I understand it’s a little bit late to be talking about this stuff, and I had originally thought it would pass with time…but it hasn’t. I still have Christmas carols stuck in my head, and the doctor says there’s nothing he can do. There’s mainly three, in particular.

Jingle Bells. Not that bad, because it’s kinda catchy. And I entertain myself by singing the Batman version. That way I can mix it up at the end, with either the Joker running away or learning ballet. I also made up “had fillet” and “fought melee” on my own…but for some reason, they just don’t work as well. Similarly, I tried “Killer Croc clubbed some seals” and “Barbara Gordon’s hot in heels”…but those don’t that well either. I think the syllable count is off, but I can’t really put my finger on it.

Let It Snow. If there’s one thing worse than having a song stuck in your head, it’s having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know the words to. All I got is “Oh the weather outside is dreadful…bah da daa da daa…delightful! But…ba doo do do doo do…go, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!” I usually mentally yell out that last part Mr. Bean style, because it’s the only bit I know for sure. The whole thing started when I caught Die Hard on my hotel television. See, Carl (the fat black cop from Family Matters?) was singing the song right before he’s interrupted by that dead German dude falling onto his car. And as soon as the song was interrupted, it triggered some sort of mental crash in my mind, and the last thing he sings just keeps looping in my head. And I’m pretty sure he says “dreadful” even though I had originally thought it was “frightful.”

(Going off on an obvious tangent here, but I always thought it would have been wicked cool for Die Hard and Family Matters to have had a crossover. Remember that Carl was a cop in his own show? I mean, it writes itself! Actually…if I remember correctly, since Die Hard came first, it’d be more of a spin-off than a crossover. But whatever. Bruce Willis shows up with some twinkies…some stuff happens…and he shoots Urkel. That would rule hardcore.)

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. This, my friends, this is hell. Absolute hell. I think I would rather take a rabid pit bull attack to the groin than even listen to this song. The song sounds horrible, first of all. It has quite possibly the most annoying hook of any chorus this side of Eiffel65’s Blue. But I want to know who the hell came up with the idea of the song in the first place. Why would they make a Christmas carol about mommy kissing Santa? Do you even know what the song is about? A kid – who his mom thought she had tucked into bed – sneaks out only to witness the horror of his mommy and Santa Claus getting it on, from his vantage point at the top of the stairs. What kind of Christmas carol is that, really? What specific spirit of Christmas – religious or commercial alike – does that illustrate? COME ON! The kid is experiencing life-ruining mental trauma. No one wants to see their mom kissing anybody, LEAST OF ALL Santa frickin’ Claus! Kids have it rough already, when they realize that Santa Claus isn’t exactly real…but to realize that your house is the house he comes home to, to make out with your mother? That’s gotta be rough. The first time I heard this song, I was shocked and appalled. I was looking around, seeing if anyone else was noticing. It’s like if you were at a charity ball full of old people, and they play some hardcore uncensored rap, and no one seemed to notice. It’s disorienting. This song is not appropriate to be played in public. It’s just…not right.

…and that, is my life at the moment. Make of it what you will.