I would like to sincerely thank all of you who opted not to break into my empty house while I was away on vacation. Seriously, last night I was really expecting to walk into my room and just find a big pile of human (or animal) excrement, right in the center of my bed. So really, thanks to all of you who could have broken into my house and took a shit on my bed…but did not. It touched my heart. Aso, thank everyone for their very kind Christmas gifts. I managed to give each of you a much shittier gift than the one you each gave me, so that means I win.

In Hong Kong, I saw this middle-aged man on the subway rocking a white leopard print fur vest, and a girl walking around on the street with a WE FUCK THE FAKESHIT hat (example), which I found endless amusement in. These were the top highlights of my trip.

The low points were that I managed to break both my No-Sick Streak (October ’04, bronchitis) and my No-Vomit Streak (November ’01, stomach flu) in the same day. I always thought I would have broken the latter with heavy drinking, but I guess I just never went at the bottle hard enough. I worry now that the gateway to an irresponsible and excessively unhealthy lifestyle has been opened for me, now that I have no streaks left to protect…aside from my Being Alive Streak (August ’84, being born). And even that one’s come close to being broken too many times to count.

Also…I am half convinced that while I was away from the office, someone came in and switched my box of Kleenex with a another box of thinner, crappier Kleenex. I always get triple ply…this box is not triple ply. Thus I am forced to come to the only possible logicial conclusion – that I am the target of some henious conspiracy, an organized assualt upon my fragile mental sanity. To what end I have not figured out yet, but I suspect it may involve my desk, which is pretty prime office real estate for someone that isn’t a senior manager.

My chair was also missing when I got in yesterday morning too, which lends credibility to the conspiracy theory. I suspect one of the new co-opt students took it. This will not be an enjoyable work term for either of them now.

Some quick links to wrap it up…

– I found this cool beer on the internet, and I have no idea if it’s any good or how it tastes or whatever – I just know that Batemans Dark Lord is a pretty fucking awesome name for a beer. I have this dream now, to walk into a bar and proclaim like “Barkeep – fetch me a pint of DARK LORD!” This could taste like rotten black liquorice and I would still drink it all the time, just because I would enjoy ordering it so much.

– Apparently Barack Obama appears in an upcoming issue of The Amazing Spider-Man and gives Spidey daps? And to think, I dropped this book only a few months ago because I thought the three-a-month publishing schedule would water it down creatively and the musical chairs they’re playing with so many various creative teams would make the book dumb. Well who’s dumb now? That’s right, I am.

– I dare you not to laugh. Seriously, if you do not laugh at all at this one, you win, and you are better than me. Motivation enough? Okay, steel yourself…take a deep breath, put on your serious face, grit your teeth…and click. HIS FACE!!! I can’t help it, it’s too good. And since the new American President’s black, it’s okay to laugh at this stuff now. Wait, no, that’s not true, I apologize.

…it was always okay.

– I thought the quotes from this article about Eddy Curry’s gay sex scandal were superb and hilarious. I will let you peruse them at your own leisure, and in the meanwhile, I will post these two completely unrelated images of a scene from a random basketball game and a scene from a random movie. Individually, each picture only offers mild amusement, but for some reason…when combined together and viewed sequentially, the amusement level rises considerably.

Come and touch it, Dave.

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