Regarding Professionalism

I love these types of days – brilliantly clear blue sky, wonderfully sunny, and just cold enough at -10 degrees or so to remind you it’s still winter, but not so cold that a simple scarf and hat combo can’t handle. And most importantly, zero wind. I love these types of days because you can properly enjoy the cold without being bothered by it. There’s just something about it, a certain crispness to the day that classically nice summer weather doesn’t have. These are the types of days that make you happy to be alive.

Yes, there is something inherently wonderful about the day that follows a night of heavy drinking. Maybe there is something about being on the verge of death that makes you appreciate life more after you make it back…or maybe there is just something chemically that happens in your brain after twelve straight hours of drinking. But who knows? I’m no scientist.

All I can say for sure is that I was drinking last night. A lot.

I also have an announcement to make. I received some very good news today at work, and I now stand before you a new man. A lot of people have helped me along the way on this long road to get here, and so I have a lot of people to thank. I want everyone to know that I will never take this accomplishment for granted, and that nothing will ever diminish my appreciation for it. This has been the culmination of all the hard work I’ve put into working for this company over the last five years, and is hopefully just the first significant step towards my continued professional success. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t incredibly proud and happy right now. All the congratulations and well wishes I’ve been getting from everyone in the office today has honestly been a little overwhelming.

I have a new title now. Yes, that’s correct – you now stand in the presence of a brand new Wii Sports Resort Table Tennis Tournament Champion.

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. I run this shit! It was tough work getting pass all 16 participating players in our department, but I did it. King Kong. Ain’t. Got. SHIT. ON! ME!!!

Though honestly, anything short of winning the entire thing over a bunch of middle aged professionals who have children and mortgages and real life things (and in most cases, husbands) to worry about would have been an absolute embarrassment for me. Actually, the fact that I only won 6-4 in the final game is still something I’m really not that proud of (although I did paint the line with a pretty sweet shot to win it)…but there is something to be said for professionalism in the workplace, and so I was playing the part of the humble yokel with incredible beginner’s luck. Technically, I did not lie to anyone there – I really have never played table tennis on the Wii before in my life until today. I just omitted some extra unnecessary information…like that I’ve probably already played a dozen similar games because I actually did use to own a Wii, and that I am fucking awesome at all video games because that is all I have done with my life.

Still, time and circumstance will never diminish this accomplishment in my memory.

I won a cap!

– Remember, success like mine is only possible if you have a great depth of knowledge and history of hard work to draw from. There is no substitute for the advantages a solid post-secondary education gives you. Take my old alma mater for example. Nothing but class, those guys.

– I don’t know what’s more delightful…hearing that there’s a new Dreamcast shoot ’em up out (even though the console was discontinued in 2001) or that there’s a new Mel Gibson movie featuring a beaver hand puppet with a bad accent. Actually scratch that, I think this potential Van Helsing out-delights everything. Oh Hugh Jackman, bless you for acting your ass off even in the most ridiculous of movies. I will absolutely end up watching this just because of you. …and also because I’ve always wanted to see a movie version of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

– I’ve been on a big movie trip lately, forgive me. But really, you can’t blame me for posting stuff like the official music video for Daft Punk’s Derezzed, a video of all the main Inception dream scenes cut together in real time, this dramatic animal clips set to Mind Heist, or even this retarded Harry Potter comic. It’s what I do and it’s what you expect. Deal with it.

– Like I said, I’m no scientist, but scientifically speaking, combining every anime intro sequence ever just seems a lot cooler than combining all the elements of the periodic table together. And what if you in turn, combined those…? Probably just a lot of carbon monoxide and birds.

So…just a lot of dead birds.

“What’s going on? This is exactly where the two of you were when I left this morning. Is nobody going to even try to get a job?”
“I have a job, Michael. It’s called ‘supporting my husband.'”
“You certainly haven’t been shopping. The only thing I found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag.”
“You didn’t eat that, did you?”