I call this segment of our show Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts. Because I am gay.

– I play Only In Dreams on my phone as my alarm in the morning not so much because the song’s so fitting to wake up from, but mainly because it gives me like a deliciously long eight minutes to wake up and get out of bed. Anyway, today I hit the five minute snooze on it…but Windows Mobile crashed on my phone, and the alarm never came back. I woke up on my own like half an hour later, and I had to pull the battery out and everything for a hard reboot…it was not cool. I’m trying to think of something that trumps it, but right now I think that’s pretty much the worst and most pathetic excuse that I’ve ever had for being late for work.

Only no one cares when I come in and I doubt anyone actually even really knows I’m alive. So no biggie.

– During that additional half hour of sleep, I was dreaming that I lived so close to work that it was only a ten minute drive to commute there. I felt wonderful. And then I woke up and realized that the commute to work actually takes well over an hour. And then I felt significantly less wonderful.

– Hey look, I got a mailbag question answered on Doug Smith’s basketball blog. I’ve never sent in a mailbag question before – it’s surprisingly exciting to see my question about our 2007 second round draft pick Giorgos Printezis given a complete non-answer. I love internet mailbags. They’re a cesspool of human excrement and palpable indignity. And now I’m right in there too. Water’s fine, jump right in.

– The other day on the subway, I saw one of the cosplayers that was prominently featured in the now timeless classic WGTCNA07. Specifically it was one of the nice Bleach fellows – the gentleman in the white who spoke at length about his bow and arrow. I didn’t notice him at first without his cool costume, but the cat ears beanie he was wearing eventually tipped me off. I became convinced that he was looking at me a bit too much, and I had to duck out at the next stop from anxiety and paranoia. To this day, I rue what we have done.

– Yes, I have spent the last half hour rewatching WGTCNA07 here at work. I think I’ve literally seen the footage like 562 times, to the point where it should by all means illicit absolutely no reaction from me anymore…and yet no matter how many times I see the “I have a boyfriend” clip, it still absolutely WRECKS me every single time.

– Ever see one of those Responsible Gambling Council ads on the subway where this guy’s buddy or something is replaced by a dotted line cut-out shape and they’re just sitting there by themselves looking all glum? Every time I see one of them, I always immediately imagine one of these generic Las Vegas commercials and the missing person in the first ad like having the greatest time of his life; riding in a limousine, snorting lines off a stripper, while hundred dollar bills fly out the open sunroof. This amuses me greatly. If they ever show a Casino Rama commercial immediately after the one where those three losers are waiting for their gambling friend to meet them at that Chinese restaurant, it’d be the best 60 seconds of television ever.

– And for absolutely no reason, if by chance you are looking for the best 109 seconds instead, here’s your ticket. [insert car flipping Cells rift here]

– Yesterday I was in my room, sitting in front of my computer eating handfuls of Vector right out of the box (just right above eating cereal and milk out of a frisbee on the I Have No Dignity As A Human Being scale) and I accidentally but unavoidably dropped a piece on the ground. So you probably guessed that I picked it up and ate it anyway…only you (and I) probably wouldn’t have guessed that it would have tasted salty, which I don’t generally think should be the case with cereal. I thought it was kinda weird. Anyway, that’s the end of that story, thought it’d be good to share a typical scene of my daily life with you, give you a glimpse into how the magic happens here.

– I don’t know how, but this morning I was charged $3.13 for a plain bagel with cream cheese. The sad thing is that I didn’t even notice until I was walking back to my desk and started wondering why the change jingling in my pocket wasn’t as loud as I was expecting. I am a huge ass.

– Here’s the trailer for The Forbidden Kingdom, which is being hyped as a huge monumental landmark of kung-fu cinema finally featuring Jackie Chan versus Jet Li…even though it’s about fifteen or twenty years too late. I mean, Jackie’s 53! Regardless, I would think it’d still be pretty solid for the action choreography if nothing else…but why does Hollywood always gotta push that clueless white dude protagonist, even in an Imperial China period piece? So audiences can relate? How can I relate to that guy!?! Sometimes you just gotta let the giant transforming robots or two of the three greatest kung-fu actors of all time carry the thing, and relax. I’m not an Asian girl, I don’t like having all these white guys all up in my face like that (bah dum bum psh). You just know they got the whole romance angle with him and the female sidekick girl ready to go too. White guys can’t stay away from the Asian female. Not even content to have them in the present and in our future – they gotta go back in time to get them too. Honestly, have some dignity, you crazy Yellow Fever bastards. Shit’s getting out of line. I’m embarrassed for you.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy. First they had The Mexican with Brad Pitt, and now they’ve got The Last Samurai with Tom Cruise. Well I’ve written a film, maybe they’ll produce my film. The Last Nigger On Earth starring Tom Hanks, how ’bout that?