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Choking Yak
So regarding the ongoing saga between
Conan and Colbert...here is the
second installment. Full of fun, I strongly encourage the clicking upon of that link.
"What are you wearing? What is that? What are those pants?"
"Can't a man wear acid washed jeans? Is that - "
"Why are you trying to look so casual?"
Choking Yak
So I got hooked on these five second movie videos on YouTube, and for someone that enjoys the process of distilling two hours of footage into like a minute long trailer as much as I do...well that should come as no surprise. This is the equivalent of intellectual junk food. They're all like 20 seconds in length so it doesn't feel like you're having too much, but once you pop you just can't stop. I've been scarfing these down all day at work. Here are
two good stashes, and I'm sure you can find a whole lot just by swinging around via the list of Related Videos.
It should be to no one's surprise that my favourite so far is
Commando, nor should the five second version of the movie itself be a surprise to anyone either. And yet...it's still so funny, which really is a testament to the original movie and preserves its spirit quite well.
Lost In Translation was a good one as well. Browse at your own leisure.
Anyway,
here's the important link - a compilation of all the Tracy Morgan scenes (including those that were justifiably cut) in the made for television movie
Totally Awesome. It's Wikipedia description sounds pretty atrocious (Another movie parody movie? ...uh, hurray!) so I'm not really motivated to watch it, but there's so many quotables in this completely insane video that it just cannot be ignored. I don't even think Tracy Morgan's acting on
30 Rock anymore - at this point, Tracy Jordan doesn't even really seem like a fictional character.
I spent all of last weekend saying nothing but lines from this video...if you're interested in holding conversation with me for the next month or so, I would deem this as required watching.
You ever broke a Puerto Rican dude's arm for sweatpants money?
Choking Yak
I made a version of this site for mobile browsers, which I have deemed
THE WAMBAG MOBILE. Once I come up with a funnier, stupider name, it's going right up.
Now here are some links to justify this post.
- How much time will need to pass until it's deemed socially appropriate to
leverage the untimely death of a big celebrity to clear the last couple copies of
Lords Of Dogtown from your Best Buy store inventory? You looking for an answer? Well I don't have one. I'm just a man, I don't know. I mean who can say? Only God knows.
- Here's another redubbing of
Downfall that re-imagines
Hitler as a Dallas Cowboys fan. I have never seen one of these that wasn't funny.
- Also,
Will Ferrell and
Tracy Morgan are huge assholes.
But I did get this leg blown off in VIET-nam!
Choking Yak
HOW IS BABBY FORMEd? There's brilliance in this that transcends my mortal understanding, and for that I give thanks.
Also, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news like this, but
actor Heath Ledger was found dead Tuesday of a possible drug overdose.
I've read other (legitimate) articles out there that were describing the lengths he took as a method actor to nail down the Joker, things that including keeping an in-character diary, staying in a hotel room by himself for long stretches of time...things that mess with your mind. Maybe a method actor trying to get inside the head of the most insane criminal psychopath in comic book history...I don't know, I just guess that might be a dangerous thing. What a bummer.
Why so serious?
FlamingSheep
A few days ago, I had to pick my schedule for when I work in the hospitals next year. The act was the first step to choosing my specialty, and hence sealing my fate forever. Naturally, I was mortified by the prospect, as I try not to think about the future... ever. That night, I had a dream that I was auditioning for a movie, and Seth Rogen and Christopher Mintz-Plasse were there. It was bizarre. And kind of gay.
What does it mean?I bring that up only to loosely tie it in to these Michael Cera-related links:
An interview with
Zach Galifianakis.
And I'm not sure if it's been posted yet, but here's a
classic Cera standup I saw a while back. It's as awkward and uncomfortable as you'd expect from the kid.
Big Al
Everybody's Working For The Weekend (Except Me, I Hope)The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
My dad wants me to start reading the business section of the newspaper so I have a better grasp of the field of work I'm getting into. Naturally, I'm reluctant, but I gave it a shot the other day. I read an article about how the six big Canadian banks are looking at a potentially hazardous 2007 due to projected losses on loans and mortgage problems and I read a caption about using a monkey's brainwaves to control a robot over the internet. I also read
Dilbert. This is going take time.
*****
Annoyances at work are few, but there is this one guy who sits behind me named Peter who is too loud to be ignored. He's this middle aged guy who feels like he has to interject himself into everyone else's conversations because, of course, he knows something about everything and by something I mean nothing. When some guys started discussing movies, he began to go on about how movies featuring snakes make "billions of dollars". He listed
Snakes On A Plane,
Anaconda (or as he called it, "Anacondas") and some other titles which may or may not have been real. He also loves
Shoot 'Em Up and
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, so we're clearly dealing with a scholar here.
Last week, Peter spent a whole day on the phone talking to his girlfriend trying to convince her to buy a DVD copier instead of an iPod Nano. Now I'm not saying that he was wrong, but she was clearly set on the iPod and he should have given it up. He was like, "If you get that copier you can watch all the Anacondas you want". A compelling argument, to be sure. What really bugs me is that he's so loud and repeats himself so often. One time, people kept asking him for help with stuff and all he kept saying was "I'm swamped." There was no variation. He never said "I'm busy" or "I can't right now" or "I have a lot of work to do", just the same phrase over and over again. He also calls everybody "brah" (a derivation of the more common "bro"), which was amusing for about 0.3 seconds.
He does deserve credit for this gem: Upon seeing what a co-worker was having for lunch, he randomly blurts out "I didn't know you liked sandwiches!" The co-worker's incredulous retort was priceless enough (after a moment of confusion he replied "I didn't know you liked breathing!") but even without that the line is classic enough. It literally came out of nowhere, during one of those lulls at work where all you hear is keyboard tapping and phones ringing. Then...I didn't know you liked sandwiches. That sums up everything you've ever needed to know about humanity, doesn't it?
My lunch routine has settled down nicely. I've decided to treat myself to a Baconator every Monday, so I can legitimately say that I look forward to Mondays. On the other days, I usually get some soup from the cafeteria. The soup is cheap, surprisingly filling and they give you all the croutons you want. Also, I can eat it while working without messing up my desk, meaning that I can spend most of my lunch in the "nap room". That's right, I said nap room. Officially, I believe it's a lounge, but the signs leading up the stairs specifically prohibit certain activities including:
- Eating
- Having conversations
- Reading the newspaper (?)
These rules exist for the explicit purpose of preserving employee nap time. I have a lot of complaints about working, but there's no doubt that RBC hasn't considered our needs. I was shocked that they would encourage sleeping on company property, but I've been happy to take advantage of it. The only problem is that the stress of being at work means that I have more nightmares than actual rest, so I might have to cut down on it.
Friday night was great. William, Derek, Paolo, Caesar and I went to Hoops to watch the Raptors game. I had two beers. I'm to understand that this is a typical Friday night for most people my age. The whole thing is strange for me because I don't like to value one day over another. To quote Cancer Boy, "Every day is a gift." While it is nice for me to finally appreciate a Friday like everyone else does, I'm not going to become one of those people counting the days until the weekend comes. I won't, I won't, I won't.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that on the subway ride home, we saw
this guy. I'm a huge fan of The Score, the best sports network in the world so when I noticed him on the subway I immediately started asking the other guys if they recognized him. William eventually confirmed that it was him, but I still couldn't muster up the courage to just walk up and say, "Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan of The Score." It was a combination of my not being sure that it was him and the fear that I wouldn't know what else to say if I actually spoke to him. I was afraid that it would turn into an episode of
The Chris Farley Show:
Hey, rem...remember when, uh, you...*heavy breathing*...remember when you were doing NBA highlights the other night?
Yeah.
That was awesome.As it turns out, we all got off at the same stop and as he was walking away, Caesar yelled out "Hey, Adnan!" Lo and behold, it was him and he turned around to acknowledge us. I ran up to him and said, "Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan of The Score" and for some reason I shook his hand, which I'm sure he promptly sanitized afterwards. Thankfully, I did not say anything like this:
Um, thanks for, um talking to me and shaking my hand and just...*nervous laughter*...being a good, sports...guy...(under breath) ***DAMMIT! STUPID! SO STUPID!One day, when I'm working with him, that will make for a hilarious and awkward story.
I come again with a bounty of links:
Indulge my love of professional wrestling for a moment and check out this
ridiculous ring entrance. Maybe, just maybe you'll understand why I love this business so much (or you'll be more disgusted than ever).
From
Attack Of The Show!,
a day in the life of the Baroness and Destro. Not the funniest thing ever, but there should be enough nerdy references to put a smile on your face.
Because I know Daniel can't get enough of his favourite show and I can't get enough of Crush, here's another
interview with her and Wolf.
A review of American Gladiators for the SNES. This guy's voice is killin' me! You should check out some of his other reviews too. It's amazing because he makes no effort to really make any jokes, he just cusses and complains and sounds so defeated. I know there are a lot of these video game review videos on Youtube, but give him a chance. Also, the guy sounds a little bit like
Mark Wahlberg with a slight lisp. So imagine a really depressed Mark Wahlberg doing reviews of old Nintendo games and let your conscience be free.
I also really enjoyed his review for
TaleSpin, which I mention because it's a perfect example of how beaten down he gets when a game sucks and it marks our second
DuckTales (apparently, it was originally supposed to be a spinoff but they decided to use characters from
The Jungle Book instead) related link within the last month or so. I don't think any other blog can match our DuckTales link rate.
I, uh, wish you could come into the office on Cobra Island today. I'm torturing prisoners.
Really? Who?
Uh...Shipwreck. Barbecue. And Matt.
Those are joke names, right?
Choking Yak
So apparently Conan and Colbert have what we refer to as
"beef" now.
The real loser is the writers' union, as this becomes some sort of unlimited cold fusion type source of material for both shows, as they roll along just great without needing to pay all those pesky writers.
The only thing is that without writers and a script to stick to as a guideline, Conan seems to be getting more and more insane everyday. Even the crazy beard alone is kind of frightening.
I just ate my mustache.
Choking Yak
Yesterday on the drive to work, it was very sunny in the morning, and the sun was blinding my eyes. So I took my sunglasses out and put those on instead so that the sun wouldn't blind me as much. But I keep my sunglasses in my car, and since it was so cold yesterday and the night before, the metal legs on the sunglasses were very cold as well. And when I put them on, and they touched the sides of my head, I found that they were indeed very cold, and I gasped out loud in surprise "Wow, that is cold!" when I put them on.
But then I turned on the heat, and after a while they weren't as cold any more.
This is my blog where I can type anything I want and people will still read it. I hope you enjoy your stay.
- Apparently
there exists an extended version of that crazy Coke commercial dubbed "The Happiness Factory" where they show all the computer generated zaniness that goes on inside the machine when you somehow inexplicably pay for a full, glass bottle of Coke for only a quarter. I guess the ad failed to mention that this actually took place back in the 1960's.
-
Here's a second installment of the commercial just for completion's sake.
- Some guy gave his AR-15 rifle a
Hello Kitty makeover, and I haven't decided yet whether this is really awesome or just really stupid. I welcome you to come to your own conclusions.
-
Here is a gallery of Stan Lee Tribute Artwork. I like Scott Campbell's set of Spider-Man watercolours and Jason Limon's Iron Man collage the best, but there's all sorts of fun stuff there.
-
Boom Goes The Dynamite is still the gold standard of sports casting train wrecks (Wayne Simien was on an All-American Team? Really?), but
You're Going Down Lauren is a welcome addition to the pantheon of failure.
It's going down like a hurricane.
Choking Yak
Let's get another post up here - why the heck not?
Injuries continue to plague
American Gladiators, with a second Power Ball related knee injury to a contestant. But not before Laila Ali managed to interview him and - while dropping the fact that his Florida home was lost in a hurricane - asking whether or not the $100,000 prize money would be helpful. Just fantastic. You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried. What's that? There's a writers' strike? NO!
Anyway, our third installment of
Insane Music Videos From East Asia comes from the lovely Jess, friend of The WAMBAG -
Fallin Angels by 2Girlz. Or
Fallen Angel by 2 Girls. I don't really know, because even their
MySpace page has conflicting information on it. Obviously they themselves are not really Asian, but they are apparently signed to a big Japanese record label, and are big stars on the club/trance scene over there. So criteria satisfied!
Of particular interest to me was the mention that their dad was former Los Angeles Dodger
Tom Niedenfuer, who did indeed contribute to the 1981 World Series winning Dodgers as a rookie, pitching 5.2 innings without an earned run throughout the 1981 postseason (although 6 hits and 2 walks in 5.2 innings isn't great for a middle reliever). I thought his
Wikipedia entry was pretty funny though, and I wouldn't doubt it if the Niedenfuer name was hated in Los Angeles among Dodgers fans.
Also, in case anyone was wondering about that Marvel vs. Capcom 2 video and what the "curleh mustache" lines refer to (I'm sure there are many of you, too numerous to count), it's in reference to the Pringles mascot, Julius Pringles (Wiki it up). And the fact that once the Magneto rushdown starts going, much like Pringles...once you pop, you just can't stop. So now if you ever heard a black guy refer to Magneto as the Pringles Man...well, now you know why.
No need to thank me.All in yo mouf!
Big Al
Grindin'The Mending Of The Gown - Sunset Rubdown
My second week of work begins tomorrow and I can say right now that the first week was not encouraging. I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning every day so my dad can drop me off at York Mills station. I used to go to
sleep at 5:30 in the morning. It has not been a smooth transition. I've been a zombie at work so far. Considering that I've just started, that's not a good sign.
All I've been doing so far is training and it has it's ups and downs. The good thing is that I'm usually given a task and then left alone to take care of it, which is good because I get nervous when I have someone looking over my shoulder all the time. The bad thing is that my trainer has done a good job of making me feel like a pest whenever I ask him a question. He's the classic answer a question with a question type of teacher. Like, I'll make a mistake and he'll be like, "Why did you do that?" Um, shouldn't you be telling me? He seems like a nice guy, but we're not exactly making any significant connections on the teacher-student level. The quality of the Markham District High School staff has skewed my perception forever.
The job, as far as I can tell, is some kind of trouble shooting where I look at programs that failed to run and write a few lines here and there to fix them up and then move on. At least I hope that's what it is, otherwise I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm having trouble getting into this whole idea of working at a bank. On the one hand, if I don't get it then I'm going to get kicked out before my training is even done, which will bring shame and dishonour to my house. On the other hand, if I do get it, it means I'm going to be stuck working at a bank until...who knows? They've got me looking at employee benefits and stuff and telling me about the gifts I'll get if I work there for two, five, ten, twenty years and it's scaring the hell out of me. The two year gift is some kind of ornate cube ornament. I'm getting that cube and I'm breaking out.
I know I should be more open minded about this, but sometimes a situation doesn't feel right from the get-go, you know? I'm sure things will get better.
*****
It doesn't look like I'll have time to post my full holiday thoughts, but I want to say that it was definitely the least depressing holiday I've experienced in a while. I got to spend time with everyone that I wanted to (except for Angel, but I'm going to find time to see her soon for sure), I made it through the annual UofT friends Christmas party without wanting to strangle anyone and we spent the first week of 2008 playing
Rock Band. I experienced the occasional moment of winter wistfulness, but even that was appreciated in a "It's nice to be walking around downtown by myself listening to
Long December and wishing that I was still capable of feeling" kind of way. All in all, 2007 was outstanding.
*****
Changing subjects completely, I want to remind everyone to watch the revamped
American Gladiators every Monday night at 8 PM! Not that it needs the publicity since it's been a surprising ratings hit, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get on this bandwagon while there's still time. It's just as cheesy as you remember, maybe even more so. There are a few problems, namely the MTV style camera work (lots of weird angles and WAY too many cuts that make the events nearly impossible to watch) and the horrible play by play commentary. The latter is a classic example of new-school sports commentating wherein the announcer feels compelled to explain everything. For example, someone will be climbing a rope ladder and the voice-over will be like, "Oh, he's trying to climb the rope ladder. He's moving vertically, grabbing that rope and pulling himself up in a climbing fashion. That ladder is made of rope!" I have fucking eyes!
Also, the Gladiators are actually kind of weak and too nice. Back in the earliest seasons of the original, it seemed impossible to beat the Gladiators in anything and they would act like arrogant pricks (or prickettes) too. Now, the challengers seem to have some degree of success at least 50% of the time and the Gladiators are way too gracious and humble. I want these guys to act like over the top cartoon characters. This isn't a real sport!
Sorry. That was a lot of negatives. They're always easier to write about. The matter of fact is that if you enjoyed the original or just feel like watching an old-fashioned, colourful, fast paced game show where people dress and speak in a ridiculous fashion, then please give American Gladiators a shot. I recommend these things for your own good.
Plus, there's a really hot Gladiator (Gladiatrice?) named
Crush. She's actually a mixed martial arts figher named Gina Carano. Here's
an interview she did a while ago. She comes off as extremely cute and endearing and not the slightest bit dykey or threatening. I'm even willing to ignore the fact that she's a woman who could easily wreck my ass, usually an instant deal breaker. Indeed, the possibility that she might choke the life out of me with a perfectly applied
kata hajime only makes her MORE attractive.
I've got more links than usual today, but don't worry, my posts are not going to become carbon copies of William's. This was just a particularly fruitful week of links:
Here's some
arcade trash talk that my brother sent me, which he himself got from Kotaku.com. Further evidence of two things:
1) The "Versus" series of fighting games are the best video games ever made and
2) Black people are and always will be funnier than everyone else.
Basketball stuff:
Congratulations on Dwight Howard's new baby boy. Even though he's a devout Christian and he's having this child out of wedlock, I'm not going to judge him and say that he's compromised his entire moral system because of careless behaviour. He's not the first Christian guy to have a kid like this and he won't be the last. It's how he takes care of this kid from now on that is important. That said,
jokes like this were inevitable and harmless.
Courtesy of NBADraft.net,
Russell Westbrook, 2009 NBA draft sleeper, "YouTubes" Jamal Boykin:
Lastly, some movie trailers:
I actually had to search through the archives to confirm this and I can't believe that noone made a post about this
new movie coming out with Scarlett Johansson AND Natalie Portman. I'm conflicted. For obvious reasons, I must watch it. It's also one of those heavy handed period pieces, which means that I must stay as far away from it as possible. Also, the Hulk is in it, which leaves me feeling strangely indifferent.
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!I know this post was kind of a downer, so I'll wrap this up by saying that my job is probably still better than
this guy's. They couldn't even give him a more comfortable stool?
Bento box from sushi king. The lesbian scene from Mulholland Drive. Time for gentleman's lunch!
Choking Yak
This will be the second installment of this week's spontaneous and investigative report on weird Asian music videos.
First up,
Spiderman, by DJ OZMA. It involves approximately fifty guys wearing nothing but masks and thongs, dancing in what I understand to be some sort of underground sex dungeon, while Spider-Man himself (in his pimp suit variant costume) gyrates on top of a car. And at the end, the world explodes. There is no conceivable number of no homo's that will ever no homo this - this is un-no-homoable.
Secondly, a cover of the
Dragon Ball theme song by the Japanese all-girl brass band
Tokyo Brass Style...which is actually pretty cool. Also, further evidence regarding the merits of starting your band name with the word "Tokyo" (ie. Tokyo Police Club, Tokyo Ghetto Pussy, Tokyo Rose), although in this case they're actually Japanese. For our next redesign, I might change the site name to Tokyo WAMBAG Style.
Something else I rather enjoyed was watching a diminutive Japanese girl fling that giant baritone saxophone around her neck like it was made of paper mache. I remember it was pretty tough to lift in high school (though I'm
still physically pretty comparable to a small Japanese girl even now), and also if you didn't liberally apply the spit value, there was a good chance things could get messy if you hoisted it up like that in her solo.
If you've never had your own condensed spit (warmed inside the neck piece of a baritone saxophone throughout a ten minute set) roll back up into your mouth...well...then you're just not playing hard enough.
I also found a nine minute and 58 second long music video on YouTube for
I Don't Wanna Die by the Japanese punk band Ging Nang Boyz...but in the interests of maintaining
some semblance of a standard for appropriate material, I'm not going to link to it from here. I've provided you with all the information you need to find it, so you can go find it yourself if you really feel up to it. But you'll only have yourself to blame if it doesn't turn out to be an enjoyable experience for you.
If you were into metal in the 80's, guess what? You're gay! Did you know that? You are gay. Those videos are gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.
Choking Yak
Had a rough week - couldn't get a lot of things done that I want to get done, felt tired all the time, and it was like everyday I came to work in the morning, I was working constantly throughout the entire day. I mean...honestly, who actually
works at work? That's messed up.
As I left for work yesterday morning, I opened the door to my garage, only to realize that I didn't close the garage door the previous night...so absolutely anyone off the street could have came in and stolen like...some hedge trimmers, a 50 pound bag of road salt, my old deflated basketball, or whatever was their heart's desire. That kinda summed up my week, right there.
I've had the entire sky fall on my head at work this week, so I'm still exhausted and didn't manage to get a lot of stuff up that I wanted to (including some work on Project Artemis, the details of which I will never full reveal here) but I did want to post this up first.
M.H.IS - From The SouthI love this, because when you realize that it's not supposed to be a joke, it somehow becomes even
more funny.
If you had to chart the gangsta level of this song in a bar graph, the bar would rise up so FAST and so HORD, that it would burst through the top of the graph, bust a cap in yo ass, travel back into time, fuck yo mom, and thus effectively sire you
from the past. THAT's how gangsta this shit be, homes.
Please enjoy responsibly.
"I'm in the deerty sous...'cause I'm from the sous."
"From the sous?"
"Yeah...from the sous."
Big Al
Great Music From 2007What You Know - T.I.
Like the Academy Awards, I've chosen one of the best songs from last year to introduce this year's winners. Now I want to clarify that this is not necessarily the best of the best because frankly, there's so much stuff I didn't get a chance to listen to.
LCD Soundsystem.
Radiohead. New stuff from
Lupe Fiasco and
Ghostface Killah. Now that I have money again, I've started catching up on this stuff but for now, you won't find them here. What I am giving you are 20 Great Songs From 2007 that I enjoyed and are guaranteed to make you look cool if you bring them up in conversation or throw them on a mix CD. Without further ado...
20. Emily Haines – Telethon (from What Is Free To A Good Home? EP)When the daylight’s like fluorescent lights
I’m going to take my time night by night.
I hang my hands over your eyes tonight.
When I heard that Emily Haines had a new EP and it was just more Knives Don’t Have Your Back, my first thought was “Sign me up!” Seriously, if you liked Knives, there’s no reason not to have at least downloaded this five song (plus one pointless remix) EP. Telethon is the best cut from this disc, with Haines musing about feeling the blues on a lonely New York (or Toronto, or L.A., or Vancouver…) night. I pine for her and her heroin chic style.
19. The National – Fake Empire (from Boxer)Tiptoe through our shiny city
With our diamond slippers on.
Do our gay ballet on ice,
Bluebirds on our shoulders.
We’re half-awake in a fake empire.
For some reason, Boxer and I just didn’t connect. That said, there are some profoundly beautiful moments on Boxer when everything comes together and this is one of them. It was a tough choice between this and Slow Show to represent The National, but I decided to stick with the opening track, which gets the album off to a mesmerizing start (I’m a sucker for Track 1s). In this case, the monotonous vocals are a boon, allowing the instruments to breathe and build on their own. I felt that there were too many moments on this CD where the singer and the band seemed to be performing two different songs, but that effect is used to perfection on Fake Empire, whether it was intentional or not.
18. Blonde Redhead – 23 (from 23)Twenty-three seconds
All things we love will die.
One of the most chilling opening lines I’ve ever heard to a song. When I first heard this song, it didn't register but eventually I couldn’t get it out of my head. Kazu Makino’s vocals are almost unintelligible under the shimmering feedback (what happens when a band self-produces for the first time apparently), which makes the whole experience all the more terrifying. By the time the “la la las” come in, the song already has you. I could definitely see this song being used in a car commercial one day; that is, if the car was made in Hell. Shirley probably said it best: When you listen to a song like this, you have to just let it wash over you. I’ll shut up now.
17. Frog Eyes – Reform The Countryside (from Tears Of The Valedictorian)She sings songs,
All hands they roll, they roll to the golden tide
And take that fool out of sight, but then you
Tell him that you got no babies, that he got no babies…
I’ll admit it right now: I’ll lap up anything that comes from Dan Boeckner or Spencer Krug. Yeah, you read that right! I haven’t even got a chance to listen to Spencer’s Sunset Rubdown stuff yet. No time to write blurb for this song that I can’t understand anyway. Must listen to more Krug…Okay, I will say that Tears is completely crazy and one of those CDs that let’s you know how far you’ve crossed past the indie line. After devouring this album I can barely see the mainstream side of things anymore. Most of this album, including Reform The Countryside, follows the popular indie formula of adding and adding and adding until you don’t even remember what the beginning of the song sounded like. Reform does it best, including one glorious sequence that sounds like someone breathing heavily into a mic that they may or may not realize is on.
Bonus: The winner of the “Why Bother?” award for being one of the few indie bands out there to actually provide a lyrics sheet (and a particularly well laid out one, at that) with the CD. Too bad they don’t make a lick of sense. I might as well be reading Chinese.
16. Feist – My Moon My Man (from The Reminder)Take it slow.
Take it easy on me
And shed some light,
Shed some light on me please.
In addition to track 1s I'm also a sucker for first singles, which hopefully will justify my picking this track over the absolutely gorgeous 1234. I also wanted to, ahem, “shed some light” on this song since it seems to have been forgotten in Feist’s post-iPod commercial explosion. I challenge you, I CHALLENGE YOU, to not move your hips or bob your head when this song comes on. A song that is as catchy as hell, but also has a nice, meaty texture thanks to strong production and Feist’s now-predictable-to-the-point-of-being-boring flawlessness.
15. Handsome Furs – Cannot Get Started (from Plague Park)Sometimes I can’t get started.
Back from nothing.
Sometimes I can’t get started.
Pretty much my personal anthem for the last six months. I’d been lying around having finished with school and having no job; worse, I wasn’t really looking for work. Everyday I’d wake up and just lie in my bed staring at my ceiling until I could build up enough momentum to roll to the floor. Songs like this appeal to me. It’s too mellow to be considered uplifting, but too funky to be nihilistic. Now that things are “starting” for me in a sense, I suppose I should distance myself from this song. I still have trouble getting out of bed sometimes.
14. Jarvis Cocker – Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time (from Jarvis)‘Cause the years fly by in an instant
And you wonder what he’s waiting for.
Oh, then some skinny bitch walks by in some hot pants
And he’s a-running out the door.
Originally written for Nancy Sinatra (I’ve yet to listen to that version unfortunately), I can’t imagine what this song would sound like without Jarvis Cocker’s British-ness. Some of you might remember Cocker as the lead singer of the UK band Pulp, known mostly for their hit single Common People (one of my favourite songs EVER). Here, Cocker muses on having to watch someone you want going out with some knob/douchebag/prick, while you can only stand idly by in self righteous solitude. A topic all guys can relate to. It’s straightforward, formulaic and absolutely fucking brilliant.
13. Pharoahe Monch – Let’s Go (from Desire)I spark tireless illumination,
Fire sixteen bars, wireless communication, let’s go!
Hip hop and I have grown distant. I don’t want to say it’s because the mainstream rap scene has become as whack as hell, but…the mainstream rap scene has become as whack as hell. It’s only fitting then that my favourite rap song of the year comes from a guy who is far removed from the mainstream ever since he lost a legal battle to Godzilla years ago (don’t ask). On most “club bangers”, the MC either keeps his rhymes simple and gets out of the way or struggles to keep up with the beat. When Pharoahe Monch is putting it down, it sounds like the beat is struggling to keep up with him. Pharoahe makes allusions to Daredevil, The Terminator and spends a whole verse comparing him and his rivals to different forms of telecommunication. Riiiiiight.
12. Stars – In Our Bedroom After The War (from In Our Bedroom After The War)Lift your head and look out the window.
Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go.
Listen, the birds sing.
Listen, the bells ring.
All the living are dead and the dead are all living.
The war is over and we are beginning.
I was reading the Pitchfork review of this album and they noted this song as one of the lowlights of Bedroom. They said it was theatrical, self-indulgent and cheesy. You know what? It is all those things and it works. The whole CD sounds like a musical hidden inside a concept album which, as you might expect, is hit or miss. This song is a hit. Torque’s vocals are as good as they’ve ever been and in this heartfelt chronicle of a couple trying to recover from an emotional shitstorm he just lets it rip with a surprising and utterly delightful lack of restraint.
11. Smashing Pumpkins – Tarantula (from Zeitgeist)We all are real, if real ever was it’s just because
We all are real and feel we’ve had enough.
I’m real ‘cause someone gave us sound.
Billy Corgan once said that he was the Michael Jordan of the music world. In response to why he stopped making albums like Siamese Dream and insisted on going to a more electronic sound on albums like Adore, he said that it was no challenge. If he wanted to, he could put the ball on the floor and take it to the rack anytime he wanted. After listening to Tarantula, I can safely say that this cat ain’t lyin’. Billy just put it on the deck, split two defenders and stuffed it on Pat Ewing’s head. Nice.
10. Arcade Fire – Intervention (from Neon Bible)Who’s gonna throw the very first stone?
Oh! Who’s gonna reset the bone?
There are so many good songs on Neon Bible that picking one almost seems criminal, but Intervention is as worthy a track as any to be considered one of the Arcade Fire’s best. Whether you want to read it as a condemnation of the war on Iraq or just another song about feeling helpless and fucked up, the Arcade Fire keep things rolling with a booming organ and a sweeping orchestral arrangement that leaves you gasping for air.
9. The White Stripes – Icky Thump (from Icky Thump)White Americans, what?
Nothing better to do?
Why don’t you kick yourselves out?
You’re an immigrant too.
Franz Ferdinand. The Strokes. The White Stripes. These are bands with lead men that roll out of bed in the morning with a crazy riff in their mind, eat their breakfast while coming up with lyrics and walk out the door ready to make a hit record. While Jack White insists on delving into every genre possible (I’m still waiting for that trance record, Jack), he remains at his best when he puts those fingers to the frets and works his magic. Also, when he plays the stylophone (and yes, I had to look that up). The White Stripes are always straddling that line between the mainstream and the bizarre. As long as they keep producing records like this, they can do whatever the hell they want.
8. The Twilight Sad – Talking With Fireworks/Here, It Never Snowed (from Fourteen Autumns And Fifteen Winters)And does your fear not grow when you see that you’re all mine?
See that you’re all mine with a knife in your chest?
I have a lot more to say about this band later, so I’ll keep this brief: The Twilight Sad are the best new band of the year and this is their best song.
7. The Shins – Phantom Limb (from Wincing The Night Away)So we just skirt the hallway sides,
A phantom and fly.
Follow the lines and wonder why
There’s no connection.
It was toss-up between this song, Australia (the catchiest song on the album) and Turn On Me (a song that means a lot to me personally), but when in doubt I go with the single. From what I’ve gathered from Songmeanings.net, this song is about two lesbians figuring out what to do with their lives in a remote town. Also, a “phantom limb” is what an amputee claims to experience after surgery. What do these things have to do with each other? I have no idea, but who cares about the meaning when the song itself is so awesome? Don’t think about it, just enjoy the “ooooooh oooh oooooohs”.
6. Rivers Cuomo – Pig (from ???)Mama would scold us if we got too rough.
She didn’t care, she was proud of us.
I ran around and talked to the animals,
Tellin’ them stories of savage cannibals.
Hands down, the funniest song of the year. Max raised a valid point that this song shouldn’t be eligible for 2007 consideration because as far as we know, this song could have been recorded ten years ago and not leaked until now. Since it wasn’t available for public consumption until now, I’m rendering it eligible. And no Max, this does not mean that you can put Jetplanes Of Abraham on your year-end list, no matter how good they are. Where was I? Oh yeah, Rivers Cuomo is a living, breathing god.
5. The New Pornographers – My Rights Versus Yours (from Challengers)Under your wheels, your hopeless reign.
We fall too far, we’re up too late.
We hang suspended from the heights
Until it’s safer to walk here.
When I heard the title for this song, I already knew it was going to be good. It’s actually difficult to explain why I like this song so much, especially when you consider the vast catalogue of hits that this band already has. The lyrics are good. As is common with a New Pornographers song, the lyrics are intentionally misleading or nonsensical, but I guess that’s what makes them so fun to interpret. For me, the singer sounds like someone who is resigned to the fact that this person they care about is never going to change and they decide to lay down the "truth in one free afternoon” and be done with it. I don’t know. Amidst the harsh feelings, there’s a wonderful softness to this song as well that makes it even more appealling.
4. Patrick Wolf – The Magic Position (from The Magic Position)So let the people talk
This Monday morning walk
Right past the fabulous mess we’re in.
Let it be said first that Patrick Wolf is a character of questionable sexuality, so let’s get all those “Ooh, what could the ‘magic position’ be?” jokes out of the way. I’m going to ruin it for you. It’s doggie style. This is an awesome song about being in love and not letting the rest of the world in on you’re little secret. The spiritual successor to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
3. Bloc Party – Song For Clay (Disappear Here) (from A Weekend In The City)Because East London is a vampire,
It sucks the joy right out of me.
How we long for corruption in these golden years.
A Weekend In The City is kind of, how do you say…ah, yes…shit. There’s so much...singing on it. Yuck. In fact, the CD starts with Kele Okereke breaking out some falsetto, which caused me to initially react with a WTFF (What The Fucking Fuck?). It was all downhill from there and I tossed the album aside, heartbroken. I actually was anticipating this album more than the new Arcade Fire because I felt that this band had a lot of growth left even after the brilliant Silent Alarm, while the Arcade Fire can’t be blamed if they never surpass Funeral (it’s just that damn good). Long story short, I gave the CD another listen and while it didn’t shine much brighter, the opening track certainly stood out. Drawing imagery and ideas from the novel Less Than Zero, Okereke sums up the lives of young British men out on the town with nothing to do but eat at fancy restaurants, do drugs and screw around. Bloc Party’s instrumental work is as crisp as ever, but it’s Okereke’s, er, unique phrasings that make this song so special to me. He makes syllables magically appear, kind of like Jean Claude Van Damme.
2. Battles – Tonto (from Mirrored)For anyone who underestimates the power of a good bass line, observe this masterpiece by New York “math rock” masters Battles. When it comes to instrumental music, I know less than nothing but that’s the beauty of this track: You don’t have to. It’s the same bass line for about seven minutes and the bands adds and removes elements in regular intervals. Crazy chanting! Guitar solo! Drum solo! Shit I can’t even identify! And underneath it all, a bass line stolen from the greatest Western movie that will never be made. It was actually quite an effort to write this blurb, because all I think about when I’m listening to this song is “Jesus Christ, this song is good!”
Bonus: This year’s winner of the illustrious “Makes Me Want To Fight A Nigga Or Two” award (split between I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor and Wolf Like Me last year).
1. Loney, Dear – I Am John (from Loney, Noir)I’ve got a feeling of you and we danced for so long,
I want your arms around me like lovers do
And I’m never gonna let you down, gon’ let you down, gon’ let you down…
One of the biggest steps I’ve taken towards indie-ness is when I realized that Peter Bjorn And John were my favourite Swedish rock band because it meant that I actually enjoyed more than one Swedish rock band. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me that and I would have kicked you in the face if you told me that one those groups would produce the best song of 2007. Well, that act is Loney, Dear and the song is I Am John and it is the best song of 2007. This is what pure happiness sounds like; that is, if you’re definition of happiness is escaping to the middle of nowhere with no regard for anything and the only guarantee you have is that you’re going to fuck up eventually and possibly lose everything you’ve worked for. Or something like that. A solo too long, a falsetto too high and a structure too repetitive add up to my favourite song of 2007 and one that will always stand as a marker of my musical maturity.
And now, allow me a moment to lament the albums I should have listened to in '06:
The Crane Wife by
The DecemberistsJetplanes Of Abraham by
Jetplanes Of AbrahamThe Greatest by
Cat PowerWriter's Block by
Peter Bjorn And John.
Lastly, seven albums you should have listened to in '07:
Eddie Vedder – Into The Wild (Original Soundtrack)When I was growing up, I wanted to sing like a lot of grunge acts (Nirvana, Soundgarden, etc.), but more than anyone else I wanted to sound like Eddie Vedder. I’d do the fake growl and everything. When the songs came on the radio, I’d sing along and I swear I sounded exactly like him. A few years ago he did a cover of The Beatles’ You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away and it just blew me away. Finally, he’s released a solo album, having been asked by Sean Penn himself to provide a soundtrack for his movie of the same name and it’s a good one. No bells and whistles, just Eddie strumming along and singing with that ache in his voice that hasn’t gone away after twenty years. Why wasn’t this CD a bigger hit?
Strawberry Jam – Animal Collective Indie cred indicator #49: Do you like Strawberry Jam?
Upon listening to this initially, it seems to fall under the much vaunted indie category of just fucking noise, but it’s so much more and so much less than that at the same time. It’s more, because there’s some wonderfully catchy melodies and hooks in there; less, because this CD isn’t some grand indie odyssey. Once you learn how to process this kind of music, it goes down nice and smooth. The vocals and compositions are kept fundamentally simple, which allows Animal Collective to throw in whatever loops they feel like experimenting with. If they stripped the tracks down to there bare instrumentals, they’d sound fine, but the layers and layers that are added on make the album essential listening.
Handsome Furs – Plague ParkThis album is so much fun to listen to that you can slap it on repeat and have listened to it ten times before you realize that you should get out of your room. I’ll never get tired of Dan Boeckner’s wailing, ever. I like to tell people that this band is like Wolf Parade meets The Postal Service.
Arcade Fire – Neon BibleThere was an article in the Toronto Star a few weeks ago that labeled the Arcade Fire as “overrated”. I so hate that word. The bottom line is that the Arcade Fire is one of the best live acts in the world today and Neon Bible is more than a worthy follow-up to Funeral. It’s thematically and instrumentally diverse and different from their debut album. The small songs are sweet and the big songs sound important while staying away from self-indulgence (or parody). Yes, their act and attitude remain highly theatrical, but the show is so good that people should just shut up and clap their hands.
Battles – MirroredBaby’s first instrumental CD! So good.
The Shins – Wincing The Night AwayEven though this is the first album of theirs that I’ve actually listened to, I will be forever grateful to The Shins for being one of the first indie bands that I really enjoyed. They were my gateway band and Zach Braff was my dealer. While I do plan to go back and listen to their other stuff, I’m in no hurry because I found Wincing to be such a complete, fulfilling experience. One of those albums that makes you want to kick yourself for just discovering what cool people have been listening to and enjoying for years (a feeling that I will no doubt experience again and again).
The Twilight Sad – Fourteen Autumns And Fifteen WintersThe best new band and the best album of 2007. Don’t let anyone else tell you different. In fact, this is one of the best albums of the last five years. I’d put it up there with Funeral, Silent Alarm, Apologies To The Queen Mary by Wolf Parade, Hell Hath No Fury by Clipse and Room On Fire by The Strokes (yes, that was gratuitous name dropping to make myself seem hip).
For some reason, most people can’t get past the lead singers Scottish accent because, as I’ve been told, it’s been ruined for them by characters like Groundskeeper Willie and Shrek. That is the single, dumbest reason I’ve ever heard for not liking an album, especially one as good as this one. I’m not saying that it’s an easy band to get into by any means. There’s tons of feedback on the CD, the titles are super-pretentious and the songs all take about thirty seconds to a minute before they get going; but if you get it, if you really get it, then what you’ll hear is a totally fresh, rewarding musical experience that you’ll be hooked on forever. With every pounding drum beat and every guitar crescendo and every stunning lyric, I was consumed. When I finished listening to it the first time, I just sat in my chair listening to myself breathe for a while. It felt good to be alive.
It’s been so hard to get people to like this band and it’s even harder for me to explain why I won’t give up on that. One day, when these guys are selling out arenas or performing at the Super Bowl halftime show, I will always remember that period in my life when I began listening to them. Even if that never happens (and part of me hopes it doesn’t), I won’t care because this album is mine, all mine and I don't give a damn if everyone else is missing out.
Whoo! Okay, that's it for now. Consider yourselves enlightened. I was hoping I could fit in some holiday thoughts, but I've written quite a bit already, haven't I? Maybe I can squeeze that post in between now and my inevitable "first week of work" post. I had a super break. I hope everyone had a fun holiday and I wish you all good luck in the coming year.
Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.
FlamingSheep
Celebrate the new year with Michael and George Michael via these ads for Juno:
Birds and the BeesWordplay AssociationMichael's LegsFun for All AgesWomen and Coats100% wool. I know everything that went into this coat.
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