Some brief points…(I think I need to come up with a name for when I do this. Kinda like The Sports Guy‘s cowbell deal, or everyone else’s “Quick Hits”. I was going to go with Will’s Wise Words of Wisdom, but then I realized that there is no one here that goes by that name. There is no “Will” here. He doesn’t exist. And there’s nothing that starts with ‘y’ – so I’ll have to go with something like Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts…which quitely frankly, is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. The search continues…)

– I’ve been going to Wendy’s for lunch lately. Maybe like once a week. What’s weird about it is that I’ve never seen a Wendy’s on or from my way to work. Meaning that I had to actually go and seek it out, choosing to drive past all the McDonald’s, Harvey’s, and whatever’s that I see. Why? I don’t know. I will tell you one thing though – the Bacom Mushroom Melt (with double the beef) is perhaps the greatest fastfood burger known to man. I challenge you to name a better burger. I dare you. The ultimate burger feast? Wendy’s Bacon Mushroom Melt (double the beef) with a side of McDonald’s french fries and one of those ridiculously large vanilla milkshakes from the Pickle Barrel. A single one of those milkshakes can feed an entire African nation.

– Choosing Pepsi over Coke is like choosing to have sex with men over having sex with women. I’ll just never understand it. That’s not to say all heterosexual females are Pepsi drinkers or vice versa. I’m just trying (and failing) to make an analogy. The same thought could apply to vegetarians. Sure, I have no problem with you choosing to eat nothing but brussel sprouts for the rest of your life, but when I bite into that juicy steak, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to give that up. Who cares if the cows are slaughtered painfully and inhumanely before they end up on my plate? More pain = more taste. It’s a scientific fact. Look it up.

– I discovered a new gear today for my car. See, normally I shift to it a setting called “4-D” – that’s how I did it when I test drived the car, and the saleswoman never corrected me on that, accursed woman. So I assumed “4-D” was just the normal drive. Turns out that they are two separate gears – fourth gear and drive. They’re both on the same level on the gearshifter vertically, but apparently the drive is to the right of fourth gear. Now that’s just stupid. No wonder this car picks up worse than my Caravan – I’VE BEEN DRIVING IN FOURTH THE WHOLE TIME. I’m a fucking idiot.

– Usually I’ll take my lunch a little early if I decide I feel like fastfood. It doesn’t really matter exactly how early, as long as I line up to get to the counter before 12:02. Because as soon as it hits 12:00, people from all over fly out of their building for lunch, and everyone wants fastfood. So factor in a travelling/parking time of two minutes, and you’ll notice that there’s a ridiculous sudden spike in the number of people and the size of lines as soon as you past the 12:02 mark. Line-ups get long. Sometimes I miss the 12:02 cut-off, and I end up waiting in line for Wendy’s for like five minutes. And during these times, I realize that there are some really bothersome people out there. (next point!)

– Say you’re waiting in line to buy lunch at McDonald’s. Say the line-up’s really long, and you have to stand in line for like five minutes. So wouldn’t you be able to figure out what you want for lunch within those five minutes? I mean, what else can you do? And yet…there are people who are taken by surprise when it’s finally their turn to buy, and they spend minutes – WHOLE MINUTES – just deciding on what to get. How is this possible? Why does this happen? I mean, sure – I’m not saying that you can’t hesitate a little bit, with a “Hmm…yeah…I’ll have the…” when they ask you what you want. I’m not asking that you figure out exactly what you want before it’s your turn, Soup Nazi style. In fact, I generally have no idea of exactly what I want until I’m looking into the beady little eyes of that sweaty cashier. But at the very least, can’t you narrow it down beforehand? You should already have a good idea of what you want and don’t want even before you walk into the place. For example, I’m not ever getting a salad. I’m not getting a fish burger. So that narrows it down to either beef (quarter pounder or Big Mac) or chicken (nuggets or McChicken). Two quick choices, that’s all you have to make. But there are people that just stand there at the counter looking up at those coloured menus, mentally going through each item one by one. “Hmm…nah. Uh…nah. McChicken? Uh…hmm…well…nah.” COME ON!!! Can you not do this WHILE IN LINE? McDonald’s has a standardized menu that is essentially the same throughout each and every single one of the sixty trillion shops they have set up in every goddamn corner of the world. You already know what they have, so it’s not like you need to see the menu first. So what the frickin’ hell were you thinking of while standing in line for five minutes!?! Why? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS ON MY TIME? And when that crucial choice is finally made, and the cashier asks whether they want to supersize it (or double it or whatever at Wendy’s/Harvey’s, since McDonald’s doesn’t have that anymore) or what drink they want, I want to just jump them right there and strangle somebody. COKE! JUST GO WITH FUCKING COKE!!! It’s not like Diet Coke will help you much, since you’ve chosen to eat fastfood despite the fact that you’re obviously sixty pounds overweight and there probably isn’t a person alive outside of Tayshaun Prince that can touch their hands together if they hugged you.

– Actually, I take that back. The other day, I did actually see someone who didn’t know the menu. This middle-aged white woman – obviously (somewhat) educated and dressed in business attire – was asked (after a full minute of choosing what burger she wanted) whether she wanted the sandwich or the meal. She asked what the “meal” was. … DOUBLE YU TEE EFF!?! They had to explain it was having fries and a drink in addition to the burger, and this woman had never heard that before. How? How is this possible!?! There is a person living in North America that does not know what a “combo” or a “meal” means at a fastfood place? That is not possible. This story couldn’t have happened. I am making this up and I am lying to you. I refuse to acknowledge this.

– It’s been like twenty days since I bought a package of comics on eBay. Attempts to contact the seller have been difficult at best. I’m faced with no other alternative – I’m leaving that fat bastard NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. I wish everyone had feedback scores in real life, to rate their records as a person. I would be shooting out negative feedback like it ain’t a thang. Cut me off? NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. You have a stupid sounding laugh? NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. You made direct eye contact with me? NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. And if anyone ever left me negative feedback, I would track them down and kill their dog.

“What gear are you in?”

“…gear?”