Tracy Morgan's shark-tank sets his apartment ablaze (real). Is 30 Rock a reality TV show?

This is Ricky Gervais talking about Humpty Dumpty. Also, masterfully joking about the Holocaust. Good times.

But did you know that Ricky Gervais was in an 80s pop band called Seona (pronounced Shawna) Dancing? No? Well, check it out!

This guy edits Star Trek: The Next Generation videos to be weird non sequitur. Start off with this one and this one and this one. These are probably only funny if you watched ST:TNG. They are, however, retarded regardless of your previous knowledge of the show.

Flight of the Conchords is pretty good this season, even though the songs aren't quite as good as in season 1. Nevertheless, Michel Gondry, the guy behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, directed the latest episode. The musical scenes are definitely pretty trippy, and I can't get this song out of my head.

Speaking of things that are of note more for artistic merit than humor, here's a pretty cool music video.

This next music video, on the other hand, is NOT COOL AT ALL. I wouldn't click that if I were you. You have been warned.

And on that Sambagian note, I'll end things for now. I have some crazy stories of people dying, but my gut tells me that they would be inconsistent with the tone of this post. Hope I made the right call there.

Didn't you tell me to live every week like it's Shark Week? And that nothing's impossible except dinosaurs?

2/22/2009 12:00:00 AM | Comments (0)

I think February '09 is on pace for a record low in terms of posts per month...which is unfortunate, considering that this month's posts have been all near the bottom in terms of overall quality as well.

I'm proud to admit that this post will probably not reverse either of those trends.

- This retarded video got Living On A Prayer stuck in my head for like five days straight...I'm just posting it here so that you can share in my misery.

- Salma Hayek Breast Feeds African Babies - don't actually watch it, the video is much less interesting than the title. You don't actually get to see Salma Hayek's boobs, it's just a depressing montage of starving African children. And no one puts it better than this anonymous commenter.

DAMN THIS SHIT SAD AS HELL.. I HAD TO WATCH 5 MINUTES BEFORE I SAW THAT BITCH BREASTFEEDING.. DAMN JACKIN MY DICK WITH TEARS COMIN DOWN MY FACE

I don't care where you come from...that is funny.

- If FoodPornDaily.com is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of food, then This Is Why You're Fat is like the explicitly weird and hardcore stuff you can only get through mail order. I think I like this better. And an addendum, Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality. I have to admit, most of the pictures on the right still look really good. And in some cases, better. Man, I am hungry now.

- You remember when I said I'm On A Boat was the second Incredibad song that was released to the internet? I lied. (And yes, Like A Boss is a completely ridiculous song...if you could even call it that.)

- I was telling Jess about this wacky news article I had found, where this wealthy Chinese businessman had to cut some of his mistresses because of the tough economic times (it really does affect us all) and actually hosted a sort of contest to narrow down the field...and somewhat predictably, the first one cut was so upset that she tried to take everyone out by driving the car off a cliff. This raises a lot of questions, and I'm fairly disappointed that the details in this article were so lacking. Like...what were the competitions? I see a beauty contest mentioned in there (of course), and a drinking contest (which is hilarious), but what else!?! Were they just kind of standard things you'd expect, like who cooks the best meal or who could satisfy him sexually the best, but what if there were more specialized or personalized contests in there? Like what if he was a big lawn bowler or something and wanted to keep the best lawn bowling partner out of the four?

I'm also a bit bummed out to learn that I would have a realistic chance to compete in really only two out of five of Jess' hypothetical contests against her hypothetical man-mistresses (mantresses?). I'm just saying, you probably don't want me driving when we're heading back home from the Strongman contest in this completely hypothetical scenario. Also, I'm even more bummed out that even if Hitting To Right Field was an actual event, I'd still probably lose out to Caesar. Hypothetically.

It just had to be a Chinese woman. Goddamn, they do not mess around.

- Highly subjective of course, as these things always are, but you cannot deny that the third movie of any trilogy is rarely, if ever, the best one. And no, Return of the Jedi was not better than The Empire Strikes Back, go fuck yourself.

- Yes, I only said that so that I could transition smoothly into this video featuring this guy's cabinet door that sounds exactly like Chewbacca. I think it's one of those rare things where it works even better if it's spoiled for you in advance...because going in you're like "whatever, it can't be that good" and you're bracing yourself for disappointment because bah humbug, it's just another stupid, overhyped internet video. But then it turns out it's so good that you have no choice but to laugh, and you end up laughing even more at your earlier skepticism and how much of a stick in the mud, fun ruining asshole you were. It's just too good.

- Apparently The Simpsons has a new high definition opening sequence, which is actually the third version of the sequence that hasn't changed in 19 years. This show has sadly become completely irrelevant to me now, but I feel I'm obligated to post this anyway. Like when your mom tells you that your estranged cousin has gotten married, and you go "oh, good for him" and then go back to slow motion headshotting NPC's in Fallout 3 after you quicksave the game so that you don't lose karma. ...at least that's how I imagine it's like - I don't actually really have any estranged cousins, or estranged anything, really.

I don't really want to be estranged from any of my relatives either, especially not like a long lost female twin my parents have never told me about, that I end up having sex with like ten years from now after I randomly bump into her at an airport bar, perhaps subconsciously attracted to her because deep in your mind you would never be able to resist the notion of having sex with a female version of yourself.

...hurm. Probably a good as a time as any to end this post.

I was not the Sixth Beatle.

2/19/2009 10:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's 9:30 AM and I've already had three people walk up to my desk only to turn back upon seeing me because they were all looking for three separate, distinct people that were not me.

Also, I forgot to wear a belt this morning.

Looks like I've got a case of the Mondays.

- This is an odd stop-motion video featuring Transformers, Dukes of Hazard, and Wolf Parade - three great tastes that do not taste great together.

- Speaking of great tastes...FoodPornDaily is not actually full of pictures of foods that look like penises sticking out of foods that look like vaginas (or foods that look like a gay man's mouth, for those of you that may have mistakenly come here looking for The SAMBAG instead), but aside from that it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I swear to God, just do not visit this site when you're hungry. But it's very innocent, very safe for work...and yet, I have an erection. (UHHHHH! ...I just jizzed in my pants, God it looks so good.)

- Speaking of pants jizzing...the second video from INCREDIBAD, I'm On A Boat. Yeah, it's pretty crazy - just as stupidly catchy as the last one. I'm continually amazed by these guys, not at just how easily they can crank out stuff like this, but how authentically good all these tracks are. In case anyone was interested: my favourite bit was the half second shot of Akiva dropping a handful of grass on the ground.

But this ain't Seaworld
This as real as it gets
I'm on a boat motherfucker
Don't you ever forget

2/09/2009 10:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

A lot of people don't know this about The WAMBAG, but everything we do here is based around one simple principle; the timeless gift of giving. Because when you give to others...you give to yourself.

The collection below is a set of links that others have been kind enough...to give to me.

- From Jess: Chuck Taylor All-Stars...made of LEGO. Also, this is Han Solo in carbonite...in LEGO.

- From Max (who could just post this shit up himself but is way too busy at his fulltime job of being a faggot): Triceracopter! There was a clever dinosaur related joke I thought up that would have been great to put here, but I wrote it on a napkin that I lost and now I can't remember it again. Oh well. By the way, avoid that Stegowagenvolkssaurus video on the side of the page - it's so shaky it makes Cloverfield look like a still life watercolour painting in comparison. I threw up three times in the first four seconds. In retrospect, they were probably the worst four seconds I've ever experienced in my life.

- From my brother: Rich Astley himself "RickRolls" the Marcy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The gag is absolutely prehistoric by internet standards now, but I'll take any excuse to hear the song again, because it is pimp as hell. We're no strangers to love...holy shit that is a hot track. Also, the joy of seeing Rick Astley himself submit to the fad and seeing that uncomfortable yes-I'm-getting-paid-and-I'm-famous-again-but-at-what-cost? look on his face is absolutely fantastic.

And now time for my own links, which are superior in quality in every way.

- Dare you not to laugh. You can't do it, can you? I just imagine the whole thing in that hilarious Batman voice, which really makes anything funny. Like Batman vs. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. Next item on our shopping list should be a Batman costume. (...after we buy a Triceracopter.)

- Whose Line Is It Anyway? bloopers. There's six parts in total, I trust you to find them yourselves. I was kind of surprised at just how many crude and offensive bits they throw away...although I don't know why. Other observations: Ryan Stiles is a huge asshole, Hoedowns are KILLERS, and Colin Mochrie cannot be fazed. A quick warning: these are extremely addictive, an hour of your life will just completely vanish once you click on that link.

- Finally, to follow in the original spirit of this post...my gift to Sheep. I'm fairly certain you can dig out a genius pick-up line somewhere in this amusing article. That, or it's inspiration for a new crazy sex trick.

"What are you doing with that scalpel?"
"Don't worry baby, this'll blow your mind."

The wonders of modern science never cease to amaze me.

...this guy's some kind of Asian Black Lightning.

2/03/2009 04:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Let's Go To The Judges

Watch The Tapes - LCD Soundsystem

This post is going to be about scoring in gymnastics and its relation to my love for Ghost Town. Buckle up.

Gymnastics scoring works like this: Your move or routine begins with a pre-set score and if you do everything you're supposed to do, that's the score you get. The pre-set score is based on the difficulty of the move or routine. Following me so far?

Let's say you have a simple routine on the rings. A couple of lifts, some suspensions, a flip and a how-do-you-do to cap things off. That would be, like, an 8 or 8.5 at best. So if you do the whole routine perfectly and it's the best performance of that particular routine that anyone has ever seen, you're still only getting an 8 or 8.5.

On the flipside, if someone has a routine on the rings that involves biting on one of the rings and spinning like a spider on a thread of webbing, that might be a 9.0 or a 9.5. This means if they screw up a little bit, they can lose a few tenths of a point and still have a higher score than the guy who did the simple routine perfectly. Understand?

I bring up this scoring system because I realize that this is how I approach watching a movie. In my head, there's a pre-set score and as the film moves along I mentally deduct points. This is why, in my opinion, there is no such thing as a perfect movie. For me, every movie starts off perfect and then I begin to remove tenths of a point.

Take Street Fighter for example. You've got a movie based on one of the greatest video games of all time. The game world possesses its own rich history and a cast of characters that are just begging to be put on screen. You've got one of the guys who wrote Commando and Jean-Claude Van Damme. My pre-set score for a film like this is, like, 9.5 or 9.7. It's a difficult film to get right, but the elements were there for something truly spectacular.

In gymnastics, this would be like someone attempting a triple somersault in the vault event.

Now instead of getting what could have been one of the best sci-fi/martial arts action films of all time, we got a stinking piece of shit straight from the devil's asshole.

In gymnastics, this would be like someone attempting a triple somersault in the vault event, but instead of getting any air they slip on the springboard, smack their jaw against the vault apparatus, land on their head and then spontaneously combust. But worse than that.

You're watching Street Fighter and you're pumped up as soon as you see the logo. Oh man, this is a 9.7 movie fo' sho'! Then Chun-Li, E. Honda and Balrog show up and it turns out that they're undercover as news reporters. Two tenths deduction. Van Damme plays Guile without any attempt to cover up his accent. Two tenths deduction. Raul Julia does Raul Julia things. Score remains steady. Ken and Ryu are gun running hustlers. Three tenths deduction! Carlos Blanka?!? One tenth deduction. Not a single decent action scene in the whole flick. Two full points!

By the time the characters do their classic poses in the end (ugh), you're left with maybe a 0.3 or 0.4. Maybe 0.5. As with everything, the higher the expectations, the more stunning it is when we faced with such grand failure.

Which brings me to Ghost Town. With my effusive praise of this film, I've undoubtedly artificially raised this film's degree of difficulty by a whole point for some people. Brian, for example, was nonplussed. For me, the film began with a score of around 8. The points to consider in the routine lay in the casting of Ricky Gervais as a romantic leading man, an ill-fitting supernatural premise and the fact that the film is essentially yet another Hollywood romantic comedy. By hyping up the film, I led poor Brian into expecting the film to possibly reach a score of 9 or above. This was my mistake. Even if he appreciated the film to its fullest, it would still be a full point below his expectations! And herein lies the dilemma. For me, the film is perfect or at least near perfect. Thus, it's about a 7.9 in my book out of a possible score of approximately 8. You still with me?

I don't recommend this scoring system for everyone as it is highly convoluted and frankly, I'm not even sure if it's applicable to every film. This whole process has likely spawned from my usual mental meandering and the fact that I love to watch the same movies over and over again while finding new ways to appraise them. That's fun for me. In case you're wondering, the closest thing to a perfect film is Heat. I'm not saying it's my favourite movie, but it is damn near flawless in its execution.

Inevitably, after I become tired of this concept I will return to my time-tested two-tiered scoring system (the 4T scoring system, one might say). Those two tiers being: Movies that are good and movies that are shit. It doesn't always make for great conversation, but it works for me.

*****

NBA All-Star Weekend is next week and other than a one or two selections (Iverson again?) all the starters are deserving of their spots. There were a couple of anomalies in the voting that bear mentioning. Bruce Bowen was only a few hundred thousand votes away from overtaking Amare Stoudemire for one of the West's forward spots. Apparently Juicy Brucey has been doing basketball clinics over in China for some time now, so they love him over there. I can live with that, I guess.

Even easier to explain is Luke Ridnour's impressive fifth place finish in guard voting in the East. I imagine that because Yi Jianlian played in Milwaukee last year, that the team now has some kind of footing in China. However, that does not explain why Ridnour (who did not play with Yi) would get more votes than, say, Michael Redd (who actually did play with Yi). It looks like Luke still has a lot of fans from his 30 Seconds To Mars days.

With the Raptors season going poorly, there are only a few respites left for Toronto basketball fans. One can always look forward to next year's draft, even though it looks like it will be the worst one since 2006, coincidentally the last time the Raptors had a high draft pick. For those seeking more immediate satisfaction, there is always the excitement of the trade deadline, which is coming up in a couple of weeks. I can honestly tell you that I would welcome the much-rumoured Shawn Marion trade, if only for plays like this.

On a more serious note, did it get any better than these Larry Bird/Michael Jordan ads? Nothin' but net.

*****

After reading this Krav Maga article, I'm reconsidering my anti-semitic beliefs.

A comic about Rick Rolling. You know, I tend to be highly resistant to internet memes and this was no exception. Though I will say that the idea is brilliant in it's randomness and that I spent a lot of time wondering how Rick Astley felt about the whole thing. Assuming that he isn't the one who started it.

Having been unemployed for almost a year, what the hell has Alex been doing with all his free time? In an attempt to shed some light on this pertinent question, I present to you this Punch Out One-Hit Run. I watched every second.

Which of course, led me to watch this piece of brilliance. I'm not even going to pretend that I watched this whole thing and if you do, you're a better man than I.

Oh, one last thing. I had to track down the link myself, but I was made aware of this clip reading a Bill Simmons article: Teen Wolf penis. You're welcome.

Come on, sit your buns back down. Ok, we can't just give up.
But coach this guys are so good and I'm very, very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now? I mean like really, really, really real?
Yes.
I just thought about going out there for the second half and a little bit of pee came out.

2/03/2009 03:39:00 PM | Comments (0)