The Boyfriend Bomb OR The Monkey Watches

Pitseleh – Elliott Smith

We’ve all been there before. You’re hanging out with a beautiful baby and everything’s going smoothly. You’re hitting all your spots, you’re making all the right moves. She lets you pay for lunch. You can’t help but consider the possibilities. Is this a date? If not, could it lead to one? Maybe I should…

Then she mentions her boyfriend.

I was having lunch with my friend Arlene on Wednesday, an encounter that I have to admit, I had not been looking forward to. After my failed attempts to make a love connection at her birthday party, I had decided not to pursue it. However, since I’m as desperate as ever and she happened to pop up on my msn list one day, I proposed a meeting. It seemed like the right thing to do since I’d been avoiding my English Major friends for the most part. So I thought, “Hey, I’ll get this meeting out of the way and I’ll never have to see her again.”

There was some confusion as to whether we were meeting Tuesday or Wednesday and then whether we were meeting at all, but a couple of cell phone calls fixed everything up. We wandered around for a while as we searched for a Chinese restaurant that she liked. I wasn’t even sure it existed. We hit it off right away. It helps that I think she’d just done about three lines of cocaine. She was so hyper! I was unprepared, as I was planning to play the distant, straight-laced, nice guy. However, as I grew more familiar with the territory, I gradually drifted into my more comfortable depressed, bitter, cynical, borderline psychotic form.

We talked and talked and talked. There was nary a rift in the conversation. My humour gauge was spot on, which I’ve been having difficulty with lately. Yesterday, I knew just when to ramp it up and when to rein myself in. I don’t even think I had to break out too much of my old material. It was awesome. Maybe we could…

Then she mentions her boyfriend.

To my credit, I didn’t even flinch. I’m a master at not reacting when a girl drops the “Boyfriend Bomb”. I remember when I first met Michelle and she did it. I don’t even remember how she brought it up, but it rolled right off my skin. The key is not to have any assumptions. Or hope, in my case. It also helps if the girl knows how to aim it properly. In yesterday’s case, she brought it up during our criticism of Asian-philes and mentioned that her boyfriend was a South American guy and people thought that he was one of them. See, that’s a perfect segue. 1) I think she realized how well we were getting along and she had to drop it in eventually before things got out of hand. 2) We’re talking about couples, so obviously she should mention if she’s in one. Especially since it was relatively new information (they’d only been dating for a month). 3) She brought it up casually, which is always the best way. If she had emphasized it, it would be like her fighting me off with a large stick. Or a bat with nail in it.

After that, things continued to roll. It’s not like I wasn’t disappointed as I think she’s a great girl and the meeting had rekindled my interest. However, I suppose I should be happy to be happy for her. At least I have a new lunch buddy now. Ugh, “buddy”. It’s funny, the last time I saw her and she was single, there was zero chemistry between us. Suddenly, we were like old friends. I’ve always believed that a girl is more open and willing to talk to other guys when she’s got the cover of being in a relationship. Like, she can flirt all she wants because she (and the poor sap she’s charming) know that it’s all in good fun. Nobody gets hurt. At least that’s how I look at it. It’s a lot better for me when I know that the reason I have no chance with a girl is because she has a boyfriend as opposed to her just hating my fucking guts. I’m such a girlfriend sometimes. I guess it’s because I’m so non-threatening. And because I have a vagina.

Later that day I went to Queen’s Park to chill out and listen to music. Everything I listen to is sobering. I sat down in the bench and off in the distance were a couple frolicking in the fall leaves. I observed. There was this large tree in the way and the two figures kept darting in and out of sight. In and out of each other’s arms. It looked like two people rehearsing for a play and maybe it was. I enjoyed it regardless. I hate when couples feel the need to do extravagant things to keep their relationship entertaining. Here were two people who, if anyone asks them how they spent their afternoon, will say that they hung out in the park and hugged and kissed and made merry. I watched them for an hour.

Do you miss the old days?
Hmmm?
You know. Like when I said that before, about pulling over, it was because I was thinking about back then. All that highway we covered taking hot cars into Vegas or Phoenix or San Atone…I used to look at you under those great blue Texas skies, or the stars in Monument Valley, and I used to think–“He’s mine.” Today was a little bit like that.