Men Of Real Steel

Sometimes I lapse and fall back into old habits of going on movie trailer binges. Today has been one of those days. Some big movie developments have come out, and I know you’ve come here to The WAMBAG first for in-depth and extensive analysis of all the angles.

Let’s dive right in!

Oblivion – Tom Cruise as WALL-E? And hey, Morgan Freeman. Okay, I will watch it.

After Earth – And because Hollywood likes to package every movie in pairs, here is the complimenting vehicle with the Smiths, pursuing happyness on post-apocalyptic Earth two months after.

I doubt anyone remembers anything from Bryan Singer’s overly ambitious Superman Returns, but there was this one thread throughout the movie that touched on the idea of Superman’s progeny…the beginning of the movie has him recall what his biological father Jor-El said to him, this bit that goes “You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.” And it’s something that he repeats to his bastard child with Lois near the end of the movie. Apparently audiences weren’t ready for deadbeat dad Superman, so presumably they’re rightfully scrapping the whole idea but whatever, tons more about Superman movies later. However it does remind me of the Will Smith/Jaden Smith tag team here. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.

Is this an attempt for Will Smith to pass on the mantle of Earth’s…Will Smith…to his son? When does the Fresh Prince ascend to kinghood so that we may witness the emergence of a new prince? Now we just have to find a surrogate Uncle Phil. If I was Anthony Anderson or Kenan Thompson, I’d be working my ass off trying to angle into there before Tyler Perry steps in. Dark horse (haha) picks include Cedric the Entertainer or a huge merger with the House of Wayans with one of them in a fat suit.

The Lone Ranger – And hey, another Western with a wacky ethnic dude five months after Django Unchained. But guys it’s okay because Johnny Depp says he’s got some sort of Native American ancestry. But what is the deal with including a sentence in the trailer that starts “If we ride together…” that doesn’t immediately end with the correct words? Disorienting as hell.

Man of Steel – Pa Kent’s kind of an asshole. And I had no idea the ever delightful Amy Adams was in this thing. That was the most interesting part of the trailer to me. Alright, moving on!

Star Trek Into Darkness – I guess Inception horns are the new norm for trailers now. Which I’m okay with, since the novelty hasn’t worn off yet. Weird that the movie title isn’t “Star Trek: <pause> Into Darkness” but is actually a continuous stream of four uninterrupted words, so I guess it’s a slightly more literal trek in space into figurative darkness? Or literal darkness because there is not a lot of light in space? But it’s a star trek, which implies a lot of light…unless they are like burned out neutron stars? Is Sherlock supposed to be Khan or something? This is all very confusing.

Pacific Rim – Yes, the trailer’s finally out, also rocking that Inception BBBRRRRMMM. So this is a monster movie by Guillermo del Toro with giant GLaDOS robots, featuring Stringer Bell giving an inspirational Britishy speech, an actual rocket punch, and starring Sheep’s street in yellowface. There’s really not much else to do now than to wait patiently and then watch the shit out of this movie.

Test audiences must love it, because they’re already working on a sequel. So let’s hope all that hubris doesn’t come back to bite them. I am totally ready for giant robots fighting giant monsters to become a 100% serious big budget movie genre. So ready.

And finally, here’s a sneak peek of the new controversial decision to take the new Fast and the Furious franchise to G-rating territory with the latest installment, Fast Six, alternatively titled Fast and the Furrious. Haha! Low hanging fruit is the best tasting fruit. MC Scratchalot inches closer to reality every day.

HELLO RICKY WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY I WAS STOLEN FROM YOU ON CHRISTMAS DAY
IT WAS A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING
I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU I’M SORRY