Inscrutable Shenlong

My one ultimate goal in Diablo 3 has always just been to accrue enough awesome loot that I can sell it in the real money auction house for real money, enough to make back my initial investment on the game, which is about $60 (plus tax because I am dumb and actually bought like a real life physical copy of it). The problem so far is that I’m not particularly good at the game, so it makes finding TEH EPIC LOOTZ not super easy. But I persevered, and finally sold my first item last week, some miscellaneous Wizard balls that were good or something, I don’t know, I don’t have a Wizard. I listed them for $2.00…and they sold for exactly that much. Minus Blizzard’s 15% off the top and PayPal’s $1.00 transaction fee, I was 85 cents closer to my goal.

This was going to be a long journey indeed.

Until this weekend, when I stumbled upon one of the new set legendaries recently introduced by Blizzard as a last ditch effort to save this shitty, shitty game. After almost listing it with a $5 buyout, I decided to instead embrace my capitalistic sensibilities and let the free market dictate true value.

I am now $250 richer than I was yesterday.

WHO PAYS THAT MUCH MONEY FOR VIRTUAL ITEMS!?! I have no idea if that is a relatively high amount or not because I have no prior experience exchanging virtual goods for real life money, but it is certainly more than the initial $5 I was expecting. So now my ultimate goal for this game has been achieved, it has paid for itself and more…although that’s not counting the endless hours of misery I’ve poured into it. For our purposes here, let’s just assume there is no monetary value to my suffering…which is debatable, considering I am gainfully employed as a computer programmer.

(Also, mine had about a 925ish DPS and I was seeing 1,000+ ones with $20 dollar bids…only mine was one of the only three on the market at the time that rolled a socket – the other two were like 800-850 DPS. So holy shit, the socket makes it worth like over ten times the amount of a better iteration of the same item!?! The Diablo 3 auction house economy…just senseless.)

Not even as a Siegebreaker or elite drop either…from a fucking random WEAPON RACK with only two Nephy stacks. I hit a jackpot on the penny slots.

I will now use this new money on something meaningful and positive or most probably alcohol, so that I can have a night out paid directly by the money I got playing a video game. Does this make me a professional gamer now or is the definition a little more stringent than that?

Whatever, I’M RICH BITCH!

I will tell my parents, they will be so proud of me.

– Traffic in Toronto sucks big time and this is what you are doing wrong. Stop doing those things. On the other hand, I see no mention of diverting from my current lane to run down adolescent pedestrians, people walking their dogs, and homeless guys, so I guess I will stay the course and continue to do all those things.

– I don’t know how I missed this CNE bit last time, but apparently the good folks at Maple Lodge Farms are presenting The Éclair Dog…which is exactly what it sounds like. This shit just jumped up a notch.

– Because you were so desperate to tip baristas but couldn’t because you didn’t have any cash on you…well here comes a tip jar that takes credit cards. This covers a lot of white people bases, including…

• addressing a completely minor perceived social problem that doesn’t actually exist
• tipping (they care about it so much more than we do)
• not carrying cash (ethnic people like to make it rain all the time)
• overvaluing baristas (they are not coffee artisans, they are just cashiers)
• giving other people money
• helping who they consider to be less fortunate in impractical and complicated ways

Might be pretty hard to find a whiter news article.

– Oh wait, nevermind.

– Remember that Batman of Shanghai clip from a little back? Here’s the whole thing, all additional…three minutes of it. As far as MacGuffins go, “The Scroll of Destiny” is pretty great.

– Have you ever wanted to see a trailer for The Empire Strikes Back recut for contemporary times? Of course you do, what a ridiculous question. Well here you are!

YOU MUST DEFEAT SHENG LONG TO STAND A CHANCE.

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