I had my midyear performance review at work yesterday with my bosses. I freaked out, called them racial slurs and tried to take a swing at my manager.

Overall, I think I did pretty well.

- Caught this amusing piece of news today - Clay Guida was dropped from the UFC 2009 Undisputed game because of technical issues in rendering his hair...which actually seems understandable. What's funny though is that THQ actually offered him money to cut his hair in real life so that they could keep him in the game - which Guida turned down, which is again, pretty understandable since it's a big part of his marketability. But too bad for Guida, because I understand the game's pretty fun.

- This has been jumping around the internet lately and I assume you've seen it already, but I'm obligated to post it up here regardless. Cameron's house is on sale for a cool $2.3 million. That's pretty cool. And yes, I just used the word "cool" in two consecutive sentences. Now in case you were like me and immediately started wondering about the Bueller household...I got you covered. Ferris' house is actually 4160 Country Club Drive, located in Long Beach, California...which seems odd to me considering that the entire movie was filmed in and around Chicago (even Cameron's house above is like 40 minutes from Chicago). A quick search through the local real estate history shows that the house was last sold in 2002 for $594,000 (it's probably worth north of a million today) and is now probably the Shishim household instead. And now you know!

- Also, did you know that the movie spawned a television series in 1990? Apparently it was atrocious, got replaced by Blossom, and starred Jennifer Aniston as Ferris' sister. Super weird. And now you know!

- Here's a heart warmer; Father, 29, in child support court says he has 21 kids. And who knows how many more are going to come to light now that he's been featured on local television? Let's have a hand for all the women that knew about his ultra-potent seed and yet decided to do it with him unprotected anyway, most likely looking to grab some "free" child support money. Too bad they didn't realize that the state is only allowed to take 50% of his minimum wage paycheque for child support, and also that child support money comes with like...you know, A CHILD. I'm thinking he and the Soupolos family should hook up...not a bad way to make a buck.

- I think it's really unfortunate that Simona Halep feels like she needs surgery to help her play tennis better, because I believe that everyone should feel like they can excel in their field with whatever hand they've been dealt. I want to stress this message to all the young people out there - don't be so quick to be discouraged, because what you initially perceive as disadvantages may actually perhaps turn out to be advantages in the future. I wish the 17 year-old Miss Halep the best in her future endeavours.

- Toy Story 3 teaser trailer. Release date of June 18, 2010 - what is that, like ten years from now? I probably won't even be alive then, what's the point of releasing this so early?

In the computer room, little second drawer, where I keep my weed? Under the handgun, there's a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours.

5/28/2009 06:00:00 PM | Comments (0)

I woke up this morning with my mouth open, the center of a puddle of drool on my pillow. Which I swear is a somewhat infrequent occurrence, but still something we all have to deal with time to time, so don't you go and judge me. The worst is how all the moisture has drained out of your mouth, leaving it all barren, and you can actually feel the horrible dry texture of all the weird miscellaneous bumps on your tongue scraping against the roof of your mouth. I was so parched that I seriously gave thought to breaking open the novelty Love Meter thing on my desk and drinking whatever mystery liquid it held inside, but then I realized that I live in a house and that I am retarded.

So I went downstairs to get a drink...and as I poured water in the glass I was holding, it suddenly and unexpected transformed from one solid piece of material into two separate and distinct halves. The glass I was holding in my hand had magically transformed into just the top half of a glass, the bottom half became air, and the previously clean floor vanished and in its place appeared a mess of spilt water and broken shards of glass.

The bottom had literally dropped out. (Much like your 2009 Toronto Blue Jays, who have just finished blowing successive five run and two run leads in a Roy Halladay game for their ninth straight loss. Ah yeah!)

I'd like to say I reacted quickly and cleaned it up before it got too messy, or even that I reacted with a quick girlish scream of surprise or something...but the reality is that I don't think I noticed until like a good solid five second afterwards. If I were forced to choose a corresponding spirit animal to describe my reaction speed in the morning (kind of a weird and overly specific thing to be forced to do, but let's play it out anyway) I would have to say it's more sloth than mongoose. I think I just stood there for a while before eventually exclaiming "Oh no!" - all the while continuing to poor water onto the floor through the bottomless tube of glass I still held in my hand. I think you could actually hear the rusted gears in my brain creaking while struggling to turn.

I had absolutely no idea where I was going with this weird broken glass story. So I'm just going to put up a link next and then publish this sucker. Another quality post by Choking Yak!

From time to time, you run into hidden pockets of greatness on the internet, buried treasure on the world wide web that have paradoxically eluded your notice for some time. Rarely are these treasures as old or as good as this one.

TIME FOR SOME STORIES

This is just an archived thread back from 2005, where this random internet dude just tells these random short stories in all caps. I really can't put a more interesting description than that up here, so you'll just have to discover it on your own.

(EDIT: Here's a page that collects only the stories - it even has a few more than the thread, which ends at the lemonade stand story. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether this format's a better read or not.)

However, I would like to encourage you to read through these in an environment that is conducive to laughing out loud (ie. not at work) - some of these are really that funny.

Man, I hope no one here's seen this before.

STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE.

5/27/2009 05:43:00 PM | Comments (0)

Such silence

Chiu and I rented Left 4 Dead on the XBOX 360, and have been playing that non-stop. The amount of hours we have spent in that damned Mercy Hospital on expert is more than we would like to admit. And so far, we still haven't escaped the zombie horde.

The concept of zombies fascinate me. They were never just movie monsters, but something more. And their stories always shed light on some aspect of the human condition.

*****

Since starting work in the hospital, I have experienced all facets of life. The alpha and the omega, so to speak. I have since appreciated the fact that death is unsettling in more ways than that abstract notion I used to have, that binary state where one either is or is not. Perhaps it's the way a corpse can stare directly at you, pupils dilated, impressing on you a look of fear of the unknown. Or the cognitive disconnect of feeling a body that is still warm. Or maybe it's the way rigor mortis sets in, contracting the muscles in such a way that the jaw lies open, as if to allow one's soul to exit its corporeal confines and enter the next plane of existence.

Then again, when I walk into a room with a patient who has just expired, I sense a quiet dignity. There lies a man who has fought his illness tooth and nail, hanging on well beyond statistical predictions. And when he is backed into the proverbial corner and can fight no more, as he sees death start to overwhelm him from all angles, he lies back and accepts the invetiable.

*****

Zombies are such an elegant metaphor for death. Sooner or later they will take everyone you know. And then they will take you too. Simon Pegg is much more eloquent than I when it comes to the subject, so feel free to peruse his dissertation here.

*****

And on the the less serious side of things, I was wondering why no one has ever done a zombie movie set in a snowy setting. The imagery of helpless humans running through plains of foot-deep snow, pursued by ravenous legions of the undead. A splash of blood on the snow being the new bloody handprint on the wall. The creepiness of seeing your own breath in the cold. Then, I started to wonder if zombies could even "survive" the cold. I must admit that my zombie physiology is one of my weaker topics, but I can only assume it depends on which type. If it's the Romero-style zombies, then maybe. If it's the 28 Days Later not-really-dead type, that can starve when they don't get enough food, then maybe not.

Well, it looks like all my questions have been answered here. The Nazi business is just gravy.

Also, have you heard about how they are exterminating fire ants with fly parasites that core out the arthropod's brain and cause them to walk around aimlessly? When the parasite learns to adapt to a human host, the zombie apocalypse will be upon us. I'm calling it now.

Time to buy a baseball bat.

Another head hangs lowly
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence
Who are we mistaken?

5/21/2009 12:58:00 PM | Comments (0)

I have no idea why I wrote "50 centilitre" yesterday. I know that I originally meant to write "12 mL" because that's how big they actually are...but somehow "50 centilitere" came out instead. 50 cL (500 mL) is larger than a pop can, so it's really not that close at all.

Let's just move on and put all this nasty business behind us.

I couldn't shake the feeling that my life had became a Coke commercial this afternoon. I was taking quick stroll outside this afternoon to enjoy the wonderful weather, and while walking back to my desk, the sudden unavoidable urge to sip a nice cold refreshing Coca-Cola brand beverage seized me like a rabid dog and wouldn't let go. There's no vending machine on our floor, so with loonie in hand, I took the elevator down a level and checked the vending machine there. I arrived to see that they were sold out.

Oh well. Walked over to the other side of the floor to the other vending machine. Sold out.

Panic set in. I knew that there was another vending machine another level down, so I took the elevator down again, the whole time consumed with in hand-wrining, toe-tapping anxiety. I walked to where the vending machine's supposed to be...and it's gone. The entire machine. It's just not there any more. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!

So I went downstairs and bought it from the nice Korean convenience store.

Life is so much more gratifying when your expectations are low and your goals are so easily attainable, is it not? And while I waited in the lobby for another elevator that would take me back up to my office, contently sipping my cold can of Coke...of course...in walks a man with a can of Pepsi. We make quick eye contact...and for a moment, I think we almost throw down.

And then I realize that I'm not actually living in a Coke commercial and that I am retarded.

A few links I want to bring to your attention...

- Trailer for Sherlock Holmes, starring Robert Downey Jr, and directed by Guy Richie. Three elements, which individually, sound good...but when combined...raises some doubt. (If you'll hold on for a second, I am going to attempt to force an atrocious metaphor into this space.) I mean, I like whipped cream...I like chocolate syrup...I like Jessica Alba...but does that mean I'd enjoy sticking my dick in a fudge sundae while watching Honey? No, of course not. (Yes, of course, I would.) Anyway, the point is...I am probably going to watch this movie.

- The University of Florida has just published a new study that shows mockingbirds will attack humans if they've approached and threatened a mockingbird nest for five days in a row. Well that's good to know. I'm glad they're putting all that great grant money to use by paying people to shout at birds for a week, instead of the usual bullshit like cancer or AIDS or whatever.

- While walking up Yonge today, I noticed a banner outside of Zanzibar advertising a lunch special for $4.99 ($10 lap dance not included). There's no link here, I just want to figure out how I can walk into this place for the lunch special while avoiding the regular stereotypical associations of a guy that visits a strip club in the middle of a weekday. Because $4.99 for lunch is pretty good, especially for downtown. I mean yeah, pizza at The Big Slice is only $4.75 next door...but what if I don't want pizza?

I'll push in the place where you came out as a baby
Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy

5/20/2009 04:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

You know those 50 centilitre creamer cups of milk or cream that you put in your coffee? They have like this "peel open here" plastic tab on them, and I accidentally and unknowingly dropped one into my own cup of coffee. I finished drinking it all... and then I saw it there, stuck to the bottom of the cup and staring me right in the eye, inches from my face...and only then did I realize how close I had come to certain death. In an alternate reality, there exists a Choking Yak who was drinking coffee from a mug whose bottom this plastic tab had not stuck to, who had died while choking on that little plastic tab, lamenting the cruel brevity and agonizing mortality of human existance in his last moments on Earth 616.

I emerged from this experience blessed with something that few people ever get in this life - a second chance.

I'm feeling like I'm in the moment for the first time in my life.

...did I just jack that line from the Funny People trailer? ...perhaps.

With this newfound sentiment and renewed zest for life, I commit to the following...

- To eat as many delicious and unhealthy things as I can with absolutely no regard towards my current or future state of health, because fuck it, LIFE'S TOO DAMN SHORT. This includes starting each day with a box of 20 Timbits, a pint of beer, and an injection of hot icing sugar directly into my heart. I just had a near death experience, who are you to tell me how I can and cannot eat!?!

- To stop putting band and artist names in bold, because I am sick of that shit and I keep forgetting to be consistent with it.

- To build a sailboat from the ground up using nothing but my bare hands. And then I will set sail upon the Mediterranean and Baltic Seas time and time and again...until I have built enough houses to finally upgrade to hotels, then at which point I will sail towards the Park Place and Boardwalk Seas hopefully without going directly to jail.

- To have a fist fight with a white guy. That is weaker and less physically imposing than me.

Also he is crippled.

Or an infant.

- To revive my stalled hardcore rap career, but with family friendly lyrics and an overall poppier and bubblier sound. Kind of like Aqua meets Talib Kweli, with a lot of Billy Joel thrown in for melodic purposes. And then I'm going to go and win a freestyle battle on 106 & Park, because even magma don't flow with heat like this / Class ova 'fore it start, ya'll be dismissed / Zach Braff starred in a movie called The Last Kiss / It was okay, but just really depressing and also unrealistic how Rachel Bilson was all over him for absolutely no reason, but the soundtrack was good / Slap you up like Rihanna vs. Chris.

- To find and download a copy of The Da Vinci Code with subtitles in it so I can understand what's going on in the French scenes, just in case this movie doesn't actually suck as hard as it seemed to suck. And now you're telling me they filmed a sequel? God, I'd rather be dead. Seriously, an albino?

- To read Twilight, to see if you can enjoy bad books in the same way you can enjoy bad movies.

I have a new lease on life now, friends. Tomorrow's a new and wonderful day.

If you had two dogs attacking you
You’d want just one

5/19/2009 04:51:00 PM | Comments (0)

I thought this link would be relevant to all of us.

Have a good day.

5/17/2009 04:23:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm guessing that this will be taken down in under a day, so get it while it's hot - the latest Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL's Season Finale hosted by Will Ferrell.

Also, so that this post won't be completely meaningless when the first link is taken down, here's a three second clip of MacGyver knocking some guy out with what I can only describe as some sort of spinning hurricane double hammer fist.

I-I wanted a pickle.

5/17/2009 02:19:00 PM | Comments (0)

Check this post out from the baseball blog in the sports section of The Globe and Mail (the best baseball coverage in the city)...ha! And then check out the first (only?) comment! That's right, baby!
EDIT: Ah, what the hey!?! The comment was really just an excuse to get "Happy Birthday Rabid Emu!" enshrined into cyberspace forever on a site that wasn't our own...but it just wasn't meant to be - they edited that part out...among other things, including the bit where I called Robert McLeod a "dirty Mexican sand negro"...but I think that was largely unrelated. Now I'm just a big nitpicking baseball nerd. (Still, the link itself is pretty interesting, noting how the Blue Jays infield up the middle is the best in the AL.) Also, Duke Smith is an idiot.

Now I will just have to use this word mosaic generator to express myself. I was thinking about the skull shape, but I think these colours work better with a heart.



The first of us is now a quarter centennial man.

In other news, after four months, I am now back on pager rotation at work this week and already getting killed with the extra work it requires. The last guy handed it off to me and it started going off almost immediately. I'm not even really surprised at my luck with these things any more. Whatever, let's just throw up a few more links to round this out and then that'll be it.

- I'm not sure what amuses me more about this video - the crappiness of the game, his hopeless frustration, or the fact that I have a PS3 and can play MLB 09: The Show instead. Although any happiness I derive from this is balanced by the eternal sadness that EA Sports' MVP Baseball is no longer with us.

- Have you ever heard of Marla Olmstead - the child prodigy that paints abstract art? This has to be one of the biggest scams of our current delicate yet pretentious society...selling the shitty scribblings of a child for tens of thousands of dollars to asshat art connoisseurs. You know whenever you walk into a fine art museum and check out some of the abstract art pieces that the gallery bought for millions of dollars, and you wonder if you could just find some preschooler's finger paintings and get rich by passing them off as abstract art pieces too? Well someone's beat you to it.

Here's a 2004 article on this wonder child - it's an interesting read. This never would have happened back when I was a kid. If I ever walked in and distracted one of my parents from doing something, I would have gotten a slap in the head, a belt whipping, and an afternoon of the good old fashioned Chinese water torture. Instead, in today's world, this girl's parents appreciate and foster her artistic propensity and makes tens of thousands of dollars by selling her as a child prodigy. "Kandinskyesque!?!" Look at the paintings yourself, you tell me if there's any sensational talent behind them or if it all just looks exactly how you'd expect a child randomly throwing paint on a canvas would look. In a society where every child is special, you can get away with anything. This is also an effective reminder that you can really sell anything as long as you market it well enough. There will always be silly rich white people to buy your crap as long as you say it's art.

Imagine if you had one of these hanging in your living room and someone asked you about it. "Oh yeah, you like that piece? I bought it from a 4 year-old for $10,000." You'd be the biggest pompous faghat in history; I'd punch you straight in your Frasier Crane sounding mouth.

The paintings are given simple titles and signed 'Marla', sometimes with the 'r' reversed

OH HOW CUTE THE R IS BACKWARDS BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD AND CANNOT PROPERLY SPELL THE CHARACTER R

I am suffocating - drowning - in the idiocy of this world.

And so very jealous that I haven't figured out any get rich quick schemes yet of my own.

- Here's another example of how wacky the world is these days. The FDA is now claiming that Cheerios is a drug based on the manner in which General Mills markets it as a preventative for hypercholesterolemia or coronary heart disease (as part of a balanced breakfast). Just clearly a case where someone's got way too much taxpayer money and time on their hands. What's the public risk in allowing General Mills to continue advertising Cheerios as something that can prevent heart disease if you eat lots of it? That people will eat a lot of cereal with the mistaken impression that they won't have heart attacks any more? What are the benefits realized by forcing them to change their marketing angle? Eliminating the possibility that people will confuse a breakfast ceral as a heart disease drug? It has a cartoon bee on the box!

- Saw this trailer for a new Discovery Channel show called Weaponizers. It's been described as a cross between Junkyard Wars and RoboWars...and I think that's pretty apt. Guys have a week to turn a normal car into a remote controlled engine of destruction to blow up the other guy's engine of destruction...it's one of those ideas that make you wonder how nobody came up with it earlier. Great trailer too - quick cuts of explosions, machine guns, and more explosions. If this show had a stock, I'd invest my life savings into it and retire to a nice spot in the Caymen Islands after the first season. Or maybe just use the returns to pay off the debt I owe from that bad investment I made in 2007, when I thought Katharine McPhee's Love Story was going to take over the world. (Not even a single romantic comedy movie trailer? OH COME ON!)

- I don't really have any special interest in Punch-Out!!'s return on the Wii...I just think it's really funny that Clay Davis went from being a Maryland State Senator to training washed out boxers in a decrepit gym.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

5/13/2009 05:16:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oh yeah, The WAMBAG. Uh...let's just get back to work.

- Regarding the aforementioned overrated piece of trash...here's some set pictures of her dressed for her new role of a dirty Old West prostitute in the upcoming Jonah Hex movie. Look at her waist...I don't even think that's anatomically possible. She looks like a Rob Liefeld drawing come to life. Also, if anyone tells you that they're glad that they're "finally making a Jonah Hex movie" they are flat out lying, just like with The Spirit. No one's read an issue Jonah Hex in over 20 years. (I think he had a Vertigo mini-series a few years back that no one read and an appearance in a Justice League Unlimited episode, but those don't count.) Still, I'm glad they they're finally making a Jonah Hex movie.

- Speaking of remorseless gunslingers, Doc Halladay is fucking nails. I know he's not a strikeout artist per say, but just check out those absolutely filthy two seamers that he freezes Gary Matthews Jr with twice last night. What a man's man. Also, please check out this weird deadpan interview he has with The Score's Gerry Dee. I think this might be literally the first time I have seen him laugh or smile or show some positive, non-scowling emotion in any capacity. And it scares me how closely a cybernetic pitching machine like Roy Halladay can mimic and emulate actual human emotion. He actually seems human at some brief points throughout the video.

Also, because I'm talking about baseball here, I think I'm obligated to report that Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for failing a drug test. Apparently it wasn't from steroids though, it was just from some weird illegal sexual performance drug. And the weird thing is that I absolutely believe Manny in this regard. Anyway, Dodgers are already 6.5 games up in the horrible NL West so losing Manny doesn't hurt them too bad...and this 50 game break might even let him come back fresher for the stretch run and the playoffs, so this will still probably work out for them in the end.

- Do you happen to be looking for the music video of The Lonely Island's Like A Boss? (The only acceptable answer to that question is "Yes.")

- Fuck this Street Fighter 4 nonsense - I've accepted now that I'll never be good at conventional fighting games ever again, especially now that Marvel vs. Capcom 2's coming out again. This $15 PSN download will bring me more joy than that $70 disc ever will. I spent like 16 straight rounds trying to take two of three from the computer's Abel on Easy (versus Very Easy) with Bison...couldn't do it. Seriously, fuck this game, and fuck me for being so lame at it. I'm just going to train and get better just enough so that I can beat everyone I know, and then fuck it, I'm out.

- I've never been able to pick up SNK's King of Fighters either...that game just looks way too violent for me. (...is this the stupidest link I've posted so far this year? I know it's definitely up there.)

- I know Emu's and Sheep's birthdays are coming up this summer...and this tips my hand a bit, but what finer gift than a Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt? And please don't just take my word for it, just check out all the online reviews of this fine product.

- (...have I already posted this before? ...whatever.) Is it wrong that I enjoy this video as much as I do? Just way too many great bits in there to properly appreciate the first time through.

I represent capitalism gone amok. Deal with it, Regan!

5/07/2009 04:35:00 PM | Comments (0)