Yak announces retirement after career high performance

The WAMBAG Press

TORONTO, ON — Choking Yak shocked the world today by announcing his retirement, immediately upon returning from a dominating showing in Hamilton where he posted career highs in minutes played (2 hours, 48 minutes) and distance gained (217.5 km), and set a season high in number of times the same song was listened to in one trip (Afternoon Delight seven times).

Yak hopes his retirement can be as satisfying and long-lived as Michael Jordan’s in 1993.

During the announcement, Yak declared that he could no longer keep up with the present day schedule, citing age and a lack of desire and love for the game. He also attributed recent injuries as one of the reasons. Though the club has officially listed his injury as a “lower body strain”, exclusive WAMBAG sources have determined that his left leg had fallen asleep while returning from Hamilton, and Yak was forced to sit down after returning to Toronto. He said he was experiencing difficulty with the leg, describing the injury as though “thousands of microscopic pins and evil needles” were “f—ing stabbing into [his] flesh and eating [him] alive.”

He explained that this outing in Hamilton had reminded him of his declining desire to play long stretches and served to highlight his inability to compete on a daily basis. “I feel that I’ve come to a point where I just can’t mentally gear myself up to perform to the best of my ability and stay competitive throughout the entire game, throughout the entire season. I believe that I’ve proved all that I’ve set out to prove, and to continue on without having my heart set into it is disrespectful to myself, to the game, and to the fans. It should never get to a point where I can’t find the desire inside myself to stay focused throughout the entire time and not get frustrated when things don’t work out on the road. Being unable to pass that Neon going 70 on the 403 is just something I no longer look forward to welcoming every time I get back on the road, and it gave me much more trouble this time around than it ever did in the past.”

Yak’s sudden departure will leave teammates struggling to replace him before their road trip to Kingston this week. Both Big AL and Jess stand to lose the most, as they were the primary ones that benefited from Yak’s minutes and numbers. Club officials remain optimistic that they can bring in free agent MaxSnax of Ajax to fill the hole, but it remains unlikely he will be able to replace Yak’s success on the road, as well as Yak’s veteran leadership, clutch performances, and uncanny charisma.

His retirement was not without frustration, as Yak lashed out at unnamed members of his club near the end of the announcement. “To all you [people] that told me a trip down to McMaster only took 45 minutes: you are all dirty, dirty liars. And I am almost completely assured that your pants are all indeed on fire.”

Choking Yak has averaged 46.4 km and 76 minutes per outing this summer, both top in the league. He has career totals of 73,562.1 km and 2,225 minutes over three and a half seasons, with three different cars.