Stupid flash game - Double Wires. Very satisfying and addictive if you're looking for that right now. My high is 110.03 because I am sucky.

I bet this is how Spider-Man fells when he's high, tripping on acid, and playing Double Wires.

Whoa...he stole that guy's pizzas!

4/30/2007 11:32:00 PM | Comments (0)

How much time? Thirty? Thirty seconds? ...I'm on right now? ...I don't believe you.

- The winners of the PC Design Contest 2007. I like the "challenger" category one the best, although that keyboard layout looks impossible to use.

- Blizzard's coming out with a new game. StarCraft 2? World of StarCraft? Rumours are all over the internet, but apparently we gotta wait until May 19th for the official announcement. It's going to be hard to top StarCraft as one of the most perfectly crafted games of all time, especially since all the developers that worked on that game have left Blizzard. I am jumping right on that wagon if it's World of StarCraft though - you don't know how long I've dreamed of harvesting minerals in a SCV. ...there's no hidden inside sexual metaphor or anything in there either - I just really want to harvest those minerals and stuff. "SCV good to go, sir!" Regardless whatever game is announced (maybe that Ghost game is making a comeback?) it probably won't come out until like Spring 2017, as per standard Blizzard policy.

- Apparently, more than 25% of America's 2.4 million bee colonies have mysteriously vanished. It's "colony collapse disorder" where apparently the bees just fly out of the hive...and just never come back. Thing is, if bees went extinct, there's no one to pollinate the world's agricultural crops. In which case, the human race would essentially be screwed, since we kinda like...need crops to like, eat. This worries me far more than it amuses me (although the possibility that all the missing bees are migrating south to form some sort of genius-level sentient Super Hive under the Nevada desert would be very amusing) because no one's going to care about missing bees. Even though they're probably the most important non-human species to regards to our continued survival and iron fisted dominance over the planet next to alligators. 'cause ain't no point in sitting on top of the world if you ain't got some gators to do it in style.

- So that should chain nicely into the next item...boy is eaten after taunting crocodile in pen. Not the coolest way to go out. Although you have to wonder if a nine year-old could even be that ignorant of what crocodiles are and what role they fulfil in The Circle of Life (they eat things). I just remember being smart enough not to taunt the man-eating carnivores after sneaking into unsupervised Chinese zoos when I was nine years old. I bet he immediately regretted that decision. To that effect...I would not be surprised at all if this was some sort of elaborate setup. You think a shoddy Chinese zoo like that has video surveillance? Where was the zookeeper? I bet that kid's buddies turned on him and fucking fed him to the crocodiles. Then they all stick to the "oh, we're just stupid kids!" line, and no one would be the wiser. That's why I'm never going to a zoo with any of you guys.

I also liked how the Chinese rolled out a full team of snipers to take that croc out. And they didn't even really care which one - just the first one that went up for the pork. A huge thumbs down to those hippy losers that are lamenting the death of the animal and making light of the fact that this poor kid got chomped. Human beings gotta stick together! I mean, I don't want no beef with the crocodiles anymore than the rest of you, but it is how it is - they jump one of us, we gotta take one back. Ate one of our nine year-olds? Well guess what? Now this is happening.

Here's my absolute favourite bit though - "One of the irritated crocodiles bit Liu's clothes and dragged him into the water where he was eaten by a swarm of crocodiles." I know I speak for all of us when I say that I hope to read that in a Toronto newspaper someday.

- And the bizarre parallels continue...doctor dressed as Captain America accused of sexual assualt. Not much else to say about that one...just not a great time to be Captain America (nor the Red Skull!). First arrested, then killed, and now somehow Final Justiced for rape, post-mortem.

Here's my favourite bit for this one - "Authorities said Adamcik was in possession of a large burrito and drugs."

...what possible relevance does the burrito mention have aside from the fact that they're delicious, but filling?

And now for Biz Markie's Just A Friend.

You have a dirty whorish mouth, that's what you have.

4/28/2007 05:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

Rain Delay

Bandwitch - Broken Social Scene

* I have been exercising way too much lately. Between softball practice and the weekly basketball runs, it's almost like I think I'm athletic or something. That said, the weather is outstanding these days and I advise everyone to go out and have a decent jog. Or at least take your Magic cards down to the lake and play on the rocks. On Sunday, it was so warm and we were running around and fielding softballs and I was like, "Man, I could really use a slushie right now." So William and I went down to the convenience store near the park and got slushies. It was the most delicious thing ever.

Speaking of exercise, I really wanted to go to the park today. I just bought a new softball glove and I wanted to work some of the kinks out of my swing. Plus, I've had some frustrations to deal with. It is raining. Just my luck.

* Is there anything more agonizing than shaving and realizing afterwards that you missed one or two hairs? Probably.

* I finally got to see Jess' place yesterday. She is livin' large! Her building is still under construction, but she's cleaned up nicely. She also has one of those pecking bird toys. You know the one with the long metal pole and the small wooden bird? And you shake it and the bird starts to peck all the way down the pole. No, I couldn't find a picture. Anyway, playing with that thing is crazy addictive and I marvel at the fact that she gets any work done. She explained that she spends a lot of time at the Starbucks across the street. We chilled out there for a while and she put up with my complaints about God-knows-what like she always does.

I had lunch with Julius too, but that was a bit weird because he's trying to get me involved in some kind of pyramid scheme.

* Man, I can't believe Asia won The Search For The Next Doll! Does anyone else here watch this show? Anybody? Bueller?

* Okay, I give you links now. They're not all must see viewing so you might want to just skim them if you feel compelled to click on everything:

I love the music of TV On The Radio, so here are a couple of videos that use their best song, Wolf Like Me: A Final Fantasy one and one for a Doctor Who spin-off called Torchwood (WARNING: Gayness). Someone also remixed the 28 Weeks Later trailer. Even if you don't like the videos, it'll just give you an excuse to listen to Wolf Like Me over and over again.

In the same vein, here's a Cowboy Bebop video done to the tune of Imogen Heap's Hide And Seek. And no, it is not another parody of "Dear Sister/The Shooting". That's what these are:

Dear Persian. Funny comment: "ummm ok. Kind of the same as the dear sister but alright." So you got that, huh?

Clay Edition. I'm glad they recorded their own audio.

No guns. So obvious, yet still funny.

And finally, a WAMBAG tradition that William just pointed out, ending with a link that has nothing to do with nothing:

Pachelbel Rant!

There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Sparta from the histories. Every piece of Greek parchment shall be burned. Every Greek historian and every scribe shall have their eyes put out and their tongues cut from their mouths! Why, uttering the very name of Sparta or Leonidas will be punishable by death! The world will never know you existed at all.
The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many and before this battle was over that even a God-king can bleed.

4/26/2007 04:38:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm not particularly proud of my last post. When I was watching the news during the day and laughing at all the poor commuters stuck on the road, it seemed like a solid post topic. I mean I lead a pretty uneventful life, and I'm grasping for straws here. Normal people can write about their lives and funny things that happen to them...but I don't have a life, and 90% of the funny in my life is artificially manufactured from cycling through our (admittedly very large) rotation of Ferrellisms over and over again.

I got nothing!

So whenever I don't have a good YouTube video to post up, I'm busting my ass trying to scrouge up something, anything to throw up here. For Odin's sake, I just wrote like three hundred words about the contents of my wallet like five posts back. I'm fucking desperate!

...so desperate in fact...that I will now take you along on a ride, in a critical review of my last post, complete with director's commentary. Like I said - I'm not particularly proud of it, and I'll be pointing out the various flaws I've now been able to spot with a five hour night's sleep fueling me.


Probably one of the top ten lamest sentences I have ever put up here in my long and illustrious career as a blogger.


I may have been a little brief and dismissive there, since the "accident" actually involves a man being crushed to death and two others being sent to the emergency room. I hesitated there - I should have either mentioned that and shown the appropriate respect to both the injured victim of unlucky circumstances or his poor family...or I should have gone the other way and made a terrible joke of extremely poor taste (ie. "Some TTC dude lost big time in the ultimate high stakes game of real life Jenga.") There were only two options there, and I blinked and ended up in no man's land.


Or maybe just "for the investigation."


This is just an ugly stretch of writing here. Disjointed bits expressing factual events, and no real storytelling here at all. I'm looking it over again and it reads like an half-page essay a fourth grader wrote about his summer vacation. "We went to the beach. And the water was cold. I like the beach. And then we went home. I had a good summer vacation. I am a Beyblader. That is, one that Beyblades."

That's bush league, Yak. Real bush league.


Was this supposed to be funny? I don't even remember anymore, I just want to die.


All that text...and just two sentences. This paragraph looks more awkward than a 9th Grade AV kid at a school dance. (In case you're curious...no, I was not.) I mean..."like literally?" What the hell does that even mean?


I just used the word "like" in two straight sentences.


No idea why I unnecessarily linked to that news story there when I've already provided all the possible information you could get in the actual link description. A water main broke. On Lake Shore. That's it. I think I did it just to make sure that absolutely none of you would doubt me, because in the end, I am a pathologically compulsive liar, and lying about old water mains leaking onto Lake Shore is something I actually do quite often.


Oh ho! An exciting twist to the story! I am so clever and witty.


I'm actually quite proud of how this bit worked out, believe it or not. I think that Persian army reference was well used and well timed, since we were coming off two straight 300 mentions.

Some additional trivia - I think it was actually closer to three hundred people on the platform than the aforementioned two hundred. But when I whipped out the 300 reference here, I was afraid that it would unintentionally clash with a "three hundred people" figure, and so I went back and revised it. The truth is often the first thing that's sacrificed in the pursuit of a good story.

Too bad this isn't a good story though.


..."that's not my game"? No idea what I was going for there.


This was a great opening to actually segue into a bit about the whole "working from home" phenomenon I've continually encountered since working here.

But unfortunately, it appears I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, and now I have somewhat of a mess on my hands.

Apparently, people in cushy desk jobs whose responsibilities and workloads flucuate wildly from day to day (ie. myself) sometimes have the occasional option to just take care of their stuff at home and not even bother making the commute down. I guess the theory is sound, as more than the occasional work day is spent just answering emails and writing documentation - even the meetings have bridge numbers you can call into from somewhere offsite (ie. home).

Still...I didn't even know you could do that until I got here - I don't think the concept even existed in the places I worked at before if you weren't upper management. I wish I could have done that for university though - "schooled from home" ("learning from home?") - I could PayPal them a couple thousand dollars a semester, and in return I would receive an University of Toronto approved groin kick delivered to me online every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (and twice on Tuesdays and Thursdays).


The term "brown nose" is probably inappropriate here. I should have either gone with "eager beaver" or "suck off my manager".


I probably shouldn't have gone with the prior "University of Toronto approved groin kick" bit earlier, since now I've inadvertently put up two UofT jabs in the same post. Which is both unnecessary, and yes, admittedly somewhat unwarranted. It's not like I was complaining about Richmond Hill High School (a harrowing ordeal that has left me with mentally and emotionally issues I'm still dealing with even now, years since I've even stepped foot in it) - in which case no amount of condemnation will ever be unwarranted. UofT was the evil stepfather that regularly beat me with a wrench, but I managed to suck it up and run away from home. One jab per post is more than sufficient.

But Richmond Hill High School is the clown that raped me as a child, and that experience has left me with so many profound and disturbing issues that I will never be able to become a functioning member of normal human society ever again. And no amount of therapy or blog venting will ever wash it away, although I can do nothing else but keep trying. I like to sneak in a shoutout to the old alma mater every other post to keep the wound fresh - it's like picking at that mental scab every time the metaphorical blood clots congeal.

Too far? Okay, I apologize.


Some quick trivia regarding the making of this post...originally, I was going to go with "So instead of taking four hours to commute back home, I walked up fourteen steps to my room and blew through three new episodes of Entourage in the time it would have taken me to get home on a normal day."

However, I didn't want to really reveal such an intimate detail about my personal life as how many steps there are on my staircase, and so I opted for the simpler "laziness" line. But I've chosen to whip it out now just for the purposes of spicing up this director's commentary special feature.


I was going for a sudden switch of pacing here, and I think the flow it creates works well. The implication this line gives is that for some bizarre reason that is not immediately apparent, there is actually a designated and regular time to view an old Bill Murray SNL skit from 1993. Not only that, but it was apparently time now to do that very thing. Which is - obviously - such a strange and fantastical notion that the surprise and shock it may elicit in the reader would surely turn into amusement, upon which time my glowing wit would surely be appreciated for being able to create something out of pretty much nothing.

And I absolutely love how Bill Murray has this ridiculous ability to somehow convincingly act as an overactor. It's almost like sarcasm...but not quite fully right at that level yet. It's like just real enough to be unsarcastic, probably by mere percentage points, if there had indeed existed some sort of quantifiable scale to detect sarcasm. The statement may seem paradoxical at first...until you watch him absolutely nail lines like "Some men use a gun. Some a knife. Others just use a big rock. I use a whip." and passionately (but not actually) contest Phil Hartman's claim to his father's silver mine. Even that random appearance he had at the end of the game in Space Jam entertains me to no end.

The man is a genius, in on some sick joke that none of the rest of us know about.


I love this quote, but it suffers in this context, as it has no place in this post. That's not to say it has no relevance - in fact, it has relevance, but not enough - just enough to make its placement very awkward. Yes, Bill Murray's involved...but The Life Aquatic (or anything remotely aquatic or Esteban-eating-related) is not related to the post. Like before, I should have either gone the other way with a completely unrelated random quote, or done a better job finding one that was more relevant to the surrounding context.

Perhaps (keeping in mind the commuting/travel related topic of the original post) this would have been better suited...
"Do you know that you just charted us on a course through unprotected waters?"
"Yeah, we're taking the shortcut."
"But it's outside I.M.U. jurisdiction. There isn't any protection."
"I know, honey. Look at the map. We go your way...that's about four inches. We go my way...it's an inch and a half. You wanna pay for the extra gas?"

The worst part about it is that if I ever found a better post to end with the Esteban quote (ie. one of you is eaten by a giant Jaguar Shark), now I'd be repeating a quote because it's already up here. I've wasted one of my grenades/bombs/magics/big A-button attacks that I was saving for the boss, or at least the miniboss.

Thus you can see why I'm not particularly proud of this effort, and why it falls short of our usual creative standards. Just not particularly well crafted on any level - it's sloppy and lazy, and just showing up to collect my paycheque isn't good enough.

Especially since I don't get paycheques.

"Is it the Jaguar Shark?"
"On the record, yes. Cut. Print both takes, Vikram."
"Was I...just in the film?"
"Yeah. You're gonna have to sign a release."

4/25/2007 04:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

So there was certainly some crazy commute fun for everyone working downtown today.

Apparently there was an accident at 4:30 AM, which lead to the closure of the subway line between York Mills and Eglinton for the entire day to facilitate the investigation. For some reason, no one seemed to know what was going on, and the TTC had the great sense to not even put up a single sign or tell more than three employees what was going on. So when I got to the station this morning, everyone was going about their commute as normal. They didn't even announce anything on the ride down to York Mills - the train just got there, dumped people off, and sped back up. It was like a terrible prank.

In the meanwhile, I think they attempted to use a shuttle to carry people down to Eglinton, but there were like literally two hundred people on the subway platform just lining up on the platform that led to the stairs that led to the bus platform. I heard people were waiting like an hour and a half to even get on a bus.

Combined with that water main leak on Lake Shore this morning, and the crazy quick blitz thunderstorm with 95 kilometre per hour winds, the commute to and from work was absolute hell.

...that's what I'm guessing at least. I wouldn't know - I got to York Mills, saw the ridiculous Persian-army-sized crowd waiting for a shuttle, thought "Forget this!", and I just went back up. Took the laptop out, got my email on, worked from home.

I never did it before, but everyone else does it all the time - statistically more on Fridays for some inexplicable reason - but that's not my game. It's just one of those white collar job perks that I never really thought I would enjoy taking advantage of...I mean...work is work. I was never able to do any homework at home throughout university either. The whole idea is cheap, it's lazy, and I'm better than that.

Just not today. I mean, I really had no choice. I honestly thought about driving down since the subway was unavailable...but then I mean you can only brown nose so much, you know? Funny thing too, because once I got home and sent the notice out, I saw that apparently half my department and all my managers and essentially everyone who even knows I'm alive was working from home as well. If I showed up today...no one would even know. That'd almost be depressing, if that wasn't already essentially how I felt for the entirety of my stint at the good ol' University of Toronto.

So once again...laziness saves the day.

Now for Bill Murray as The Whip Master.

"Esteban was eaten!"
"Is he dead?"
"Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor before it dives too deep!"
"He was bitten?"
"Eaten!"
"He was swallowed whole?"
"No! CHEWED!"

4/24/2007 12:53:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is the trailer for 300 but recut with some unfamiliar scenes from a movie that I have never seen before, ever, in my entire life.

So retarded.

"I've had enough of you, Mantooth - this is going to end right here, right now. Let's dance, dickweed."
"You wanna dance, Ronny? I wanna polka."
"Come get a taste."

4/22/2007 11:15:00 PM | Comments (0)

Activities And Asides

I Am John - Loney, Dear

Recent events have been touched upon here and there, but I suppose it falls upon my shoulders to recap some of the more notable events of the last week. Before I begin, I just want to say that I'd never listened to anything by Imogen Heap before watching that SNL Digital Short and now I cannot stop listening to Hide And Seek. It haunts me and I feel like shooting someone (or being shot) and then looking around in a confused, yet dramatic fashion.

*****

On Saturday, I finally saw 300. Okay, that was awesome. I caught it on IMAX, but I've been watching a downloaded copy over and over again ever since and I get the feeling that there wasn't too much lost on the standard big screen. I love this movie. Love it. It's so simple and beautiful and violent and sexy and...geez, it's all been said, hasn't it? My favourite film of the year so far. Then again, I've only seen, like...five? Six? I'd write more, but I'm sure there'll be more than enough time to gush about it the next time we're all chilling out in our robes and loin cloths.

*****

I've been going on and on lately about all these great ideas I have for Will Ferrell movies like him playing a washed up domino master or him playing a washed-up Price Is Right game designer and I thought I was being so funny and clever. Then Max sent me this little gem and took a big shit in my cereal.

*****

Sunday was a loooong day boy, let me tell you. It woke up a lot earlier than usual (that's about nine in the morning for me, heh heh) so that I could make it to the Canadian Idol auditions. I had to wait for Angel so I sat around in front of Sears listening to hardcore hip-hop for about an hour, pumping myself up. I decided that I wouldn't listen to any pop music that day, especially the song that I was singing. When she finally showed up, we approached the Idol tent, which was surprisingly devoid of activity. There were maybe, eight or nine people there at 12:00. Apparently the big rush was in the morning and the day before. I realize now that it was best to show up early because the later you show up, the better you have to be to convince them that they should take you since they've given "golden tickets" to about a hundred people by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around. I began to make small talk with the others in my group (you're put into groups of five) as we waited in line and later when we were in the waiting room. There were two young girls, 16 and 17 who seemed pretty nervous. I tried to calm them by reminding them that they had a lot of time left to develop their voices and act and pursue other things, but it didn't seem to help. The other girl was about my age, a friend of Angel's. She seemed calm. The last guy looked a bit older than I was and said that this was the fourth time he was auditioning. He'd made it as far as the celebrity judges before, so he was a pro. Quiet, though.

The way the first tier of auditions works is you go into this really small room and stand in front of the producer and her assistant. They have duct tape on the floor to show you where to wait and where to stand when you sing. It was all low-key and relaxed. I didn't feel nervous, but my heart was beating with noticeably rapidity. The pro went first, singing Your Song by Elton John. Strong performance, which made me a bit more nervous. "I've made a huge mistake," I began to think. Next was Angel's friend, she sang Summertime by...uh, I don't remember. Not the Mungo Jerry song. She was good too. The 17-year girl went next singing Home by Michael Bublé. An unorthodox selection, but she had the voice for it. However, her nervousness was obvious. She went through a verse and chorus in about ten seconds. I went next, but I'll tell you about the girl who went last first. She did an Alicia Keys song, can't remember which one. She had a nice voice too, but she did way too much with the song. Lots of unnecessary vocal fluctations and she got a bit screechy at times. She's only 16 though, so there's tons of room for improvement.

How'd I do? Well...

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey hey hey

Yeah, I went with old reliable there. My honest opinion? I was good. I was damn good. I've never heard myself sing that well before. That said, noone in our group got picked. See what I was saying about showing up late for the party? She said that noone in the group had the "total package". In other words, we were as ugly as sin. In my case, I was probably like Zoolander to the star struck producer's Natalie Portman: He's almost TOO good looking. That would be my... my main deterrent to you know, considering him for Canadian Idol.

Angel's group went after mine and apparently she didn't make it because she didn't look comfortable singing without her guitar. Then why did you let people bring instruments this year? Ugh. She's a great singer.

The whole experience was fun and quick. We didn't have to wait in line and the Idol people were all polite and helpful. Really, there isn't much to say about it. I enjoyed it and I haven't ruled out doing again next year. We'll see. Afterwards, Angel and I were emotionally exhausted (or maybe I just wasn't used to waking up before 2:00) so we went back to her place and I crashed there until about 5:30.

*****

Have you ever got the feeling that earwigs are crawling all over your body? No? How about now?

*****

After I peeled myself off of Angel's couch, I had to head down to the Distillery District to attend Miranda's York Graduation Design Show. That's not the official title, but you get the idea. It was about an hour walk from Angel's place, which I enjoyed thoroughly. If you've never been to the Distillery District (I hadn't before) it looks like a setting for a 1930s mobster movie. It's all red brick and throwback architecture. I'm not qualified to properly describe it, so maybe we could all go down there one day and chill out. It's got a great ambience. I wandered around there for a bit until I finally found the place. It took me some time to find Miranda's work and when I did, she apparently didn't notice I was there so I gave her a quick tap on the shoulder and a hug. She looked fantastic. Her work was incredible as well. Max has pictures on his, *ahem* Facebook page and I highly recommend that you give them a quick peek if you have the time. Those York design kids are some (pardon my French) gifted muthafuckas.

There was also a random celebrity sighting. Amanda Bynes was there. If your first response was "who?" then you understand how un-excited I was at this occurrence. I was talking to Miranda and her boyfriend, Jon, and she goes, "Alex, don't look behind you, but that blonde girl over there is Amanda Bynes." I immediately whip around to look. "What the the hell are you talking about, that's not Ama..." Squint. "Wow, cool, it's Amanda Bynes." That was about it. It turns out she's dating a guy who goes to York. Max and I later considered getting a picture with her, but then we realized that it would be too much trouble and even though Max thinks she's really hot, I didn't particularly care for her. A lot of those York girls were fine as hell.

Ms. Bynes' presence did add to the ritziness of the event though. There were a lot of classy looking people standing around and appreciating the art and they were serving wine and cheese. For a minute there, it was nice to feel like I was part of that high life. Of course, any glow basking was quickly defused by Annia and Jess telling me to move out of the way so that they could take pictures of things.

The night began to drag a little. I can only look at so many different typefaces and symbolic anti-Bush displays before I begin to grow weary. I was talking to Jon about when it was going to be over. He said that he might have to stay around to help Miranda clean up. I felt for him. At one point, he and his friend were just sitting on some steps for, like, half an hour. Still, I'm sure we would all agree that it was a cool experience. I remain in awe at the work of these young lions. Go look at the pictures, please.

*****

After the show, I went to stay over at Max's house and we played way too much XBox 360. There were a couple of decent runs of pick-up basketball on Monday and Tuesday night. I also watched him teach some kids how to draw perspective. If that description sounds scattered, understand that I spent about 70+ hours hanging out with Max from Sunday to Tuesday. There is no punchline.

*****

Rather than have a day to relax, I decided to have Annia over on Wednesday night. She wanted to catch-up on Idol stuff that she missed the day before because she was out with some guy named Drew at the opera. Excuse me for a moment.

*****

To paraphrase John Cusack in High Fidelity: WHAT FUCKING DREW GUY?!?

*****

Okay, I'm back. We sat around and watched Idol and it was a fun time for all. Whoa, I just realized that there is nothing interesting to be said about Wednesday night. It was fine.

I've been a bit chippy lately, partially because I haven't had enough "me" time since finishing school and partially because I'm suffering from school withdrawal. There is something about being kept on a set schedule that keeps me sane, keeps my thoughts in order you know? I'm restless. I did take a day off today though, just chilling out and cleaning up my room and listening to Swedish indy music.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go for a walk.

*****

No man, Persian or Greek, no man threatens a messenger.
You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps! You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same.
This is blasphemy. This is madness!
Madness. This...is...SPARTA!

4/19/2007 09:50:00 PM | Comments (0)

Crawling out of my current self-inflicted vegetative coma-like state of apathy and lethargy to prevent four straight Big AL posts required a Herculean effort from me, the scope of which I doubt anyone will ever fully understand or grasp. I equate a four straight post streak from AL to prison rape. It's unpleasant, invasive, demeaning, violent...and yet...strangely arousing all at the same time. And sure, maybe it happened one or twice in the past, but the details are hazy and you don't really want to remember or acknowledge the possibility that it perhaps had indeed happened. And one way or another, you'll be dead before it'll ever happen again.

With that said, it's time yet again for a ridiculously named segment I like to call...Choking Yak's Provoking Facts.

- First off, let me just address the Eres Tu video controversy. That clip was posted to YouTube March 29th. My post was posted March 28th. If it was there when I looked for it, I would have found it. I am nothing if no completely comprehensive in my linkages. Please, I deserve more credit that that. What's that? ...is this an excuse to just post that video again? Maybe. Maybe not.

- I've been e-stalking this dude who not only has the same name as me, but also the sheer audacity to actually buy the domain name, like it belonged to him or something. I don't feel right about it, because I don't feel his site is representative of all the Choking Yak's in the world - specifically, me. Like if someone knew me personally and wanted to check out a website to get technical specifications, FAQ's, or warranty information or something - nothing about that site would accurately reflect anything about any other Choking Yak's in the world. I mean this guy's married, has a kid and is expecting another in July, and is friends with a 40 year-old black man. And he lives in England or something. I mean, that is way off base of everything I do and represent in my life. That's like hosting a hate literature website advocating violence against infants and/or Mexicans, and registering it under like MandyMoore.com or something. That's not right!

Though what's really weird is that my wholesome doppelganger works at a company that specializes in VoIP Telephony Solutions...which oddly enough...is pretty much exactly what I do. I'm no statistician, but I'd statistize that the chances of that ain't so big. It's not like we're both "farmers" or even "computer programmers." No, we both specifically work within the field of Voice over Internet Protocol technology, and specifically it's application in regards to Telephony Solutions. It just had to be noted in particular.

This is all some sort of sick game I have no intention of playing. That'll teach me to stalk random internet strangers. (...actually, no, it probably won't.)

- Quickly, before NBC shoots it down - another SNL Digital Short, Dear Sister. Just awesomely retarded. My favourite bit about the short is probably Fred Armisen's expression at the end. Though my favourite bit about the whole thing in general is how the video description on the YouTube page explicitly states in capital letters "SONG NAME IS HIDE AND SEEK BY IMOGEN!!!" and yet 95% of all the comments are along the lines of "what is the name of that song" or "who sings that song" or "what is the name of that song and who sings it" questions. As usual, the YouTube comments are almost as funny as the actual video.

- I hate the vending machine at work. It's the printer in my personal Office Space. I want to dig into that bastard so viciously that I have to be dragged off of it.

- I know, I know. We've all felt it. The Gay Quotient of this site has been dangerously low. So allow me to pump *clap clap* it up!

...also, Fagats gay orgy with M. Bison - straight up, the most retarded thing I have ever posted in the four year history of this site. Maybe you think I'm joking or you don't quite believe me because you think I don't quite understand just how stupid some of the things I've posted before are...but just watch it and you will have no choice but to agree.

- And finally, the big fat juicy link that could have easily supported the weight of its own post...Adam McKay and Will Ferrell (but mostly Ferrell) in The Landlord. It's so stupid and so simple that it almost brings me to tears.

I'm not - I'm not doing so good, Pearl.

4/16/2007 10:49:00 PM | Comments (0)

Maybe If I Knew More Jokes

Phantom Limb - The Shins

I should not be writing in the state that I am currently in. I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm not feeling too good about myself...and yet I must.

Tonight was the New College/University College grad formal. It's official title was "Thirst" (there was an open bar) and the event was supported by nice posters and cards that promised there would be a "proud celebration of achievements" (as opposed to what? An ashamed celebration? A disappointed celebration?). The event itself was fine. Julius was the head organizer, so he was nice enough to let me sit at his table and to bring along a couple of guests, Annia and Wendy. Everything was fine. The DJ was good, Annia and Wendy seemed to enjoy all the free food and I even found time to schmooze but at the end of the night...

I don't want to make a whole thing out of this and it was late and I understand she was tired, but I pretty much got the silent treatment for the last couple of hours on the way home. Yes, we'd been hanging out all day. Yes, I screwed up the timing of our leaving so that we ended up having to wait for my brother to pick us up from Kennedy for about 45 minutes. Yes, I was being overly simplistic when discussing certain issues of her life. But still, I wish she would at least tell me to "shut up" or something. Anything. As it is, I spend a lot of time agonizing over what is going on in her head. Is it me? Is it something else? Should I care? Does she want me to care?

Anyone who reads my posts knows that I love spending time with Annia. I think she's spectacular. But everytime we have a day like this, where she seems so inexplicably distant, well I just feel like the fucking asshole, you know? Especially considering that I am well aware that I am often her last resort when it comes to choice of company. I love her to death, but when I sense that she's not having a good time I just feel useless. Maybe she'd be better off not wasting her time with someone like me.

*****

On a more positive note, after we dropped Annia off my brother decided he was hungry so we stopped off at Markham Station, a 24 hour diner. It was a real cool moment. I didn't particularly enjoy the food at the formal, so I chilled out with a hot chocolate and he had a burger. That doesn't sound too special, but he reminded me that we'd been here a couple of times before with our parents on nights that we'd come back from long road trips. It was nice that it was just us for about a half hour, riffing on life and reenacting the diner scene from Heat (I'm DeNiro by the way). My brother and I have come a long way from when we were kids and he wouldn't let me read his comic books. I know a lot of brothers go on trips and do other exciting things, but for me, sitting around in a diner at 3:30 in the morning is as good as it gets.

Seven years in San Quentin. In the hole for three. McNeil before that.
Yeah.
Was McNeil as tough as they say?
You looking to become a penologist?
You looking to go back? I chased some crews, the guys were lookin' to fuck up and get busted back.
You must have worked some dipshit crews.
I worked all kinds.
You see me doing thrill-seeker liquor store holdups with a "Born to Lose" tattoo on my chest?
No, I do not.

4/14/2007 04:21:00 AM | Comments (0)

It's So Sweet

Nothing Better - The Postal Service

First, a quick story.

I finally mustered up the courage to talk to this blonde girl from my Documentary class. It helped that she was friends with that girl I mentioned in my last post, Ana, so when we saw her they started to talk and eventually it was a whole thing. How do I describe this girl? Strong fashion sense. Blonde, which is not normally my bag but it suits her. She's got this powerful bone structure that sucks your eyeballs in like a tractor beam. Eyes like sapphires. You know what she's like? One of those evil Nazi henchwomen in movies and comic books. She seems sweet, but she could probably put my head between her thighs and crack it like a chestnut. I hope so anyway. When we were almost at Finch, this guy (who I'm pretty sure was mentally retarded) made her shake his hand and then he made me shake his hand and then he pointed at the two of us and gave a thumbs-up, like he thought we were together or something. Normally that would be awkward, but we just shrugged it off. That was strange.

My real reason for posting is this ESPN NBA Stories feature on the Toronto Raptors. It's 113 megs, about 20 minutes long and totally worth watching. Warning: It might get a little dusty in your room as the video goes along. *choked up* Ah, there's something in my eye. I don't know how long the MegaUpload link is going to last so get it while it's hot.

Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA will it tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Absolutely. Science is...whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as I have the results.
I already know the results. The kid is not mine.
Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Hmm...different time, the sixties.

4/10/2007 11:37:00 PM | Comments (0)

Late Marks

Half A World Away - R.E.M.

And William's latest consecutive post streak...is broken. What's up Scoobie Gang? Let me get my excuses out of the way first:

1) I been bogged down with papers and even those have been neglected. I had four due in the month of March and not a single one was handed in on time. That's new for me. I'm honestly just trying to pass at this point. Luckily, I'm a friggin' genius and I'm doing slightly better than just passing. I got back a Documentary assignment that I handed in last week: B+ Some people are dumb. Some people are lucky. I'm just dumb fuckin' lucky.

2) I've been having a steady e-mail exchange going on with Annia so a lot of my whining and crying goes into those e-mails. Luckily, the latest American Idol season is in full force and since that takes up most of our conversation I've come crawling back to you, my loyal readers.

But yeah, mostly the work thing.

Annia did send me this tasty link though, which sort of got the whole thing started. I know we all love ytmnd.com. You can thank Annia for this dramatic reading of a break-up letter. As per usual with all my links, if you've seen this before (or any others I post) then I give my most sincere apologies.

On with the show (oh guys, I know you've heard some of these stories so I'm just recording for posterity's sake. Skim at your own leisure):

*****

New girl alert! New girl alert! I'm just playing. It ain't no big thang, but I finally spoke to this nice Romanian girl in my Documentary film class with whom I share a subway route a couple of times every week. That's right, with only a handful of classes to go I finally decided to walk up to this person and say "hello". Jeez, I'm pathetic. Her name is Ana-Marie, though she prefers just Ana. I finally decided to give it a go when I had a particularly frustrating class with Professor Fucktard...excuse me, Armatage. This lecture included her answering one of my questions with a shrug of her shoulders and an "I guess." I swear, I almost punched her.

After class, I semi-stalked Ana and eventually walked up to her and began to talk to her about how frustrated I was with the professor and all that. It flowed nicely into the usual getting to know you stuff. You know, what's your major, where are you from, what kind of diseases are you carrying...pretty standard. She's a laugher too, which is always good. Any time there was an awkward silence, I'd just start doing a little Irish jig and screaming "Shabba-HOO, Shabba-HAA" for about thirty seconds and then everything was cool again. No need to break out the good material yet. Anyway, it's nice to have someone to talk to in my film classes for once. Too bad there's only a couple left. Guh.

*****

My grad formal is this Friday and I'm taking TWO girls. Yeah, I'm a player. What's happening is that Wendy Shen wanted to come to the New College party so that she could meet up with some of her peoples, so she needed me to say she was my guest. Then this other girl at our table dropped out and I asked my main man Julius (who's running the event) if Annia could come and since he owed me a favour for saving him from that gang of Puerto Rican ninjas back in the day, he had no choice but to say yes. Of course, I'm not actually bringing either of them in the traditional sense, but there are two girls listed under my name so THERE! Let me have this one.

*****

I haven't really been able to listen to anything new, though I did finally get to sit down and listen to "For Hero: For Fool" by Subtle. They're the guys who opened up for TV On The Radio. It's an amazing, amazing CD. Very, very weird though, so I don't recommend it for everyone. It's not something I would play for someone and then be outraged if they didn't like it. It's definitely for a certain taste. These guys make Gnarls Barkley look like Good Charlotte. It goes real well with my recent descent into madness.

*****

A couple of weeks ago I went to my friend Natasha's 22nd birthday. It was a lot like her last birthday party, which was two years ago. Here's a brief recap:

I got to Jack Astor's at 6:45, wanting to be politely early. She didn't get there until 7:50. Wow. I didn't know anyone else out of the 40 people that were there. Actually, that's not true. I recognized two people who I'm apparently taking Documentary Cinema class with and never talk to and later, this guy showed up who I spent a lot of time talking to at her last birthday party. He's a nice talkative guy though. Too bad he didn't show up until about 8:00. Between the time I was waiting for Natasha, I attempted to make small talk but the Chinese girl next to me wasn't very receptive. I blew my "So how do you guys know Natasha? Does she owe you money?" line within the first ten minutes and it was rough sailing from there. Luckily, it's a sports bar so I could just shut up and watch college basketball which is what I would have done if I hadn't gone to the party.

As soon as Natasha showed up she was in character. She sat down for maybe, five minutes the whole night. She went around hugging people, making small talk, smiling for pictures. She's a superstar. I knew better than to try and get genuine face time with her on this night. This was a woman at work. Besides, she'd had to deal with my mopey ass earlier in the week so I didn't mind that we didn't get to talk so much that night. Still, situations like this always remind you that you can never be sure how well you know someone. When it's the two of you, you could have the closest, most personal relationship and think you've got something really special. But then you see how she acts around other people and you wonder how significant you truly are in this person's life. I stopped worrying about that a long time ago. If I didn't, I probably would have gone insane.

A few days later, I ended up seeing her again because I was at school late attending this "Culture and Christianity" Karaoke BBQ. Sadly, my main reason for being there was because I was hoping that some of the chicks from my first semester lecture were going to show up. Specifically this girl Cheridan, who I didn't get a chance to talk to before. I need help. Needless to say, only the fugliest of the fugly showed up. Even worse, the song I was planning to sing (yes, I plan for these things), Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John, was sung by another guy. And he was good. Not as good as I would have done it, but good enough that I didn't feel like these people needed to be saved by my divine pipes.

After I stole some fruit, I bailed and met up with Natasha. This was a mistake. First, I had to sit with her and her classmates at Tim Horton's for about half an hour. Then for some reason I decided to ride the train with her and some others all the way to Scarborough Town Centre. At this the wheels have completely come off. I did entertain myself by talking to her lesbian friend, Kelly. We're both Scorpios and we both shared a disdain for Natasha's constant need for attention. We spent the whole ride ignoring her. That was fun.

Then she said she was going to drive me home, but she tricked me into going out for chicken wings with a couple of her friends. One was also named Natasha, but went by 'Tasha and the other was this girl named Mika. 'Tasha perpetuated the classic stereotype that girls feel the need to fill their stories with every single detail. This is less common among men, but is often referred to as the "Alex Lee Method". She was going on and on about her situation with this guy she works with and while I was interested, I also wanted her to get to the fucking point. Then, when I tried to impart a fraction of my infinite wisdom upon her, she essentially ignored me. Too bad for her. Mika was just straight up ice. I wasn't exactly in top form (I wanted to go home), but she didn't even chuckle at some of my C-level material. And that's A+ material by anyone else's standards, damn it!

At the end of the night, Natasha surprisingly did drive me home instead of just chopping my head off and leaving me in a ditch somewhere. I was still kind of annoyed though, so I forced her to sit through a quick rendition of Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me. She got my company for the night and I got to enjoy the sound of my own voice. That's a happy ending right there.

*****

I finished my last paper today. My last paper, like, ever. That's not entirely true since I'm short 1/2 a credit, but as far as serious, school-time papers go...this was it. It was so hard to do. The later it got, the more pressure I put on myself to do better so that I would at least get a passing grade until finally, at nine o'clock this morning I got 'er done. I'm not proud, but at least I handed it in. I'm so messed up right now. I think I'll save my whole, "Wow, I can't believe it's all ending" bit for next week when I've finished all my tests. After that...I have no idea.

*****

You've made it this far, just a little more to go. Links!

I love Demetri Martin. He's going to explode any minute now, just you wait. If you haven't already, download his album called These Are Jokes and his stand up called "Person". Here's his palindrome poem.

Some funny sports video game clips. These first two, Madden Ambulance Montage and Madden Injury Montage are both directly ripped off from the Sports Guy's blog. One of his old articles inspired me to search for this Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl clip. Lastly, from the same guy who made the second Madden video is this brilliant NHL 93 Bloody Games Montage. There it is Mikey, check it out, his head's bleeding. Mikey, check it out, his legs, little Wayne's legs are shaking all over the place.

Oh, and because William is too lazy to do this properly, here's the Tommy Boy clip that me meant to refer to in his last post. All their car stuff is classic and a predecessor to similar car scenes like the one in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. I'm sure someone did it before Spade and Farley, but this was the first one for me. The best part about it is we've all been there.

Finally, my crowning achievement in internet stalking: The MySpace page for the Raptors' Mop Girl! I know I told William and Max about this a while ago, but I had to put it down here. Hell, I should have made a whole article for it. Brian, Gary, Daniel, Jess, whoever, you might not think this girl is that hot but for me, there was this mystique about her for so long (who is she? how did she get this job? are there other mop girls as attractive as her?) that I find her absolutely irresistable. For the longest time she was just Mop Girl, but now I feel like I know so much about her. And not just because I broke into her apartment last night. Hey, don't look at me like that. She was trying to mug me.

*****

Ah hell, I'm just going to say it. Happy 200th Post to me!!!

Okay, I run the videostore downstairs. So if you, uh, have some time drop by. We could watch "Jungle Fever" or "Taxi" with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah.
Why would you think I'd want to watch those movies? Because I'm black?
And because I'm white. Hello!

4/06/2007 04:53:00 AM | Comments (0)