How much time? Thirty? Thirty seconds? …I’m on right now? …I don’t believe you.

– The winners of the PC Design Contest 2007. I like the “challenger” category one the best, although that keyboard layout looks impossible to use.

– Blizzard’s coming out with a new game. StarCraft 2? World of StarCraft? Rumours are all over the internet, but apparently we gotta wait until May 19th for the official announcement. It’s going to be hard to top StarCraft as one of the most perfectly crafted games of all time, especially since all the developers that worked on that game have left Blizzard. I am jumping right on that wagon if it’s World of StarCraft though – you don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of harvesting minerals in a SCV. …there’s no hidden inside sexual metaphor or anything in there either – I just really want to harvest those minerals and stuff. “SCV good to go, sir!” Regardless whatever game is announced (maybe that Ghost game is making a comeback?) it probably won’t come out until like Spring 2017, as per standard Blizzard policy.

– Apparently, more than 25% of America’s 2.4 million bee colonies have mysteriously vanished. It’s “colony collapse disorder” where apparently the bees just fly out of the hive…and just never come back. Thing is, if bees went extinct, there’s no one to pollinate the world’s agricultural crops. In which case, the human race would essentially be screwed, since we kinda like…need crops to like, eat. This worries me far more than it amuses me (although the possibility that all the missing bees are migrating south to form some sort of genius-level sentient Super Hive under the Nevada desert would be very amusing) because no one’s going to care about missing bees. Even though they’re probably the most important non-human species to regards to our continued survival and iron fisted dominance over the planet next to alligators. ’cause ain’t no point in sitting on top of the world if you ain’t got some gators to do it in style.

– So that should chain nicely into the next item…boy is eaten after taunting crocodile in pen. Not the coolest way to go out. Although you have to wonder if a nine year-old could even be that ignorant of what crocodiles are and what role they fulfil in The Circle of Life (they eat things). I just remember being smart enough not to taunt the man-eating carnivores after sneaking into unsupervised Chinese zoos when I was nine years old. I bet he immediately regretted that decision. To that effect…I would not be surprised at all if this was some sort of elaborate setup. You think a shoddy Chinese zoo like that has video surveillance? Where was the zookeeper? I bet that kid’s buddies turned on him and fucking fed him to the crocodiles. Then they all stick to the “oh, we’re just stupid kids!” line, and no one would be the wiser. That’s why I’m never going to a zoo with any of you guys.

I also liked how the Chinese rolled out a full team of snipers to take that croc out. And they didn’t even really care which one – just the first one that went up for the pork. A huge thumbs down to those hippy losers that are lamenting the death of the animal and making light of the fact that this poor kid got chomped. Human beings gotta stick together! I mean, I don’t want no beef with the crocodiles anymore than the rest of you, but it is how it is – they jump one of us, we gotta take one back. Ate one of our nine year-olds? Well guess what? Now this is happening.

Here’s my absolute favourite bit though – “One of the irritated crocodiles bit Liu’s clothes and dragged him into the water where he was eaten by a swarm of crocodiles.” I know I speak for all of us when I say that I hope to read that in a Toronto newspaper someday.

– And the bizarre parallels continue…doctor dressed as Captain America accused of sexual assualt. Not much else to say about that one…just not a great time to be Captain America (nor the Red Skull!). First arrested, then killed, and now somehow Final Justiced for rape, post-mortem.

Here’s my favourite bit for this one – “Authorities said Adamcik was in possession of a large burrito and drugs.”

…what possible relevance does the burrito mention have aside from the fact that they’re delicious, but filling?

And now for Biz Markie’s Just A Friend.

You have a dirty whorish mouth, that’s what you have.