Good news, because the only reason I haven't had sex with Jessica Alba yet is because I was afraid she would make a whole deal out of that morning after scene.

DIIIIIIEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!

"I think he's using the dice move a bit too much."
"I think that's pretty much all he's got."

6/29/2007 04:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Provoking Facts!

- I have no idea where else to put this, so I'll just run with it here. I had dinner with another of my old high school friends, Michele, over the weekend. I rather enjoyed this one as well, and I didn't have the sporadic panic attacks like I did last time before lunch with Lin. I think it's mostly because during that lunch, I managed to prove to myself that I wasn't a completely lost cause - that I could still relate to normal members of human society, and specifically Richmond Hill High School alumni. So I felt better about myself going into dinner with Michele, and I think that was a big factor in helping me get through it without freaking out.

I also think the fact that I was coming from a relaxing, alcohol-filled afternoon barbeque minimized the number of opportunities I had to freak out.

Disappointingly, I think dinner slowed down a lot once we ran out of old high school stories to retell (there weren't many). I think whatever casual friendship we had in high school has just been rendered even smaller and more insignificant by all the experiences we've had on our own in the last five years...which may sound depressing, but it isn't. It's just life. But I was having trouble keeping things rolling, and the pauses got longer between topics...and I started considering exit strategies and the very real probability that I would never see her again after this.

But halfway through dinner, I accidentally tipped my glass of Coke over into my lap...and at that point, I just wrote up my ability to impress her as a lost cause. I had absolutely nothing left to lose after that point. So no more pressure, and suddenly I clicked into the next gear. I started immediately - went with the old solid scramble-to-pick-it-up-then-chin-in-hand-and-pretend-it-didn't-happen move, and I was on fire for the rest of the way. I think I managed to rally back to make it a pretty decent showing for the Yakster.

So I think maybe I'll drop her an email in another five years - I honestly think I've had all the Richmond Hill High School nostalgia that I can handle for the foreseeable future anyway.

Dinner with Lin on Monday. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Now here's some links.

- Airline complaint letter. I guess toilet humour is always funny. And that's what we're all about here.

- Authorities have blocked a couple's bid to officially name their new son "4real" - I don't think anything more needs to be said about that one.

- No link, I'm just pausing mid-post to ramble about something insane that just popped into my head. I imagine that somewhere, locked up in some impenetrable underground vault, there's a folder or a briefcase that contains every message they put in fortune cookies or Jones soda bottles. And I also imagine that there's at least one man in the world that knows every single one of those messages. And that must suck. Big time. Because there's no surprise for him any more - he'll just look at the first word of every fortune cookie message he gets, and know the rest. "Oh, it's message 5-B again - 'Kill your wife.' Lucky numbers 3, 14, 56, 78, blah, blah, blah. God, this sucks big time, because there's no surprise for me." There's no joy of discovery.

But I still really want to sneak into that vault and look at all the different fortune cookie messages they have. Anyway...back to the links!

- 72-year-old fights off pickpocket. My question is...why is a 72 year-old buying lottery tickets? How many years you think you have left to enjoy that jackpot, especially if you're the type of crazy old man willing to tango with 27 year-old thugs? God, I hate old people - when I turn 30, I just want someone to smother me with a pillow as I lie in a hospital bed. Because obviously once I turn 30, I'll have to be hospitalized for chronic oldness.

- Mom fatally stabbed in argument over dishes. ...yeah, I hate doing the dishes too. (God, why am I joking about this!?!) The most depressing thing about this one is that he's not some stupid kid - he's 23 years old, so you can't even blame society for this one if you wanted to. Anyway, here's some bits from the director's cut that didn't make the final edit of this blog post.
- Those cops really burst his bubble.
- Those cops really dished out some justice.
- Too bad, because now he'll get plenty of soap in prison.
- Who's washed up now?
- Who's the scrub now?
- Guess he wasn't wishy washy about that one.

...why am I doing this...?

- And here's another grisly tale of murder that all works out in the end.

"Hi Hell."
"No!"
"I've got someone coming to you."
"I don't want to go to Hell!"

6/28/2007 05:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just to get this in here quickly so that no one beats me to it. The next and final round between Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's daughter Pearl...Good Cop, Baby Cop.

More of the same, except I think they tried to push the absurdity of the setup even more in this one. Good stuff.

I would also like to take this opportunity to once again reassure everyone that I actually do indeed do lots of...work things...at work. I swear.

If there had been a lawyer here, we would have all gone to jail.

6/27/2007 10:15:00 AM | Comments (0)

Softball Report!

It seems strange that for all the rules lawyering we did throughout the year, the one rule we didn't know was like the most important one. Apparently playoff rounds only go two deep, and the seeding goes 1 to 4 and 5 to 8, not 1 to 8.

Meaning since we finished 5th...the most we could play for was 5th place. So the time honoured practice of professional sports in coasting until we got to the playoffs didn't really payoff, since we didn't get a shot at a championship.

We won't screw around next season like we did this one.

And we're going to kill the next time around too, because now we've finally shifted into gear and we're playing for real, as opposed to before, when we were pretend playing.

Day at the plate!
Bottom 2nd: RBI single to center.
Bottom 4th: Triple to right, took home on the throw.
Bottom 6th: Popped out to first.
I want to say that I homered again, but it was a pitiful flare that blooped into shallow right, and honestly shouldn't have been anything more than a single. Ah, only in softball can you stretch a single into a home run. I think, very briefly, while I was rounding second, I remembered how it felt to be fast again. I can't tap into it any more...but for a moment there, I saw it - glimmering, on the edge of my vision, like the air above scorching hot pavement...I saw the Speed Force again. Just for a second.

And then I almost tripped and fell on my face, and had to remind myself that I'd never be that young and carefree again.

But feels good to win. Overall, our season finished at 4-4 - which I honestly don't think is too bad, considering the troubles we were having at the beginning of the year. I think our midseason trade is what turned everything around...

Choking Yak (OF) + Big AL (SS) for Big AL (OF) + Choking Yak (SS)

Whenever you can ship off two disgruntled, malcontent clubhouse cancers for two positive, team first Gold Glovers...well...you just gotta make that move.

Yak, Choking (SS)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  1  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  2  3   1  0  0   0 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  2   1  0  0   1 1
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  1  2   0  0  0   2 0
June 17 CCP      W 21-10  5  2  4   1  1  1   2 0
June 23 SMM      W 20-9   3  1  2   0  1  0   1 0

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
7  26  8  17  3  2  1   8 1  .654  .731  1.038 1.769

AL, Big (OF)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  0  3   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  1  3   1  1  0   3 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   1  0  0   0 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  3   1  0  0   1 0
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  3  2   0  0  0   0 0
June 17 CCP      W 21-10  6  3  4   1  0  0   2 0
June 23 SMM      W 20-9   4  3  4   0  0  0   0 0

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
7  28  11 21  4  1  0   7 0  .750  .857  .964  1.821

AL's .750 average has got to lead the team, if not the league. He has thoroughly outhit me from an average perspective, although I surprisingly lead him in power, resulting in only a difference of 0.052 points in OPS. Though if you subscribe to the (correct) new school ideal that triples are more of an indicator of speed than power...then it's not as close. Regardless, check out our Isolated Power (ISO or IsoP) stats which take empty, inflated batting averages out of the equation - .384 versus .214.

For your reference, those are good for 1st and 35th respectively in the league today.

Yeah, AL's gonna get the big overpriced contracts from the Cubs or the Yankees...but some smart GM like Billy Beane's gonna see me toiling away in the minors and sign me for peanuts...and we'll both contribute similar win share totals in the majors. I'm going to be the next Jack Cust! And that's what really matters in the end, right? Team success versus individual glory. Hurray team!

I'm already itching to get back out there. Good thing the next "season" starts in two weeks. And we're going to be the next beginner's co-ed self-pitch softball champions.

"Would you care to bet a million dollars on that?"
"Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting!"
"What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you?"
"Oh, did you say a million? I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes. Yes, certainly, a million would be fine."

6/26/2007 02:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ah, 10:30 AM on a lazy weekday at work. Prime blogging time!

Remember Chez, the fourth man of The Lonely Island guys? Of course you do.

Check out this video, which starts as an innocent tour of his apartment, but then (predictably so) jumps up a notch. Also, this nice behind the scenes feature for the scoring of Hot Rod. This is ridiculous, because despite the absolute lack of content, he still manages to squeeze a minute and a half out of your life. And if you can't respect that, then I don't know what's up with you.

For some reason Chez reminds me of like an even more insane version of AL's cousin Derek. Except Chez has never threatened to physically destroy me if I messed up in one of our softball games. Anyone else share this sentiment? I'm the only one? What's the deal?

By the way, Hot Rod's got the stank of excellence all over it. Screw the haters...aka Max Snax of Ajax, who specifically said, VERBATIM..."This is the worst movie of all time and I will not watch it also my name is Max Wong and I really did say these exact words also I have sex with men and enjoy it." It's got Will Arnett AND The Final Countdown, son!

Also, another new Derrick Comedy sketch. Again, it starts with a small bit that just (predictably so) keeps escalating and escalating. Always quality. And I think you could use that ending for pretty much any skit. Like, sub it into any random SNL bit over like the last thirty years, and it still works. Good stuff.

"Hey Rod, maybe you shouldn't fight Dad this week."
"Relax Kev, I'm gonna win this time. I did like 40 crunches yesterday."

6/22/2007 10:43:00 AM | Comments (0)

Softball Report!

Very excellent day - our offense exploded in a thorough 21-10 win in our first playoff game.

Day at the plate!
Bottom 1st: Double to right.
Bottom 2nd: Solo home run to right.
Bottom 4th: Popped out to first.
Bottom 5th: Triple to center.
Bottom 6th: Single to center.
Yes, that's right - I hit for the cycle, son! I remarked on this to Caesar who was coaching first when I hit my single, and he just scoffed at me because he had already hit three home runs at that point, with like 15 RBI's or something. But you know what? Screw him. Three home runs ain't SHIT. I hit for the motherfucking CYCLE, son.

In nearly 150 years in the history of professional baseball, only 275 players have hit for the cycle. By comparison, 10 players hit three home runs in a game last season alone, and already two have had three homer games this year (Carlos Lee vs. Philadelphia on April 13, and Alfonso Soriano vs. Atlanta on June 8). So forget that dude - I'm much more special.

Now if he had smacked four homers, things may have been different. Only 15 players have had four homer games.

Interesting to note that back in 1932 against the Philadelphia A's, Tony Lazzeri managed to hit for a natural cycle (doing it in order, starting with a single and ending with a home run - there have only been 14 natural cycles) and his home run was a grand slam (only 6 cycles have included grand slams) - the only player in baseball history to have a natural cyclic grand slam.

However, his teammate Lou Gehrig also hit four home runs in the same game, overshadowing Lazzeri's unique feat.

So you know what? Forget Lou Gehrig too, that bum.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...stats! AL, I left the receipt in my car, so I'm doing this from memory. Feel free to edit this if I got your runs or RBI's wrong.

Yak, Choking (SS)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  1  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  2  3   1  0  0   0 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  2   1  0  0   1 1
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  1  2   0  0  0   2 0
June 17 CCP      W 21-10  5  2  4   1  1  1   2 0

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
6  23  7  15  3  1  1   7 1  .652  .739  1.000 1.609

AL, Big (OF)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  0  3   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  1  3   1  1  0   3 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   0 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  3   1  0  0   1 0
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  3  2   0  0  0   0 0
June 17 CCP      W 21-10  6  3  4   1  0  0   2 0

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
6  24  8  17  3  1  0   7 0  .708  .833  .917  1.750

Next, the team that beat us 25-13. Can't nobody hold us down.

"Strawberry, hit the showers. I'm calling in a pinch hitter."
"But I've hit nine home runs today!"

6/20/2007 11:45:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is about a year old and may seem a bit random at first, but check out this old entry of an USATODAY.com blog discussing the CNN story uncovering Lance Bass' (literal) gayness and it's shockwaves throughout the online blogging world. Now read the second paragraph, about how bloggers are linking to the news just to say it's not news. Do you see that "'Get ready for the shock of your life,' says the sarcastic 10th" sentence? Check out that "says" link, and see where it points to.

(Here's a spoiler: IT POINTS TO HERE!!!)

We're the sarcastic 10th blogger! In case you were curious, here's the actual archived post from way back in July 26, 2006. Just read through some of the other posts we put up that month...I can't believe they actually linked to such an inappropriate site.

I'm going to go home and tell my mom I was published in USA TODAY. And then I'll change the topic if she asks for details.

Anyway...Mac or PC and What You Know About Math by TI-84 featuring E.

Despite the better lyrics, flow, dancing, and production value - I still personally like the latter more just because of their sheer unbridled ambition. How can you seriously expect someone to get the original song parody and all the natural log and sig-fig references at the same time? And if anything, the campiness just adds to it all.

They're hanging on by a very thin thread...and I DIG that about them!

And lastly, a Nike commercial formed by splicing together various Tom Cruise clips. Surprisingly good. And you also get to play that game where you try to name as many bits as you can. Fun stuff.

Candy on the '64
Leather guts and fish bowl
50 on the pinky ring just to make my fist glow

6/18/2007 09:05:00 PM | Comments (0)

This Lin girl from my dark, mysterious past is coming back into my life. And I am suddenly very nervous about meeting up with her for lunch today. In kind of a good way - I mean, it should be fun - but I haven't really had any contact with anyone from high school at all in the last five years. And I don't remember how to deal with people from that world anymore - what to say, what's considered funny, how far I can push our patented racist homophobic worldviews onto her - and there's a very real possibility that one of us won't survive the encounter. So I think this is one of those linkless, contentless, "it's possible you won't ever see me alive again, so just know that I really loved and enjoyed...hating all of you" posts.

I think all I can ask for is if I come out of this without hating her. Also, I would like to have a lunch where someone does not smash a flower vase over my head. I would be happy with that. Lofty goals, I know...but I think I can do it.

It's awesome - I spent an entire month suppressing my neuroticism, and it's all coming undone not even an hour before tip-off. I am the absolute worst clutch performer in the history of the world, in ANYTHING.

Yes, I am definitely freaking out. I have less than half an hour to get drunk.

Thank God there's a LCBO under me.

EDIT: Oh, thank God she's running late. That shows how little she actually values my time, and how she has absolutely no concern about being late to lunch with someone she hasn't seen in five years. So I won't feel bad when I enviably offend her with one of my patented terrible deadpan jokes that doesn't deadpan enough. I can feel it happening already. My mind is locking down, and in fifteen minutes time I'm not going to be able to say anything that isn't from a Will Ferrell skit or isn't an offensive drug/homosexual/racist joke. Excuse me, I'm going to vomit for a bit first before doing sixteen lines of coke in the washroom.

I can't stop guys. I can't.

Just be aware though, I probably won't ever mention this lunch again in this space. I think I'm just going to keep this one thing to myself. Thanks though.

It's been five years, we've had good and bad
The ivy grows thick in our dark backyard
When I shave in the morning, you don't recognize me
I ask if you're still there, and you answer "truly"

6/14/2007 11:32:00 AM | Comments (0)

Softball Report!

Our last game got rained out, so to end the regular season...double header! What a wonderful day for a ball game, let's play two! And let me tell you something...standing out there in a softball field in the blistering sun from 3:00 to 9:00 has to be one of the most physically draining things you can do. It's not really exhausting - because it's softball, and all you do is stand there all day - but at the end of it, you just want to go home and sleep, and never touch a softball again. Until you wake up and want to do it all over again!

We were 1-3, on a three game slide going into the first game, which was against the worst team in the league at 0-4...so no matter what, one losing streak was going to end that day.

...turns out it was theirs.

We had the tying run on base in the last inning...but to be fair, even if we had tied it we would have needed to keep them from scoring in the bottom of the inning, which was no small feat. This one burned me the most out of all of them...I mean...one run!

And I had three errors, at least one of which allowed a run to come in. Easy fly ball to right field, backpedaled, slipped and fell on my ass, got up still tracking the ball, backpedaled, slipped again, ball lands two feet from my glove. That's just embarrassing.

Next game...not enough people from their team showed up, so we were the winners by default. The two sweetest words in English language. So AL and Derek defected to their team and killed us. I think you can imagine the standard demanding a trade lines they threw out...good times. And good game too - I hit well and felt better being back in the infield again, but since it was a friendly I'm not going to put up the stats.

There was this one cute Japanese girl on the other team (right off the bat - pun intended - that's two of my top five desirable traits in a girl...Asian, and plays softball). So we were planning for me to completely bulldoze her over at second and start some drama, so AL could come to her rescue. Except we didn't account for the fact that I haven't had an extra base hit in two weeks. And also that we're pussies.

Day at the plate!
Top 1st: Fielder's choice to shortstop.
Top 2nd: Pop out to center.
Top 5th: RBI single to third.
Top 7th: RBI single to left.
And like nine home runs in the second game, but since we had already won, none of it counts.

Yak, Choking (SS)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  1  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  2  3   1  0  0   0 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  2   1  0  0   1 1
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  1  2   0  0  0   2 0
June 9  CCP      DEFAULT  Y  E  A   H  B  A   B Y

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
4  18  5  11  2  0  0   5 1  .611  .722  .722  1.444

AL, Big (LF)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  0  3   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  1  3   1  1  0   3 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   0 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  3   1  0  0   1 0
June 9  ISO      L 15-14  4  3  2   0  0  0   0 0
June 9  CCP      DEFAULT  F  E  E   L  G  O   O D

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
4  18  5  13  2  1  0   5 0  .722  .889  .944  1.833

Thus with the default win, we stand at 2-4...which somehow puts us 5th in the division out of 8. I don't even know how that's possible, but I'll take it.

Play-offs start next week. Let's get it on.

"You're Darryl Strawberry."
"Yes?"
"You play right field."
"Yes?"
"I play right field too."
"So?"
"Well, are you better than me?"
"Well, I've never met you...but...yes."

6/13/2007 11:44:00 AM | Comments (0)

I'll have to deal with the softball post tomorrow...I lost the receipt that AL scribbled his stats on.

So apparently A&W is offering Mama Burgers with cheese for $1.99 each. Thus two burgers and a pop from that friendly convenience store run by that nice Japanese family downstairs now costs me less than five dollars a go.

The very real possibility that I will not survive the week looms over me like a dark cloud, and I am seriously contemplating the things I have achieved in this life and the things I have yet to. And you know what? I've lived a good life, I've got no complaints.

I've decided that I want to be buried along with my first and greatest love...my wonderful girl Bessie. Long and treasured were the nights I spent alone with her, caressing her smooth porcelain hands, entwined as one in blissful ecstasy. I've completely lost count of how many hours I've spent with her throughout the years - the counter on my copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 maxes out at 99:99 hours.

Oh, and crab battle.

"Let me understand; you got the hen, the chicken, and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
"Why don't we talk about it another time?"
"But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!"
"Something's missing all right."
"They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them."
"That's perverse."

6/12/2007 10:41:00 AM | Comments (0)

I Choose Balls

1234 - Feist

My contribution to our new favourite movie. George Michael getting fired from the set of Knocked Up.

So yesterday, I was having lunch with Filgen, Caroline and Jamie Dixon. It was funny because I ran into Jamie first in the hospital lounge where Filgen works and he was all decked out in Blue Jays gear because he and Filgen were going to the game later that night. He had on a cap, jersey and was carrying a bag full of Jays merch. He looked like a tourist. Quickly picking up on this, I went into some kind of mangled Hispanic/East Asian accent and proclaimed, "I love Blue Jays, numba 1! De Blue Jays es berry berry good!" It was incredibly racist and, I like to think, funny.

The three of us went to this place called Burrito Boyz (I'm pretty sure it was with a Z, that's how the hip kids do it). If you ever go there, I highly recommend the shrimp burrito. Heavenly.

Afterwards, Filgen went back to work and the rest of us went shopping. Caroline said that she needed to buy a new bra and some swimwear and that she needed our help to decide. I thought she was kidding, but apparently this is a common practice among women, am I correct? Or maybe she's just an exhibitionist. Naturally, I ended up missing out on this because Caesar called me and asked me to meet up with him for softball practice. I could have put that off for a couple of hours, but I decided to be a good teammate and go. Besides, I had to complete my trifecta of missed opportunities for the week:

* Not taking the subway to console Lesley on Monday.
* Not staying past the seventh inning of Tuesday's historic Blue Jays comeback.
* And now, not sticking around to watch a girl model bras and swimsuits.

Before anyone asks, my genitalia is a work of fiction at this point.

Okay, well why don't you then tell me what you want to do and then I'll do it so you can tell me you don't want it anymore. I'll do it to perfection and you'll tell me that it's garbage. Someone bring me a wardrobe change or something so we that can move on from this scene that we've gotten golden takes of time after time! And then none of them are being used. And if you rolled on any of the five rehearsals we did you'd have five more golden takes! Can someone tell me what we're...doing?

6/07/2007 02:27:00 PM | Comments (0)

What A Day For A Ball Game, Let's Play Two! (Or Not)

Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam

First things first, I know not everyone reads The Sports Guy, so I'm taking it upon myself to steal a link directly from his blog and put it here: A brilliant interpretation of Pearl Jam's Yellow Ledbetter. Since there are no official lyrics to this song (aside from a few key lines, Eddie Vedder just improvises it during shows), this reading is as good as any.

*****

If you were wondering why William didn't make a post about our last softball game (anybody?), it's because we got rained out. It actually looked playable for most of the day, but as soon as both teams were fully assembled it started to pour. It sucked because we were finally going to play a team with a worse record than us so something had to give and we felt confident it would be them. As it stands, we have to play a double header this coming Sunday and considering how out of shape most of us are it is probably going to be both comical and tragic.

*****

You're not going to believe this one.

I was at the Jays game Tuesday night and Toronto's #1 stunna, Roy "Doc" Halladay was on the mound. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, one of the worst teams in baseball, were in town and a win seemed inevitable. Funny thing about inevitable. Doc gets knocked around for eight runs (seven earned), which is completely unheard of. The Jays look terrible, committing three errors and getting stifled by a pitcher I couldn't pick out of a police line-up. Seriously, if this guy committed a crime and I was the only witness and they called me down to the station to ID him, he'd be getting away scot free. By the end of the seventh, the team is down by five runs and it's pretty much over. I'm at the game with Michelle and we both have to get up early tomorrow so we agree that it would be best just to leave. End of the story.

For us, anyway.

For the Jays? Oh, not much to say there. The team just rallies back from a five-run deficit, scoring six in the ninth inning and undoubtedly sending what was left of the already sparse crowd into bedlam. And I missed it. I left a game early, which I never, ever, ever do and I missed it.

GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Afterwards, I told Michelle that I was going to blame her but really, she didn't put a gun to my head. I left of my own accord. I had her best interests in mind, but that's no excuse. I am consoled by the fact that our leaving may have been the reason that things turned around. She told me during the game that they always lose when she goes so perhaps by removing that element from the stadium, the team found the strength to battle back. Why did I have to leave? In all likelihood, I had been contaminated with her "loser-ness" and you can't take your chances with these things. Also, I'm just happy that the Jays won. Things are turning around for this team, I just hope it's not too late.

As you can see, I'm grasping at straws here. Missing that last inning is going to sting for a while. As punishment, I am going to force myself to watch the Jays play the Devil Rays again on Thursday and noone outside of the Tampa area should ever have to watch the Devil Rays live twice in one week. It is my cross to bear.

I hadn't seen Michelle for a couple of months. Not for any particular reason, I just couldn't find the time to call her and she's been working so it just hasn't been convenient. I got to Union station at about 5:30, because she said she might get there by then but I knew that she wouldn't show up until at least 6:00. That's her funny little way. She is someone who makes me smile just by showing up. There's really no way to properly describe that feeling I get when I see her coming around the corner or walking down the street, but it is wonderful. There always used to be some hesitance on my part to fully embrace her company, but only because I couldn't understand why she put up with me. All the foolish things I say and do, she laughs at and encourages. She just gets me, she really gets me and that's the best way I can explain it. I've accepted that now and I love her for it.

The funny thing is that we ended up staying at Union until about 10:30 anyway because she wanted ice cream so we got some Shrek-themed McFlurrys. She later remarked, "At least we got to spend some time together talking. We wouldn't have said much if we had stayed to watch that comeback." True. I countered by reminding her that we spent that time talking about our hatred of public washrooms and farts, but I get where she was coming from.

*****

I hesitate to put up CD reviews here because I'm no music expert and really, my opinion isn't making or breaking anybody's listening habits so why bother? But I have to comment on this new CD by Blonde Redhead, 23. It's fascinating because there are these beautiful melodies and catchy hooks on the album, but everything is submerged under a steady stream of feedback and distortion. I do not exaggerate when I say that the vocals are at times completely inaudible. And on a bad CD player, like the one sitting on my dresser, the CD sounds like garbage. That said, I'm listening to it non-stop. I have no idea why I'm sharing all this with you.

*****

For once, I'm looking forward to getting up in the morning and it's because I can't wait to talk to Lesley. This is not good.

I don't know why they suntan nails

6/06/2007 12:53:00 AM | Comments (0)

David Blaine: Street Magic 2. I can't remember if I posted the first one, but here it is.

6/05/2007 05:28:00 PM | Comments (0)

Here are some links.

- Because I know that probably none of us have even seen the movie in at least the last five years (or in some cases, sadly, ever), this is the actual line from Back To The Future. I think there's a weird accent in the way Paul Rudd says it, especially considering the fact that some of the impressions in that movie were supposed to be a bit off...but I'll leave it up to you to decide...and also to reminisce along with me about the sheer awesomeness of that movie.

- Also, another deleted Knocked Up scene starring Ken Jeong. Who apparently actually holds a medical doctorate from the University of North Carolina, and was yet another guy from that movie that was in The Office...though I have absolutely no memory of him in any episodes. A fully licensed medical doctor and a stand-up comedian...fascinating. I actually think the two scenes we've seen so far that didn't make the final cut were actually the funniest ones. I want to watch that movie again.

- Just for sake of being complete, here's the cement soccer ball video I was talking about as well. I don't know what's going on with the sound, but between that and the obnoxious repeating, it's very, very annoying. But it involves small children getting hurt...so...gotta weigh it out.

- How come nobody told me Katharine McPhee's (self-titled) album was hot fire? If you're looking for some completely brainless, fairly generic, but still high quality pop - this is the album. Until Kelly Clarkson's next one comes out at least. I have to say though, sometimes it's actually more fun listening to the album and trying to figure out what the singles were/going to be without actually knowing. I just Wiki'ed her (I think that's replaced the phrase "Googled _____" now) and it turns out I was right. The first single was the weak one - Over It was a Top 40 hit apparently (I've haven't heard it on the radio yet) - and Love Story is going to be the crazy second single. All I need to say about Love Story is that there's about a 87% chance it's going to be track of a generic romantic comedy trailer. Feelin' Kinda Sorta?

I forgot who was going to be in this hypothetical/inevitable movie in my conversation with AL though. Edward Norton...and...Jessica Biel? I don't remember.

- New (end of Aprilish) "leaked" Weezer song - Pig. Don't read any of that drivel, just scroll down to the mp3 link. Nothing but vocals, acoustic, harmonica, piano, and quality. No idea if it's linked to the rumoured sixth album currently in works, but it's Spider-Man 3 pie good. How good? SO GOOD.

I'M HERE FOR YOU! BECAUSE I TOOK THE MOTHERFUCKIN' OATH - TO SERVE AND PROTECT! NONMALEFICENCE, BITCH! ALRIGHT!?!

6/05/2007 12:57:00 PM | Comments (0)

Familiar Trappings

I Will Kill Again - Jarvis Cocker

I should be sleeping right now. It's so damn stuffy and ugly and I'm tired and I just want to rest, but my CD player has this unfortunate habit of periodically making quiet static noises. Not quiet enough that I can ignore it, just loud enough to drive me crazy. And I find myself attempting to anticipate when the next burst of static will come, so sleep is impossible. It's not unlike Chinese water torture.

*****

For the longest time I thought that O.P.P. by Naughty By Nature stood for Other People's Problems. That's probably just something my cousin Derek told me when I was younger in a rare act of censorship and protection. If you know the song, you know that O.P.P. definitely does NOT stand for Other People's Problems. Regardless, other people's problems have always been my kryptonite. I'm not saying that I'm an amazing listener or particularly empathic, but I'm always ready and willing to listen to someone else's struggles. Some of it is morbid curiosity, but mostly I enjoy the trust that comes with sharing our trials and tribulations, however temporary that trust may be. In that hour or two that you are there, you feel privileged.

Lesley (see previous post) was having some problem with her boyfriend today. She missed a few of his calls and when she called him back he was clearly upset and she was brought to tears. I found myself unable to say anything particularly useful or comforting. It's not that I'm losing my touch (though that's possible), but I am definitely losing the will. I don't think I can put myself through this whole process again. I befriend a girl, I listen to her, we have a good laugh, I inevitably end up having feelings for her and I inveitably do nothing. It's the UofT special. My friend Song and I were standing at this street corner with her. She had to head home to try and calm her boyfriend down and Song needed to go to the library to print some things. I should have rode the subway with her. Instead, I went with him. She doesn't need my shoulder to cry on anyway. She's a big girl. I'm sure she'll settle down by Wednesday. Whatever happens, I'm not getting involved here.

I'm screwed, aren't I?

Oh, and another fun thing! We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of boy scouts. Right, Toby, we're gonna...
Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know...there's gambling and alcohol and it's in our dangerous warehouse and...it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, everytime I try to do something fun or exciting you...make it not...that...way. I hate...so much about the things that you choose to be.

6/04/2007 10:11:00 PM | Comments (0)

As per our previous conversation, the DeLorean conversation from Knocked Up.

Who needs a time machine?

6/01/2007 11:46:00 PM | Comments (0)

Softball Report!

I don't even want to talk about it. If it wasn't actually the worst game I've played in my life then it was certainly close. I actually struck out at the plate. Yes, in a self-pitch league. That's probably the most emotionally and mentally scarring thing that's happened to me in years...when I got home, I just sat and cried in the shower like Tobias. Just embarrassing.

I think I had like four errors in the outfield, two of which involved the ball actually popping out of my glove. Just a complete and utter disaster in every possible aspect of the game. I don't half-ass my failures - when I go down, I really go down. But now I think I'm being moved into the infield...have you ever actually been promoted due to poor play? It's like if I burned down the office here, and the next day they promote me to CIO. I don't get it, but I'm not questioning it.

And we lost our third game in a row. That stings.

Day at the plate!
Bottom 1st: Pop out to center.
Bottom 3rd: Struck out swinging.
Bottom 4th: Single to third.
Bottom 6th: RBI double to third.

Yak, Choking (CF)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  1  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  2  3   1  0  0   0 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   1 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  2   1  0  0   1 1

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
4  14  4  9   2  0  0   3 1  .643  .714  .785  1.499

AL, Big (SS)
Date   Opponent  Score   AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6   HBK      W 14-8   3  0  3   0  0  0   1 0
May 13  SMM      L 25-13  4  1  3   1  1  0   3 0
May 19  HFP      L 23-7   3  0  2   0  0  0   0 0
May 26  PBB      L 26-14  4  1  3   1  0  0   1 0

G  AB  R  H  2B 3B HR RBI K   AVG   OBP   SLG   OPS
4  14  2  11  2  1  0   5 0  .786  .857  1.071 1.928

That's why I have the K column there, I guess. God...that's embarrassing.

Of course, as AL somewhat cryptically referred to, the most interesting softball related development of the week actually happened after our practice on Wednesday. As the story goes, despite in the midst of a three game slide, AL was still willing to skip practice just so he could get a haircut. Yeah, we talkin' 'bout practice, but clearly someone here's just playing for a contract. So Caesar promised him a free haircut to lure him out to practice...and for some reason...he took the bait.

What transpired can be summed up in the following before and after pictures.


If it looks like AL got his head shaved, kneeing in a field at dusk while we stood around in a circle and pretended to be blinded by the glare from his shirtless body...that's because that's actually what happened. And if it seems like some sort of initiation ritual for a terribly misguided neo-Nazi cult...well that's because that might actually have been true too.

I wonder what happened to all that hair we left on the field. I hope kids don't play there.

At ten, I shaved my head and tried to be a monk
I thought the older women would like me if I did
You see, ma, I'm a good little boy
It's all your fault, momma, it's all your fault

6/01/2007 10:42:00 AM | Comments (0)