Holy Fucking Shit

No exaggeration, that was that craziest baseball game I’ve ever seen in my life. Maybe the best as well…I mean hard to say for sure now while I’m caught up in the insane emotional high of a postseason series victory, I’ve seen so many games over the years…but definitely the craziest.

Let’s recap that wacky 7th inning shall we?

– In the top of the 7th, with Rougned “Jays Killer” Odor on third with two outs, Russell Martin forgets how to throw a fucking ball back to the pitcher, something he does like 150 times a game, hitting Korean Superstar Shin-Soo Choo in his hand while he stands in the batters’ box, which is technically a live ball, causing the ball to roll away and letting Odor score before anyone even realizes what’s going on. Rangers go up 3-2, causing the Win Probability for the Blue Jays to dive 17%.

– While confusion swirls, Blue Jays players start yelling at umpires, causing Brett Cecil to get ejected. Or was it Mark Buehrle? Or Michael Saunders? No one even knows which inactive player was thrown out of the game, it’s calamity! Rangers manager Jeff Banister points to a fan near the Toronto dug out who then gets…thrown out or arrested or something? No one fucking knows, the shitty television crew is completely clueless and the camera men are overwhelmed.

– During the 18 minute delay while the ruling is explained to everyone (umpires got it right, even though the plate ump should not have called a dead ball initially), classless Toronto fans throw trash and unfinished $12 beers onto the field. Some of the brighter and more ambitious ones throw shit from the 500 level, and without the blessed arm strength of Jose Bautista, end up dropping dangerous bottles and trash from the sky onto fellow Jays fans in the lower levels. The camera cuts to a terrified woman in the lower level who has somehow inexplicably decided to bring a fucking infant to a playoff game.

– John Gibbons officially inform umpires that they are playing the rest of the game under protest, which means the rest of the game could potentially be replayed if, subject to a ruling from the League President, the alleged misapplication of the rules is deemed to adversely affect the protesting team’s chance of winning the game. Which rule is being protested…I have no idea. But dammit, WE ARE UNDER PROTEST.

– Bottom of the 7th, the first batter Russell “I Hope I Get Out Of Here Alive” Martin grounds a ball up the middle, which is bobbled by Rangers shortstop Elvis Andrus. One error.

– Next batter Kevin Pillar grounds to the first baseman Mitch Moreland, who attempts to force Martin out at second with a total shit throw into the dirt that Andrus can’t come up with cleanly. Another error.

– Next batter Ryan Goins, who was going to be replaced by pinch-hitter Justin Smoak, now goes up to the plate to bunt. The bunt is a bad one, because…Goins, Beltre fields it clean and throws to Andrus covering third, who just straight up drops it like an idiot. Three straight errors have allowed the Jays to load the bases with none out.

– I take a nervous sip of my third beer as I have flashbacks of my 2009 softball team in the coed recreation level playoffs.

– Ben Revere, who is fourth in baseball with a contact rate of 90.1%, makes contact, but it is of the awfully shitty variety – a grounder directly to first baseman Moreland who forces pinch-runner Dalton Pompey at home.

– Pompey makes a great takeout slide – a proper non-Utley baseball play – to knock Chris Gimenez down and prevent the double play. Umpires review it because…I don’t know, some catcher interference rule or something? Nothing happens, and ground ball machine Sam Dyson comes in to relieve the impossibly handsome and calm Cole Hamels, looking to hopefully get front running MVP candidate Josh Donaldson to ground into a double play with the bases loaded and one out.

– Dyson gets Donaldson to fist a shitty flare to second…only Odor, tricked by Donaldson’s violent swing backpedals on the ball instead of turning his body to track it, and just misses it, allowing the ball to fall in and Pillar to score. Revere, like everyone in the stands and at home, thinking that the ball was going to be caught, hesitates at first and gets forced at second. Runners at first and third, two out.

– Jose Bautista, the heart and soul of this team, playing in his first postseason series after so many years of wandering in the baseball wilderness, comes up and promptly proceeds to commit murder of the first degree to the third pitch Sam Dyson throws him. It instantly becomes maybe one of the greatest moments in Toronto sports history, with perhaps the most boss bat flip I’ve seen in my life.

– Shit gets pretty crazy.

– BENCHES CLEAR, as Edwin Encarnacion’s actions in pleading with the crowd for some kind of sanity, are instead misinterpreted by Dyson as an attempt to raise the roof or something, who fucking knows.

– Jays are now up 6-3, and their Win Probability jumps to 93.5%. Three batters later Troy Tulowitzki is retired as the third out of the inning.

– BENCHES CLEAR AGAIN, as Dyson walks by Tulowitzki after getting him to pop out to the catcher, and slaps him in the ass. Hey Tulo don’t play like that Sam Dyson!

That will never, ever happen again.

The Blue Jays are going to the American League Championship Series.

What a glorious time to be alive.

According to Statcast™, the ball left Bautista’s bat at 106 mph and travelled a projected 431 feet.