Holy cow, I hate computers.

You ever wonder what happens to people when they leave your line of sight? I’ve been having little tiny freakouts lately where I feel like I’m experiencing quantum indeterminacy in my entire reality – you know, Schrodinger’s cat and every possible state superimposed onto one another and all that? …dude, I am trippin’ BALLS.

I’m suddenly suspicious of what people are doing once they turn the corner and leave my field of vision. I suspect they’re turning into goldfish or something, and I run around the corner to catch them in the act, only to see that they’ve quickly turned back into normal people. I know FOR A FACT that once I stop looking at airplanes in the sky, they start flapping their wings like hummingbirds on crack. I get the sense that people are laughing at me, even when I’m looking them right in the face. I feel like I’m high on weed, and then I remember that I was allergic to grass clippings when I was really young. And then I wonder what the hell that has to do with anything.

I think it might have started when I misplaced my keys the other day, and while I was looking for them, I considered my situation in a quantum context and the ramifications that would arise. You see, the thinking is that it’s possible that my keys are on my desk, in my pants pocket, in my backpack, or up ma anus – all at the same time. I would know for sure once I found them, but up until that point, they could simutaneously exist in all those locations at the same time – all possible states superimposed in the same reality – and I wouldn’t know. The cat is both alive AND dead…until you open the box and you find out if it’s alive OR dead.

I will never lose my keys again.

I’ll stitch them to my body. Maybe I’ll put them on my fingertips, so I could open locks just my poking them. Kinda like that guy The Key, but only after he got redesigned by Grant Morrison and Oscar Jimenez. I think it was JLA #8 and #9. I always thought it was kinda convenient how Charlie Villanueva wasn’t there, because he could have beaten The Key in like five seconds flat. Actually, maybe faster if he did it at superspeed. You think he could use his telepathy while going at superspeed? …oh shit, he can. Nevermind – I think he did it in that Adam Strange story in #21 or so. That was a cool story. Flash had to lend Superman speed so he could go faster than light, and he ended up seeing his own after-image and stuff…coolness. But then that’s ignoring the fact that he routinely flies faster than light in space anyway. Comic books are retarded.

I was looking at my underpants, and I thought they were “Faster Than Light” underpants. But I guess it’s also possible that the letters just stand for “Fruit of The Loom.” But we’ll never know until I check – you know, Schrodinger’s underpants and all that. And I don’t feel like checking.

You know…Captain America’s like Tim Duncan. He’s not the most skilled fighter on Marvel Earth (Shang Chi, Iron Fist), he’s not the strongest (Kingpin, USAgent), and he’s not the fastest (Daredevil, Wolvie) but the combination of all his skills in all categories puts him on top overall. Likewise with The Big Fundamental. Karl Malone was more consistent and had a better post game, Garnett’s a better passer and has more range…but Duncan is just good enough at all those things so when you look at the overall package, he could definately be the best power foward of all time. And if Cap ever saw Karl Malone on the street, he would completely kick the crap out of him like he was a little Mexican girl. Don’t ask how I know this and why it’s relevant to the discussion at hand. Just accept it.

I think Steve Rogers is to Tim Duncan as Cassandra Cain is to Michelle Wie. But I don’t follow golf.

I also think Spider-Man could kick Captain America’s ass if he ever felt like it. …or maybe just a good 6 out of 10 times. Never underestimate Cap. He’ll just Ricochet Shield your ass and follow it up with a level 3 multipower card and BAM – you’re two thirds the way to a spectrum KO and you don’t even know, you punkass motherfucker.

Don’t hate on Cap. Though he did look pretty gay when Jim Lee drew him with the eagle on his forehead instead of the big “A” in Heroes Reborn. Which also sucked. Franklin Richards can go to hell for all I care. …hurm…which he did, in Unthinkable.

…

Ah hell boy, class is over. Anung Un Rama, Imma Outta Hurra.

P.S. – No, thank YOU.