Old And Busted, The New Hotness

(soundtrack)

Such Great Heights – Iron & Wine

God help me, I tried to think of another song for this week’s soundtrack…but it’s been gnawing at me since we went to Kingston.

NOTE: As a result of having watched Dave Chappelle’s latest standup, “For What It’s Worth”.

I think that Will and I have agreed that we’re not going to discuss the Kingston trip in this blog as we did some stupid shit there that we’re not really proud of. So instead I’ll regale you with a tale of what may be my last volunteer job ever.

As you may or may not know, for the last five years I’ve taken the time out of my busy, busy schedule to volunteer at the Milliken Mill’s Children’s Festival. I started off as a lowly “floater”, not the most masculine of titles. It essentially meant that I was the event organizer’s bitch and whatever they wanted me to do, I did.

I slowly climbed the ranks until last year when I was a supervisor. Man, that was fuckin’…sweet. I bossed those kids around and gave them endless lectures about the value of volunteer work, school and life itself. They essentially spent the whole time trying to get me to leave them alone and let them have their breaks. But I regulated their breaks like Maverick’s superior at the beginning of Top Gun. I don’t take no shit, ya heard?!?

I’ve always looked at volunteering as a primo social event, so many new people to meet, ya know? I still remember this one time when I met this girl from South Africa…man, she was one of those Charlize Theron, colonist types. Crazy accent and all that? Beautiful, just beautiful. And we clicked as far as I’m concerned. Good times.

This year was a little different. For one thing, I wasn’t really out in the field. They assigned me to handle the sound at the main stage where all the clowns and magicians and whatnot dance around and entertain the kids. The other thing was that I had no idea what the FUCK I was doing. I ain’t lyin’. I got there at 8 in the morning, they send me to the stage and tell me to figure out how to work the soundboard by myself. I was just thinking, “Come on! This is getting re-Goddamned-diculous!” It seemed simple enough, though for the first half hour the main power wasn’t even on so I couldn’t do jack.

Eventually I figured it out and (just in time, natch) my partners finally show up. Let me say a few things about these cats. I liked them, that’s for sure. It was a girl and a guy. The girl was your typical cute, innocent and tiny Asian girl. Her name was Helen. She’s in the 12th grade. Actually, I’d say she was more good looking than cute, which is better in my opinion. Did that make any sense? Of course, she has a boyfriend. That didn’t really matter to me since I probably wouldn’t have done a damn thing anyway. She was nice enough though and since the other guy (I’ll get to him) was wandering off a lot, it was usually up to us to amuse ourselves. A fun person to be around, fa sho’.

The guy was named Timothy. He was in grade 11 and let me tell you, he reeked of youth and excitement. This kid’s got a lot of upside. To continue my Top Gun allusion, I would say this about Tim:

He’s a hell of a flyer. In fact, he’s so damn good he might have been picked for Top Gun himself. Except for one thing. HE JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FOLLOW ORDERS!

He’s young, cocky, full of life…he’s everything I wished that I was at that age. I couldn’t even lay down one of my pretentious, overbearing and self absorbed lectures on him because he was actually a decent worker. I always joke about how youth gives one a feeling of invincibility and this kid epitomized that. He was perpetually grinning, cracking wise and generally seeming to enjoy whatever he was doing. Most importantly he had his priorities straight:

1) Ladies

2) Ladies

3) Ladies

A child after my own heart. However, as I mentioned he was the super-confident type, not the ultra-pathetic type that I tend to be most of the time. So he spent most of the day walking around and flirting his ass off until he had a flock of ladies around him by the end of the day. Impressive.

So you’re thinking, “Alex, you’ve got an attractive girl and a young prospect with ridiculous upside to work with all day, it must have been great, right?” Yes and no.

Again, the company was good. But as I mentioned before, for the first couple of hours I didn’t know what I was doing! The first performer was this guy named Freddie Fusion. Sort of Bill Nye meets Carrot Top, I guess. He had some nice promotional stands so I was thinking, “This guy seems like a pro.” Well, let me tell you something, after having to watch me futz around with the sound for about an hour…well, I’m going to say something that I don’t get the chance to say too often:

FREDDIE FUSION WANTED TO KICK MY MA’FUCKIN’ ASS!

He’s a professional so he would never actually come up to me (or waste his time) and tell me off, but he was talking to one of the event organizers and audibly listing how irritated he was by the lack of quality in the sound system. Admittedly, he didn’t actually blame us as far as I can tell, but as with everything, I took it personally. We also had problems with the next act, a group of circus performers, and instead of getting mad at us, one of the clowns started yelling at his mother/the animal tricks expert in some foreign tongue. Good times.

Once everything settled down, Freddie calmed down and even seemed to get friendly. At least compared to earlier in the day when (I’m NOT making this up) he sat down next to me and started singing “I want to die todaaaaaay…” to some made-up tune. Disturbingly hilarious. But yeah, for the mostpart it was a big chill-fest and the acts were decent. I was feeling it for this old school juggler/magician. He was juggling bowling pins and balancing stuff and pulling rabbits out of boxes and the kids weren’t giving him no love! I got nothing but respect for Doug The Great, let me tell you. There was a troupe of Chinese dancers. The choreography was amateur at best, bush league you might say, but it’s Chinese dancing so there’s an inherent beauty to it, isn’t there? I’d say the act had an awkward beauty. There ya go.

It was a nice day, it really was. At the end, I wished Helen and Tim good luck with the rest of their lives, because obviously I’m never going to see them again. For the first time since I started doing this job, I was bored. I’m thinking that this might be the last time that I do it. I’m hanging it up. It’s just not as easy to interact with the young’uns today. I have enough trouble interacting with people my own age! Plus, all the button pushing was a real turn off. I don’t know, I might be back.

Oh damn, I almost forgot to mention one more thing: I got to meet Patty from CBC Kids and formerly of the TVO network. Yeah, I didn’t really remember who she was, but I had a vague recollection after people kept bringing up what a big deal she was. I didn’t DISlike her, but she was the stereotypical “TV personality forced to be nice but actually rotting on the inside” type. Lucky for her Freddie was the same kind of person. They were like kindred spirits. I can say, with 60% confidence, that the two of them snuck off at some point during the day and got it on, possibly in one of the inflatables. I’m just sayin’!

So if for some reason you ever catch Patty on TV again, just remember: This is a woman who has had that ass tapped by a guy named Freddie Fusion.

Good night, everybody.