A Random May Post

Alright, back in the saddle, let’s do this.

– Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal. So retarded.

– Arrested Development will be out in less than two weeks, Whose Line Is It Anyway? will follow shortly, 24‘s returning, Ramon Ortiz is winning starts again, Michelle Branch has a new full studio album coming out, Vin Diesel’s in goggles again…did I unknowingly time travel back to 2003? Man, if the Leafs manage to re-sign Owen Nolan, they’ll be making deep playoff runs for years. I’m sure all this lockout talk is overblown – even a single lockout would lose everyone millions of dollars and cost all sorts of supporting jobs to be lost by regular people…there’s no way they’ll let that happen even once. Did you hear that Microsoft’s going to be making a new portable music player to compete with the iPod? Can’t wait to listen to all of my Vanessa Carlton jams on that thing after I download them off LimeWire.

– This Lip Sync-Off between John Krasinski and Jimmy Fallon is pretty awesome, can’t lie. Between this and Justin Timberlake showing up all the time to do fun hip hop things, I can only imagine how happy The Roots are to constantly see the genre they helped lovingly redefine being openly mocked by two white guys.

– I don’t really understand the world sometimes. Last year, it was so fashionable for everyone to be all up in arms about kids being up in arms and recruited to fight in wars. This year? It’s all the rage again.

At first I was just thinking about how excited I should be for Hollywood that they’ve found yet line of books to creatively strip mine for nuggets of PG-rated summer blockbusters, and how funny it was going to be to see what all these internet nerds were going to say about adaptations of their precious books that no one’s ever read.

But then I started to recognize character names and plot points that were being reported, started seeing words like “ansible” and “philotes” and I was like…wait hold up, why do I know those words? Have I read this book? And turns out, yes, I have indeed previously read the original quartet (FOUR BOOKS!) at some point in my life, and just completely forgotten I did. It is a weird and somewhat scary feeling to have all this useless “knowledge” – which I had packed away in boxes in the dark, moldy attic of my mind – just topple over and spill out onto the floor of my brain. Is this how Wolverine feels whenever a random Weapon-X memory implant flashes up? I had an unmistakable yearning to strip naked, run into the Canadian wilderness, and kill a deer with my bare hands, so I suspect it could be.

Did reading about Pequeninos and their misunderstood ritual vivisection of dudes seed my current fear and mistrust of all short and/or Portuguese people? And trees? Or was that there before? I can’t even remember when I read these books. Was it at the beginning of high school and I had no friends so I hung out in the library all the time? Or was it during the end of high school and I hated all my friends so I hung out in the library all the time? Where did this knowledge come from and when did I put it in my brain? It is scary to not know how you know things.

– @80sDonDraper is one of the greatest novelty Twitter accounts ever created. So many wonderful gems.

If you do not watch this show and cannot imagine this delivered in Jon Hamm’s eloquent voice or appreciate the beauty of this poetry, then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

– Likewise, if you can’t appreciate the comedy in how these five lost scouting reports are referencing Delmon Young’s unrealized prospect hype, RA Dickey’s lack of an ulnar collateral ligament, or Hunter Pence None The Richer‘s unorthodox playing styles, then I just feel bad for you son. HIT ME!

– Yes, I did totally just realize that I can embed Tweets into my posts now and am now just completely overusing it. And in the interests of presenting yet another bit that requires a very specific overlap of interests to appreciate, here is a random Miami Heat fan commenting on Derrick Rose’s completely justifiable decision not to return back from a blown ACL to help the Chicago Bulls avoid playoff elimination.

Though it might be worth remembering that the first time Goku fought the androids with a heart virus, he lost and was almost killed before being saved by Vegeta. So maybe the point is lost to me here. …is LeBron James Perfect Cell in this metaphor?

– Are you ready for a brand new (predictably stupid) Lonely Island bit synergized with a Between Two Ferns installment? …perhaps? Why not, right? Homosexuality used as an unsuspecting punchline will never stop being funny. Also they are apparently releasing songs (I Fucked My Aunt is the first one, which is really approaching self-parody territory now) on something called Wack Wednesdays that actually has nothing to do with you being able to get an ELGÅ wardrobe frame for $99.99 at IKEA. I, for one, do not appreciate the confusion this causes me.

I mean, what is sex, really?