Blatantly ripped off by aLp, but I found it freakin' hi-larious. What can I say? I think I'm getting sick, and therefore in one of those moods (where I gain enjoyment from the suffering of others).

Addendum: This is kind of funny too.

5/27/2005 11:36:00 AM | Comments (0)

The last post I made was just an excuse to link to the YTMND Vader page.

Well, I have no similar pretensions with this here post.

Oh, and remember this? Science rules!

5/25/2005 11:28:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm just gonna say straight up, that 24 is better than anything that ever existed, ever. If I had a choice between winning a gazillion dollars, becoming the intergalactic hero of the first Space Wars, seeing the Blue Jays win the World Series for the next twenty years, AND sleeping with Jessica Alba...OR...watch 24...I would pick the gazillion intergalactic World Series choice. But I would feel really bad about it. ...that is, until I started sleeping with Jessica Alba. I think at that point, I wouldn't feel that bad anymore.

Here's some quick news links. I'll post some other stuff once I get home.

First off, just a little sports bit - Jess' best bud Gabe Gross got called up from the minor leagues yesterday. But the guy he's supposed to be fighting playing time for just hit two home runs. Still working on figuring out a suitable nickname for him...might have ask Big AL. Though he seems to be in a slump lately. I mean..."Kirk Shine-rich?" ...eeehhh...

And just one more sports bit - just scroll to the "Weird scene" headline. Ron Artest is all sorts of crazy.

Speaking of which, more craziness.

And finally...a dog that can smell cancer. ...that is insanity!

5/25/2005 05:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

So after the WAMBAG-sanctioned viewing of all six Star Wars movies in one day, I guess I have some thoughts to share:

I don't know exactly when I started liking Star Wars. I just remember that I watched the movies when I was very young, impressionable, and easily swayed by the bright flashes of blaster fire and swords of "pure energy". How could I say no?

I remember when I was in grade nine, I was really excited about Episode I. I collected all the paraphernalia - lightsaber pens, Star Wars pop cans (I still have them all, including that one American version of Palpatine I picked up on a trip, to complete my collection), a tattoo of Jake Lloyd on my ass. As they say, you make mistakes when you're young. But that's not even the embarrassing part. When I first saw The Phantom Menace, I actually thought it was a great movie. Gripping even. I couldn't breathe during that whole scene with the Darth Maul dual and an annoying toddler accidentally blowing up a Droid Battlestation. I didn't even mind Jar Jar.

Then Episode II came out. I loved it. Admittedly, the "romance" - if you could call it that - was laughable at best. Even to a cold, mecahnical bastard, such as myself, who will never truly understand the human concept of love. But Attack of the Clones was Star Wars porn. And it did what porn does best: crappy dialogue and plot leading up to an ultimate climax of unadulteredm, wanton lightsaber-on-lightsaber action. Yes, Yoda busting a move was ridiculous. But it was showcasing the side of Yoda that was hinted at when he lifted that X-Wing in Empire. At least that's what I told myself.

I usually have a pretty good bullshit detector for movies, as opposed to songs; I have to listen to them a few times before I decide whether I like them or not. Unfortunately, I've been off with the Star Wars movies. It's obvious that my childhood, like the childhood of the millions of others this weekend, has clouded my judgement slightly. Well, I'm glad to say that I'm finally free of the nostalgia. During the six movie marathon, I realized that:

- Episode I sucks.
- Episode II sucks.
- Episode III is slightly better than the last two. But this is akin to saying that being shat on by an elephant is slightly better than having the moon's gravity altered so that it hurtles towards the planet and crushes you (specifically). In other words, it sucks.

There are so many things wrong with the movie, including my personal pet peeve of the lack of dialogue during the lightsaber duals. I won't go into more details, but will provide you with this gem. I rest my case.

To contextualize my thoughts on the end of the "saga", I'll say that I was more engaged by watching original trilogy whilst playing an embarrassing number of games of Magic than I was in the theater watching Revenge of the Sith.

I guess the circle is complete. When I finished the original trilogy, I was but the fanboy. Now I am the skeptic.

So do me a favour: let's just forget the prequels ever happened, and enjoy our childhoods in their original form, ok?

P.S. My first reaction to Episode III was recorded here.

5/24/2005 11:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

I had a pretty good Saturday. And I have a feeling that I'll be having couple more before the summer's over.

It started with a wonderful girl with some wonderful weather - as all wonderful days do - hanging out at a barbeque with a bunch of minors. What does it mean when people are surprised to see you outdoors on such a sunny day, expecting instead that you were at a pre-release party for the new Magic expansion? At some point during the barbeque, I was asked "How do you like the new mechanics?" My response was somewhere along the lines of "Um...I like...tapping." Not a bad way to start off a day.

What can you say about a barbeque to make it post-worthy? Nothing much ever happens at a barbeque, which to me, might be one of the nicer things about barbeques. You just take a day off and chill for a bit, have a couple of carcinogenic wieners, match wits with primitive park animals, debate the finer points of popsicle consumption, chase after ice cream trucks, and just generally have a genuinely good time with people whose company you genuinely enjoy. And it wouldn't even matter if it was just one person, as long as there's that one.

But dinner at Jessie Grill & Pub ("Jessie's Grill & Pub?") with just Jess was a jollity. Some really strange things going on there. Our waiter for one, gave off really weird vibes - he was far too friendly. Like he would say "Sorry to bother you, but..." before asking if everything was okey doke, offered me the remote for the television "in case if [I] wanted to watch anything", and just seemed genuinely happy and appeared to enjoy his life, unlike any other restaurant employee I have ever met in my life. Jess and I concluded that the only reasonable explanation was that he was, in fact, hitting on me.

Odder still is the waitress, who seemed even more impossibly friendlier and happier. 'cept only to Jess. She giggled at everything single thing Jess said to her, and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they had quickly shared an open mouth kiss while I was watching the Atlanta-Boston game that I had switched to with the remote the waiter gave me. At the end she had even wrote down "THANKS FOR COMING!!!" on the bill with a happy face under it that she put down on the table and turned towards Jess just ever so subtly. Fucking whore.

So I left a big tip and I'm thinking of going back as soon as I can.

To complete the dinner-and-a-movie plan, we course needed a movie. And so we watched the best movie currently out in theatres - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. To those that doubt me and wish to argue on behalf of Episode III, I'm going to go ahead and cut you off by presenting an argument that will single-handedly destroy any supporting points you may have for Revenge of the Sith, unless you wish to nominate it based on Van Helsing Quotient.

"You are so beautiful."
"It's only because I'm so in love."
"No, it's because I'm so in love with you."
"So love has blinded you?"
"Love won't save you, Padme. Only my new powers can do that."

...wowzers. I need to watch Garden State again. Hitchhiker's Guide was actually really quite good though, so don't feel so bad that it beat out Star Wars for me.

I had a wonderful Saturday. It was like having my brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

Now if you will excuse me, I must worship The Psycho One by watching the two hour season finale of 24.

5/23/2005 06:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

Provoking Facts from Choking Yak

- I just got this picture through my work email - one of my bosses sent it to the entire department. I laughed out loud at it, which may have creeped out my cubicle neighbours. I liked the roller coaster panel the best.

- I'm scared of roller coasters. Especially the Ghoster Coaster. Nigga, it's made of wood!

- This is pretty scary too. But stay tuned for the next provoking fact...

- What did you saaay??? Think it looks photoshopped? So do I! But take particular notice to that Imagi logo in the corner.

- And then read this. I still don't know if it's for real, but I'm happy as long as Vanilla Ice is on the soundtrack. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja go! Ah man...good times.

- And speaking of good times...I don't know the proper onomatopoeia for a squeal of delight (is "squeal" itself an onomatopoeia?), but I'll give it a shot - "EEEEEEEIIIIIAAAAAHHHHGOBOOP...?" ...okay, I may have been a bit off on that one (I don't know if the "go boop" hurt or helped), but regardless, that is one damn fine material possession that I would like to possess. Fuck Peanuts. Fuck Charlie Brown. Fuck Jay-Z. C&H foh life.

- I believe the official order is as thus... Calvin & Hobbes > Peanuts > Sherman's Lagoon > everything else > a pile of canine feces > Family Circus. Oh, and of course with Big AL's favourite presiding over them all.

- Collateral Damage wasn't actually all that entertaining, now that I think about it. The lines aren't usable, and generally weren't that great, with the exception of this one...

"You're ghostin' us, motherfucker. I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?"

...oh wait...no, my mistake, that's Predator. And it's not even Ahnuld. Scratch that then.

- I've spent the last two hours waiting for someone to grant me read permissions on a server so I can do my work...and also going through the entire archives of Alien Loves Predator. It's not bad.

- Oh wait, I remember it now...

"So what's the difference between you and I?"
"The difference is...I'm only going to kill you."

Hahahaha...excellent stuff.

Ulp, gotta go.

5/18/2005 05:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

Some more news! I don't have much time here right now, so it's just two quick links.

First off, Arrested Development is coming back. There's a big season 2 spoiler in there though, so don't read it if you're not into spoilers (read: you are not a fag). All it says is that it's coming back for another season. And also that it's not looking good for Quintuplets. Poor Andy Richter. I was almost afraid that Arrested Development would be canned like Andy Richter Controls the Universe was and I would see Jason Batemen or someone start a new family sitcom as the exasperated dad who struggles to control but at the same time understand his crazy kids...just like Andy Richter did. Poor Andy Richter.

And lastly, too end with some class, here's a news story about a terrifying bat monster that rapes villagers in Tanzania. Sounds a lot like Batman to me.

By the way - June 15th!

5/16/2005 07:07:00 PM | Comments (0)

Here's what's been happening in the world this week.

- I started work on Monday. I do computer stuff. For two entire days I didn't have a computer. Amazingly, I've found that it's very hard to do computer stuff when you don't have a computer. Up to this point, I've done maybe two whole hours of work. Yet just showing up to do that little bit of work eats up my entire day. It's insanity. And yesterday when I came back from lunch, I found that they had made me a name tag and put it outside my cubicle. ...ah, fiddlesticks.

- Sad.

- DC's got a new logo. But whatever, the part that caught my eye was this. Frank Miller and Jim Lee on Batman? That's insanity. Why didn't anyone tell me? It sure didn't catch Marvel off-guard - here's a look at their response. Nice. Just plain fucking retarded.

- Speaking of just plain fucking retarded, here's another one. Why does Ghost Rider get a toy? He hasn't been in a comic for the last ten years. Marvel must have a movie in the works that they want to push. And check it out - Wolverine's jet plane has claws. Claws. WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AIRPLANE GOING TO DO WITH FUCKING CLAWS!?!

- Hold on...I just found some photos from the 2005 Toy Fare. I've officially changed my stance on these toys mid-post. I want the Captain America one, which I will henceforth refer to as "Americus Prime." And check out its vehicle form. It has helicopter blades, wings, and legs. ...I just...what...but...WHY!?!

- Man shot three times while cleaning gun. Someone's got to explain to me how you can shoot yourself THREE times while cleaning your gun. Like he shot himself, figured it was only a flesh wound, kept cleaning the gun, shot himself again, figured that he could probably hurry and finish cleaning the gun before he would bleed to death, shot himself for the third time, and then finally realized that this probably wasn't the best idea ever? My mind just isn't able to put the facts together correctly.

- And finally, some video of Gunstar Super Heroes has just come out. Apparently there's no two player mode, and you can't combine different types of weapons (ie. fire + lightning = LIGHT SABER DIE DIE MELON BREAD DIE JUMP KIIIIIIIICK). Very sad news. And the guy playing in the clip really sucks.

You stay classy, San Diego.

5/13/2005 11:05:00 AM | Comments (0)

Brain Candy broke my mind. I need the DVD now.

I just thought that this commercial was the craziest thing ever. Psycho President Palmer with Ozymandias assist? Goddamn.

5/08/2005 02:19:00 PM | Comments (0)

So my internet's been out the last couple of...I don't know...seems like months. My sense of time gets all wacked up without daily updates from ursineslutsfrommalaysia.org to start my days. You know how it is. I mean, there's not even a Choking Yak post on the front page any more - I don't think that's ever happened in the history of the site.

I thought I had a bunch of stuff to post up, but now that I actually can, I don't seem to remember any of them. I'll just start with some random Provoking Facts and see if I can wing the rest.

- My internet shortage made me miss on some sweet stuff. Confound it!

- These are just some pictures of some penguins going through a metal detector before boarding a plane. That in itself is not very entertaining, but I just loved the mental picture that popped into my head. Imagine along with me this scene - a shifty-eyed terrorist sits in the aisle seat, fidgeting with the latch of the carry-on case beside him and snacking on his complimentary bag of peanuts (warning: may contain peanut products). Glancing up, he sees that the seatbeat light has just turned off. It is time. Moving quickly, he flips open the latch, reaches in with his right hand, and takes out a confused baby penguin. And before the concealed Navy SEALs can react, he uses his left hand to reach inside the penguin and pull out its heart - containing the remote trigger for the nerve gas bomb he stashed inside the suitcase he checked-in. The plane is his.

- I think that out of all the movies I've watched on television, I've seen Executive Decision by far the most times. I think I've seen it like two dozen times over. The first couple times I watched it, it was like watching Street Fighter. It does have Steven Seagal, after all. But over time, I'm surprised to note that I've sincerely enjoyed this movie for what it is. I mean, when Kurt Russell somehow impossibly gets his foot stuck in some random crevice on the airplane while he struggles with the sleeper, I'm always a little surprised to realize that I've been holding my breath the whole time.

- Check this link - a real life T-Virus. Too bad it's fake. I mean, "Quan'sul?" They're not even trying any more these days.

- So I got on television again. I think this makes three. First in Grade 6 with that scrabble-but-with-numbers board game (any of you remember the actual name of the game?), then when I appeared as stock footage for university students walking around for the Chinese news, and now this! I was walking around on campus with Jess on Monday/Tuesday/don't remember and this creepy guy with no eyes from Toronto One ambushed us and starting asking questions regarding Pamela Anderson vs. KFC ("Pam Anderson Releases Explicit New Video" - LOL). As expected, I was my usual witty self, while Jess struggled to form coherent words and could only feebly grunt in some pathetic attempt to communicate. I ended up watching the news that night, because I'm vain and I wanted to see myself on television - I even taped it, perhaps to show to my daughter Spider-Man one day. Since I'm no video whiz like our friend Sheep is, I can't actually share the clip, but I'll fill you in the best I can. The segment is about how people on the streets don't really care about whatever Pamela Anderson says, and the guy had asked us which side we agreed with. And I managed to get like maybe two and a half seconds of air time - long enough to wildly gesture in the air for no apparent reason and say "I don't know, it's a tough choice, man!" And that was it. ...pretty sweet, eh!?! And of course - naturally - Jess didn't make the cut.

- I just realized that we also probably got on television when we went to Cereality. Remember that? They probably cut it all anyway. Should have interviewed Big AL and I - not you two losers.

- I just realized that we still haven't finished that Philly article yet. And by "finished" I of course mean "started." And by "still haven't" I of course mean "will never ever."

Hey, Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy is on Toronto One. I think it's time I watched it, right? Off I go!

5/06/2005 08:51:00 PM | Comments (0)

I wanted to see what Jack Bauer, the greatest screaming voice on TV today, would do at a coffee shop.

5/03/2005 09:14:00 PM | Comments (0)