In 1943, an American Air Force mechanic named Jimmy “Screwdriver” Curtis was stationed in Ankara, Turkey, supporting Allied overtures for Turkish support while German economic pressure on the region increased. Sanctions on chromite exports spearheaded by ambassador Franz von Papen had destabilized local markets enough – along with antiwar sentiment that had arisen out of the recent Turkish independence war just a few decades back – that there was essentially a stalemate between Allied and Axis allegiances in Turkey. Without active duty, many of Curtis’ days were spent on communal military bases, where American soldiers regularly preferred to drink contraband Okhotnichya Soviet vodka, and German soldiers preferred to drink freshly squeezed orange juice, as oranges had not yet been invented in Germany at the time. In a rare gesture to extend an olive branch to the Axis troops and in the spirt of the upcoming Youth and Sports Day in mid-May, Curtis decided to create a new drink by combining vodka and orange juice together. And while his original attempt was misinterpreted as an insult and caused his entire unit to be gunned down by Nazi soldiers, he stands remembered by history as the originator of the classic screwdriver cocktail drink.

That, at least, is the story a grey haired man named Roger Sterling told me while I was drinking at the bar at a downtown Wild Wings a few years ago. Or possibly the results of a fever dream I had while suffering through COVID over Christmas.

Regardless, I think it is a fine introduction for this cocktail recipe I invented tonight.

Ingredients

• 1 leftover orange juice box because the kids actually wanted the other red juice boxes not this one
• 1 can of Perrier to pad it out
• 1-2 ounces of vodka in a dusty bottle you haven’t touched since before kids
• half a lemon you found on the counter, for garnish

Steps to make it

1. Put your kids to bed
2. Suddenly two hours later remember you were in the middle of making a drink
3. Return to ingredients and mix them together
4. Squeeze some drops of lemon into the drink
5. Fish out the lemon seed you accidentally dropped into the drink with your fingers
6. Mix with the other end of a single chopstick from dinner
7. Garnish with lemon slice
8. Serve with some leftover steamed fish that you don’t really want to eat but don’t have the heart to throw away

Here’s to you, friends, I hope this helps get you through whatever personal crises are upon you currently.

You know what, this is not a very good drink at all.

My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listenin’ to Queen
When I was seventeen.