WAMBAG.COM
Choking Yak
Tricks Are Something A Whore Does For Money
Just some links to keep up the illusion that this site is updated on a semi-regular basis.
- I don't know if this Blind Date episode is new for everyone here, but if I haven't seen it then it's new to me! This guy is just killing it from the start - I wish I was like that. This should be the strategy for every girl you go out with for the first time - imply that they're a stripper and then see what new directions that takes you. Oh Asian women...you so crazy.
- How come I have never heard of these MMA figurines until now? (Warning, obnoxiously loud generic rock rifts will play once you open that link.) And this company is based out of Markham!?! Apparently they are coming out with a new round of figures...currently I'm trying to figure out if the Chuck Liddell figurine one is funnier than the Rampage Jackson one. It's too close to call right now.
- I completely lost interest in the 2009 Blue Jays season almost like three months ago, but I found this call from last Sunday's win against the Seattle Mariners really interesting, courtesy of the Mariners' radio crew. That is indeed an absolutely fantastic call. This is the home run of interest, called by TSN's television crew - which was really quite sucky in comparison. I think it's the constant unprofessional giggling throughout both of the radio clips that really kills me.
You know what else kills me? Starting Clay Buchholz for my fantasy team yesterday and seeing Adam Lind - who is on my opponent's team - jack three home runs off him. Thanks a lot, Toronto Blue Jays, for stepping up when it counts; in late September when you're already like 20 games back and long eliminated from playoff contention. Honestly, if you're still starting Kevin Millar, sitting Snider against lefties, and not throwing Ruiz out there every chance you get...I am completely justified in rooting for my fantasty team over you. At least the International Player Haters have a legitimate chance of bringing home a championship this year.
- In an effort to combat a possible Swine Flu outbreak, the NBA has apparently passed down an anti-handshake directive. Instead, coaches and players are encouraged to interact via fist pounds and chest bumps. ...huh? I'm like 70% sure this is just made up...but why would you make this up?
- This poster raises the question of whether it would be more fun playing Left 4 Dead with the characters from House or watching them diagnosis a zombie outbreak on an episode of House. I bet it just turns out to be Lupus in the end. (If I don't watch the show, is making a House/Lupus joke like making a racist black joke if I'm not black myself? It feels like I'm overstepping a line here.)
- This is kind of creepy (and incredibly scary if you imagine them suddenly all turning on you), and yet I imagine it'd be so fun to do. The internet tells me that he is Turkish and soliciting votes for the upcoming election, in exchange for a house and car for each of them if he is successfully elected.
3-1 pitch on the way...SWUNG ON, AND BELTED DEEP TO LEFT FIELD!
Choking Yak
It's Hard Being Black And Gifted
If you ever want to peer deep into the heart of darkness and find out how white people really get down, go on a trip with them out of town to play in a softball tournament. There was a drunken parking lot barbeque that was broken up in a mad scramble after someone thought the cops were coming (the two black guys in the group BOOKED IT and I was all prepared to claim that I was just there delivering Chinese food), a 1:00 AM drive to the casino with seven blazed white people crammed into my clown car (one of them won almost $600 by betting on his jersey number in roulette...who wins that much playing ROULETTE!?!), enough second hand pot smoke to fly me to the moon like Alice Kramden, a white guy killed me in NHL 10 and a black guy killed me in Madden after I hustled everyone in Street Fighter 4. I seriously ran through the whole gauntlet of racial stereotypes this weekend in Niagara Falls; it was nothing if not educational.
And tons and tons of no-homo moments throughout that will remain unmentioned. All I'm going to say is that if you're looking to pick up chicks, there's better venues to do it than the SPN Provincials. (But if you're looking to get raped by big burly men that look like washed-up retired MMA fighters, then by all means, give it a shot.)
One notable story was when I was having a conversation with a friend and his newly pregnant girlfriend back at the hotel, which I was handling rather well - I was rolling with some jokes, a funny story about my at-bat in the last game that dominated the attention of the entire room, and just overall killing it and showing how cool of a dude I was. At some point they mentioned that they had just seen Finding Nemo and found it to be an excellent movie. I then immediately prepared to ask them if they've seen Up and then move to the always solid "Man, the room got really dusty in the first 15 minutes of that movie, didn't it?" line, which is always bankable for laughs. Only I couldn't get the fucking MISCARRIAGE bit out of my head, and I suddenly grew this horrible fear of bringing up this scene while talking to someone that was actually pregnant. I just shut down as all these different worst case social scenarios looped in my head, staring straight ahead with my mouth agape after they mentioned Finding Nemo, and just completely dropped a nuclear bomb of awkwardness into the entire room. Absolutely Hiroshimaed that conversation dead - it dropped to the ground like it had just taken a Mirko Cro Cop shin right to the temple.
Also, while I was watching a feature on the prospects of the upcoming Ottawa Senators season on TSN, the anchor lead into it by singing the theme for Lowered Expectations - a series of horribly unfunny skits from MADtv, for those of you that (thankfully) aren't familiar. Remember how the guys on The Score were peppering their segments with insane Lazy Sunday references only days after it had come out? This is like the complete opposite of that. By making decade old MADtv references on television, you are proclaiming to the entire world that you are (a) completely dated and (b) a huge dork. Good job TSN, way to stay connected with your douchebag viewership.
I also recognize the irony of making a Cro Cop reference and then calling someone else dated. I guess we'll just move onto the links portion of this post so I can get out of here quickly.
- In the spirit of Motivational Wolf, I bring you Philosoraptor.
- Natural Born Killer is the rather well written chronicle of a man who has decided to embark on a mission to kill every NPC in Fallout 3, good or evil. It's a pretty morbid and interesting read, especially if you've played the game, and also a great tribute to the depth and level of detail that Bethesda Softworks put into this open world setup.
- Another neat tribute to Fallout 3 game design is this replica of the AER9 laser rifle from the game. There's also a whole lot of other game props on that site as well, with all of their builds documented thoroughly in pictures - make sure to check out the epic Big Daddy from Bioshock build, and my personal favourite, the Portal gun.
- Sonic's back, in a new 2-D game codenamed Project Needlemouse, which makes me pretty happy considering the franchise should never have moved to 3-D in the first place. It wasn't a coincidence that all 3-D Sonic games sucked big time. "Project Needlemouse" is also probably the gayest codename of all time...or at least until Nintendo announces work on "Project Fat Italian Plumber." Although maybe I shouldn't be so quick to assume it's really Sonic.
- Finally, here is Nicholas Cage's head Photoshopped onto a Superman action figure and here is his head Photoshopped onto Andre the Giant's body. Good times.
Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted
Choking Yak
The Cretaceous Express
I would once again like to retract my previous statement - the whole Kanye thing once again became completely incapable of soliciting even a mild emotion of joy from me only moments after I had posted those links. The hilarity vanished with the same sudden speed with which it arrived with. Things move much quicker than they used to now in the Internet Age.
- New Zealand's fourth most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo dropped this interesting piece of news during a red carpet interview for the Emmys, saying that there were going to be three Flight of the Conchord songs in Rock Band. The problem with big deadpan guys like this is that you can never really tell if they're serious about anything...who knows whether or not that's actually true. However this does give you the opportunity now - even hypothetically - to speculate on what the three songs actually are. Also, that video does a great job of reminding you of how vapid, phony, and unfunny entertainment reporters are. LOOK I HAVE TWO MICS LOL LOL - man, go fuck yourself.
I wonder if the prospect of playing Business Time would entice me to go back to Rock Band?
...probably not.
- What great classic does this trailer for Soloman Kane remind you of? Get hype!
- This is the latest bit from a New York Times blog called Abstract City. I don't know if it's just this weird graphical flowchart thing I've been for the last while, but I find these pretty amusing.
There's also this bit about his kids' obsession with the New York subway system, which lends credence to the theory that all kids are either crazy about dinosaurs or trains. I think there's just something about the left-brained rigidness of the order and logic to trains that appeals to some kids, like how they follow set defined schedules and tracks that they never deviate from. They don't fly around like rockets and there's no sense of excitement or discovery with trains - wherever they go, people (Asian railroad workers) have already been there to build the tracks. Some carry coal...some carry wood. Some are blue...some are green. You know exactly where you stand with trains. They represent logic, order, and structure in the minds of children - these kids grow up to be accountants, lawyers, engineers, computer programmers.
This is in stark contrast to dinosaurs, which are considerably more right-brain leaning - no one knows exactly how many different sizes and shapes of dinosaurs there were, no one knows what happened to them, and it takes no small amount of imagination or suspension of disbelief to buy into them as much as some kids do. Some fly, some swim, some run around on two legs, some run around on four. Dinosaurs represent pure imagination in the minds of children - these kids grow up to be artists, hippies, useless liberal arts majors, and computer programmers that hate their jobs.
The thinking was that you were either one or the other, and never the two shall meet.
Or at least that was the world before Dinosaur Train. Part of me cannot help but admire the sheer ambition that drove this wacky idea. I mean in theory, if you somehow manage to make a show that appeals to the train loving demographic and the dinosaur loving demographic, you'll automatically have 100% of the kids aged three to eight demographic. However, the conservative side of me (the side of me that hates putting fruit in cereal, speeding on the highway, and wants Hollywood to stop turning 80's cartoon properties into movies) opposes this unholy union. Dinosaurs and trains must remain separate. Who knows how kids who grow up on a steady diet of trains and dinosaurs will turn out? Will they receive equal levels of intellectual stimulation in both hemispheres of their brain, and grow up to be humankind's next evolutionary step forward, the advanced supermen that will eventually inherit this world from us in blood soaked and semen stained battle? Or will the reverse happen and the next generation of children have their growth stunted by forcing too many conflicting and opposing concepts pushed on them at the same time, too much too quickly? What if man was only meant to grow up liking only one of dinosaurs or trains, and not both? God help us, this world will not survive another Yu-Gi-Oh generation.
- The ending and credits of Saving Private Ryan, as presented by Picnicface.
Can I please have a look at the lyrics?
This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Choking Yak
A Retraction
I was wrong, that Kanye stunt at the VMA's has given me endless joy since it became a certified internet meme. In addition to the fantastic Swayze bits (Ghost forever, son!) this hydrangea bit is absolutely killer. Pick your own favourite!
This is probably also the greatest new site idea I've seen this year.
Also, completely unrelated, but Glee is really funny. You should watch it.
I'm on TV talkin' like it's just you and me
FlamingSheep
Yesterday, a palliative care patient I had met for no more than 2 minutes was being really bitchy. I was trying my best to be polite and to grin and bear it, but at one point, she broke out into histrionics and asked, "Why aren't you treating me? Do you people want me to die?"
My brain snapped audibly.
I replied, "Well, that is sort of the definition of palliative care."
I'm probably going to hell.
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Everyone knows about the whole Kanye/Swift incident, but the other big ticket news item is the death of Patrick Swayze. Predictably, no lull was experienced before the Ghost jokes started popping up on the internet. But this is a work of art. Whoever made that picture is truly the Tarantino of the jpeg.
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I spent the most amazing night of call at the hospital last Sunday. I brought my laptop and watched District 9 and Up. Pixar keeps shitting out retarded concepts for movies, and then spinning that shit into gold. I hate them so much.
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Speaking of animation, here's a cool steampunk short film with a great visual aesthetic. Max can jump in and critique the negative space or something.
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And to cap the evening, here's the original star fucker James Tiberius Kirk's Guide to Kissing Women.
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As always, keep the pimp hand strong my friends.
Choking Yak
Sons Of Liberty
I was going to write up a silly bit about Kanye's stunt during last night's MTV Video Music Awards...but then I realized that I'm not a seventh grade school girl and I don't give a shit about music video award shows. So...there goes that. Honestly people, it's the MTV Video Music Awards - who gives a fuck about anyone that won anything? They are things absolutely devoid of meaning, not even worth the mental effort required to weigh their worth, like restraining orders or rec league co-ed softball championships.
THEY MEAN NOTHING
YES I AM STILL BITTER ABOUT SATURDAY HOW COULD YOU TELL
I am going to print out some of these awesome Motivational Wolf posters to get ready for next season. I will not be the Chris Webber of rec league co-ed softball. I WILL NOT!
- Chances are you've heard it by now, but after a failed attempt back in 2007, Jason David Frank (aka Tommy the Green Ranger) is officially getting into mixed martial arts. Look at those crazy tattoos! He even has one on his left forearm that reads "JESUS DIDN'T TAP" which is kind of psycho and kind of awesome too. He is apparently getting off to a great start by training with Melvin Guillard, one of the biggest bitchasses in the UFC, who has already done a stint in jail for cocaine possession and was also suspended and fined by the UFC for roiding up.
I bring this up because reportedly Patron WAMBAG Saint Jean Claude Van Damme is also stepping into the ring (hahaha, the photo) to kickbox a former Olympic gold medal boxer in K-1...so long as you don't go for the face. Holy shit, he might get murdered in there.
Fuck The Forbidden Kingdom - someone needs to step in and sign both of these guys to the same league and finally pit one 1990's childhood action idol against another for real. Van Damme versus the Green Ranger...you would be lying to me if you said you wouldn't pay money to watch this.
- In local news...here are some somewhat bizarre and pretty sleazy voicemails a woman got from a gentleman caller called Dimitri attempting to woo her...that were apparently so outlandish, she sent them to a radio show to be play on-air to everyone's amusement. Other websites have reported that Dimitri's real name is James Sears, a former doctor who was stripped of his medical license after he was convicted of sexually assaulting female patients. God willing, one day, our very own Flaming Sheep will have a similiar page out there dedicated to him.
The whole thing is hilarious...and yet depressing, in the same way all those "NIGERIAN PRINCES WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR PENIS WITH ASIAN HERBS" spam emails are hilariously depressing, because you know the only reason they still try wacky bits like that are because there are still some people out there who fall for it. This man is a total creep, and yet has and will land probably more crazy (and likely Asian) bitches with this routine than you or I will ever get combined.
- If you are looking for some real talk on romancing, check Wizdom of the Week with Ghostface Killah for all you smart dumb cats, whatever whatever whatever. There's a whole bunch of these on there, you can waste a whole hour just like that going through them.
- Is this the literal video version for one of my favourite songs of all time in Loser by Beck? Yes, yes it is! Three observations - one, this guy's flow is almost just as good as Beck's...which I don't think is saying much. Two, this was indeed a pretty fucking insane video - Wikipedia says this video was filmed on a budget of $300, but even that still seems way too much. Three...this is still a pretty awesome song. "Heeeeere's a shirtless dude..."
- Probably the craziest news story I've read this week, which has already been full of other crazy news stories - a double murder suspect has escaped a French prison by hiding in a cardboard box. And not only that...
Police admitted they had a tough task finding Treiber, a former forest warden, who knows the Othe woods 20 miles north of Auxerre like the back of his hand. "We're searching the places where he used to hunt," said a policeman.
Who is hunting who!?! Dude is like Solid Snake and John Rambo combined...
but French.
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
Choking Yak
Live Blog: Friday Afternoon Meeting
Instead of printing out this 49 page design document and committing an act of ecological terrorism, I'm just going to bring my laptop to the meeting room. Incidentially this will also allow me to live blog my 2:30 to 4:00 technical design document walkthrough meeting.
2:31 - Feeling good, meeting chair has brought Chunks Ahoy! Triple Chocolate cookies.
2:35 - Cookies too far from me, reaching for them would be an overly conspicuous move. All my attention has now been consumed by this box of cookies, I'm not paying attention to anything this guy is saying.
2:40 - Cookies have finally passed by close enough for me to sample...this is such a huge thrill. WHOA...I think these are cookies with normal chocolate chips, dark chocolate chips, and white chocolate chips, all together
2:41 - ...too much going on at once, I'm not digging these cookies. Man's reach has exceeded his grasp.
2:57 - I asked a question and opened my mouth for the first time this meeting. I hadn't spoken in like half an hour, which combined with the sugary phlegm left in my throat from the cookie, necessitated an unexpected and amateur throat clearing two words into my question. Disappointing. No more questions from me.
3:16 - Wow, I'm really feeling that pint I had during lunch now. Brain slowing down...must keep...writing...to stay...awake...
3:29 - No Friday afternoon meeting should ever last more than an hour, this is ridiculous.
3:33 - Someone from the business group has asked an overly complicated and irrelevant question over the conference bridge. I am grimacing internally, trying to avoid rolling my eyes in pure disdain. This is a walkthrough of a technical document...why are you asking business questions!?! This meeting has now passed into the point where anyone that does anything that I might possibly consider an unnecessary delay to the end of this meeting is now forever on my eternal enemies list.
3:38 - I almost have a heart attack as someone asks me an unexpected question, while I'm zoning out and daydreaming about softball...which I handle with a sublime, Baryshnikovian grace. If I had internet access in here or if YouTube wasn't blocked at work, I'd post up the spider-sense scene from the Spider-Man movie where he sees everything in slow motion...that's how good I am. The resulting adrenalin rush has also now allowed me to find my second wind - I will now be fully awake and wired for the remaining duration of this meeting.
3:40 - This is only one cookie left now. Everyone is afraid to take the last one so it just sits there in the middle of the table, taunting and daring everyone that looks at it. I bet Bill's going to take it.
3:45 - The same person asks yet another unnecessarily long question about nothing...I am staring at the speaker phone, trying to telepathically murder this woman through the phone line before they can finish.
3:47 - Last section of the document...WE ARE ON THE HOME STRETCH!!!
3:58 - People are gathering loose papers together and closing their notebooks...
3:59 - WEEKEND!!!
4:00 - Bill took the last cookie has he left the room, I FUCKING KNEW IT.
Mr. Christie, you make good cookies!
Choking Yak
Of Ghosts 'N Goblins
I found myself sitting in my car alone in an empty gas station last night, just after I had filled up my tank. Some random song from my CD player was on while I contemplated whether or not I should treat myself to an ice cream sandwich for the two minute drive home. Suddenly, I heard what could only be some sort of high pitched cackling coming from the track that was currently playing. Of course, being the level-headed rational person I am, I just chalked it up to some wacky background production effects that only temporarily sounded like creepy laughter.
But then I heard it again, and realized there was no way it was just random noise - someone had definitely embedded some sort of a strange maniacal laughing track in the background of this song. I chalked it up to to some wacky artist pretentiousness and dismissed it as such. But just to double check, I rewound the track a few seconds to make sure it was there again.
It was not. Was I just hearing things? But then it came again - a slightly different laugh, but the same high pitched cackling. This was not recorded in the song, this was definitely something that was happening that moment, in a location very close to where I was sitting in my car. Sheer terror seized my heart as I whirled around, trying to look for the source of the sound - expecting by now to see some sort of horrible ethereal presence come to life to haunt me.
Turns out it was the high pitched whine of a little R/C car that a kid was driving around in the parking lot of the strip mall next to the gas station.
I bought the ice cream sandwich.
- The best installment yet of Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis.
- Harrison Ford is an old fashioned family man, through and through.
- This month's top inexplicably funny arbitrary internet link...the Poortato.
- Also funny, but less arbitrary, more juvenile, and arguably just as inexplicable...Balls on Jeopardy.
I hope your dog dies.
Choking Yak
A Random September Post
Man, it was a lot easier to post when I could just throw any sort of crap I wanted up here and then be done with it all. Now I have to think of a fitting title to slap on all my crap first. I really have to tip my hats to you sirs, I never quite appreciated exactly how arduous of a process it was.
- This backpack strikes me as something I would have really, really wanted when I was younger. It is also something that I really, really want right now for myself at my current age. Think it's big enough to hold a laptop? Spidey and me, best pals, going to work!
Oh yeah and Disney bought Marvel so I think there might be an opportunity to make a Disney/Marvel backpack joke here...?
Whatever, I don't care.
- They say necessity is the mother of invention, but I just don't see it here. The foremost question in my mind after seeing "the greatest golf gift ever" - the UroClub - is...can you still use it as a normal club and hit balls with it? Can you imagine if they made like a softball or baseball version of this and you could actually swing it around? Would that be like the greatest thing ever...or the worse? Remember the NERF Liquator Bat? Same basic idea, except you just fill it up yourself. ("The Miken UroBat...harness the power of YOUR OWN URINE...") Also, was I really the only person that didn't initially think that it was like some sort of bizarre sex toy for people who wanted to fuck their golf clubs? Has the internet completely rotted my brain or has that inclination to think that everything is rooted in perversion always been there? Man, now this stupid thing has got me asking all sorts of questions to myself I don't feel comfortable answering.
- Animals...they are just like us! Female gorillas alternatively offer and then withhold sex from males as psychological ploys against other females, and these Chinese dogs shop for groceries just like real Chinese people - they cut each other in line, yell everything very loudly, and inform any surrounding offspring about all the ingenious ways to touch, squeeze, or knock produce to tell if it's fresh. Also, I hate them.
- There was a news report some time back about Al-Qaida attacking the ruling family of Saudi Arabia who are sympathetic towards repentant militants and terrorists, which I just got around to really reading through in detail. Remember how that dude who tried to smuggle a bomb in his shoe spooked all the airports and in turn made them force everyone to take off their shoes at security checkpoints? Well this article contains a pretty interesting bit...
In one version of the events, Al-Arabiya, a Saudi-owned television network, said the attacker concealed the explosives in his anus, allowing him to evade detection.
Let the terrorists win - I am not flying anywhere ever again. (Is Max back yet? Enjoy your flight, buddy.)
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Chicken-Fried Bacon, YES! Fantastic. Added bonus - 50 comments below this item, all saying "how can i get a copy of this recipe". Although my favourite might be the
Hot Beef Sundae...I think it's the little cherry tomato that just puts the whole thing over the top for me. Road trip to Nebraska? Book it!
- I can't wait to
get married. And now to end this post on a semi-related high note.
Who's that riding into the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad!
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!
Quick with the gun
But he loves his son
Killed his wife
Because she weighed a ton
Psycho Dad!
Choking Yak
John Cho Would Make A Great Ryu
It was pretty big news for me when the Monk was revealed as the fourth character for Diablo 3, since I've been starving for any scraps of Diablo 3 related news since it was announced in June 2008. On one hand, I'm ecstatic to get any Diablo 3 news at all, especially full gameplay videos instead of just cryptic concept art...but on the other hand, it's not even coming out in 2010. I'd almost rather wallow in ignorance, not agonizingly counting down the days until this game takes over and ruins my life. Honestly, who announces a game three years before it's released?
But am I just crazy, paranoid, and racist (yes, yes, and yes) or does the Monk just look like Pau Gasol at an Asian costume party? Using the same deductive skills that have led me to conclude that the featured Wizard character is an Asian female...I conclude that the Monk is clearly not Asian, even though his wardrobe clearly is. That beard is brown! And is the male wizard Asian? You tell me - he looks more like one of the random white douches you see at sleazy clubs. Once again, the prominence of the Asian female in popular culture comes at the cost of the Asian male, who continues to be criminally underrepresented. (Fuck you and your bullshit movie, M Night Shyamalamadingdong! Signs was a good one though.)
Fuck you, Blizzard! The Asian male population is your biggest demographic (mainly the South Korean StarCrafters and the Chinese WOW goldfarmers) and you can't throw us one damn bone? Our money paid for the development of this game! Unless the last character class is the Nerdy Asian Ranger, I want you to know that I will be supporting your business and buying this game and logging thousands of hours into it under protest because of your racial insensitivity. Imagine if the Witch Doctor was just another pasty white guy wearing a necklace made of vaginas and other miscellaneous tribal garb - would it still be so well received? So fuck you, Blizzard, and hurry up and make this fucking game already!
I will now angrily present the rest of this post's links.
- This is the magical Double Down Chicken "Sandwich" I've been hearing about, although I have been unable to find it in local KFC's so far. I bet biting into this monster is like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, "You are my most wondrous creation." Emu, if you find this in Columbus KFC's I'm going to ask you to FedEx me a few.
- When I run things, I'm going to make Pon De Floor by Major Lazer part of the standard curriculum for sexual education. I don't really know why, I just figure it'd make the world a more interesting place to live. The Oozinator will also be brought back and introduced at the elementary school level to help prepare and transition children into these crucial life lessons.
This product also resembles something related to sex. Hahaha! Although for some bizarre reason I cannot explain, this amateur parody seems even funnier to me.
- And...I don't know, I think I'm on a roll here, don't want to break the cipher. Penis Shark!
This post took a weird turn at the end there.
We're going to pull together, and we're going to find a way to get outta here! First, we're gonna seal off this pool -
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