Unrequited Love Sucks

First things first, just let me say this:

Will.

Red Sox = World Champions 2004. Remember where you heard it first. Schilling and Pedro? Come on. Schilling's going to become the king of bling bling. The Boston Dynasty has begun!!!

And don't worry about the Jays. 100 wins should be enough.

Now to the topic at hand.

(soundtrack)
It's Gonna Be Me - *N Sync

I am NOT the kind of man who obsesses over one girl. I definitely obsess over girls in general, but I like to think that I've curbed the elementary school habit of singling out one poor girl as the object of my affection. Sure, I prioritize and distribute my time and attention accordingly, but if I like a girl I always make sure that I don't get in too deep, you know? Like, I'll spend an afternoon with her, but the next day I'll make sure to flirt with the girl in my Psych class. You've got to keep your head straight.

As you know, I have been putting most of my effort into charming this one girl. I realize now that I haven't even told you her name. It has nothing to do with secrecy, because the chance of her reading this blog is slim to none so here it is: Tanya. This should improve the efficiency of my blogs by 39%.

So I like Tanya. Like I said, she's sweet. However, for the most part, she treats me like garbage. I mean, when she's in a bad mood it is impossible for me to get a rise out of her. I'm throwing out my best material and getting nothing! For example:

* Jokes About How Good Looking/Cool/Amazing I Am
* Jokes About What A Loser I Am
* Jokes About How Unpleasant She's Being
* Arbitrary Humour
* Jokes About The ROM

That last one requires some explaining. We were in the Royal Ontario Museum the other day and it was raining like crazy, so she was in one of her moods. However, we were going to the museum and that's comedy gold! What does a comedian do besides make shallow, mostly obvious comments? And in a museum, it's easy! So I thought, "Great, I'll show her that I know how to have a good time and I'll have her feeling like a million bucks by the end of the day." But no, she gave me nothing. Barely a smirk or a chuckle...mostly just a hateful gaze.

And that's the way it is most of the time. I'm working my ass off to get her to like me and at best I get a smile. Usually it's just an exhausted sigh. I'm sick of it! I hate feeling so strongly for someone and getting jackass in return! I know that you're not supposed to be nice to people just because you want something from them, but damn-nit, I want some sort of reward! Why do I waste my time with this girl? There are plenty of women out there who would kill to be with a strapping young buck such as myself! I mean, WTF mate?

Forget it, I'm through! She's rude, self-obsessed, cold, humourless, completely unromantic...intelligent...innocent...beautiful...

...

...

...

I want her so badly.

SNL Post Of The Week:

It's Awesome! - Finally caught the Justin Timberlake episode and it was pretty damn good. Check out this parody of Punk'd. Ashton Kutcher can be so annoying.

Retro SNL Post Of The Week:

One For The Holidays - And yes, I'm obsessed with Alec Baldwin's SNL appearances.

I've gotta get back to work. Get me some juice...and a banana conyak, biatch!

11/30/2003 06:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oh thank the heavens - I'm back on broadband. Real broadband. Not this Rogers LITE crap. But I'm a DSL man now...I've crossed over to the dark side. Forgive me - its promise of power was too alluring to resist.

My first act after the return of broadband was to download this video of a monkey kicking a tiger's ass. I was crying tears of joy when it hit 20 KBps. When it reached 40, I had to minimize it and look away, because I just wasn't ready to handle it yet. I got dizzy from the speed of the download.

It's good to be back.

11/30/2003 05:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ah yes - Old Man Winter. We meet again. And thus begins our yearly battle of wits and weather. I don't mind his lovely young trophy wife Snow White - but I just can't stand the old grumpy bugger.

Round 1 - Old Man Winter takes first initiative, and sneak attacks me with a patch of ice as I walk towards my car. But due to my amazing Spider-Man level agility, I remain standing and only look a little retarded.
Yak 1, Old Man Winter 0.

Round 2 - I recover strong, and play some defense by activating the ass-warming device that crafty German engineers have installed in my seat. At this point, I believe I have gained yet another win over Old Man Winter. But I realize how wrong I am when I grab the steering wheel, which feels like it's made of ice, causing me to scream out in terror, anguish, and shame. I have foolishly placed my hopes of victory in German engineers, who for some forsaken reason, had decided to cover the wheel in leather.
Yak 1, Old Man Winter 1.

Round 3 - Old Man Winter hits again, by mucking up my windshield with slush and spray from the car in front of me. Damned German engineers screw me again with a useless single windshield wiper, and even the anti-freeze spray (my ace in the hole) comes up short. I end up running over a baby carriage and a sick little lost puppy, and Old Man Winter pulls ahead.
Yak 1, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 4 - Pressing the offense, Old Man Winter sicks his goon The Cold North Wind onto me, and tries to blow my hat away. But the rookie steps up and holds his ground, doing good in only his second start of the year.
Yak 2, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 5 - Getting out of the car, he tries to sweep me with another patch of ice, but it's countered by my combo of Cautious Look cancelled into Hesitant Step level 3 super.
Yak 3, Old Man Winter 2.

Round 6 - Unfortunately, I've depleted my super meter, and I can't use my Look Where I'm Going super. I stumble on the curb and look like a jackass, while two hot girls look on. And point, giggle, and comment on the size of my manhood. Old Man Winter forces a deciding Game 7.
Yak 3, Old Man Winter 3.

Round 7 - I forget to fully zip up the jacket, and one of The Cold North Wind's jabs breaks through my guard. But I manage to roll with it and get home, where's it nice and warm. The battle is nearly mine. But while Old Man Winter's lackey was tying me up outside the house, he had realized that I foolishly left my window open a crack the night before. And like the weasely whiz of a weather he is, he crept into my house and jumped me as I entered the room - just as I used my last bar of super for the Grit My Teeth super to defeat The Cold North Wind. I'm helpless as he chips me to death with his Damn, It's Cold In Here super.
Yak 3, Old Man Winter 4.

So you win this battle Old Man Winter. But we'll see about the war. We'll see.

11/29/2003 06:59:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oh dear goodness. Curt Schilling's on the Red Sox.

It's like the Russians just sent up Sputnik. Think US/USSR = Yankees/Sox. A mad arms race to win the AL East. Yankees are going to empty the coffers to resign Pettitte and Wells to go up against Pedro/Schilling, since the Rocket's gone. Boston might sign Keith Foulke. And then the Yankees may get Bartolo Colon. Gary Sheffield's probably going to be a Yankee. So Boston might sign...Luis Castillo? But if the Red Sox get A-Rod, that would be the equilvalent to a nuclear winter in 2004-2005. The entire world would break under that arms race.

And meanwhile, my young and rapidly improving Jays are going to be shafted for the playoffs. The division title gets ridiculously hard to win. And between the Sox and the Yankees, whoever doesn't win the title division is going to win the wild card. So we won't be playoff-likely until either the payrolls for the New York or Boston explode, or their players get old and die. Shucks.

Meanwhile, the Twins and the A's (or the Mariners) are going to coast to easy division titles posting near .500 records, from the combined beating the AL East will give them. Just look at it - the Yankees and the Sox are going to be ridiculously good next season. The Jays are always good, and always improving. And the Orioles and the Rays are pumping money into their clubs as of late, in some foolish, misguided, and futile attempt to finish at least third in the East.

This is going to be the best off season ever. ...unless you're a Blue Jays fan, that is.

11/29/2003 03:07:00 AM | Comments (0)

You'd be amazed at what kids are up to these days. Just a quick word of advice - the following links (maybe just the second one) are not for the easily offended. The simple act of knowing me is not for the easily offended, but for some reason, we're getting visitors that I've never met before.

This is a commercial. Harmless, really - it barely qualifies for a warning, but it just might not be a great idea to watch it alongside your parents.

But this one here...this is the thinker. I was deliberating whether or not to post this one...but I figured the hilarity outweighed the disturbing. But only barely. As it says on the page I linked, this is a 14 minute long pilot for a deranged version of Sesame Street. Keyword is deranged. Made by Vernon Chatman, a former writer for South Park and Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Once again - not for the easily offended. But there's parts that I can't help but laugh at. Shock humour at its best, my friends. If you can stand the Letter N bit ("Let's take this party downstairs..."), then I think you can take the hot dog factory ("Hot dogs give me energy to fight off my daddy!"). But if the hot dog factory wasn't too cool, then it might be a good idea to skip the "funny not funny" segment. Because that one...that one's just disturbing. Especially that part with the fucking clown. And it just gets worse from that point on. The turkey's got some shock humour at least...but I could see how the bit with the fox could just ruin your day. Or your week. ...or your life.

If your sense of humour's anything like mine (madcap, offensive, with a side of deranged) then you should click, click, click. But if you're one of those easily offended people (like most, normal members of society) then it's probably a good idea to skip out on the video.

Easily my most offensive link for The WAMBAG, but how can you not love lines like this: "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, on your door step? Fair warning." And delivered by a 6 year-old! Too good!

Oh, here's two mirrors, in case the link screws up or something. Actually, just use these, because the fellow with the site says his bandwidth is starting to max out. Mirror 1, and Mirror 2. Have fun. And don't sue me.

11/29/2003 12:19:00 AM | Comments (0)

I originally had this kick ass post lined up, where I used my amazing wit to link together Vince Carter dropping 43 points and some Japanese guy finishing Super Mario World 3 in 11 minutes.

...but sadly, that post will never see the light of day and the world is now a darker place. Because my new archnemesis posted it first, while I was out fighting crime, working to cure cancer, and reading to orphans. It just goes to show, nice guys always finish last.

Here's Jess' link by the way, in case mine doesn't work. It's mind boggling to even suggest my links may be inferior, but just in case, you know?

Anyway - it might seem pretty crazy when you first watch it, but upon closer inspection with the proper video game knowledge, it goes beyond just "crazy" and it goes into full "sweet sassy molassey that is so insane that my head is exploding" type stuff.
- I didn't even think you could hurt Bowser with fireballs. But look at how hard and fast he punked Bowster!
- Did you see all that ridiculous 1UP'ing in the 8th World? He did it with FIRE MARIO. Not just with the feather - oh no - but also with Fire Mario. That is...that is insane. He didn't just beat the game in 11 minutes, he also maxed out at 99 lives.
- Notice that he gets a star at the end of every single level. (Except once, but more on that later.) I couldn't even do it standing under the box and timing my jump. But he does it without hesitation, without any change of pace - it's timed so accurately that the star is just a by-product of finishing the level.
- There is one part where he gets a mushroom instead of a star. At first, you might think it's an accident - I mean, he's human, afterall. But no! HE'S NOT! It's done on purpose, as to skip the precious time wasting fireworks scene for getting three stars! And he still gets a mushroom - the second best! And again, without any change of pace or anything!

Perfection my friends. Complete perfection. It's like having a perfect game in baseball (there have only been 15 perfect games in over a hundred years of Major League Baseball)...but better. And more fun to watch.

...but it's all ruined, because I couldn't post this baby up fast enough. I'll get you Gadget!!!

Oh, and I brought back the comment system. Super Turbo Ninja Force Comment System Go!!! Remember, they're above the post, where the name and date are.

11/27/2003 10:52:00 PM | Comments (0)

And thus, we have our 10,000th visitor. Originally I wanted to whip out some major changes, like a redesign or something...but apparently, those things take both "time" and "effort." And I'm low on both. So that didn't fly. Was thinking of unveiling a new section to the site...but there aren't any to be unveiled. So that didn't fly either.

So instead, I'll be posting a fancy "The Making Of The WAMBAG" introspective in the days to come. Maybe even as an Article or something. Unheard of, I know. This introspective will also be included in the special commemorative DVD, that will be released when he finally hit it big. Including commentary from such special guest as...me...and...Emu (if we're lucky)...and me again. I'm still in talks with James Earl Jones to bring him in as the narrator.

However, I'm a little busy (gasp!) at the moment, so that'll have to wait for a bit. But for now, let me award abc with his/her/its Certificate of Distinction. Any similarities between that and the certificate I got in Grade 8 for the Gauss Math Contest is purely coincidental. So print it out, frame it, hang it on your wall, call your mom, and celebrate - because there is no other experience on Earth that can compare to the honour you've gained today. In fact, just end your life right now, because any other event would tarnish its memory, any time passed would diminish its significance. There is truly nothing left to live for - you've discovered the meaning of life.

So to the rest of you - onward ho to 50,000 or something! (Assuming we aren't dead, in jail, or both by that time. Which is a very unlikely possibility.)

11/27/2003 12:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

Sad Bastard Music

Nah, I'm not depressed again. In fact, I had a pretty good day. It involved me spending my whole psych seminar flirting with this girl, then walking her back to her room, then chilling in her room for a bit and then...well, you know.

However, I just had to write about the daily commute.

(soundtrack)
Save Me - Aimee Mann

Anyone who takes the bus or the subway or the GO train can relate to that "someone crapped in my cereal" feeling of riding the public transit. I don't konw how or when it happened, but somewhere along the way I became just another jaded commuter.

It's just so freaking boring. Though the concept of remaining personally at rest, yet still moving has always fascinated me (read: riding a bus), the novelty wore off by the end of my first day. It doesn't help that everyone looks more like they want to jump in front of the train as opposed to on it.

Shoes. It all comes down to shoes.

When you're commuting, you stare at a lot of shoes. Why? A final, desperate attempt to avoid eye contact. When the bus is full and you can't stare ahead or to the side or at any other angle, you've got to look down and what do you see?

Shoes.

What happens if you accidentily make eye contact with someone? Usually you both try to quickly look away and pretend it never happened. Sometimes you see anger, sometimes sadness.

And sometimes you catch that look in someone's eyes where you can't break away, as if they're saying, "Somebody help me."

But the look in your eyes says, "I'm sorry. I can't."

11/25/2003 07:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

Didn't really notice it, but with the speed of a snail (a crippled one, going backwards) we are fast approaching the 10,000 hit mark. It's a few short from when I reloaded the wrong version of the site without the hit counter, and kept it up for several months...but the fact that I check this page over 700 times a day probably balances it out. In fact, despite having close to 10,000 hits, I strongly suspect that there have only been arond three actual and distinct visitors.

And as the Law of Blogs dictates (page 56, paragraph 2, sub-heading 6), the 10,000th visitor must be identified and castrated. Or awarded something, depending on my mood. Just to recap for those of you keeping score at home - number 1001 was our lovely homegrown Jessica Pang, and number 5000 was one odd fellow only known to us as "John." By the way John - your urine sample didn't check out. My team of scientists informed me that it didn't pass our strict drug screening tests. And by "my team of scientists infored me that it didn't pass our strict drug screening tests", I of course mean "Max and AL tell me it tasted sour. REAL sour." Sorry mate, but let that be a lesson to all you out there who are even thinking about visiting this site with the aid of performance enhancing drugs. Like gummy bears. And crack pills.

So I've popped up the hit counter up there, and if it says 10,000 when you visit, then come on down to the tagboard and type out "I am teh winnar!!!111oneonetwothree" A screenshot or anything isn't necessary - if you're desperate enough to cheat at this "contest" then you have bigger issues to work out. And obviously, if you're one of the four boneheads other than me that can post to this site, you can't win. In that case the "winner" will be the 10,001th or the 10,002th or whatnot.

In the event of a tie, we will host brutal mortal combat between the two candidates, over on that bridge at Toogood Pond, where we will play that music from when Kirk was forced to fight Spock. In the event that we can't find a copy of it, then we'll just hum it. That sound good? Then let's dance. *DEEH DEEH DEEH DEHDEH DEEH DEHDEH DEEH...*

11/24/2003 06:49:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's Been A Good Day (Or Two)
(subtitle)
I See White People

Just got back from Guelph.

(soundtrack)
So Far Away - Carole King

It was great, real great. It started off with a minor speed bump, but other than that it was...(turns into Tom Cruise talking about Scientology) extraordinary. It was...extraordinary. I can't even...it was...it was extraordinary. (repeat until annoyed)

And yes, William is the only one who will get that joke, but I don't care.

Anyways, when I got there, I had a little time mix-up with Annia. She thought that I was leaving Toronto at 3:15 and I thought I told her that I was leaving at 3:15, so regardless of who was in error I ended up waiting at the Guelph Greyhound station for the better part of 2 hours. Luckily, I am a very patient man. I sat around, watched the people come and go, made small talk with the locals...

Ah, who am I kidding? The station had one of those old Neo Geo machines that contain four games. This one had:

Puzzle de Con - Yet another sequel to Puzzle Bobble, but with a slightly different objective. I'd never heard of it before.

Some Stupid Golf Game - Stupid.

Aero Fighters 3 - Totally kick ass! I didn't play it while I was there, but I've logged tons of hours in this game on my emulator. One of the most underrated shooters of the 90s.

And of course...

Magical Drop 2 - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Anyone who has had to hang around me in the last couple of years knows that I am obsessed with Magical Drop 2. It's inarguably my favourite puzzle game of all time (at least off the top of my head), and I HATE puzzle games! But this one rocks. I won't bother you with the basic premise of the game, if you've played an "up-down" 2D puzzle game before, you get the idea, but I just love this one above all others. Probably because I dominate so much at it. I can say, with plenty of confidence, I am the best Magical Drop 2 player in all of North America. Not in Asia, because the game is pretty fobby.

So in my boredom, I managed to get the no.1 score on the game, leaving my initials on the highscore list. That's a piece of me that Guelph will never get rid of. Don't F with "ALX".

Eventually Annia came to get me and the adventure began!

Let me just say that I don't think I will ever get used to travelling. Even though Guelph was hardly as foreign as, say, Peru (shiver), I still had that feeling of being lost. Luckily, Annia was around to hold my hand.

After seeing some of the campus and dropping my stuff off in her room, we headed out to get something to eat. She took me to this cool sports bar, where I did my best to mingle with her friends, who were thankfully Chinese. I say thankfully because as the subtitle above suggests, THERE WERE A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE IN GUELPH!!! You could not go a stones throw without hitting some white dude. Trust me, I tried.

Anyway, yeah, Annia's friends were a'ight. It helped that I could just block them out because the big screen in the bar was showing the Sixers-Celtics game. Also, her friend Erin, was nice. And there was a big black guy named Big Mike.

Later (or was this before dinner?), I forced her to help me out with this REALLY boring psychological experiment. Annia, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

After that exercise, she decided it would be a good idea to go bar hopping with Andrew "Butt"-ler, Amy "Not So" Quick and Mr. "I Have No Life" Fife. Har Har. I'm just kidding, they're good people. I knew that this was a bad idea. Let's just say that I don't trust any of those three to take care of me in the situation that I've had too much to drink (meaning: two beers). After getting thrown out of one bar (because Andrew's borrowed ID didn't clear, bwahahaha!), we waited about 20 minutes for Mr. Fife to show up and when he did, it wasn't worth it. He brought his crew of ne'er do well middle agers along and we couldn't really get in to any place they wanted to go, so we let Andrew and Amy run off with them while we wandered around downtown looking for a quiet place to talk.

There wasn't anything downtown, so we went back to campus and she took us to this perfect little cafe. All chic with the nice furniture and the ambience and things of that nature.

We finished the night off by kicking it in the lobby while watching Conan O'Brien. Then we went back to her room and yes, I slept on the floor. You perverts.

I should mention that I ran into Mr. Jeff Lindquist and after talking for a bit, this exchange occured:

Annia: Don't you guys need to catch up on things?
Alex: (trying to get rid of Jeff) We are caught up!
Jeff: (trying to leave) Yeah!
Alex: I can see that you're wearing a hat now!
Jeff: And you now suck at basketball!
Alex: Right! We're all caught up! I'll see you later buddy!
Jeff: Bye Al!
Annia: ?

It's a bit funnier when you understand the context. Suffice to say, it's just a funny example of how women will never understand how guys get along.

We spent Saturday shopping all day, which plum tuckered me out. That's why my synopsis here is a little short on details.

All you need to know though is that I had a great time and I feel rejuvenated...but exhausted.

I'm going to go eat and sleep now.

SNL Post Of The Week:

Two times!

Gay Jokes - Let me just say that the Alec Baldwin episode kicked ass last week. This was one of the better sketches, but I'm only posting it because, well, the next one doesn't work so well in print.

Zing! - An instant classic! So classic, I'm not even posting a retro (read: I'm lazy). But like I said, this skit is not that fun to read. You can tell just by skimming it that without being able to see the actualy physical comedy, it's kind of pointless. However, I have to post it in respect for it's excellence. I speak of this skit in hushed tones.

The ever lovin' end.

11/22/2003 10:19:00 PM | Comments (0)

I feel that since I don't really contribute to this site often, when I do, it should be quality stuff.

Well, that's a shame. I'm le tired.

11/22/2003 04:33:00 AM | Comments (0)

Some redneck-themed linkage for today.
- Beer truck crashes into corn truck. Beer 'n corn! H'yuck!
- Video of a chainsaw hooked up to a V8 car engine. Because you just can never cut lumber fast enough. H'yuck!
- A factory catching fire and exploding. ...a fireworks factory that is! What is that - Swedish? And correct me if I'm wrong...but I'm almost certain that the cameraman did not survive. But just look at all them purty colours! H'yuck!

11/21/2003 08:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Weekend That Will Never Come

(soundtrack)
Responsibility - MxPx

Will and I have been talking about this phenomenon for awhile, but I just want to get it down so that I don't accidentily put it in "The Vault".

We all procrastinate. Oh, there are those few people who finish their assignments two or three weeks ahead of time and actually organize their time into "work" and "fun" periods, as opposed to the rest of us who tend to just mash the two together, often with uneven results.

To narrow this down even further, I believe that there are a lot of procrastinators who genuinely believe that at some point in time, they will find one or two days in their lax schedule to catch up with it all. Generally, this would be a weekend.

The weekend, while also a period of great leisure, is also the perfect time to do work (assuming you don't have a job). You have minimal obligations and it's pretty much up to you to decide how and when things are going to get done. Hell, you can even pull an all-nighter on a Friday or Saturday night and still be rested enough to operate on Monday. Every weekend should be used to catch up with school work, but most of us wait for one particular weekend where we will straighten everything out.

But that weekend is a myth. A fairy tale. An urban legend.

Can't you see? There is no magic weekend where you have all the time in the world to clean up your act, it just doesn't exist. Something always comes up, or you make something come up to avoid working! It's incredible.

So children, don't wait for it cause' it ain't coming. Apparently, that crap they've been feeding us about time management all these years...well, it's important. So don't clump it all together; steal the hours of each day and make the time like that. "Procrastination is a slippery slope" as William would say. Think of proper time management as an escalator. Wait...yeah, escalator.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm going to Guelph this weekend!

Auf Wiedersehen!

11/20/2003 09:58:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just this one piece of news today - it's just so odd that I felt I had to throw it up here as soon as I got it.

A woman in Flordia suffers a stroke...and wakes up with a high-pitched British accent. "Foreign-accent syndrome!?!"

I'm speechless. HA! GET IT!?! "Speechless?" Eh? EH!?! Because she...with the British...thing...um...I'm done.

11/19/2003 11:38:00 PM | Comments (0)

I think I've figured out why we're all so tired. Especially at that Yao Ming game.

11/17/2003 09:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's Been A Bad Day, Please Don't Take A Picture (Yeah, I know, I used this song already but hey, F off)

Sick Of Myself - Matthew Sweet

So I'm talking with my friend Angel during my Drama lecture and since I happen to be in full Sad Bastard mode at the time, she has the decency to ask me, "How are you?" Not just as a pleasantry, but as an actual inquiry, like "Geez, you look like hell, buddy are you ok?" But back to the "How are you?"

I reply, "Unhappy."

And I wasn't just being bitingly witty. I was...I am unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not "crying all day, skipping classes, listening to all my Weezer CDs on repeat, watching Rudy, contemplating suicide, going to bed at 5 in the morning, waking up in a pool of my own vomit/urine" unhappy. I mean, yeah, I can function. But I'm miserable. I cannot reasonably experience the emotion that you humans call "pleasure".

Case in point: I was at the Raptors-Rockets double overtime game yesterday, which was absolutely friggin' amazing! The Raptors even won and yet I went home feeling like someone had just taken a dump in my mouth. It didn't help that I was going on three hours of sleep, but that's another story.

Luckily, there is one thing that I know for sure. It's a seasonal thing. I'm always like this around the Winter, snowy, dark days. They flat-out suck. And don't even get me started on Christmas. Jaysus, trust me, that's a post all on it's own.

Oh yeah, and of course things are going terrible with the girl. Is it a bad sign when your object of affection seems to have no interest in you sexually? Just wondering.

And so on and so forth...

SNL Post Of The Week:

A Time Travel Sketch - I'll be honest. I didn't actually see this. However, the concept is hilarious, it's a good read and you can pretend that Andy Roddick can deliver his lines properly.

Retro SNL Post Of The Week:

And Now One With Jim Carrey - Ride the snake!

Stick a needle in me, I'm done.

11/17/2003 06:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

Can't talk. Time spent talking is time away from playing game. So simple. But so good. Highest streak is 17. I suck. But game is still good. http://game.panlogic.net/boredmeeting.swf

11/16/2003 10:26:00 PM | Comments (0)

My apologies - a rather long one today, I'm afraid.

11/13/2003 10:41:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Big Hit #7

Wow, this site actually updates with new posts like everyday now. Incredible. Now whether that's a good thing, that's for you to decide. I've been in the gym for the past 2 hours and just 5 minutes ago, they had to close it down for an indoor soccer game. Seeing that I still have 1 hour left in my break, I decided to post here. Why? That's because I have no friends and have no where to go hangout beyond the gym.

Let me tell you a little something about Monday. I was walking down the stairs from my 5th floor Design class when a girl paused right infront of me. She held her head with her hand and seemed kinda groggy. Being the gentleman I am, I asked if she was alright. She didn't say anything. So I asked her again, and before I could even see her face, she tumbled down 6 steps of stairs and started to FUCKING SEIZURE ON THE GROUND. She was spasming on the ground and her eyes were rolled back into her friggin' skull! Quickly, I took my jacket off and placed it under her head while she was spasming to prevent any further head injuries and told some dude to call for help. After about 16 seconds of seizuring, she passed out.
So instinctively I recalled my lifesaving skills and did a routine check on her. Breathing. Check. Pulse. Check. Phew. Luckily within 7 or 8 minutes paramedics got to the scene and carried her away on a stretcher, so that was the end of that. Yeeeeeikes, that was ROUGH. I couldn't walk straight for the next half-hour and I just sat on the ground during my break. I decided to skip my typography class after this incident and just go home and sleep on it.

Btw, is anyone going to school on friday after commencement? I'm really tempted not to go on friday cause I only have 1 class. Someone please tell me, because I need an excuse not to go. (That's terrible I know.)

Ohh, another thing worth noting is that I got dunked on by a big black guy.
(BG=blackguy)
BG1: "Oh shit man did you that kid?! He just got teabagged by Raz!"
BG2: "Yeah man, that kid just had a faceful!"
Max: "Yo that was a charge man!" (jokingly)
Raz: (helping me up) "You were standing in the circle."
Max: "No, I really wasn't."
Raz: "Yeah I know, but I still teabagged you."
Max: "...yea, didn't enjoy that."
Thankfully it was all in good fun, cause I'm friends with this guy, but nonetheless it was embarassing.

Since I'm making this post from school, I don't have any links to throw up so that will have to wait till next week. Also note how both last week and this week I didn't post on friday because I don't have that kinda commitment. So from now on I'll just post whenever.

I'm out. Jordan!

p.s. Watch "The O.C.". Excellent show.

11/12/2003 02:38:00 PM | Comments (0)

From The Newly Opened Bureau Of Meaningless Observations and Discussions (The B.M.O.D.)

This is just a quickie, because William's anal retentive behaviour has made me realize just how ridiculous the world is.

You know those Sprite commercials about how drinking Sprite won't make you a better athlete, but you should drink it anyway cause it tastes good? I like those commercials. However, upon further review, I became slightly bothered by the one with the BMX rider.

You know the one. He's on a dirt track, jumping around, doing tricks and making all the kids go wild. Then he does a cool move where he flips in the air or something while throwing his empty Sprite bottle into a receptacle (recycling, natch). Then he gets hit by a bird while attempting his last trick and falls to the ground. Cue the Sprite logo and the slogan, "Image is nothing, taste is everything." They're like, "Yo, Sprite is keeping it real! We know our drink won't make you a better biker, check this fool here who's now lying on his ass even though he drinks our drink! It's ironic, ya dig? Drink Sprite cause it's good!" and so on and so forth.

All I have to say is this: He got hit by a bird.

Not only did the Sprite have nothing to do with his performance, but he didn't fall for any lack of skill either. This man was tearing it up until God decided to smite this poor guy because of his false idolhood. Or something. This commercial has nothing to do with image, or thirst...

Muthafucka got hit by a bird, I mean, come on, man.

11/12/2003 01:55:00 AM | Comments (0)

Since posting that bit on As Long As You Love Me, I've managed to deal with it, and move on with my life. I'm happy to say I'm no longer haunted by sleepness nights, wondering whether every little thing that you have said and done feels like it's deep within me or not. But as is the nature of these things...I've since found a new issue that's taken over my life, and has robbed me of both my sanity as well as my ability to sleep through the night. Not to say that it's a new idea - I've been plagued by this for over a decade.

The issue at hand revolves primary around Kellogg's Eggo Waffles. Now for those of you who've never had an Eggo before (and you know who you are, you digusting savages) I've taken the liberty in looking up the official Eggo Waffles information page over at Kellogg's. Homestyle, of course. It's interesting to note that the ingredients include "reduced iron." ...why would they lower the iron content? What possible reason could there be? This baffles me to no end. (Eh? "Baffles?" Eggo..."Waffles?" Eh? EH!?! BOOYAH!!!)

But I'm not really bothered by the iron thing. The real issue has to do with the actual shape of the Eggo. Because my post gets ridiculously long and bizzare at this point, I've tucked the rest away stylesheet-style. Continue at your own risk.

11/11/2003 10:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just a tiny link for you today - A (an?) Yu-Gi-Oh! (do I really need to include the '!'?) anti-drug advertisement! Check that stuff OUT!

And let me just say - that sucker is DRY. Drier than a dead dingo's donger! I think that's what makes it so funny to me. Also, the ad itself is already inhertently flawed - if I (still) played any card games of any sort, you can be damn well sure that I wouldn't have enough money left over to buy crack.

Besides, playing Yu-Gi-Oh! cards are just a different type of drug abuse - they're still hopelessly addictive, and you can have a reeeeeal good time with them. But when you're done, you realize that you're playing collectible card games and you have no real friends aside from your Hyper White Winged Super Turbo Dragon...and you crash. You crash hard. In fact, there should be anti-Yu-Gi-Oh! ads instead. Where Tyrone the crack head comes in and says "CRACK COCAINE! It's MY anti-Yu-Gi-Oh!! ...I keeell you!" At which point he jumps into the toilet and flushes himself to escape.

...I don't know. It could work.

11/10/2003 09:45:00 PM | Comments (0)

If Something Isn't Growing It's Dead

(soundtrack)
Momentum - Aimee Mann

As I write this, I'm supposed to be working on a Narrative essay.

University work. I'm supposed to be working hard on university work, stepping up my game for the big dance, and what am I doing instead? Not working.

I wish finding my motivation was as easy as finding any other lost thing. Like, you could just trace all your steps until you remembered the last place that you had it and then go back there and get it. But you can't do that, can you? I swear, for the better part of the last two years I have been unable to act in a productive manner. My development as a human being has just...halted. I'm what Fabian Cortez would call a "flatscan". I've evolved as far as I'm going to go.

Now I sit at my keyboard, staring at an assignment that an elementary school student could do and I cannot, cannot get myself to string a series of words together and form a single useful sentence. It's not even writer's block, it's something else. Writer's block suggests that there's ideas in my mind that can't quite squeeze themselves out, but I think I have a different problem. It's like, the ideas in my head aren't even entirely coherent, they're a formless blob of raw thought and memory. Like that feeling you have when you wake up in the morning after going to bed really late and realizing that you didn't have any time to dream. Yeah, like that.

And I'm tired of going to school and not knowing why I'm there or what the hell I'm doing. I'm tired of knowing that I'm letting down every teacher who told me that I can do anything I want to especially when the when the only thing I want to do is curl up into a warm ball and rest. Why have I been cursed with having people believe in me? Why couldn't I be one of those inner city youths with big dreams and a bigger heart, with everyone telling me that I'm not gonna make it? Some people have all the luck.

The sad thing is that I'm not afraid. That came with my newfound inability to achieve anything; I also seem to be immune to failure. Don't get me wrong, it sucks and I try to avoid it at all times, but for some reason I can't learn from it. I'm locked in a nice pattern and it's killing me. But like I said, I'm okay with that.

If you're reading this, then you've clearly caught me at a bad time. I don't think there is a worse time to catch someone than when they're in the middle of doing an important assignment. It's like, they suddenly feel excused to go on an enormous bitch-fest because they'd rather do that than deal with whatever problem they have.

Jaysis! Would ya listen to me? I'll be fine, I'll be fine. I just had a real shite week. You don't need to hear about it, suffice to say that it's put me in this mood, so you can figure it out. I've just had what alcholics refer to as a moment of clarity and let me tell you, the picture wasn't pretty.

This rant has been some whiny crap, but unfortunately, I know that there's a lot of truth in it. Something's got to give.

SNL Post of the Week:

Again last week's episode sucked, but I missed Andy Roddick so here's the mono from last week.

Just Skip Down To The Part With The Pervert

And now one more for the good times:

Retro SNL Post of the Week:

Stallone Aids A Car Wreck Victim - This could have worked with Arnold too.

Everybody just cool out...

...

...

COOL OUT!

11/10/2003 12:44:00 AM | Comments (0)

There's something that's been bothering me for the last little while. So I thought I'd talk about it. Now...one of my favourite songs is As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. And I mean like Top Five favourite. If I was ever going to be trapped on a desert island, and I could burn a CD with only five songs, As Long As You Love Me would be on it. Can't really pick put the other four right off the top of my head, but I've got one out of five down for sure.

But I love it for the melody more than anything - in fact, I've only recently really consciously listened to the lyrics. Because let's face it - the Backstreet Boys (along with the entire pop industry) aren't going to be remembered for their lyrics. For your reference, here are the lyrics to the song.

What's bothering me are these two lines in the song. Line 18 and 19 each respectively read "Every little thing that you have said and done / Feels like it’s deep within me." The problem is that this line is that it is blatantly contradicted by several others lines within the very same song.

First off, the chorus itself states that "I don’t care who you are / Where you’re from / What you did / As long as you love me." Paraphrasing, it essentially states that "I don't care what you did." But how can that be? Everything that you have said and done feels like it's deep within me! This is stated twice within the chorus, which repeats throughout the song three times - stating that I don't care what you did SIX times in total.

In the first verse, we see that "(I) Don’t care what is written in your history / As long as you’re here with me." (Lines 7-8). And then in the last verse we find again that "What you did and where you’re coming from / I don’t care, as long as you love me, baby." (Lines 27-28).

So how can I claim that every little thing that you have said and done feels like it's deep within me, when I don't care what you did, what is written in your history, or what you did and where you're coming from?

Ergo, symptomatic reading reveals to us conflicting views on really what I care and don't care about. It can be then further scrutinized - and in light of superior evidence in regards to both quantity and quality - it can be concluded that I actually don't care about every little thing you have said done...as long as you love me.

11/08/2003 10:11:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Big Hit #6

You bastard Will. I was JUST about to post about AvP and Punisher, but you're one step ahead of me. Well then, seeing as how today is Matrix day, let me talk about it. That's right, I SAW THE MATRIX FIRST. *spoilers* In Revolutions, the defences of Zion fall within the first 5 minutes. Then the sentinels come in and rape the entire city with their mecha-tentacles. Much raping ensues for the next 6 hours and in the end, Neo dumps Trin, and has homosexual love with Agent Smith. *spoiler end* Hah, didn't believe me for a single minute there did you? Good, because that was just the twisted anime porn I watched last night. And the night before. And the one before that one. And... well you get the point.

For real though, I DID watch Revolutions today and I found it... good. The graphics in that movie are absolutely mind blowing and I dropped my jaw for the entire Zion raid scene. There was a lot of cheesy moments and cliches but all in all, it was excellent. Oh btw, the ending sucked. Another thing that sucked, were the annoying group of teens behind me. There were about 7 of them and they were laughing, giggling, and talking really loud during the start of the movie. It got to the point where I just turned around and told them to "Shut the F up!". After that, a couple of people started clapping, and those teens just got up and left the theatre. Heh, stupid kids.

I don't have many links this week because... I was lazy. Yeah I won't lie, but you know what? I'm a straight shooter, and you can't fault me for that. (Yes!)

Kill Bill stuff

Optical illusions

I'm out. Kobe! (31-8-7)

11/05/2003 05:30:00 PM | Comments (0)

The official Alien vs. Predator movie site has launched, featuring a new teaser trailer. I gotta admit - I am teased. I want to watch this movie very badly, though I know no good can come from it. Nothing good about the talent attached to it, and I'm hearing some really ugly news about the script. I think I'm just going to rewatch Predator - one of the greatest movies of all time, and featuring our beloved Ahnuld. So many classic one-liners in that one.
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."
"Stick around."
"I ain't got no time to bleed!"
"It ain't no man."
"You're one ugly muddafucker."
Or my personal favourite - when Billy takes out his knife and screams "YAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

Aliens was also one of the greatest movies of all time - in both the conventional sense, and also in regards towards my twisted one-liner obssession. Who could forget "Game over man! It's game over!"? No one has. No one can.

So how can this new movie possibly top a combination of these two? How can it even meet the impossibly high standards they've created? Predator 2 was nowhere near as good as the first. Aliens 3 and 4...well, the less said the better. I'll still watch it fo so...but just with very low expectations.

Much like what I'm going to do Revolutions.

Ah, but this...this is interesting. A full out Punisher trailer. I've never been a big Punisher guy, but the very fact that it's a comic book movie has got my nerd senses all tingly. Good mindless gun action, that cool switchblade bit, and some quality psycho Travolta villian goodness - well, you've got me hooked. I'm there. ...would have much rather preferred they not have used that Drowning Pool song though. Major points off for that one.

And speaking of psycho...it's now time for 24 (aka The Bauer Hour of Power), featuring my boy Triple P (Psycho President Palmer). Just for your information...I will be dead to the world for the next hour. Have fun.

11/04/2003 08:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just Because

Let me say first off that this week's SNL with Kelly Ripa was SHITTY! I have nothing against Ms. Ripa, but the skits were just terrible. There were three or four skits that involved "interview-type" shows like a "Regis & Kelly" parody (somewhat funny only for the homosexual exploits of surprise guest Chris "Straight as Liberace" Kattan) and a parody of "Access Hollywood" where Ripa had to play Renee Zellweger (brutal, just brutal). The only highlights were the monologue, where Ripa had to deal with a creepy audience member obsessed with "Dance Party USA" and Horatio Sanz imitating Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville. Of course, Jimmy Fallon was involved so they began cracking up about halfway in and generally sabotaging the entire skit. Horatio was supposed to sing a song about this crazy party that he was at, some of the lyrics include:

Blowing 200 grand on exploding titty cakes
Drinking vodka from an ice sculpture's prong
Getting high with Hulk Hogan
Stuffing chili peppers up a monkey's ass

I don't know, man, I just don't know...

On a completely unrelated note: Am I crazy or does that new Blink 182 song kind of suck?

And now a story:

(soundtrack)
Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

I spent a lot of time in the rain today. There's something inherently depressing about that, even though I'm not one of those people who hates the rain. But it definitely creates a certain mood, you know?

I really wanted to see the girl today. I mean, I really did. Unfortunately, I came to this decision a little too late and I missed my chance. My chance being, catching her as she was leaving one of her classes. Is that stalking? I don't think so. I hope not. I like to think that it's sweet. I mean, it's an indication that I like being around her and I want to see her a lot, right? RIGHT?!? I've got to see her at least once a week even though she has no interest in me sexually. D'ah well.

I did have the pleasure of walking around with one of my new friends, her name is Michelle. I positively adore her! She's one of those people who comes off as completely genuine. Best of all, she confides in me! We were talking about her longstanding relationship with her boyfriend and she told me some surprising, but nice things. Yeah, I'm a big pussy. What can I say, I like seeing things work out for other people and hearing about how well her relationship was going made me feel good.

Yeah, I'm a big pussy.

So then I stood in the rain later because I had to change buses TWO times! What the hell is that? Ah well, I didn't really mind.


I really would have liked to have seen her today.

SNL Post of the Week...er, Day...um, Three Days...ah, #^&@ it!:

Because This Week's Show Sucked So Hard - Please read this to make me feel better.

Zippity-Doo-Da Buh Bye!

11/03/2003 10:05:00 PM | Comments (0)

Note to self: kill the following people.

- Girl in English class with really annoying laugh. First, learn identity. Second, stalk her. Lastly, silence her. Forever.
- Idiot on the subway that pumped his music so loud I could hear it perfectly from his ear buds. And it was really terrible sounding music.
- Woman on the subway who hugged and leaned on the central pole, making it impossible for the six people around her to use it.
- Little school girl who wouldn't take off her enormous backpack. Recommend strangling her.
- Stupid looking high school kid, for looking stupid. Uncombed hair, massive glasses, and has never shaved in his life. Reminded me of how I looked like in grade 8 - thus increasing my rage a thousand-fold.
- Random guy that brushed his hand against mine as we shared a pole. Unintentional skin-to-skin contact, initiated by him, with no apology. UNACCEPTABLE. Recommend something nasty, with hooks or acid.
- Valley girl on the bus that just...was really, really annoying. (Aborted - her friend was hot.)
- Fat goth chick draped in a robe of purple velvet. For being a fat goth chick draped in a robe of purple velvet.
- Middle aged business man who body checked me on the subway after a sudden stop. Was not holding a pole, though he clearly was able to. No apology. No eye contact. No mercy for him.
- Old lady on the subway that kept looking at me. And kept doing it even after I won numerous stare-downs.
- Dangerous looking man that destroyed me in a stare-down. Seek dishonourable vengence - recommend attacking him while he sleeps.
- Skinny chinese kid on the bus who was really loud. (Didn't realize he was wearing a really old Blue Jays t-shirt.)
- Random dude that elbowed me in front of Con Hall. (refer to future rant)
- Those two jackasses that sit in the balcony of my Statistics class, who keep shouting things out because they think they're really funny. Guess what? You're not. And soon, you'll be dead.
- Driver of that orange Civic that cut me off. Why'd you do it?
- Black Pontiac driver that kept braking for no reason. License plate ADsomethingsomething 3something7.
- Little 8 year-old in the back of the black Pontiac that gave me the finger as I passed it.
- Girl at the Math Aid Centre that said I was "as funny as a clown!" That's not funny, bitch. CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY.
- And as always, Joel Schumacher, George Clooney, and Chris O'Donnell.

...that is all. For this week, at least.

EDIT: Oh, and that guy in Statistics that has the same shirt as I do. Must take him out quickly, for I'm completely certain that I'm on his list for the same reason.

11/02/2003 09:52:00 PM | Comments (0)

Git cho DA-ance on! First with a...bizarre Pan video, and then with some insane poppin' and lockin' Futureshock. Fight da powa!

...huh? You feeling STONE? FEITEY!?!

11/01/2003 03:57:00 PM | Comments (0)