Adventures In Solitude III: Imitation Of Life

Imitation Of Life - R.E.M.

It's been almost two weeks since my parents left and I still have no idea what it is like to be living on my own. I mean, yes I have been living by myself in the strictest sense of the term, but I don't feel like I've taken on any new responsibilities. Obviously, this is because my situation is temporary but I like to think that I would have begun to develop some sense of individual domesticity during this brief period of time. All I seem to be doing is copying the moves of my parents.

I get up. I get the newspaper. I go to the basement to make sure that the water from the melting snow isn't going out of control. I lay the newspaper out on my table and place yesterday's in a pile on a chair in the corner. I don't actually read it, I just lay it down so that it looks like it is going to be read. I turn on my mother's radio and keep it on the station she always listens to. I organize the dishes and glasses that I washed yesterday. Exciting so far, no? Today I went out to buy fruit and milk. I also got my hair cut. When I go to sleep tonight, I will put on two small lights at the bottom and top of the stairs that we use to keep the house lit so people can get around at night even though I'm the only one in the house. I will go to sleep and do most of the same tomorrow. I will also probably forget to leave food out to defrost.

Angel always tells me that I feel guilt too easily. What can I do, I was raised Catholic. She usually brings this up because she feels like even though so few people in my life have pressured me into doing anything, I always factor in others when making my decisions. She's right. All I can think to do with my parents gone is keep things in order and maintain a routine until they get back. This revelation would surely be disappointing, were it not for the fact that I am hardly known for embarking on grand adventures.

Let's talk about your reviews a little bit...regarding "Intravenus de Milo": "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
That's...that's nit picking, isn't it?

3/31/2008 11:27:00 PM | Comments (0)

I think I may have accidentally overwritten the homepage today while I was recreating the tagboard. Oops. Hopefully publishing this post will make everything better...?

New layout is almost completed, though this time around, I don't want to even guess at when I'll get around to actually finishing it and putting it. I'm mainly just playing around with stuff for now, but the final version of the site should closely resemble what you see here now...unless I change my mind again.

Did you breast feed her?

3/27/2008 03:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

Adventures In Solitude II: The Nature Of The Experiment

The Nature Of The Experiment - Tokyo Police Club

How much should one tip a locksmith?

This is the quandary that I faced Tuesday afternoon. It's probably a small miracle that I've never locked my keys in my car before so it's only fair that this accident occurred at a time when I didn't have the parental units around to tell me how to handle it. In fact, I'm certain that I subconsciously did this to myself as some kind of test. Especially when you consider that this problem isn't a particularly difficult one to solve. A locksmith helps with locks. The square peg goes in the square hole.

Count on me to complicate things as usual. For one thing, I realized right away (well, almost right away) that I left my keys in the car. I felt for them as soon as I got out and immediately cursed myself and my own lineage. Unfortunately, I couldn't deal with the problem right away as I had a job interview to go to in ten minutes. So I went and did the interview, but the whole time I was thinking about what an idiot I was and how much a locksmith could cost and whether there was anyone else I could call. I'm hoping that none of this was obvious to my potential employer. I think it went as well as could be expected.

When I finished with that, it took me about ten minutes to find a payphone and then, as you might expect, I gave them the wrong address. I was waiting around for about an hour before I decided to sheepishly call the company again and explain my mistake. The locksmith arrived soon after and all my questions were soon answered.

About five minutes of work.
125$ if you pay with cash.
An extra 5$ if you don't feel like waiting for change.

I honestly hope that you're not supposed to tip locksmiths, because if you aren't then I was just doing this guy a solid because I was responsible for getting him lost. If you are supposed to, then I just fucked this guy over. Two times! It becomes clearer every day that I have no idea how to handle even the most basic aspects of human civility and the worst part is that even as I go from minor crisis to minor crisis I have no idea of I'm resolving them in the most efficient, correct manner. As far as I know, I could just be making things worse. Then again, all I can do is keep working at it, and have faith that I am beginning to comprehend the nature of these things.

And yes, hours later I am now aware that I should have just called CAA. An expensive lesson, but one that shan't be repeated I assure you.

I would be remiss if I didn't note one victory that occurred in the evening. The heavy snowstorm that hit Markham took down my tv for a while and it wasn't until Annia came over that I got off my butt to see if there was something I could do about it. Actually, it's more like Annia really wanted to watch American Idol so she ordered me to do something about it or she would call Bell herself. So I got the ice scraper from the van and stepped out into my backyard to clean the snow off the dish. Amazingly, this worked. The way Annia and I approach a problem is so different. She relishes taking them head on while I prefer to lie down and let the tank treads of life just roll over me. This is one area in which I admire her.

It's pretty.
Yeah, I like it, just been fooling about with it for a few months now, very delicate...
It's a...it's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally play.
Yeah, it's part of a...trilogy really, a musical trilogy I'm doing...in...D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly, you play a...baaaaa...baaaaaa it's a horn part.
It's very pretty.
...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, it's sort of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's...
What do you call this?
Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
Hmm.

3/26/2008 04:04:00 AM | Comments (0)

Adventures In Solitude I

Adventures In Solitude - The New Pornographers

In the past few days, I've managed to improperly defrost a chicken dinner, waste a perfectly good car wash and get lost driving to my cousin's house (a place I've only been to approximately 6,302,190 times in my life).

The car wash story is a good one, albeit a bit embarrassing for me. I was going to hang out with Max on Friday and before I headed to Ajax I decided that I'd treat myself to my first car wash since it looked like someone had thrown a cup of coffee at my Dad's car or something. It turns out that the closest car wash to my house is a self-drive and the attendant patiently explained to me how simple it is and just to "drive slow, homie" (not his words). After waiting for what seemed like an eternity (there were six or seven cars ahead of me) I slowly entered the wash...but not slowly enough as it turns out. I must have hit the pedal a bit too hard because before I knew it, only the back of my car was being sprayed. That didn't seem too productive, so I figured that I better just move on to the next step and save embarrassment. Again, I was going too quickly because no sooner did the light ahead of me go from green to red and back to green (meaning I should move on to the third step). I had no idea where the sensors were, but it was clear that I tripped them too soon. At that point, I wasn't sure what was left so I sat there for about thirty seconds waiting for something else to happen and then sheepishly drove away. I was too embarrassed to go ask the attendant for help and I hit the road with half of my car slightly moist.

Approximate time spent in line: 40 minutes.
Approximate time spent in the car wash: 3 minutes.

I told myself that that was one of those "live and learn" situations. I also told myself to go to a car wash with a track next time.

My parents left to go to Japan on Thursday and I spent the whole day playing 360 and watching college basketball. I mean the whole day. It's weird when you're all by yourself and no one else wants the television and there's no one to suggest that you do anything besides what you want to do. Well, apparently what I want to do is play videogames all day. That was predictable. On Saturday, I ended up falling asleep on my couch at 7 in the morning. All because there was no one around to tell me not to.

As for how I got lost going to Derek's house, that's actually easy to explain. Even though I've been going there for years, my parents or my brother were always doing the driving and I didn't pay attention to where I was going. However, on this particular night, I decided not to take my GPS with me hoping that instinct and common sense would prevail. They did not. I ended up far off the mark and decided to call Derek and ask him for directions.

And this is how I've been doing so far without the parents. I haven't missed a meal yet, so that's good. Also, the house is still in decent shape, though it's only been a few days. Any minute now, I'm going to have myself all sorted out, no doubt about it. Stay tuned.

We're talkiing about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!
Sex Cauldron!?! I thought they closed that place down!

3/24/2008 04:43:00 PM | Comments (2)

Mummified dinosaurs, greatest science fiction writer of all time passing away, gold is up ten points, blah blah blah - who cares!?! WAMBAG.COM - bringing you news from around the world that YOU care about!

Phoenix, Arizona - A community reacts to finding out about a picture of a penis painted on a neighbour's roof. There's no way he only found out about this now, six months later. He was in on the whole thing the whole time. And for that, I salute him. My question is how this story came about. Was there like a guy in a traffic helicopter flying by that reported it? Also of amusement was the video to the right side of the page, that featured the news crew showing passerbys a picture of the roof inside their news van. Like, hey, do you want to see a giant penis on this guy's roof and be interviewed for a news story? ...mmmokay!

Clarksville, Tennessee - Preacher found dead with rope around his neck and a goat standing over him. ...not much else to add to this one.

Santiago, Chile - So apparently the cool thing for teenagers to do now is to call yourselves "Pokemones"...and have crazy bisexual orgies in the streets of Chile. Teenager Juan Fernandez used AIDS! It's super effective!

Gold Coast, Australia - "An 81-year-old man has shot himself dead with an elaborate suicide robot built using plans downloaded from the internet." I bet he heard about the story of the homemade guillotine suicide (or homemade suicide guillotine?) from last year and decided to one-up it. The only way to one-up this one now would be to use skin samples from that recently discovered mummified dinosaur to clone it, and then raise it and train it to rape you to death.

Gotta catch 'em all!

3/19/2008 04:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

A Girl Of My Own

Modern Romance - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Angel and I went to go see Doomsday on Friday. It fit our "only watch bad movies" policy in that it was absolutely devoid of any art or intelligence but was undoubtedly entertaining. That might sound like a simple thing to some, but occasionally you go to a movie hoping for some dumb fun and you end up trying not to fall asleep. That's what happened when we saw Stealth. Ugh. Doomsday on the other had features a capable and comely lead actress in Rhona Mitra, a former Lara Croft model and television lawyer (The Practice, Boston Legal). With that kind of versatility, she was clearly perfect for the role of "Eden Sinclair" (Ugh), a no-nonsense government agent with a troubled past and a chip on her shoulder. Oooooh...

The movie itself is super violent and directed with the tact of a young James Cameron...that is if James Cameron smoked crack and had an attention span of less than 0.3 seconds. There is one fight scene in a cramped hallway that literally, LITERALLY has a cut every half second. We're talking about a basic sword fight between two characters and the camera switches between shot and reverse shot so many times that the figures may as well be fighting on the surface of the Death Star because there is no respect for spatial logic whatsoever. The tone of the movie is all over the place too. The movie starts off as horror, then becomes a decent rip-off of Aliens (harder to do than it sounds), then becomes the least inspired post-apocalyptic landscape you've ever seen, then becomes a medieval/gladiator flick (just watch it) and then it turns into a chase flick. I'm certain I'm missing some things here.

The movie is a lot of fun though. The characters are all one-dimensional, the blood and guts are extremely satisfying and the dialogue is so rote that the characters may as well be speaking in a series of clicks and grunts. I give it the slightest recommendation.

We also went CD shopping that day and Angel bought me a couple of discs (a sly way of circumventing my "no new CDs until I get a job" rule, I know). She knows I'm on a quest to use my hastily purchased Metropass as much as possible this month so she suggested that we wander the city for a while. I don't think we went anywhere too out of the way, but almost every place is new to me and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have accompany on one of these aimless jaunts.

*****

Natasha is starting a new life as a stewardess. That's right, the next time you fly Air Canada, she might be the one asking you if you ordered the meat or vegetarian. I'm happy for her. She's stressed out because the training is so rigorous and it's potentially pays less than her current job, but she knows that it will be worth it for the experience. Who knows where it will take her? It will probably be a while before I get a chance to hang out with her comfortably again, but I'm excited for her regardless.

*****

Annia has been nice enough to see me for lunch at least once a week for the last couple of weeks or so. I need a reason to get out of the house and even though we only get to sit and talk for about an hour, I'm left satisfied and mostly amused. This is working for me right now.

*****

Jen Benton, the bassist of The Cliks, looked right at me and smiled last week when we were at The Indies, I swear! She looked right at me. It would have been a classic concert moment for me and great for my self-esteem if it weren't for the fact that she's a card-carrying lesbian. She looked right at me!

*****

Melida remains beyond my grasp. I actually...God, I actually went to where she worked today. I had my story all set up too. I was going to say that I had a job interview around there that day and that I didn't get it so I decided to stop and get some coffee and relax and "Wow, fancy meeting you here! Small world." That's what was going to happen. Thankfully, she wasn't there. I felt sick waiting outside of the Second Cup mustering up the courage to go in. I kept telling myself that if this was a movie in the 1950s, this would be considered romantic. This isn't the 1950s and I'm not Humphrey Bogart and I'm never, ever going to do anything like that again.

*****

Metropass count: 22

*****

I miss Bob Barker. So, to happier times:

Adam Sandler's Ode To Bob Barker

I always thought that the screening process for the show was more discerning than this, but here's a contestant who bids the same particular number over and over again. I hate white people and I especially hate white stoners, so you'll be happy to know that this clip has a happy ending.

A contestant cheats and gets the prize anyway. Watch Bob here: First, his reaction is priceless (as always). He makes a split second decision to walk away rather than rip this cockknob's throat out. Second, he deals with the problem quickly, if somewhat irresponsibly, and gives that little bitch a "get the fuck off my stage" shove.

And just for the heck of it, even though I know this is a re-post, the classic "Worst Price Is Right Player Ever" clip. I actually saw this episode live and I'll never, ever forget it. I can't believe it. I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe it... Bob is the best.

A girl of my own? I describe a cerise cometary through Bug Street, the Daemonite ghetto, in search of her heartbeat, her perfume, a match for my stored images of her cheekbones...a girl of my own? Some would think it unlikely; would say I'd been programmed to think, not to love, and that may well be so...but I can still think that I love. In all honesty, can they claim anything more than this? Three blocks ahead, the faint scent of a woman whose skin has an aftertaste not quite like coffee nor yet quite like an apricot. It's her.

3/17/2008 10:42:00 PM | Comments (0)

If you can make it through this entire news article without laughing, then you are a better man (woman or child) than I. It just keeps taking it up a notch.

Baxter...is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. ...is this Wilt Chamberlain?

3/13/2008 11:05:00 PM | Comments (1)

Somebody help me, please. I'm spending way too much time on Funny or Die.

Valtrex Ads: uno, dos, and tres. This medicine thing might be tricky for me in the future, because I find herpes really funny.

Auto Phone Sex

Remember Kenneth from 30 Rock? He's got two shorts: here and here.

He also stars in a Mariah Carey video. I have no words for this one, because I'm still in shock. I mean, there's a unicorn in this music video.

No words.

3/12/2008 11:18:00 PM | Comments (1)

I don't want to overhype this post or anything, but it contains more than two links. This is a career high, or whatever you sports fans say when someone does something with that ball more times in a game than he's ever done before.

Link 1! This is so similar to a Kristin Wiig-style SNL commercial that I can't believe it's serious. Nevertheless, it looks to be a legit commercial. Then again, I was too afraid to actually watch the other videos they have on Youtube, so I could be wrong.

Link 2! Remember the Powerthist and The Proposal guys? They're apparently from Halifax, and do some decent stuff. Also, here's a good example of why prop guns are awesome.

Link 3! A quick visual punchline that just works for me. Note the time (under a minute). We can at least come up with 30 seconds of material right? There is no excuse now. Also, this one is obvious but I still dug it.

Link 4! Kids songs sang by rock stars. More song humour.

Alright, I think I'm tapped out. My mana pool has been emptied, so to speak.

Answer me these questions three.

3/11/2008 06:39:00 PM | Comments (2)

Yeah, so those promises of a new layout at the end of last week...I hope no one was surprised when it didn't happen. Oh well.

Anyway, forget all that. I found it! After what seems like years and years of searching (it only seems like it because it didn't actually happen), I've finally found a viable link of the Devil Can't Write No Love Songs skit from SNL.

And here it is, in all it's glory.

I have actually not seen the video since I first caught it in a television broadcast, which has been years and years now. Although I did manage to find an mp3 of the audio off Napster way back when, and also the transcript, which is why the quotes were always so accurate. But to finally see one of my most favourite SNL bits ever (that for some reason wasn't featured in one of the Best of Will Ferrell collections) in full video and whatnot...it's a good day.

Enjoy, please.

EDIT: I'm also going to use this opportunity to link to another skit, you know, while I'm here. Here is The Bird Family, which is as disgustingly hilarious as any SNL bit you will ever find. Notice the unblinking game faces of Will Ferrell, Chris Parnell, and Ana Gasteyer - I really don't think there were any other cast members at that time that could have made it through that sketch, especially when Will Ferrell chokes on his prop food midway through. Tim Meadows, maybe. But Jimmy Fallon would have been absolutely destroyed in this bit.

And the Aimee Mann/Magnolia bit just absolutely wrecks me, we gotta steal that somehow.

He's got no saliva!

3/10/2008 03:24:00 PM | Comments (7)

Free At Last (Well, Again Anyways)

Complications, Fascination & Quitting Your Day Job/Interlude 3 - Jetplanes Of Abraham

Written on a Tuesday:

I woke up around 5:30 in the morning today. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and changed into my work clothes. I ate breakfast while skimming the Sports section. My father and I left the house a little after 6 and I arrived at York Mills station in time to catch a train just before 6:30. I made it to work at 7:05, went up to the third floor and said "Good morning" to my instructor. Then I gathered my things and quit.

I didn't just walk out and I didn't have a Jerry Maguire-level breakdown, though that's always been a dream of mine. I had prepared a letter the night before and read it to my shift manager and my instructor. It was well written, if I do say so myself (which I will), though it may have been too honest. Everyone was nice and understanding and before I knew it my ass was back on the street and my working relationship with RBC was over.

Now:

Now would be a good time to mention that William told me about a deal he could get on Metropasses but that I would have to let him know that I wanted one a month ahead of time. I now own a Metropass for the month of March, but have no good reason to go downtown. I kept this in mind on Tuesday and wandered around the Greater Toronto Area for the better part of four hours. I went up to Downsview station and wandered around there. The station itself is really nice. The bus shelter has a really high ceiling and it almost has an airport terminal feel to it. Also, there's not a lot of buildings and there's plenty of empty field space all around so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to imagine a jetplane touching down just outside the window.

I had no idea where I was going and I just walked and walked and walked. I'm not going to lie, I was tripping a bit. I ended up wandering through a residential area and I'm certain that I gave off a strong vagrant impression. When you think about it, I actually am a bum now so I guess it was appropriate. If I had to use one word to describe the area: Jewish.

Counting stopping by the Eaton's Centre to have lunch with William that day and taking a bus back from Markville Mall today (I jogged there) my metropass count for the month is now at 6. I will get my money's worth out of this.

I can tell you right now that my dad is not too happy with me. He hasn't said anything, but I know how he is. I don't think he realized just how much I'm struggling with adulthood. I mean, I can imagine what my employers were thinking. "Wow, he's just giving up. That's so...childish." Apparently, I'm still a child in many ways. I have a lot of growing up to do and I know that that isn't going to be accomplished by me sitting around and moping in my room. So what to do, right? I'm figuring things out. All I know is that I don't want the things that other people want and that is a concept that I am finding it difficult to express to friends and family. Hell, I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me. I'm kind of fucked up right now, so bear with me for a while.

In other news, Annia is back.

Trailer for Step Brothers with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. I was tempted to just copy and paste some Will Ferrell movie trailer description from someone else's post but even that seemed like too much work. Watch it and laugh. You know what you're getting into.

Metal Gear Awesome. Is this a re-post? If you get all of these jokes, you're truly a better man than I.

I don't even know where I'm going.
That's the best way to get someplace you've never been.

3/06/2008 04:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

This is a clip from the MTV comedy sketch show Human Giant, featuring everybody's favourite Canadian actor from Arrested Development that was not Michael Cera...Will Arnett!

Pretty standard, horrific stuff. It has a nice, familiar The H Is O feel to it.

"Oh my God, dude - McConaughey!?!"
"I heard you really liked to take things up a notch."
"I like all flavours!"

3/05/2008 11:43:00 PM | Comments (3)

WAMBAG.COM will now actually be located at WAMBAG.COM moving forward, so adjust as necessary.

Right, so we got the new webspace going now, just a matter of transferring all the files over now. To be honest, I don't know if I was ever really feeling the old layout as much as I should have...so now that I have an excuse to change it up again, I think I will.

Though the difference is that I usually have an idea of what the next layout will be before I switch it over...this time, I'm not really prepared, so I gotta think of a new one while we sit on this temporary thing for now. Our archives and all the other page content were always kinda messed up, so this would be a nice time to sort it all out too. The whole thing with our site dying was somewhat unexpected (well, the timing of it at least, I didn't have much doubt regarding the inevitability of it once I stopped paying for it) but regardless, it's a nice opportunity to start fresh again. Which is why I'm not just going to throw all the files back on the new server blindly - I'd like to take a look at them first, because I don't even remember what a good 75% of the crap in here is for anymore...even though I'm the guy that put it all up in the first place.

New layout (had a couple ideas just pop up while I typed this post up) and a fully functioning site probably by the end of the week sometime, depending on how little I have to do this week. And still comments for now - don't think I'll get the tagboard up for a while still.

We're back, baby!

Frankie likes to say that boxing is an unnatural act, that everything in boxing is backwards; sometimes the best way to deliver a punch is to step back. But step back too far and you ain't fighting at all.

3/04/2008 03:06:00 PM | Comments (0)

New website and webspace coming soon, as soon as I can steal enough minutes away from my full time job to patch together a super cool layout. ...or I could just restore the old one, but that hardly seems fun.

In the meanwhile, here are today's Provoking Facts from Choking Yak.

- Family of faggot fans fly the flag. If you can make it through the second paragraph with a straight face, then you are a better man than I.

- There's these new Colgate commercials on the subway, that are just pictures of two people making out. Apparently the marketing angle is shifting from "Make your teeth nice and white so your smile looks sunny!" to like "If you use our toothpaste, you can fuck bitches raw in dirty washrooms just like this guy's doing!" I don't know, I'm just saying that in my opinion, they seem particularly racy for toothpaste ads. I mean...you can't even see their teeth, because they're mouthsucking so hard - how can you have a toothpaste ad without teeth? It doesn't make sense. It's like they pulled the pictures straight from Edison Chen's hard drive (LOL, TOPICAL). Since when did toothpaste become like a lifestyle product? It's toothpaste! You rub it on your teeth to not have cavities! Modern society scares me.

- Also, I hope you're all familiar with the new Telus "say-it-alls" ad campaign, because that amuses me to no end as well. It pimps out their smartphones, and the ads are these little questions like "How do avoid wearing the same outfit?" with some blank check boxes labeled with text, call, and whatever so it's like this fun little thought exercise...yeah whatever, great stuff, and of course the crazy colourful fish are everywhere as well. Here's a picture of one, taken with my one Telus Mobility smartphone, fittingly enough.

Anyway, the ads are fantastic, because some of them are fairly inappropriate if you approach them with the proper mindset. Like one of them is like "How do you tell him you're having twins?" or something to that effect, I don't remember exactly. It's fantastic because the checkboxes are still blank underneath it, and the question of exactly how to deliver the news is completely up to you, clever Telus smartphone user! The world is your oyster! Like as if the creation of two new human souls and their arrival into your family is a casual enough happenstance that anything less than a phone call is acceptable? I imagine a high powered executive, who is so busy closing important deals and so forth that actually being physically there at the birth of his children is too much to ask, and instead getting an instant message on his mobile is what he'll have to settle for.

CoolChick215 says: hey
CoolChick215 says: twins
xX~ninjaCEO~Xx says: a/s/l?
CoolChick215 says: 5 min/boys/tdot gen
CoolChick215 says: no complic8ions
CoolChick215 says: luv u =P
xX~ninjaCEO~Xx says: gtg

Furthermore, I imagine this scene to occur within a nice, 38th story boardroom where he's either giving or listening to a generic PowerPoint presentation with various coloured pie charts and arbitrary bar graphs with cheesy page transition effects, smirking slightly when he sees the message on his smartphone when he sneaks a peek at it on the desk in front of him, because the meeting is just TOO IMPORTANT to be interrupted with a notification that his children have been born. Let's throw in some generic, inspiration, "the future is now/what a bright and wonderful world" background music like in commercials for Philips television sets or hang-gliding, mountain biking herpes sufferers.

Or maybe it's not the husband you're telling - it's the man you cheated on your husband with. How do you tell HIM you're having twins? Certainly not a formal phone call then, that'd be too awkward. Text message?

i have twins =(

Seems fitting enough. But sometimes you don't even need to imagine anything to have lots of fun. This morning right next to "How do you tell him you're having twins?" was "How do you break up?"...which even on its own is something that seems inappropriate. I don't even know if it was on purpose or not. That's just horrible, and I didn't even need to add a humourous twist at all - it was reality.

I would think email would be best in that situation - opportunity for a fully articulate message because it's something the person you share children with deserves...yet not too intimate because, well, you're breaking up with them. And also...is it funnier if it's the woman breaking up with the guy after she reveals she's carrying his children, or the other way around?

Every time something comes up and you need to communicate something to someone...think of the little check boxes, and decide what would be the most appropriate way to tell them. And then think of the most inappropriate way, and do that instead. Laughs all around!

I have way too much with my phone though, checking my email at every red light while driving ("No new email...because you are a loser" about fifty times a day) is dangerously fun. And in case anyone's confused, when I say "dangerous" it's in regards to the fact that it becomes easier for me to run through a red light and die in a horrific crash, because I'm not paying attention to the road when I'm checking email on my mobile smartphone.

...this particular bit may have gone on for a bit too long.

- Here's Kobe throwing a towel into some lady's face, not to be confused with the popular classic Sheed throwing his jersey into some guy's face.

- Born with the incredible physical attributes of a goat...raised with the fearsome hunting instincts of a dog....I, for one, welcome our new mountain climbing, frisbee catching overlords. I bet he's just getting tired of that dry, crappy dog food they keep feeding him. Just watch, once that kid fattens up enough...

I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.

3/03/2008 12:45:00 PM | Comments (0)