One With Everything

I became enraged this morning when this woman in front of me in line at Tim Hortons spent like whole minutes picking out the type of bagel she wanted, including asking the cashier what was on an everything bagel. Bitch, everything! A bunch of seeds and shit, no one fucking knows, just buy a goddamn bagel and move on. FUCK, just let me get my stupid coffee and go on with my day. It’s insane that your nonsense is so immeasurably large that it’s become like a celestial body of self-entitlement with its own gravitational pull, and the flow of my day has been sucked right into its pointless orbit and I have to wait until you slowly sort out your asinine bagel preferences before I can reach escape velocity and continue living my life. I only have a finite amount of time on this Earth, I can’t be wasting it starring at the back of your head and hoping I can cause an aneurysm through sheer force of will. I mean, yes, you’re entitled to enjoying the exact type of bagel you want and I’m sure the Tim Hortons cashier is normally a great resource to assist you in your bagel selection process, but have some consideration of context. It’s the morning rush, there’s a dozen people behind you, it’s not the right time to hem and haw about poppy seeds over sesame seeds. Just pick one and commit to its consequences. The series of decisions you will be presented with throughout the rest of your day will be considerably more difficult, you gotta fucking step your game up woman!

I have no idea what you did end up picking because all the blood had rushed out of my head and into my clenched fists causing me to black out in rage momentarily, but whatever you picked, I hope you did not enjoy it. I hope you picked one with seeds and some of those seeds got stuck in your teeth and no one told you the whole day and you only found out until you got home and looked in a mirror and realized how dumb you looked with seeds in your teeth.

– Here is an 18 second long video called “What are frogs?” Did Celebrity Jeopardy really exist? Is it still going? Why male models? All good questions!

– So this is the type of baseball season we’re having and what it means to play meaningful games in mid-August with a division lead… Yesterday as JA Happ collected his major league leading 17th win of the year (and puts him well on pace to be the first 20-win Blue Jays pitcher since Roy Halladay in 2008, which I’m sure is something I’m sure we all saw coming back in April), Josh Donaldson and John Gibbons got into a sort of brouhaha in the dugout following Donaldson’s strikeout in the third inning, which was eventually separated by Troy Tulowitzki and Josh Thole. Instead of becoming the defining moment of another sucky Blue Jays season and being the subject of countless radio call-ins from stupid mouth-breathing Toronto fans and ridiculous articles about “chemistry” and “playing the game the right way” it instead has become something we’re all laughing off. That’s what having a successful team and winning does to a team and the whole prism through which it is perceived. Instead of calling the reigning MVP a spoiled player or calling for the manager to be fired, it’s a hilarious afterthought in the glow of a 7-4 win that keeps Toronto on pace in first in the AL East. What’s the difference between now and when shitty sportswriters and idiot fans were calling Jose Bautista a bad leader or saying Vernon Wells didn’t care because he was smiling too much? There’s actual talent around the stars now and the team is good and the team is winning. Chemistry is the nebulous type of intangible element that winning teams attribute to their success and bad teams blame for their failures, but you know what probably contributes more to a baseball team’s on-field success? Being good at baseball. Though the whole entertainment aspect of this thing with Donaldson was probably helped greatly by (or entirely attributed to) his explanation of the confrontation.

Is it because we’re winning or does this city maybe just like him more than Bautista and Wells because of the colour of his skin? I DON’T KNOW! Just asking the question!

– This is a video where Ron Howard narrates Breaking Bad, and I cannot understand why it has less than two thousand views. …unless this is a stolen version of an original video that sits somewhere else on the internet. That would be a pretty easy explanation I guess.

– I am really enjoying this No Man’s Sky thing from a distance. I don’t know too much about the game, but it has become another entry into the long line of excessively ambitious games that was over-hyped and has under-delivered. I don’t really even understand the core of its appeal – it’s just an exploration game? Yeah but how do you get points? Are there space aliens to kill? Are you lost and trying to get home? Do you just want your kids back? Nobody just makes a game for no reason, that doesn’t make sense. Who are we doing it versus? It is a fascinating story to follow though, and someone at Reddit had compiled a whole list of promises explicitly made to consumers (even from just a month before launch) that were not delivered. If nothing else, pretty neat to consider the scale and type of the game that was imagined (or actually fully realized and built if not released) and what sort of tomfoolery happens behind the scenes when cuts start to happen to make timelines.

I don’t pop molly, I rock Tom Ford
International bring back the Concorde
Numbers don’t lie, check the scoreboard

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