Paying The Price For Your Lack Of Vision

So apparently Star Wars glasses exist…which I had actually assumed to always be the case. I mean these guys license stuff like lightsaber fishing rods – how can licensed eyeglasses not already exist?

But I guess now these ones exist! For only five hundred smackaroos.

The idea of Star Wars glasses is so delightful to me, because obviously…nerds wear glasses, nerds like Star Wars…I mean this not that difficult of a concept to market. They had Cheetos, they had Mountain Dew…why are they not all over the Star Wars branded asthma inhalers yet? Shape them like Vader’s face, add the sound effects to make asthma cool, rake in the money! How hard is this, honestly? There is clearly no need to worry about overuse causing brand dilution, that point came and went decades ago.

You want another freebie, LucasArts merchandising douchebags? Humidifiers shaped like moisture vaporators. (Or should it be dehumidifiers, since they were used in moisture farming…?) Nerds are very particular about the moisture level of their Star Wars themed, womanless bedrooms. Tap into that market. And hey, quit checking out my ass!

Remind me again how Disney managed to scoop this brand up for only $4 billion? They will make that money back in questionably themed tongue candies and Aunt Beru toys (commemorative special edition variant seen here) alone over the next two fiscal years. You were sitting on a gold mine, Lucas!

It’s just the purity of concept with Star Wars glasses that gets me, like a Good Luck Chuck or The Hangover (bonus points for sequel) popped collar polo or something. It just fits, and makes you wonder like…how can this possibly be the first time I’m hearing about these? There’s also just something so wonderful about the thought of bashing nerds that are wearing $500 Boba Fett glasses…maybe it’s the extreme contrast between how cool he was supposed to be in the movies and how cool the Porkins-lookalike motherfuckers that wish to be him actually are, but regardless, it’s amazing.

I know that Fat Anakin owns a pair of these. I know it in my bones. I am more sure of that than I am sure that the sun will rise tomorrow, it is just so undoubtedly unquestionable that he thinks these will help him impress and score with the legions of high school Asian girls his moon-like shadow constantly looms over.

As you can see, I am using these eyeglasses as a metaphor to direct and shape my anger towards a specific focal point, such that it can then be refined into hatred, and then consequently, refined into suffering.

I sound like a big hater of all things Star Wars, but the reality is when I saw the pictures of the R2-D2 glasses distinctive decal on the sides, I was legitimately delighted. A very audible girlish giggle escaped me and for a brief but measurable moment in time, I was actually disappointed that how after the extensive surgical augmentations, I can no longer see with glasses…

Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes.