Holistic Mission Critical Synergies

I wouldn’t have thought this was possible when I was still in school, but it’s just the norm now at work. I had a department meeting yesterday that actually featured the following phrases, spoken by real life human beings without a shred of irony. I wrote them down.

• articulate integrated roadmap
• cascade goals back/forth/up/down
• cross functional process improvement
• networking enables intellectual capital growth
• use technology to create channel experiences

If you want a good sense of how a meeting like that feels, Picnicface does a pretty good job of capturing it. It’s scary how accurate it is. Last month, I personally wrote an email that had the word “scalability” in it and it was absolutely the best vocabulary choice available. I regret nothing. But one of these days, I just want one meeting where someone just straight up tells us what stuff they want to do and whom with what the want to do stuff for. Like in normal laymen’s English. There is a limit to leveraging synergies, they can only be leveraged so far before their syergic limits are out-leveraged.

I guess it makes you seem more businessy if you know these words versus someone that doesn’t have a vocabulary full of meaningless buzzwords? I need to become more businessy.

– Haven’t you always wanted a great risotto recipe because that’s like…something you want? Well here you are. End of paragraph.

– Here’s a fun story…in 1954, a plane built in 1933 crashes in Australia, killing the pilot and one of his sons, although the younger son miraculously survives the crash. The son, Des Porter, enjoys his fortune, grows old…and becomes a flight enthusiast, restores the same 1933 model of plane and goes flying with it in 2012…? Tragically, it does not go well. All six people on board are killed, and furthermore, the cause of the crash is reported to be cloud cover and fog, which is something vintage planes from 1933 are not equipped to fly through. So obviously, without saying, a tragic accident, a regrettable incident that led to the untimely deaths of six people and that is something to be very sad and serious about.

On the other hand…what the fuck are you doing getting into a 79 year-old plane, restored or not, and trusting your life to a dude almost that old himself? And for Porter…what the fuck are you doing flying in the same plane that killed your father and brother and almost killed you? Are you just fucking with the universe at that point? “COME AND GET ME YOU BASTARDS!” I imagine the end of that flight to be a lot like this.

– Leave it to white people to not only protest for better dog food but also do it in the lamest, whitest way possible. What’s great is that they take after the Occupy Wall Street protests which I guess was about standing up big company fat cats, but in this case this protest for better pet food is sponsored by Merrick Pet Care, a big pet food company that makes “gourmet entrees” for fat cats. So way to go guys, way to stick it to the man…?

– WAMBAG.COM idol and inspiration site Angry Asian Man is trying to Kickstart a movie called Awesome Asian Bad Guys that I guess is supposed to finally give frequent Asian actor sideshows and villains the spotlight for once. As you could have guessed, it’s still short a lot of money and will probably ultimately not reach it’s funding goal, because it’s not so much that people are racist against Asians…it’s just that they don’t consider them real life human beings and thus don’t care about them. I’d be all for it, but I’ve unfortunately already poured all my money in this fictional Kickstarter that involves a hot Jewish woman.

“I don’t know, it just seems wrong.”
“It’s not wrong. Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all right? Chochkies is wrong. Doesn’t it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?”
“Yeah, but I’m not about to go in and start taking money from the register.”
“Well maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.”