Something Has To Change. Everything Has To Change.

Lightning Crashes – Live

I was in the hospital today visiting my grandmother and the above song was playing in the cafeteria. My cousin noticed it and I was like, “How appropriate.” He didn’t know what I was talking about and I explained to him (as you all surely know) that the song is about a woman dying and a child being born and yada yada yada. Watch the video. Then I remarked that whoever chose this song is either being obvious or being funny. Or both. I thought it was part of some preset playlist, but when it was over I realized it was another random song on the radio. Lightning Crashes in a hospital cafeteria. One of God’s little jokes, I suppose.

*****

I woke up the other day and realized that there isn’t a single area in my life that I’m even somewhat satisfied by.

School: I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. I’m probably one or two bad assignments away from being put on academic probation. Or as I like to call it, “Ack-Probe”. Even worse, my motivation for improving is so low because I genuinely fear that the things I’m learning in my courses have no use in the real world.

Job: I still work at Food Basics. There’s nothing else to say here, really.

Girl: Girl? Girl?!? Seriously, what girl would I be talking about here? It’s depressing. You know what kills me? Having so many female friends. It kills me, I’m not going to lie. Part of my unwillingness to find some new girl is that the girls that I know are already freaking incredible and whoever I one day decide to pursue is going to have to live up to those lofty standards. Everytime I sing the praises of one girl I know to another girl I know, the question of “Well, why don’t you ask her out?” inevitably arises. I don’t have a precise answer, but there are many theories which, luckily for you, I am choosing not to lay out here. Let’s just move on, shall we? This is a whole other post.

Friends: My friends are amazing. They treat me with the utmost kindness and respect and affection. They surround me and support me no matter how often I fail, which is often. I repay them by being a drag, being unreliable, just generally acting like a prick.

Julius has been trying to help me meet new people so he convinced me to join Frosh Committee. We had our first meeting today at 1:00. I woke up at 1:15. I swore at myself several times before thrusting myself out of bed, into my clothes and onto a bus. When I got there it was past 3:00 and everyone was leaving. I was so ashamed and embarrassed even though, as you might expect, people were telling me it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t, but it was indicative of my behaviour lately. It’s one thing to wake up late and hate yourself for it, but when it messes with the expectations that others have of you that’s when you’ve got a real problem on your hands. Afterwards, we went to get coffee and I couldn’t even muster up the effort to try and talk to The Ice Queen or Chris or anyone else besides David. I was going out of my way to be rude and anti-social. It was almost cartoonish. I don’t know why, I truly don’t.

You know what’s even more messed up? I couldn’t fully enjoy the Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab For Cutie concert because I was actually thinking about all this stuff. I couldn’t even enjoy The Clipse and their performance of Grindin’ was AWESOME. That’s when you’re officially a drag, when you’re letting yourself be brought down by all the negative things in your life that have nothing to do with whatever activity you happen to be engaging in. I feel like this guy. Christ, just knock on the fuckin’ door! Unbelievable.

My mother walked into my room at six in the morning yesterday and for whatever reason, I was still up. She was understandably horrified.

Damn it, it is hot.

Here comes Dax.
Can he hear us?
Are you kidding? He’s functionally retarded.
I’m thinking about having an affair with him.
Are you kidding?
I’m just so fucking bored.