Some bits and pieces assembled over the course of a lazy work week, part of an award-winning series I like to call Choking Yak’s Provoking Facts…

– HIGH-FIVE! and its sequel HIGH-FIVE HOLLYWOOD! White people love high-fives…SEGUEWAY!

– So regarding Stuff White People Like…great stuff, and subject of recent discussions (like…one discussion) as to who the author is. Let’s take some time to break down the facts we have available to us, frankly because I’m pretty much out of ideas about what to post about, and I got nothing better to do.

Common references to Canadian cities, and most notably mentioning Halifax without specifying it as Halifax, Nova Scotia (like Americans would know what the hell a “Halifax” is) in the Juno entry would suggest a Canadian author.

Clicking on the post author “clander”‘s name links to a bizarre personal blog regarding a NCAA Arizona Wildcats video game franchise…which would largely eliminate the possibility of a female author. Also, the line “Making LA part of the GTA” at the top of the site makes us unsure whether he’s got Los Angeles roots or Toronto roots…though now we are sure that he’s got both. Maybe he lives in one city and went to school in the other?

Reasoning suggests that the author is too well spoken and devoid of Unbridled Negro Rage to be black (racism high five!) or really anything other than white or Asian. Though the lack of racial anger and jealousy in the posts prompted me to eliminate the possibility of an Asian man writing that stuff, and the overall general emotional detachment would further eliminate the possibility of a female writer.

So. We have…one white male with ties to both Los Angeles and Toronto posting under the tag “clander”. Good stuff.

Of course, a much easier way to figure this all out would be just to check out the links to “Jess’s Photos” on the sidebar, which links to a Flickr account named “jslander”…which likely means a sister or wife, both with the surname Lander. Some more expert e-stalking reveals our author to be one [redacted], seen here enjoying a meal of ramen noodles. Studied at the University of Toronto, and currently lives in a house with his wife Jess (lovely wedding pictures here) in Culver City, California.

With the assistance of the online Culver City phone directory, his personal number might probably be [redacted].

This is why you generally want to avoid leaving personal details of yourself online, if you don’t like having this information accessible to random strangers. That’s a tip from me, [redacted], that I hope my fellow WAMBAGGERS, [redacted], will listen closely to as well.

Fortunately for all the names mentioned…no one actually visits our site.

– To all of you that engage in the time honoured tradition of playing fantasy baseball every year (so…me…and…me alone), you might want to consider dropping Prince Fielder a couple spots in your draft rankings as he prepares for this upcoming season by becoming a vegan. This is Prince Fielder, by the way – a guy that slugged .618 on his way to becoming the youngest player ever to hit 50 home runs in a season.

He is also one of my favourite players, and I model my power game after him – just a cursory glance will reveal how similar our body types are, nevermind the similarity between our games. And we’re both going to be wearing #28 this upcoming season, so GET HYPE.

I remain worried that my hitting won’t carry over into slo-pitch though…I guess I might not be able to maintain a batting average in the .700’s like in our beginner’s self-pitch-softball-co-ed-rec league last year.

– One of the ways I can assist myself in modeling my game more like Prince Fielder’s…eat a couple of these. By the way, if you’re not into watching guys slip giant condoms on bull penises that are as big as my arm (which is a valid, acceptable sentiment)…then I’d suggest you duck out of there once they start talking about the logistics of selective breeding.

“It’s funny, I don’t remember creating a Facebook profile.”
“Well, you were probably drunk, or high, or having gay sex with Manta Rays. It says here those are your hobbies.”

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