I woke up this morning with my mouth open, the center of a puddle of drool on my pillow. Which I swear is a somewhat infrequent occurrence, but still something we all have to deal with time to time, so don’t you go and judge me. The worst is how all the moisture has drained out of your mouth, leaving it all barren, and you can actually feel the horrible dry texture of all the weird miscellaneous bumps on your tongue scraping against the roof of your mouth. I was so parched that I seriously gave thought to breaking open the novelty Love Meter thing on my desk and drinking whatever mystery liquid it held inside, but then I realized that I live in a house and that I am retarded.

So I went downstairs to get a drink…and as I poured water in the glass I was holding, it suddenly and unexpected transformed from one solid piece of material into two separate and distinct halves. The glass I was holding in my hand had magically transformed into just the top half of a glass, the bottom half became air, and the previously clean floor vanished and in its place appeared a mess of spilt water and broken shards of glass.

The bottom had literally dropped out. (Much like your 2009 Toronto Blue Jays, who have just finished blowing successive five run and two run leads in a Roy Halladay game for their ninth straight loss. Ah yeah!)

I’d like to say I reacted quickly and cleaned it up before it got too messy, or even that I reacted with a quick girlish scream of surprise or something…but the reality is that I don’t think I noticed until like a good solid five second afterwards. If I were forced to choose a corresponding spirit animal to describe my reaction speed in the morning (kind of a weird and overly specific thing to be forced to do, but let’s play it out anyway) I would have to say it’s more sloth than mongoose. I think I just stood there for a while before eventually exclaiming “Oh no!” – all the while continuing to poor water onto the floor through the bottomless tube of glass I still held in my hand. I think you could actually hear the rusted gears in my brain creaking while struggling to turn.

I had absolutely no idea where I was going with this weird broken glass story. So I’m just going to put up a link next and then publish this sucker. Another quality post by Choking Yak!

From time to time, you run into hidden pockets of greatness on the internet, buried treasure on the world wide web that have paradoxically eluded your notice for some time. Rarely are these treasures as old or as good as this one.

TIME FOR SOME STORIES

This is just an archived thread back from 2005, where this random internet dude just tells these random short stories in all caps. I really can’t put a more interesting description than that up here, so you’ll just have to discover it on your own.

(EDIT: Here’s a page that collects only the stories – it even has a few more than the thread, which ends at the lemonade stand story. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether this format’s a better read or not.)

However, I would like to encourage you to read through these in an environment that is conducive to laughing out loud (ie. not at work) – some of these are really that funny.

Man, I hope no one here’s seen this before.

STRIKE ONE, NANCY… STRIKE ONE.