Not Even Close To The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Said

A tragic story out of Spring Hill, Florida, in which a poor woman committed suicide after being unable to deal with a chronic neurological disorder that caused her constant pain, and was systemically denied help by her parents, boyfriends, doctors, and the American government. At attempt to request an MRI or nerve scan to a Tarlov cyst or other neurological damage was denied by a judge. Tragically, after multiple attempts to take her own life already previously, she was found dead in her home this past weekend.

The bizarre twist to the story of course, is that the condition was persistent genital arousal disorder a condition that alleged made her to orgasm up to 50 times a night. Considering the very serious and very real tragic details of this story, I can only imagine how poor and in bad taste it would be to crack jokes here.

The sheriff’s office provided no details as to the circumstances of her suicide, but I can only hope that she went out on a high note like David Carradine.

The cruel tragic nature of the story is of course regarding public perception of the disorder, and the inability or unwillingness of institutions to recognize very real consequences of yet unknown or barely understood disorders. Hopefully, if nothing else, her story will at least give more attention to the fact that a lot of people out there are suffering and need help.

Furthermore, the entire details of this story are based on the idea of the “female orgasm” which as we all are very much aware…is completely fictional. A myth, like global warming, unicorns, and smart black athletes.

– A prison nurse in Syracuse was charged with a “third-degree criminal sexual act” for performing oral sex upon a male prisoner, which turns out is a felony and she herself could land in state prison. See, apparently in the state of New York, you are legally unable to consent to sex while in prison. Which is…just an absolutely hilarious statement. The charge was apparently based on some incriminating statements the nurse made herself, and also based on the statement from the alleged “victim.” What a heinous act.

– Holy shit, the authentic hardwood floor of the training facility for the now defunct Vancouver Grizzlies is being sold on Craigslist for $13,000? That is actually pretty tragic news, I don’t know why, I just assumed stuff like this would have been like packed up in the Hall of Fame or somewhere important, or already snatched up by a rich fan (though the fallacy of that assumption is now apparent to me). I didn’t know it was just…sitting there for like the last 12 years. That just kind of bums me out. I mean…on Craigslist? Salt in the wound. And the fact that the Memphis Grizzlies are currently the best team in the NBA? Lemon juice. That will be one weird tasting wound.

– Finally, after what seems like an unusually long time (considering that the strip ended in 1995 and the internet’s been big for just about that long), the Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine is finally a real thing. Though at a glance, this doesn’t seem like a masterful new leap in technology in 2012 that’s finally enabled someone to do this…it just seems like some guy has finally finished transcribing each and every single strip individually. Here’s the weird part…it’s by “Bing” but not the only-ever-seen-in-outrageous-ad-placements-in-movies-and-never-in-real-life-Microsoft-search-engine Bing, but a man, Michael “Bing” Yingling. Here’s the weirder part…that is not a Chinese dude, Yingling is actually a German surname. Was that racist of me to think that? …probably.

– This one might be a little bit racist as well. Apparently Dutch Santa Claus, or Saint Nicholas, Sinterklaas, has traditionally also been depicted with an assistant named “Black Pete.” And since the 17th century, it’s been common for public Santas in malls and supermarkets to be accompanied by Black Petes, which it turns out, predictably, to just be guys in blackface. But even now in 2012, officials are still not understanding of what all the commotion is about, including the Chief Operating Officer of the biggest supermarket chain in the Netherlands. Because how can you have Dutch Christmas without Black Pete? I mean on one hand, yes, it might be racist. On the other, white skinned, racist hand…what if this racism is ingrained and inherent in their racist culture? Do you then advocate discrimination against the Dutch and bar them from celebrating their racist cultural rituals? Nope, I don’t see a solution to this at all. Like I’ve always said, there are only two things I can’t stand in this world…people who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.

– Here is the trailer for A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, which is all sorts of indie bullshit. Surprisingly, Wes Anderson’s name is not attached to the movie at all despite the fact that it’s got freakin’ Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, and Aubrey “Has She Seriously Never Been In A Wes Anderson Joint Yet” Plaza in the cast. Though that’s easily explained…writer/director Roman Coppola was also the second unit director of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, co-wrote Moonrise Kingdom, and was second unit director and co-writer of The Darjeeling Limited. So I guess we can consider this like the Battleship to Wes Anderson’s Transformers.

– Here’s this article called The Case for Drinking as Much Coffee as You Like, in which the numerous benefits of coffee drinking are advertised…benefits that include decreased risk of Alzheimer’s, chronic liver diseases, diabetes, depression, coronary artery disease, stroke, bad cholesterol, prostate cancer, breast cancer, fibrosis, even alcoholism. It even notes a study that linked a decreased risk of heart failure to habitual coffee drinking, with an association that peaked at four cups a day and only got diminishing returns at ten cups a day. That’s like having a cup of coffee like every hour and a half while you’re awake…I mean, that is a shitload of coffee. What an incredible sell. I want to see one of these written for alcohol consumption or playing Diablo 3. Or something like The Case for Dating as Many Asian Guys as You Like, I’m sure there’s a lot of benefits to that.

– I don’t usually believe in pledging to committing money to things that don’t even exist yet, and most of the time I just like looking into them for novelty’s sake as most of these projects are either really stupid, absolutely pointless, or both. But this one called StickNFind actually seems pretty cool, and I actually think I would be all over this if I actually had any items of value that I need to not lose, or a personal living space that’s large enough to lose things in. Really interesting idea, and I can absolutely see myself wasting money on something like this in the future once it becomes a successful legitimate product on the market. They’re like spider-tracers…awesome!

– Look at this microwave…the Spoutnik from Fagor. It’s crazy, I know, I can’t believe there’s a company called Fagor either.

“Oh I love your microwave.”
“Thanks, it’s a Fagor.”

Hahaha, YES!

“This coffee smells like shit!”
“It is shit, Austin.”
“Oh good, then it’s not just me.”