Alyssa Alexandra Muise

The Way Things Are – Fiona Apple

She called me Eric. That’s usually not a good sign. I’d been thinking about Alyssa all week and she couldn’t even remember my name. Rather than panic, I took a deep breath, remembered that all Chinese guys look the same and politely corrected her. The situation was already kind of awkward. My friend Heather was back, so I had to introduce them and engage in a three-way even though I was only interested in getting some one-on-one time with Alyssa.

I managed to disengage from Heather after some post-class, “how’s-your-play-going-hey-maybe-I’ll-come-see-you-perform(-even-though-I-really-won’t)” banter. You know. That old chestnut. Alyssa asked where I was going and I told her she should come with me to Wetmore Hall since I had to meet Julius there and she needed to find a couch to rest her sore back.

I met up with Julius and a few other people I met during Frosh Week. She got the impression that I was this super-sociable, bro-type. Ha ha ha. Nice. We sat there for a while, her relaxing and me not doing my readings. I got to talking about high school and who she took to her prom (thanks for the advice, William) in a desperate attempt to uncover any potential “boyfriend bombs”. I was like a U.N. inspector searching for WMDs. Or not. Anyway, I found nothing…yet. I did, however, find out that she’s part of the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority. The same sorority as Tanya. Yep, she’s friends with The Ice Queen. There’s three things I can do with this information:

1) Employ the services of Tanya to help me hook up with Alyssa.
2) Make sure Tanya never, ever finds out that I’m going after her friend.
3) Scream, go home, burn my all clothes and have a good cry in the tub.

I’m leaning towards option 1. Tanya and I have been on good terms lately and besides, I can trust her to make me sound like a class guy, right? Right.

What bothers me the most about Alyssa being an *ahem* “Alpha Gam”, is that she’s not exactly the shy girl I’d imagined she was. Nope. She parties with frat boys all the time! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGH! Am I fucked? I’m fucked, aren’t I?

Yeah, things were going downhill pretty fast. I had to improvise. As she was preparing to throw away a box of raisins, I bet that she wouldn’t make it into the nearby trash receptacle. If she did, I said I’d give her one of my World Famous Big Al Piggyback Rides to the AGD house. She made the shot and we made plans to meet after our respective classes. The good news is that even though she got out half an hour earlier than me, she decided to stick around. That was a relief. Unfortunately, the logistics of her bag weighing about three tons meant that I couldn’t possibly give her a ride without her straining her back even further so I wouldn’t be showing off my mule-like strength on this night. Also, she was with her sorority “sister-daughter”, so I felt like I was tagging along with them rather than being some suave gentleman who was providing her safe travels through the dark university streets. I did insist on carrying her bag though, which I hope relieved her at least a little.

When I finally dropped her off at the house, I got a hug, which was okay. However, I also got kind of a “friend vibe”. Damn it! How do I keep doing this? I’ve only known her for, like, three total days. This sucks. I’m calling her this weekend. That’s it. I don’t care.

*****

My apologies for having nothing to post about but my latest failures with the opposite sex. To make up for it, I give you Conan and supermodel Izabel Goulart. The best stuff happens after the 5 minute mark. Enjoy.

So I’m never gonna see her again, I’m going cold turkey.
Good for you.
I’ll tell you, the sex… I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
It’s like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
It’s not like that at all.