Movie trailers hold a special place in my heart. There's a special art in distilling like two hours worth of movie into a minute or thirty second long trailer that just doesn't get recognized enough.

Furthermore, it's great fun when you find those trailers for a movie...that are really for a different movie altogether. I don't think anyone has or ever will again touch the glory of the Solsbury Hill assist knock-out at the end...by God bless 'em for trying all the same.

- The Office as a murder mystery? Whatever, roll with it. The great thing with these is that while they're not particular that great (just seems like splicing similar type scenes together, with no real order like in real trailers) it's fun to see how many bits you can spot and identify from the regular episodes.

- Now do it with Seinfeld. I like how he spliced in that bit into the anti-dentite part. ...and is that éclair a bomb? That's awesome.

- And then Ferris Bueller's Day Off as a Terminator sequel. Rooney as R:1000 is pretty fun, but that's about it - this is good just because of the hereditary goodness that the original movie passed onto it. You're just remembering how good the original Ferris Bueller's Day Off was all throughout this trailer anyway.

- I mean...even SNL's doing it. Always funny. You can't miss with those jokes.

See...this is why Grindhouse is going to be so awesome.

...but really this entire post was just to give me an excuse to give you the ol' 1-2 with Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary.

What is the scientific purpose of this post?

...revenge.

1/28/2007 02:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ah, good old Richmond Hill High School. The fun just never stops with you.

I know how it feels, man. The administration wasn't very eager to approve our after school Counter-Strike club proposal either.

I also found particular interest in this bit as well...

"Ms Chan believes the new group will be one that can encompass everyone and added that she has received sound advice on the issue from gay staff members."

I mean...it's been awhile since I escaped...but they still have a lot of the same administration and staff there.

...

Mr. Laville?

(Haha, an RHHS inside joke that only I will get. I love it!)

The room's startin' to spin...'cause of all the gayness.

1/24/2007 11:40:00 PM | Comments (0)

But This Could Work For A CBS Dram-edy

I'm Looking Through You - The Wallflowers

Yeah, so the Elena thing didn't work out. Too bad for me. That doesn't mean I was going to shirk my other social responsibilities for the week.

I told Max that I would go play basketball with him and his people at the Thornhill Community Centre Tuesday night and indeed I did, even though I was still reeling from the Elena effects (or lack thereof). What was social about this you ask? Going meant that I had to have a reunion with Mike (Laughlin) and Nathan (Appleton) of MDHS fame. I have mixed feelings about those two. On the one hand, I always felt like they were two fringe cool guys who hung out with Max and I because we were two goofy a-holes and we all liked the Raptors. I also perceived that there was a lack of respect there. Not that there was any reason they should respect me, but still. On the other hand, we had some genuinely good times. We share the same kind of juvenile humour and made a lot of jokes about owing each other sexual favours. If that's not a true friendship, what is?

As soon as I entered the gym I gave them the usual "Hey, haven't seen you in a few years" head nod. I turned around to put my stuff down and Mike surprised me with a bearhug. His homoerotic gesture was greatly appreciated. From there, there wasn't much time to talk during the games, but I can safely say that it was good to see them again and I look forward to talking to them more in the next few weeks.

After the late night basketball, I was kind of drained and had a bit of a headache. Not that that stopped me from staying up until the wee hours in the morning playing NBA 2K7. None of this would have mattered if I didn't have to have lunch with Caroline Walker today. I strongly thought about calling it off so I could sleep in. I'm so glad I didn't.

I ended up being an hour late, but I'd called her before so she didn't mind. Lunch itself was pleasant, if boring. She was reluctant to talk to me about her latest male pursuit because we were eating in the cafeteria at her residence and she was concerned about who might know him there. Also, he apparently passed right by me at one point and I didn't even know. Whatever. Afterwards, we went back up to her room and her door knob was jammed for some reason so we had to wait half an hour for a custodian to show up. She ended up jimmying it open without his help anyway. When we got into her room, I told her that it reeked of "feminine independence".

Audrey Hepburn poster. Book of eighteenth century women's poetry. The Very Best of Sheryl Crow CD. A real chick's chick.

We sat around for an hour as she talked to me about the guy and made me look at Facebook pictures of him. It wasn't a great time, but then this Beyoncé song began to play on her internet radio station and she started dancing. She's got some moves! And it was funny because she has this fan in her room that, as far as I can tell, is strictly there for posing purposes. She turned that thing on and started grooving in front of it. It was ridiculous, but entertaining. She can be so serious sometimes that I'm surprised when she shows off this cool, playful side. She was a lot of fun to be around today.

The good vibes continued as I went shopping with her. Oh, you've probably noticed that there's a noticeable absence of school in this post. She made me skip my tutorial because she's the devil. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I ended up helping her shop for dresses and tops, which was far more valuable for my education in my opinion. There are some things you can't learn in class. Like, what kind of shoes go with a cream coloured dress. And whether a top is showing enough "cha-cha" (cleavage, I think?). Do I even need to tell you that we shopped for almost two hours and she ended up buying the first dress she tried on anyway? Well, I just did. Still, it was enjoyable. I'll never understand why any straight man would object to following an attractive woman around and watch her try on clothes. Not to mention a lot of the clerks in those shops are hot as hell. Not that I would look while I was in the company of another female. *ahem*

The best part was that believe I provided some, er, "not useless" insight. At least compared to some of the other guys. Like at the first store we went to, this guy was giving advice to his girlfriend and everytime she popped out of the change room he was just like, "Pretty good, pretty good." What a d-bag. I was commenting on the colours and how club appropriate the attire was and helping to zip her up. And I didn't even use the words "fabulous" or "georgeous" once. Is there a better "guy friend" than me? I've got to be one of the best, right? Right.

I really needed that kind of outing today though. Good conversation, lots of running around and making me feel useful, random stupidity. It was good to get my confidence back after yesterday. There was no connection with Elena at all and I thought my game was suffering, but today was much better. There was a real flow to everything, you know?

The day was wrapped up by my most painful social obligation of the week. Having to watch Beauty and the Geek with Shirley! Ugh. Forcing me to watch that dreadful show, with its hilarious dialogue and undeniably amusing challenges. And all those beautiful women! Gah! She's lucky I'm her friend, otherwise there's no way I would have put up with the thrilling makeover episode today that had me on the edge of her couch. No way! All sarcasm aside, I was kind of perturbed today because my girl, the wonderfully bitchy (and wonderfully HAWT) Andrea got eliminated. Seriously, why do I even bother breathing any more?

Hello mother. So nice to hear your voice. No, I am not on anything. I know that things have been difficult for you lately and I was thinking, 'you carried me for nine months, let me carry you now'...uh huh...well, right back at you Coleen! Yeah, that's right! You cut Pop's balls off and left him in the street to die!

1/17/2007 09:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

Not Exactly The Stuff Of Great Romance

If You Tolerate This Then The Children Will Be Next - Manic Street Preachers

The big meeting with Elena was a big bust. There, I said it. It was the Michael Olowokandi of social encounters. It was the Todd Van Poppel of meetings. It was the Ryan Leaf of get togethers. And yet I can't say that I'm disappointed.

The day was off to a bad start as soon as my foot hit downtown. I called her to find out where she was as she had not replied to my second e-mail concerning whereabouts we should meet and she sounded surprised to hear me. "Did you come down here just to meet up?" she asked.

"Uh, well, no. Not exactly. I mean, there's other stuff I have to do, I guess." I hemmed and hawed.

After some more awkward dialogue, she informed me she'd be at Sid's Cafe and I promptly jogged there. Bad sign #2: She was already eating with her friend Irena. Again, I wasn't exactly expecting this to be a "date", but I'd hoped to have some one on one time with her so I could get to know her better. No such luck. It wasn't an unpleasant scenario, but it wasn't what I was looking for. After a quick bite, she informed me that she had to go to the Sick Kid's Hospital and I offered to walk her there. Perfect opportunity for some conversation, right? Heh.

As soon as we leave the eatery she tells me she needs to make a quick call. Suffice to say, she spends the whole walk talking on her cell phone. I understand it was business, but ouch, that one still hurt. Anyway, she says the hospital trip is cancelled for now and she's just going to go to the library to study. Completely devoid of logic, I decide to study with her. "Study with her" roughly translates to "sit across from her in silence as I read my book and she worked on her presentation that was due tomorrow". At the very least, she must have appreciated that I didn't try to distract her. Whoopee for me.

Finally, she had to go to class and I realized this would be my last chance to walk with her and potentially invite her to see Justin Timberlake. At last, some one on one time! It was not all that I had hoped. You could almost hear a faint fizzling in the air. Our discussion was so pedestrian, so...polite. I imagined her speaking to me as she would to any random chink that happens to cross her path. What did I expect? That we'd hit it off right away? Well, no. But I'd hoped that she'd be at least as fun to be around as she was during Orientation Week. No such luck. Fortunately, I've come to accept the fact that she is a busy, busy girl and likely has her own circle of friends that she goes to for comfort. She certainly seems to have no time for a relationship and even more certainly, no time for a relationship with moi. She ended our meeting with a "keep in touch", which roughly translates to "See ya around dick face!" Or something to that effect.

Pretty boring, eh? I'd been looking forward to that for months. Imagine how I feel.

NEXT!

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption.
You think if it's a girl you'd doink her.
I know I would.

1/17/2007 11:18:00 AM | Comments (0)

Apparently...this will be The WAMBAG's 1,002nd post. I didn't even really notice the 1,000 milestone, but that's fitting in a way, because that's not what we're about. We're not about the numbers. We're about winning a championship...together.

To quote the great Tracy McGrady in those awesomely ridiculous Adidas commercials...you were fooled. Even when I lead the league in scoring in 2003 although my team went 21-61 as a whole and I selfishly demanded a trade...you were fooled. Because you thought it was about me. I believe in five.

Usually when comic book series hit milestone numbers like 25, 100, or 600 they do something big to shake it up, even though the fact that they made it to a milestone number speaks more to the longevity and success of the current and past strategies than it does for the need for up-shaking. Sometimes they change to a new creative team, kick-off or pay-off a big story that reveals dark secrets from a main character's past, or they kill a character off in an ambigous explosion that leaves the door open for a later return (ie. "It was just a Skrull imposter!").

The WAMBAG #1,000 THIS MILESTONE ISSUE, FEATURING A BRAND NEW CREATIVE TEAM: One of The WAMBAG dies tonight! Does Emu finally get his powers back? A new evil from Yak's past arrives to torment him! Will Big AL finally find true love? Or will Max's jealous hatred get in the way? And Sheep deals with the consequences of taking a man's life in a journey that will change The WAMBAG universe forever. Part 5 of 5. 32 PGS/Rated R...$0.00

But since we missed the boat on the 1,000th, it's just business as usual.

Here's to another 1,002!

"God, I'm so embarrassed."
"You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90 minute long gay joke. It was like watching Batman & Robin all over again."

1/15/2007 10:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

I quite enjoyed this video of Elmo having a heart attack.

1/12/2007 04:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

Back On The Saddle

Here It Goes Again - OK Go

My mood seems to be back on the upswing. I figure there's a few reasons why this is happening. For one thing, I'm obviously a psychopath. But you knew that already. It also helps that Jess has been listening to me complain for the last week or so about...well, nothing in particular. I can imagine how irritating that must have been for her. Being back in school is nice. As you all know, it's never good when someone like myself is left to their own devices for too long. I crave structure. Watching Beauty And The Geek with Shirley is a fun new tradition. A tradition that will last a total of two weeks since she's leaving the country soon, but fun and new nevertheless. Plus, I don't have any assignments due for, like, a month so I'm free to do nothing for a while. It's good to be me.

I probably should have seperated all of that stuff, but I hate making short one-sentence paragraphs.

I also had a fleeting moment of glory in one of my classes today. I was worried about my lectures today because I hadn't done any of the reading, which is always an awkward experience. Inevitably, the teacher asks a question and nobody wants to answer and I think to myself, "Damn it, if I'd just done the reading I could save us all from this horrible silence." Well, I got away with it today. Professor Johnstone was asking us for specific examples of how Chapter 17 in Adam Bede is significant in determining the validity of realism in fiction (I know, you don't care). It seemed obvious to me and I wanted to make at least one comment during the class so I just put my hand up and said "Chapter 17 declares itself as a break from the main narrative. Its very presence forces us to question the fidelity of the rest of the novel." (or something like that) He approved, not only by telling me that I was right but he actually said, "Did everybody hear that?" and then made sure that everyone understood and recorded the genius that was my comment. I zoned out for the next hour and a half. My work was done. I have to pat myself on the back and say that I seem to have a knack for these moments in that particular class. One spot-on comment and I'm done. I'm just like George in that Seinfeld episode The Burning, where he tries to end all his social encounters on a high note.

It is also possible that my improved disposition COULD have something to do with Elena finally e-mailing me back and agreeing to meet me at noon next Tuesday. Probably not though. Tee hee.

By the way, Spiders On Drugs.

I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
And then?
I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.
I can't just leave.
That's the way they do it in Vegas.
You never played Vegas.
I hear things.

1/12/2007 04:48:00 AM | Comments (0)

I thought I'd start off this installment of Choking Yak's Provoking Facts (still can't even type that with a straight face) with a random musing of mine, brought on by this office space I now inhabit. I often wonder...if half & half is a mixture of half 10% cream and half 2% milk...shouldn't it just be called like...6% cream? Doesn't make sense to me. Like that subway advertisement a ways back for Wonderland's Fear Fest that went "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" So like...scared three quarters to death? (Or would it be scared one quarter to death? What does the "to death" bit refer to?)

Nothing makes sense in this world.

- A big thanks to my cousin who emailed me a neato 2 for 1 movie coupon, which you are rewarded with after entering a contest. It very pleased me. I know for a fact that my time is so valuable and scarce that I couldn't be bothered to enter that contest, and apparently neither was she, nor the person that originally forwarded that email to her after receiving it from the original contest participant. You are now officially four degrees away from someone who actually entered the contest, yet your reward is just as rewarding as the original first degree reward. That's how the world works - one guy does all the work, and the rest of us reap the benefits through the power of the internet.

- Very nice of Gilbert Arenas in his infinite generosity to spare us a win, a night after celebrating his 25th birthday with a Diddy-hosted-2,500-invitee-party. I am particularly impressed by the ice sculpture in his likeness, but unfortunately that picture is not really pre-meltage. By the way, I always like to say his nickname like this.

Here's that Esquire interview with him I keep talking about. Tons of highlights, but here's one in particular...

"On the road, I eat hamburgers every day. The team tries to get me to eat differently, but no. Burgers, burgers, burgers. I like burgers. McDonald's burgers. Wendy's burgers. Burger King burgers. There's this one place in Canada—I even look at the schedule to find out when we play there—best burger I've ever tasted. Real soft and sweet. I ate twelve of them in one night."

And just for kicks, here's an article about him setting up a high altitude oxygen tent in his house. Gilbert Arenas is completely insane, and probably everyone but AL's favourite NBA player.

- Young Folks by Peter Bjorn And John. Now I might not know much (ie. nothing at all) about music...but HOLY SHIT that is insidious. They need to just ban the use of whistling hooks, because it's fucking broken and it makes me feel like a complete loser because I can't whistle. Also, air bongos are probably the easiest air instruments to play (NBC took down the YouTube link, along with Sheep's Norm links unfortunately). You just kinda...wave your hands in the air a lot.

The album Writer's Block is dick exploding good, in case you were wondering.

- More musack! We're about three months too late for the World Series, but some songs are timeless. Like...for example...a Detroit Tigers themed rewrite of Sexyback entitled...Tigerback? If you make it through without vomiting in horror, then you're a stronger man than I. Make no mistake - it's terrible. Not even "so terrible that it's wonderful again" but in fact "so terrible that it approaches wonderful but completely overshoots it back into terrible making it terrible to the exponent of terrible territory."

Stay tuned for tomorrow for a post about why I hate carrots - because they taste bad!

...

Actually that kinda gave it away. I guess no carrot post tomorrow then.

"Simpsons scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!"
"Hey, that's a half-truth!"

1/08/2007 04:42:00 PM | Comments (0)

An Exhausting Vacation

Chips Ahoy! - The Hold Steady

The problem with writing during these long breaks, aside from the ever present axiom of "if you're living your life, you find yourself with no time to write about it", is that events start to pile up in your mind and you keep telling yourself that you should sit down and dedicate a post to each of them. Rarely does that happen and you usually end up sitting around doing nothing and letting all these good ideas slowly vanish. Here is the residue of the last three or four weeks.

*****

If you had told me that the Toronto Raptors would be four games under .500 after 29 games I would have definitely believed you. Thus, if you had told me they would be leading the Atlantic Division after 29 games I would have definitely not believed you. And yet, somehow both statements are true.

*****

Seeing Emily Haines again was wonderful. I think from now on I shall refer to her as Emily in these posts. I don't know any Emilys, but I would like to. Emily's voice is so pretty. There isn't much of a difference between listening to her songs live and listening to the record, especially since she plays the songs in album order every time, but there is something special about seeing and hearing her live. She definitely has presence and I find her heroin-chic build surprisingly attractive.

*****

I finally got to play Natasha's song for her. It was fulfilling. The moment was far from perfect as I'd like to have played it for her and maybe some of her friends or something. Plus, we'd just come back from watching Charlotte's Web (good movie) and I was feeling more like a nap than a performance. There was some "hype" around the occasion as well as it had been a couple of years since I first told her that I would be working on a song about her. That two years breaks down into about a year and a half of not thinking about it, a few months of working on a song which I ended up scrapping and about one week of real, genuine writing that came to me as if of its own will. The creation was probably more enjoyable than the unveiling, but she was happy with it and that's good enough for me.

She spent the rest of the night watching Beauty And The Geek and complaining about her boyfriend, El Carlos (I added the "El"). Apparently El Carlos is unfunny, is not intimate enough for her and has no ambition. They have been dating for about six months now and she sees no end in sight even though she is apparently sticking with him because she feels sorry for him. She insists it has nothing to do with a fear of being alone, but I'm skeptical. Maybe the situation isn't so bad and she just needed to get all that out of her system. Maybe she went to see him the next day and everything was fine.

It warrants mentioning that most of the night was spent with the two of us sharing a couch (head to toe of course) and a blanket. I was also constantly asked to bring her various food stuffs and seemingly always when I was getting comfortable. In between trips to the fridge and cursing myself for being such a push-over, I attempted to take solace in the belief that this is all part of my endless boyfriend training. That helps me sleep at night.

*****

New Year's Eve wasn't as interesting as last year (see Big Al Post #147: New), but that was a good thing. It was kind of Winnie, Lee and Julius (who all know each other through the same friend) to invite me to come downtown, but I went to chill with the fam instead. That's right, as much as I complain about having to see my family every other week, I decided I'd be happiest spending time with them instead of going downtown with a large group of people and getting rained on. I've never done the downtown thing, but I imagine my usual search for someone to kiss on New Year's Eve would be multiplied tenfold if I was forced to share that experience with the denizens of Toronto. Besides, I could bring my Xbox 360 to my cousin's house so it was as good as staying home, which is something I really want to do one year.

*****

I am grateful that people occasionally choose to come to me for advice on various problems in their lives. That has occured often enough over the last few weeks. I'd like to say that my wisdom has enlightened the existences of all who come before me, but the truth is that I've been so screwed up in the head lately (for reasons that I can't even fully comprehend) that any advice I might have to give is essentially useless. Frankly, I've been selfish lately. It's one thing to not give advice, it's another thing to not WANT to give advice and it's another thing entirely to give BAD advice. I've been doing (or not doing) all three of those things. Last Friday was bad. I took this four hour nap after our little high school reunion (which was, in truth, a lot of fun) and that was one of the highlights of my holiday. I just wanted to shut down from the rest of the world. I feel guilty about that, but there it is. The other highlight was this brief fifteen minute walk I took to Shirley's house the other day. It was raining a little and I was listening to Stars and Rachael Yamagata and all that jazz. I was at peace. That's all I seem to want these days.

These are not my best moments.

Just falling--I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I remember, "Holy shit. Hansel...haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
And?
It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mt. Vesuvius.

1/07/2007 07:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

I actually believe my exact quote when I posted that Undefeatable video clip was "best fight scene of all time". Which would have been more accurate.

Been very lazy with updates lately. And it's not even like I don't have anything to post. I got at least like half a dozen links to throw up and like a half written post about nothing stored in a rants.txt file on my desktop. It would only really require the effort of some copying and pasting and picking a random Ferrellism or Van Dammage bit to cap it off with.

...and yet...here we are.

So a quick 70% awesome bit here, and then right back to mathematically impossible 110% awesome posts immediately afterwards, I swear.

Anyway, first post of 2007 so I'm obligated to mention something about the newness of the year. I guarantee you have been hearing this bit once a year since Windows 95 came out. (So...1994.)

Want to know my New Year's resolution? Of course you do!

Gilbert!

1/05/2007 04:46:00 PM | Comments (0)