Home Alone: Day One

So my parents are gone. Left, on a jet plane. And they've left their beautiful baby boy (that would be me) to fend for myself. Well actually, I got my brother, but that probably makes it worse. It's only a matter of time before we turn on each other for food and territory. He's got weight and youth on his side, but I figure I got the edge in skill, speed, and experience - no one's seen what these eyes of mine have seen. No one has... I predict that only one of us will survive the weekend.

So I figured I'd keep a running journal, in case I don't make it through the ordeal. That way at least my last moments will be well documented on this blog that no one reads. I've decided to use titles for these posts, despite my usual policy against them.

But I'm certainly not going to complain about having the house to ourselves. And whenever he's out, it's just me. Here's a brief list of the benefits of having a house to yourself - and these are just the ones I've discovered this evening.

- Open door urination. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.
- Yelling of random nonsense whenever I feel like it at the top of my lungs. But to be fair, I do this in the car anyway. This includes singing along off key to the radio and cursing at the television. Like "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?! Are you goddamn BLIND!?! Are you mentally DEFICIENT!?! Bullshit! BUUUUUUULLSHIIIIIIIIT!!! Fuck that shit, FUCK IT TO FUCKING...uh...FUCK!!!" And that's just for Everybody Loves Raymond. I'm slightly worse with Jays games.
- The opportunity to eat a can of Pringles for dinner. Though this might be a bad thing, I'm not sure yet.

Though I guess there's some trouble you run into too. For instance...I've lost the dustpan. I have no idea how it happened, but it's just not there under the sink anymore, and I can't find it in the entire house or the garage. So now I got this big pile of dust in the corner of the kitchen begging to be swept up and dumped. But I can't do it. I JUST CAN'T DO IT. It might be the lack of sleep talking, but I think it's calling my name at night. All I know is that it's going to keep growing and growing while I continue to sweep until I find the dustpan again. And since 90% of house dust is dead human skin, I am completely certain that eventually it will gain sentience and attempt to slaughter me in my sleep, because I neglected it in its youth. I need that dustpan.

Just Day One, and already my life is in peril. Good this ain't.

7/30/2004 10:46:00 PM | Comments (0)

Batman Begins teaser online. Gogogo! Now all I need is a Sin City trailer.

Addendum: I noticed this post lacked the funny, so here's a little piece of related goodness.

7/28/2004 07:29:00 PM | Comments (0)

New game for you today. Pretty simple stuff, as they all are. Good fun, but I gave up after five rounds. Here's my top. He's scratching his bum, in case you can't tell.

7/27/2004 11:17:00 PM | Comments (0)

(soundtrack)
Summer In The City - The Lovin' Spoonful

There are two people responsible for teaching me how to survive downtown: My mother and Annia. My mother for dragging me to that horrible place as a youth countless times and Annia for teaching me how to actually enjoy it. I can't thank either of them enough.

Weather-wise it was obviously pretty miserable today, but that's okay. Despite being a bit muggy the climate was cool and good for walking in. I went downtown to meet up with my cousin Joe who just got four wisdom teeth removed. I needed to borrow his T-Card so that I could access the athletic centre. Right now he can't eat so he has to drink all this canned, liquified meal substitute stuff. Today, he had a can of liquid butter pecan. I tried some. It was freaking delicious. Of course, he could do nothing but complain about how he can't eat solid foods for a while. Ungrateful prick.

After that I went to go hang out at Chapter's. I'd like to say that I spent the day visiting every section, reading a few pages of any book I found interesting, and rediscovering the wonders of my own imagination...but of course I just hit the magazine section and then headed straight to the graphic novels. The graphic novel section of the Chapter's on Bloor totally blows! It's all manga and an unsold copy of the illustrated biography of Louis Riel (which I will read one day because the art is excellent). American comics are getting shat on these days, man!

Damn it, I know there was something else I wanted to write about but Max just came over. He's on my bed flipping through The Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe #14: The Book Of The Dead Deluxe Edition. It's morbidly good.

Oh yeah, I had to mention this too.  When I was shopping last week, I came across this peculiar recording. Shouldn't there be laws against this sort of thing? I mean, I loved Lullabye as much as the next guy, but come on! Shimmer was a pretty good song too.

That's all I got for now. You know my posts have just become an excuse for me to post random Preacher quotes. My goal is to ruin the whole damn thing before Brian gets a chance to read it.

Twenty square miles of Arizona, hell, I picked that up for a song. Dynamite? They're practically giving it away. After that, all it took was hard work and careful planning. No, I achieved something here, man. I did something positive.
You just spent ten years carvin' out the biggest piece've profanity since God caught his dick in a zipper, an' you call that somethin' positive?
Yeah, I do. See, you gotta remember, man...It doesn't matter who you are, or how good you got things. Sooner or later, shit goes wrong for everybody. Sooner or later, there comes a time when all you want to do is shout fuck you to the world.

7/27/2004 05:23:00 PM | Comments (0)

Got dragged into a company baby shower today. And wow - I don't think I've been in that awkward of a situation since I was left alone outside of Beckers with Mack and Monique back in Grade 8. Now THAT was bad - I had to do one of those "WHAT'S THAT? HUH? Uh-huh, uh-huh...y-yeah, I'll be right over to help!" And I don't ever want to speak about it again. But this was pretty horrible as well. Two dozen middle aged people talking about having babies and raising children. How could I have possibly handled that? I had to latch onto the only two people I've exchanged more than five words with (The New Girl and this other coworker guy - he's cool) for dear life, and just spit out lines like "Yeah, haha, I hear that!" and fake laugh at everything they said, joke or otherwise. But the problem with a group of three is when two of them (in this case, The New Girl and the other guy) start talking to each other. So I'm there...and I got NOTHING. I'm staring into empty space and hoping and praying a giant meteorite would crash down or for the pregnant woman's water to break. I mean, I wish nothing but the best for her and her baby, but I would have taken ANYTHING to get me outta there. I was this close to just cracking out a dead baby joke, consequences be damned. All I could hear in my head was Dr. Evil over and over again - "Hoo...this is uncomfortable..." And when I finally did get out of there, I was shocked - no, horrified - that it was only half an hour. I swear that I had been in there for sixteen months!

And it was at this point where I came to a sudden realization...that time travel IS possible. It would be based of an awkwardness-powered engine. If it were somehow possible to capture high levels of awkwardness (ie. me at a baby shower) and concentrate and purify it, THAT would be the fuel. Given concentrated enough levels, time wouldn't just slow to a crawl - it would actually start to crawl backwards. I'm convinced I've already suffered some early aging effects, from all my years exposed and unshielded from the Yak family dinner table. And only God knows what happened to me and my suspect sperm count all those years in RHHS, pretending to laugh at bad jokes day after day after day at lunch. I think I might even have de-evolved a step down - I think I'm half rodent now. Good thing someone had to leave early at that baby shower though, so I could piggyback the exit with a "Yeah, me too." Who knew what would have happened to me?

Thank God.

Whew.

Yee-ikes.

That was ROUGH!

7/27/2004 03:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

So if you haven't already noticed, I've added a spiffy new Colourizer™ to the top left there. As of now, in addition to the vintage Black & White, there's only Boo Hoo Blue and Human Head Red. Two great tastes that taste great together - which is why if I ever do another one, it'll probably be Purple Nurple. I've got cookies set up so you can Colourize™ and keep it, but I've run into some problems since I have absolutely no idea what the hell it is that I'm doing. It's not Colourizing™ when the page loads, so there's this stupid looking delayed colour change - I think the script's not loading fast enough, but I have no real idea. Personally, I like the blue - I've been using the same shade (#666E99!) since 1.0 - and since I can do whatever the heck I want, and there's no one to stop me, I feel like making blue the new default, and having the monochrome original being a selectable Colourization™. Sounds good? Great. And there's another issue with only being able to switch to different left/top/banner/thingie/dudes/images for the black and white, but that's just because I'm too lazy to convert all the dozen plus images into different colours. That one's just a headache. So enjoy, and if there's any problems just drop me a line at the official The WAMBAG contact - idontcare@sogoawayihateyou.org.

ANYWAY, turns out there indeed WAS a point to this rambling - a link. Ricochet Lost Worlds. Yet another new version of Breakout. Neato graphics, moving blocks, crazy power-ups - that sort of thing. It's a full out program though, so you have to download and run the 13 MB setup file.

And apparently, one brilliant classic wasn't enough. As long as they keep the two crucial elements of success - a radical 80's soundtrack and massive amounts of Decepticon ass kicking from Optimus Prime - then it CAN'T go wrong. ...frankly, any movie could use more of either one.

7/26/2004 10:36:00 AM | Comments (0)

Cool idea.

Not so cool idea.

Oh and watch Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. It's hilarious. I kid you not. Plus, we should support our Asian brothers in leading roles. Or something.

7/25/2004 05:04:00 PM | Comments (0)

Summer Days

(soundtrack)
Nothing Beautiful - Odds

Work is definitely getting easier.  Incidentally, it's also getting a lot more tedious but that's okay.  I'll take routine suffering over challenging work any day.  Story of my life.

My boss and I are getting along better.  I think he's gone from straight loathing me to accepting that he can't get rid of me.  I think that's pretty good.

Tuesday with Michelle was nice as usual, but we didn't go birdfeeding.  I decided to go on my first paycheck splurge so we hit Eaton Centre.  I (predictably) picked up Pulp Fiction on DVD and Nirvana's Nevermind album, the greatest piece of music ever recorded.  It rained pretty damn hard that day if any of you don't remember.  Now I usually bring my umbrella and my jacket downtown, even if I know it's going to be somewhat warm.  Call me cautious.  But the two (two!) times that I haven't brought said items it has rained like a sum' bitch!  Of course, when I am prepared, there ain't a single drop to be seen.  Story of my life (pt. 2).

Thursday, I gave David a whupping in basketball.  Then again, before these last couple of weeks the guy hadn't played regularly for two years, so no big accomplishment there.  Not to mention that I've been oddly aggressive and pissed off lately so he didn't stand a G-damn chance.  I stuffed his ass like, 8 times, no lie.  We played a 7 game series of 5 point games.  I won 4-1,  Pistons style.  He wasn't that bad though for a pushing off, clearing out, fouling motherfucker.  On a related note, we must have played in the least comfortable gym on the entire planet.  At first we were excited because there was no one there.  After shooting around for 10 minutes, we learned why.  NO OXYGEN!

After David and I went our seperate ways, I ran into my cousin Joseph and we went for lunch.  In the diner, they were showing the news about the arrest in Cecilia Zhang case.  Sobering stuff.

I went to Joe's house and I helped him put a bike together.  Let me tell you something, it was nice to get my hands dirty for a day.  As you all know, I'm quite the girly man and I usually feel the need to cleanse myself every 15-20 minutes.  So yeah, it was a learning experience for me.  I was using tools and breaking stuff and adjusting hoo-dads and zim-zams.  I had fun even while getting devoured by mosquitos.

I also picked out most of my courses that day and decided on my majors, so it was overall a productive day.

Thursday Bonus Points: Woke up at 5:45 in the morning and had breakfast with my Dad.  Like whoa.

Friday Max came over and we played ESPN NFL 2k5 until about 2 in the morning.  Good times.

What can I say?  It was another one of those weeks that gave me time to step back and appreciate all the good things I've got going in my life.  I've got a job, I'm going to school and I'm spending time with my favourite people in the world.  I realize that this post was quite devoid of my usual cynical humour and amusing observations, but I felt like writing about positive things for once.  Why should I only write when I have something really amazing or really sucky to talk about?  I'm just taking a step back and saying, "Things ain't so bad."

So what did we learn this week?

• There's no point in trying to prepare for things if God hates you anyway.
• Sad bastards like us have to take those rare moments of true happiness and hold on for dear life.
• A happy Big Al = A boring Big Al

An' I reckon I'm gonna have you count the grains of sand on this beach.  That oughta keep you occupied long enough, huh?
What?!
Hell, I tell you what: I'll let you stop when you hit three million, how's that sound?
But I'll be here forever!
Wages of sin, Hoove.
What...what was my sin...?
Fuckin' with me and mine.  Get to it.

7/24/2004 11:39:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm taking a break from posting about my 98.1-style gay taste in music to tell you about some game with lasers. To be honest, I think I failed the mirrors/lenses part of Grade 11 physics, so this game infuriates me to no end. But you guys seem to have nothing better to do, and lasers are pretty sweet. So go beat my pitiful give up at level 8 (EDIT 12 now bitches!) , while I release my pent up emotions through crying whilst listening to MIchael Bolton or something.

7/22/2004 03:18:00 PM | Comments (0)

I admit it. I'm not a comic man. Never have been. The parents always thought comics rotted the brain, and so the graphic novels were banned from the house. Then, they plopped me in front of the TV for hours on end. And look who got the last laugh (it would probably be me, if I wasn't so brain dead from all the TV)? So instead of reading issue upon issue of the adventures of heroes like Spider-man, I watched them instead. And if you want vintage sweetness, you can look no further than the old Spider-man TV show (the one with the theme "Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can"). That show is the stuff they put in the middle of vintage sweetness to give it that soft, creamy interior.

*****

When you're traipsing across Europe, there are almost no constants in the violent sea that is European cable television. Depending on what country you're in, you're in for a freak show of mismatched channels. No doubt, they are a freak show AND mismatched only because they are not in English, and therefore I do not understand them. And I fear and am repulsed by what I don't understand. But there is one bastion of hope, one beacon that shines through the fog: CNN. In every country I visited, you could rest assured that the sarcastic quips of anchorman/funny British jackass (like there's any other type) Richard Quest could be had with minimal effort. One fine evening, I happened upon CNN's Music Room (or whatever that music program is called), and they did a vignette on Michael Buble. He's Canadian, and a crooner styled after the likes of Sinatra and Martin. Hey, I love Canadians AND crooners. So pretty much he had me at "Hello, my name is Michael Buble. Please buy my CD because I'm Canadian and a crooner." He's a smooth fellow.

*****

Anyways, I only bring up two chunks of my dark, mysterious past (TM) in order to shed light on something I found. Michael Buble's cover of the Spider-man theme song. It kicks so many different kinds of interelated ass, you need a cladogram to keep it all organized. And since I don't listen to the radio OR watch TV anymore, if you've already heard about this months ago, then sod off. That's right. All the way off.

Iron man, Iron man, does whatever an iron can...

7/21/2004 05:31:00 PM | Comments (0)

Okay, I was right in the middle of screwing around with the site, when the site I was stealing all my code from suddenly went down.  So I'm only half through, and things aren't finished yet.  ...actually, I might just upload the stuff I have now and steal cleverly figure out the rest later.  I still have to work out this cookie deal, and there's all sorts of stuff wrong with the tagboard - I can't really tweak it that much since it's offsite.

Anyway, I finally remembered to find this again and post it - Ninjas Gone Wild.  However, it's for RealPlayer, and from the devil himself.  A fantastic video though, so if you have RealPlayer anyway (like Big AL and...okay just Big AL) you might as well use it.  The rest of you can probably skip this link, as there is nothing worth the hell that is having RealPlayer installed on your computer.  This definitely comes close though.

I also bring you the gift of more cosplay.  Fairly standard stuff - quick clips of a relatively normal person (apparently a master of the "what fuck?" facial expression) and his meetings with random cosplayers.  It's an old formula...but it never disappoints.  Some of the lines in there are completely priceless - just wait for the "I'M THE EATER OF SOULS" guy.  There's a surprisingly high amount of (apparently) sane people, and a lot of them just look like they're out to screw around (see: that Cat girl at the beginning, and that Domo dude who HAS to be Chinese), or they've changed their minds now and are embarrassed to be seen in costume.  But it's still cosplay, so there's still a minimally large number of instances that just make you want to shrivel up and die.  Or for them to die, either way.  Like that last guy, who couldn't even pronounce "uber."  He was the funniest, by the way - I'll let you see why.

That entire site is apparently pretty funny, if you just pick videos at random from the directory.  I haven't had the time to check it myself, but feel free.  Just don't hold me responsible if you find some bizarre Malaysian bear porn.

But anyway, that video has almost single-handedly convinced me to venture forth into The Land of the Cosplay myself - the CNAnime expo/convention/whatever.  And apparently there's a comic book one too, in case you couldn't get enough nerdage from the anime side.  I'm going to find Michael Turner and punch him in the face - I don't know why.  ...and wow, there's also sci-fi and horror ones too?  GOT DAMN!?! (a new combination of "got milk?" and "cot' damn!" - I'll be test driving this baby for a little bit)  So weekend of August 27 - I'm there(!), Jess is there(?), and yo moma's there(...).  Who else do you need?  Gimme a call.

"I use my tentacles to...well, do tentacly things to people."

7/21/2004 10:16:00 AM | Comments (0)

Dammit, I just found out that the Voldo video link is dead.  It needs to be watched.  Good news is that I saved it to hard drive before it went down.  Bad news is that it's 10.9 MB (10.7 zipped).  My ICQ's been unable to send files for like five years (I think it's my router...I've just been too lazy to configure it properly) and these free Rogers accounts top off at 10 MB.  I think Gmail's the only way I can send it.  If you got an account, holla at me on ICQ or something.
 
If you don't have Gmail...well...then...I'll think of a way.
 
EDIT:  Assist from Sheep!  Gogogogogo!

Meanwhile, here's a random five second video, and a hilarious thread about Jeopardy juggernaut Ken Jennings I found on a white power forum.

7/19/2004 07:41:00 PM | Comments (0)

I was originally going to collect some more links along with this before posting, but this is just too good.  Oh it's a keeper alright.  Do the Voldo!  Doo doo doo do dododo doo doo...

7/19/2004 01:43:00 PM | Comments (0)

I don't know if this will amuse anyone but me.  Heck, I don't even know if this amuses me.  It's a little abstract (i.e. American politics), but I'm a big softie for Southpark style "puppetry".  Here's the link.

7/18/2004 10:54:00 AM | Comments (0)

Yummy barbeque today - kicked it back with some friends, ate my weight in watermelons, and watched Old School AND Bad Boys 2.  Hard to imagine a better way to spend a nice summer Saturday.  Even had some..."sangrias?"  Weren't that bad at all - I may have to rethink my policy against alcohol sometime.  Makes me wonder what kind of sick person first had the idea of mixing red wine and orange juice though.  Kinda like how you wonder what kind of person first thought about drinking out of his cow's udder.  I say "his" because you just know it was a man.
 
Another little game for you - just a whole lot of Jumbles over and over again.  Get the top word to advance, get the rest for points.  I had a nice roll going where I kept figuring out the big one within five seconds...but then I hit "KNAVES" and it all went to hell.  Gimme a break, "SKAVEN" isn't a word?  That's crap!   Haven't you ever heard the expression "I'll skaven your cromulent ass!"?  Just ridiculous.
 
I ended up with 20,920 that last time, in case you're keeping score at home - which you no doubt are.  And I would like to offer a pitiful excuse to why my score is often shattered for every game I post up -  I play until I'm bored, but you bastards play until you beat my score!  That's not fair!  So from now on, I will always post my score, so I can keep using that excuse.

7/18/2004 12:44:00 AM | Comments (0)

I Ain't Pissed At You, Pardner.  I'm Just Pissed.
 
(soundtrack)
Takeover - Jay-Z
 
I got to get all this dirt off my shoulders (Hova again!).  Man, I got so mad at David and Michelle the other day and really, for no good reason.
 
It was Michelle's birthday on Thursday and there was an odd chain of events leading up to it.  On Tuesday, we went downtown to feed the birds.  Of course, it was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.  As the day came to a close, she says, "Can you promise me something?"  I tell her I won't.  Everyone knows that I don't make promises.  So then I ask her to tell me what it was she wanted me to promise.  Then she says she won't tell me unless I promise.
 
Insidious.  Like the Federation.
 
My friends, I tell you that I held fast as long as I could, I really did.  But eventually, after avoiding it as long as possible with numerous speeches and anecdotes about why I don't make promises, it got built up to the point that my curiosity had to be satisfied.  The promise?  That I wouldn't get her anything for her birthday.  Why?  I'm paraphrasing, but she said that she didn't want me to feel pressure to get her a great present.  And she said that it would be horrible if I got her a bad present because then I'd see that look of disgust in her eyes in that split second after she unwrapped it and I'd notice.
 
Bottom line: She didn't trust me to get her a quality gift.  Wow.
 
First of all, I'll say that I was relieved a bit.  I had NO idea what I was going to get her.  Secondly, that's sort of a cynical way to look at the gift giving process isn't it?  I mean, receiving gifts shouldn't be something that you dread.  Thirdly, what's wrong with my gifts?  Come on, I got her a Carebears trash can a while ago and I'm 98% sure that she loved it...maybe, 80%.
 
Regardless, I didn't think there was too much harm in it at the time.  I figured that the least I could do was drop by school on Thursday and give her the ol' Happy Birthday, go to lunch with her and some friends and that's it.  Wednesday night, I'm talking to David about going downtown to work out and hang with Michelle and he says, "Ok, I'll ask her when her test is over and I'll get back to you."  So I'm up until about 4 in the morning Wednesday night (watching Just Shoot Me as usual) and I check my MSN messages.  Nothin'.  However, I figure he'll call me Thursday morning and we'll meet up.  Nothin'.  I call him up and he tells me, "Oh, sorry man.  I slept in."  And I'm like, "That's cool, that's cool.  So what time you want to go see Michelle today?"  And he's like, "I went and saw her last night."
 
What the fuck?
 
So I get mad at that nigga, I ain't even interested in talkin' to his ass at that time.  I talk to Michelle and she's all like, "Sorry, I left my cell at home and I just got back."  (Grrrr...) Then she jokingly says, "Is there something you should be saying to me today?"
 
"Nope."  Cold blooded?  Naw, come on.  Honestly, I have no idea why I was mad at her.  I guess because of the above incident, I felt that she was totally cutting me out of her birthday.  It's paranoid, I know, but hey, it's Big Al we're talking about here.  So instead of seeing her, I ended up hanging out in Cesar's ghetto neighbourhood and playing basketball til' around midnight.  Didn't feel any better, even after I called David to cuss him out some more.
 
It wasn't his fault any way.  He told me that his visit was spontaneous and that he was sorry.  I believe him, I do.  I guess, as always, I'm mad at myself.  Couldn't I have called her myself and asked her when her test was done?  It's just that she's done so much for me this year and I feel like such shit that I couldn't take one day to show my appreciation for her.
 
Forgive the length...nay, long-windedness of this post.  I'm just spittin' hot fire, ya heard?  I leave you now with dialogue from the greatest story ever told: Preacher
 
You sayin' I'm some kinda homo?
I'm sayin' you're the kind of guy who'd crawl through a perfectly good whorehouse to get to a fat boy's ass.

7/17/2004 02:43:00 AM | Comments (0)

Since it was so fun the first time around, I'd thought I'd post some more about my job.  But before we begin, let me just get this straight.  It's a kickass job.  I enjoy it, and for once, I don't wake up every morning wishing I was dead.  I just wake up every morning wishing I didn't need to go to work - so I'm at normal human feelings now.  Which is good.  I think I actually have a better job this summer than most people I know, with the exception of Max.  I question whether or not his job actually meets the definition of a "job" because it certainly seems there's no real "work" involved.  CURSES.  Anyway - let's get on to my bitching.

- The New Girl opened the window shades today.  So I'm getting nasty monitor glare from the sudden abundance of natural sunlight now.  I hate it.  I hate her.  I hate YOU.

- Today was Jeans Day or something cheesy like that, where people are encouraged to dress down to casual from business casual.  Now...I like to think that I don't actually actively seek out opportunities to BE racist...but I swear to you that it comes to me regardless of what I personally want.  Jeans Day completely eradicates the illusion of racial anonymity in the officeplace, and draws lines in the sand to divide the office into clearly defined groups.  It's more like Stereotype Day.  And there's a healthy visible representation from each race, so the sample space I'm making my observations from is solid.  All the blacks and latinos go right back to the standard stereotypes on Jeans Day - baggy jeans, basketball jerseys (I saw a Clippers one with Odom - that's hilarious), and ECKO t-shirts everywhere.  Whereas you look at the white folk and the chinese...and they're dressed like exactly the same.  Golf shirts and polos, tight jeans, short-sleeved buttoned plaid shirts...essentially they dress business casual casually anyway.  Brown people is where it gets interesting.  Anyone under the age of like 27 or so will dress like the first camp - jerseys, ECKO shirts, crazy cool medallions, etc.  The ones above that age are all golf shirts, and whiteified (it's a word, look it up).  I'm the only exception, because although I wear a button shirt...I wear it UNBUTTONED.  Get it?  That's the key detail.  And since I don't have any jeans, I go khaki...making me MORE of an exception.  I'm not even wearing jeans on Jeans Days.  And if I ever show up in a jersey...it'll be a baseball jersey.  And how many non-whiteified people do you know that follow baseball?

- I forgot my security card yesterday.  Left it in the breast pocket (heheheh "breast") of my other shirt.  And with the exception of the front door to the lobby, EVERYTHING is locked down.  So I had to hang around the lobby pretending to tie my shoe for ten minutes until I recognized someone from my floor, just to get to work.  And then I would do the ninja-shadow and sneak into the office after them.  Lunch was even harder, because everyone takes it at different times and you don't know who to shadow.  And unfortunately I didn't bring a lunch this time, which ended up ended up causing all sorts of other wackiness for me (more on that later).  But at the end of the day, I think I did pretty good.  That empty box of oranges came in handy - thank you Metal Gear Solid for teaching me so many things.  I only had to break the neck of just ONE co-worker.  That'll teach you not to put cover pages on the TPS reports.

- So regarding lunch yesterday...I had what is perhaps the most bizarre social experience you could go through, outside of like...meeting a former kindergarten classmate you haven't seen in over ten years but there is still MUTUAL recognition (happened to me twice before).  Yesterday I didn't bring a lunch so I decided for the first time to check out the Harvey's across the street.  So apparently...my exact double works at Harvey's.  I mean this guy REALLY looked like me.  And for me to admit that should be saying something - I don't mean AL-and-Emu-both-wearing-denim-shirts-in-grade-school similar.  I mean looking-into-the-mirror-and-seeing-my-own-face-LOOKING-BACK-AT-ME similar.  And he served me too, which further established it as one of the weirdest experiences of my life.  I'm willing to wager a bet that it was for him as well.  There we were.  Him over on one side of the counter with his Harvey's hat and apron working his minimum-wage burger flipping job.  And me in my suit and tie over on the other side of the counter, on a lunch break from my almost-minimum-wage office job.  It was like the Prince and the Pauper...except completely not.  If you ask me (or maybe even him), there was far too much eye contact during the entire transaction from both sides - the type with a lot of shifty eyebrow movement and suspicious looks.  He didn't have a name tag, so I was going to ask for his name...but I ultimately decided not to.  I mean, what if he even had the same name?  That would just be TOO weird, and I would have no other choice but to engage him in a duel to the death, leaving only one of us behind.  Or what if he was Bizarro Yak?  A normal, hardworking, law abiding citizen of goodwill, a man who openly embraced his proud Chinese heritage?  That would be worse.  So I got my order, wolfed it down as fast as I could, and got the hell out of there - all while avoiding eye contact of any kind.  Suffice to say, I'm not eating at that Harvey's ever again.  In fact, I might just completely burn the place down tomorrow.  It disturbed me that much.

- I also had another bizarre social experience yesterday - The New Girl was introduced to this other guy while I was sitting right there.  A guy I've never seen before in my life.  Here's how it went down...
 
New girl: [blah blah blah not relevant] "- and you've met Yak before right [the dude]?"
The dude whose name I don't even know: "...why, yes!"  <looks at me>
Myself: "..." (NO, you've NEVER met me before!  Why the hell are you LYING about it?  What possible purpose could that serve!?!)  "Uh...y-yeah!  Course."
 
At which point I quickly turned around and started ghost typing into Notepad, to appear that I was far too busy to be further drawn into this unholy sham.  Why would you lie about something like that?  There's no other skinny Chinese guys of my age on the same floor, so an honest mistake is out of the question.  Just say "Why, no!", we'll get the obligatory quick awkward handshake over with, and we can carry on with our lives.  WHY THE LIE!?!

- And finally...I gotta come clean and confess, because the guilt is killing me.  I've been stealing staples.  YES, I know...I don't deserve to live.  But all the staplers I have at home are empty, but here, I have all the staples I'll ever need or possibly want.  And seriously - I'm a web developer.  What the hell do I need staples for?  So I take some of them home with me, on days that I leave late.  I transport them in staplers tucked up my sleeve, so in case anyone catches me, I can whip 'em out and empty the clip at them Smithers-style while I make my getaway.  And then the next day I come to work with an empty stapler, with no one the wiser!  Yes, it's a dangerous life I lead...but then again...I'm a dangerous man.

"Sorry sir, this was all I could find.  Take that, and that!"
"...please don't waste those."

7/16/2004 01:42:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm back from that hellish backwater continent they call "Europe".  I'll try to get something up sometime, but if you believe Quentin Tarantino, then that's hardly a promise.  Don't know if this has been covered already, but I really don't care.  It's not like I have no life and will read through all the archives right after coming home (that's a lie).
 
So go over here.  Funny in the kick dog sort of way.  Try this, that, and the coup de gras (pardon me, I was in France a week ago) first.

7/15/2004 07:57:00 PM | Comments (0)

Been pretty slow in Yakville for the last couple of days - just the way I like it. Haven't found many interesting links lately, but this wouldn't be the first time (nor the last!) I've gone with subpar links in the interests of just getting a dang post up here. So let us begin!

Some no name town's no name newspaper's list of the 54 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time. No Van Damme? I've wasted your time.

Goldfish purses. I'm guessing those fish have a life expectancy of approximately three minutes. And these would probably have one of three strides.

And finally, no day is complete without a healthy dose of dead baby. MMMMhmmm.

"Uh, your fish are dead."
"Yeah, I know. I...can't get them out of there."

7/15/2004 11:20:00 AM | Comments (0)

Eat It

(soundtrack)
Eat It - Weird Al Yankovic

Eat It

7/14/2004 03:24:00 AM | Comments (0)

Got some wacky videos for you today. Nothing that great though, as it's been a pretty slow week.

First, let's start with some quick shots of random violence and pain - always a good idea.
ONE! - ...what fuck? Just plain dumb. Stereotypical whiteness at its finest my friends.
TWO! - An ambitious plan gone awry. You gotta respect what they were out to do though.
THREE! - Again, another noble ambition that they didn't really think through. Story of my life.

Then check out this clip from The Man Show where they give this kid a fake ID and see how much stuff he can buy. Hilarity readings reach mid-level at best, but I laughed at that treehouse line.

And then...this. I don't really get it, and I'm having a hard time in deciding whether to laugh at him, laugh with him, or even to laugh at all. It's obvious he's trying way too hard, but I don't know if that in itself is hilarious or just really queer. Lots of bits that just make you say "...what fuck...?" It says his site is down, but if you're a clever fellow (ie. me) you can get around it. And that's the terrifying part - when you realize he's just another stupid, attention whoring, skinny asian kid - just like I was/am/forever will be. Good Lord...am I like that? ...but worse? Help me...

7/13/2004 09:56:00 AM | Comments (0)

Fun new game I've found, a solid choice with which to waste away precious seconds of my life. Frankly, any game that features a Daft Punk soundtrack is A-okay in my book. Here's my high score so far. I'm confident I'm the best bubbler I know right now, though it wouldn't be the first time I've had my ass kicked at a game I've posted.

And uh...speaking of bubbles, I will now attempt to force a combo into the next link, going from bubbles to water, cancelled into silly pelicans.

And then from silly pelicans, juggle into dead pelicans, and call Dr. Doom anti-air assist into creepy electronic tombstones. I sure want one - I'll get my kids (ha!) to set-up it up so it's motion sensor activated. The possibilities are endless!

7/10/2004 12:36:00 PM | Comments (0)

(Before I start, I would just like to say that last night's game was the best one I've seen all year. ...which actually isn't say much. But that ninth inning was just crazy - you could tell the crowd started to build up during Berg's 13-pitch at-bat. It was so loud that it almost seemed the SkyDome was HALF FULL. Wowzers.)

It all started when I found this Lost Vikings demo on the Blizzard website. I don't remember much of it, but man...that game was fun. Spent a lot of time playing that when I was younger, even though I sucked at the game and I don't think I ever finished it. ...in fact, in the two times I've played this demo I've died at that same alien dude on the platforms and lost a viking. But it's just a link I can use to start off my post and the actual quality of the link doesn't matter and I am so rusty at this game so shut up!

Right. So I got a little taste of nostalgia, and as I am prone to do...I got completely drunk on it. This was most recently evident when the Transformers came back last year in comic book form, and I bought both covers of each issue...even though the books weren't really that good. Anyway...I did some diggin'...and I found the motherlode.

There isn't really any more to say, 'cept the mandatory listing of all the games I remember I used to play. Jill of the Jungle, Dangerous Dave, Harry Halloween, Jazz Jackrabbit, Commander Keen...damn, more alliterations than comics (Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Lana Lang...and that's just from Superman). But only the last two were any real fun. You're my BOY Keen! And of course, everyone knows Scorched Earth. I also vaguely remember Lemmings, where I had more fun letting them walk to their deaths than guide them to the promised land. And there was a DOS Die Hard game...but I couldn't figure out how to open doors, so I was perpetually stuck in the washroom. And shooting the urinal was only fun for a bit, because the glock only had so many bullets. Also the obligatory sport ones – I had a Michael Jordan vs. Larry Bird game, where the backboard would break on like every single dunk. That game was insane. But I liked my boxing one better (sadly I don’t remember the name), because you could kick the other guy in the balls when the ref wasn’t looking. Back then, I was absolutely convinced there was nothing else funnier in the entire world. And to be honest...I’m still not completely convinced today.

But my favourite was for sure Descent (scroll down a bit) which I remember had two sequels, all increasing logarithmically in ruleage.

I would have really liked to get my hands on the REAL old stuff though, even back before the P286 days. There was Frogger, Turret/Beachhead, and this other one where you had to catch the mugs of beer this bartender kept sliding down the bar. The bastard just wouldn’t stop. Anyone ever play those babies? Back when computers were still yellow and black, and games were on the 5¼" floppies? The "B:" drive!?! INSANITY.

Man, between these and the old SEGA Master system (I didn’t have NES because I was a fag)...it gets really hard to narrow down exactly when my life was ruined. But...damn. Good times. Good times.

7/09/2004 05:08:00 PM | Comments (0)

Going, Going...Gone

(soundtrack)
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand

Wednesday night I treated David to a Blue Jays game. He came out with my cousin, Derek and my model friend/basketball mentor, Cesar. It was one of the rare times where I let my worlds collide, but this was okay because he wasn't obligated to talk with Derek and Cesar and they were nice enough anyway. The game was good. It dragged a little because the Jays pulled ahead by a lot so the excitement wasn't there. However, Josh Phelps gave us a couple of jacks (home runs for you non-sports fans) including a grand slam. The first homer came after I saw a little info blip about how he's making a donation to charity for every homer he hits this season and I said, "Those kids are goin' hungry this year!" He shut me up real good. (Jays won 12-4)

The unequivocal highlight of the night: The FedEx Pope from Late Night With Conan O'Brien was there because he was involved in the "CN Tower vs. The Space Needle" skit (long story). The FUCKING FEDEX POPE!!! This is the same actor who plays countless classic Conan characters, including:

- Kneesock Jones
- Eyeballs O'Shaugnessy
- The Loser
- Preparation H Raymond
- The "YOU CAN GO TO HELL!" Guy

And I was like, 20 feet from the guy. I probably could have tossed something at him. The crowd booed the hell out of him and I screamed "FedEx Pope come back!!!" My life was forever changed after seeing him.

Did the last couple of paragraphs come off as a bad drug trip?

Today, Tanya left to go to Chicago. Yeah, I know, I know, why am I still talking about her? Well, I've been spending a lot of time around her over the last couple of weeks and now I regret that I hadn't been enjoying her company until then. Don't get me wrong, I knew all along that she was a great girl, but I felt so awkward about the fact that I had(have?) a thing for her so I could never have fun being around her. Finally, I'm starting to get over my inadequacy and she has to up and leave. She's going to be gone for two months. In a sense I'm happy about the whole thing. It was nice to watch everyone seeing her off and getting all emotional and hugging and all that...I didn't do any of that of course. But I miss her and I think it's a good sign that I'm capable of doing that. If that makes any sense.

I also met this girl named Rebecca today. This is kind of funny actually. I was looking for David, because we were going to go play some basketball this morning. When I got downtown, he wasn't there yet so I went to this building called Sidney Smith where everyone usually hangs out. I saw my friend Julie who was sitting across from some girl and I decided I'd sit with her until David arrived. So I'm sitting for about two minutes when Julie says, "Ok, I got to go to my class." And just like that, I'm suddenly alone with this attractive girl. Now what I should have done was offer to walk Julie to class, anything to get the hell out of there. But I didn't think at the time. So I sat down. I took a deep breath. And I tried to initiate normal human conversation.

It worked.

We talked about work and music and school and partying, you know, normal stuff. Except for me, it was like this big deal. I mean, I generally don't meet new people by myself. I usually meet them through another friend or at least I have another friend along to handle the meat of the conversation while I pepper it with my snarky comments. Not this time though, this time I had to handle all the heavy lifting. Somehow I pulled it off. We talked for 51(!) uninterrupted, silence-free minutes before David finally came. Admittedly, I was relieved when he arrived because I think I was running out of steam, but it was encouraging to see that I'm still capable of staying afloat when it comes to dealing with human beings. Sadly, it's unlikely I'll ever see her again.

David and I couldn't play basketball because the backboards weren't put down (WTF, mate?). So instead we worked out for a while. Then we hit the steam room (it's hot in there!) and the showers (stalls, thank Christ). It was a refreshing way to start off what turned out to be a pretty good, though a little sad, day.

Man, I wanted to use Take Me Out as the soundtrack to this post so bad, but I couldn't find a decent mp3. So I turn on the radio and the first song they play on the Edge? You damn right.

"Uh... you have any sugar around here?"
"Sugar? Sure. [fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar] There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?"
"Uh... I... no."

7/08/2004 06:20:00 PM | Comments (0)

As you (hopefully) can see, I did a little bit of tweaking to the site. Replaced some tables with <div>'s to organize the code a bit better so it can load faster...but I don't really think I accomplished anything. But I tucked away the tagboard now to make it a bit easier for our 800x600 friends - just click on "TAGBOARD" up there for the tagboard. It's brilliant, I know. If it doesn't work for you, then just drop me a line on the tagboard, and I'll get right on it! You know...I think I like it better with the tagboard off by default. But if you'd rather it be ON by default..."THEN YOU CAN GO TO HELL!"

Anyway, here's a few links. Interesting ideas that are completely useless, once you think about it.

- Lawn chairs...made out of YOUR LAWN. ...but why don't you just sit on the ground?

- Computers installed in surfboards...so you can surf while surfing? ...now that's just stupid. But I can't help but notice that the computers they're installing into the boards are better than the one I have at home. Maybe I should just buy a board...?

- Put porn (or whatever) on your calculator! Is this really necessary? COME ON.

7/08/2004 02:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oh baby. The player I hate the most is now on the team I hate the most. Nice of Ottawa to centralize my hate like that - very convenient for me. And that picture's gotta be the worse Photoshop job I've ever seen. All it's missing is some lens flare off his teeth or something.

So. It looks pretty fun, so I think I'm going to talk about my job too.

Our department just got a new hire. This...20-something blonde girl, and she moved right into my cubicle. And she was bugging me even before she arrived.

- She gets a brand new black DELL computer. I mean...I don't want to speak badly of my two year-old COMPAQ...but come on! I want a DELL too! Or at least that cool black optical mouse.

- She took my desk. I had to move, and they set up the new computer on my old desk. ...why? Why didn't they just set her up on the other desk? Why did I have to move!?!

- The boss took her out to lunch her first day. What the - I didn't get any lunch! I didn't even get to MEET the boss the first week. And apparently the department head went too. And I still haven't even SEEN the department head.

- Now with someone else in the same cubicle, I can't surf for gay porn anymore. FUCK BEANS.

- She's gotten invited to two meetings already, and I didn't. Oh come on! I realize I'm just a lowly student contract, but I'm STILL HERE FOR ANOTHER MONTH!

- She hates Chinese people. (...okay, I MAY have just made that up. And considering that I would still probably hate them more, I couldn't even really hold it against her.)

- And the real kicker...she's not that hot. I mean...if I were to have someone screw me over, at the very least, I would have a hot girl do it. Because then I could justify it to myself. ...but I can't. I got nothing!

And considering the little amount of work they give me to do, adding ANOTHER person to the department means there's going to be even less work to go around. Meaning...they probably won't extend my contract...which is bad.

Damn her! I bet I wouldn't need to deal with this drama if I was at "food Basic$". But then again...I would be working at "food Basic$." BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

"I would like to thank God for giving everyone so much...and me so little."

7/05/2004 11:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

Work It

(soundtrack)
Can't Nobody Hold Me Down - Puff Daddy f. Mase

Let me get the good stuff out of the way first.

Wednesday was great. I already knew it was going to be a good day because I was going to see Fahrenheit 9/11 with Angel, but then to later go out with the boys and watch Spiderman 2...that's just overwhelming.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Of all my university friends, Angel is the most ready and worthy to hang out with us (David is a close second). Whether that's a compliment to her or not, I'm unsure, but there it is. Seriously, walking around with her looking for chapstick shouldn't be so fun. Another activity I enjoyed exponentially more than hanging out and drinking with people Tuesday night.

And yeah, Spiderman 2 was tight. I think I still prefer the original X-Men (can't explain it) or Batman Returns (Michael Keaton, Christopher Walken and a frisky Michelle Pfeiffer in a catsuit: Damn). Something about the Spidey flicks don't quite click with me. They're good movies, great even, but in terms of sheer enjoyment, something's missing. It's me, I know.

Eileen's BBQ was cool. It dragged a little, but I think that tends to happen when you're around so many people that you're comfortable with. You don't feel the urge to try too hard to do anything. Eileen said it best, I think: "Is it a good thing that we're okay with doing nothing but sitting around and watching cartoons?" Yes, yes it is. It was real good to see her.

Today was a fokkin' tough day at work, let me tell you. Having a six day break really takes you out of your rhythm. I felt so sluggish and inefficient. One of my supervisors, this Chinese guy named Mike, seems disgusted by me. Everytime I ask him a question, he shoots me a look of sheer contempt. Good times.

I forgot my retractable knife at home today, so I had to borrow one from this guy named Steve. At one point, I lost this screw that holds the knife together. I dropped it through some grating, but I could still see it. So, channeling the usually unused Gifted/Enriched part of my brain, I fashioned a "snatching mechanism" using a steel hook that was being used to hold up packages of markers and tape that I had cut through to open a box (which was promptly followed by me losing the screw). It took some doin', but I got that screw out and everything turned out okay. However, the 15 or 20 minutes that it took to pull this off may explain why...

I worked an hour of overtime today, so I got out at about midnight. It was my fault. I was taking a long time to organize all this frozen food. It didn't help that my fingers were freezing off until I finally wised up and asked for some gloves. My night supervisor, this black guy named Ervin, was too understanding. He was all like, "It's okay, man, it's okay. In a month's time you'll be quicker than quick." I was thinking, "Damn, come on. Yell at me or something." I felt so bad. I didn't even get all my work done. It was like that feeling you get when you hand in an assignment late to a teacher and they tell you that they're not going to take any marks off. It's relieving, but you can't help but feel guilty.

About an hour before I got out, this cute blonde cashier chick comes up to me while I'm sorting things. She hands me a box of Sara Lee cake and says, "Ervin told me that I could give this to you to put back. This is your section, right?" So I say, "Er...yeah, yeah. I..okay, I'll find out where it goes...sure..." I start to get back to work, but not before she shoots me this smile. The kind of smile a girl gives a guy when she knows that she can make him do whatever she wants. I'm in high school all over again.

I only brought a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.

7/03/2004 01:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

So Spider-Man 2 was good stuff. And I felt I should talk about it, complete with big juicy spoilers.

Sure, some of the love scenes were ridiculously slow and awkward - but isn't that what love is really like!?! (someone answer that for me, since I personally have no idea) But Doc Ock's straight up PIMPNESS, the elevator scene, the "Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head" scene, and Ashy Larry's guest appearance more than balanced that out. Plus, the Alex Ross bits at the beginning were so very nice as well.

Best comic book movie EVAR? ...hard to say. But definitely possible, in my book. I'll have to get my paws on X2 and Batman again to make the call, while Spider-Man 2 is still fresh in my mind.

EDIT: Whoops - I was supposed to sneak this in when I mentioned Batman. But here's some interesting pictures I found on the Batman Begins site, which I refresh every thirty seconds. (All open in same new window!) Christian Bale (those curved ears are kinda weird...), Morgan Freeman (Lucius Fox), Gary Oldman (Lt. Gordon), Michael Caine (Alfred), and Liam Neeson (Henri Ducard - no idea who that is).

And I'm officially calling it - Venom AND Green Goblin for the next one. John Jameson will be Venom, and the alien suit will make its appearance as some random goop stuck to the side of NASA/Oscorp's new experimental spacecraft. The first scene of the movie will feature John Jameson crash landing the ship in New York, and needing rescuing from Spider-Man. Who then either touches or bleeds upon the alien goop while saving the ship, the gook becomes spider goop, bonds with Jameson somehow, drives him insane, and VOLIA - Venom! Or maybe have Spidey run around a bit with the new suit first. Either way, I'm a genius. So remember - I'm calling it. When you see all this stuff in Spider-Man 3, remember this post. However, I feel that it is only fair to remind you that I think I officially called that the 2003 Blue Jays would make the playoffs.

But I'm pretty happy with 2 - even if they left out guys like Venom or Electro or Mysterio...I wouldn't really mind. But oh man...imagine if they had Captain America...

How convenient for me then, that a Spider-Man & Captain America movie has already been made! Except that it's Turkish. And that it's more like Spider-Man VS. Captain America. And that Spidey is apparently a "sadistic evil villain." Seriously. No kiddin'.

Why, Spider-Man? Why? My favourite part's gotta be the bit with the woman in the shower - Spider-Man's handing out rape dollars as if money ain't a thang. It's brilliant stuff. So let me just say...if you don't think this is the greatest movie ever...I will fight you. That's no lie.

NOW ON TO ANCHORMAN!!!

7/02/2004 02:18:00 PM | Comments (0)