front of Bill Murray, what’s the deal with that, have some sense guys.

– I saved this link about how Russian scientists have revived a fertile plant from seeds found among the fossilized remains of a 32,000 year old squirrel because I had a funny joke to go along with it, but now I can’t remember it. It was either about wanting to smoke it, or something about 32,000 year-old seed, like semen related or something. Regardless, the link is presented for general interest’s sake at least. I’ll have to edit this post later if I ever remember what I was going to say about it…maybe it was related to speculation that it’s how the new zombie apocalypse starts, when 32,000 year-old plant spores that ancient humans adapted immunity to suddenly reappear thousands of years later, after their descendants had long lost the same adapted genetic immunity. That would be a pretty cool movie to watch, actually. Or maybe not.. (Oops, just ruined that movie for you.)

…I’m sure there was some penis joke in there though, it’s killing me that I can’t remember it right now. Just imagine that it’s a funny one and chuckle appropriately.

– Someone mounted a remote control helicopter with the carcass of their dead cat. Taxidermy continues to be the most awesome thing ever.

– Here’s the opening score of Hitchcock’s Vertigo played over the opening scene of The Dark Knight. It’s amazing.

“What are you doing David?”
“I’m attempting to open the door.”
“Wait, we don’t know what’s on the other side.”
“Whoops, sorry.”