How can you break out of the worst, most miserable, depressive funk you've had in the last ten years? Keep moving, don't acknowledge the fact that you're the biggest asshole in the history of asses or holes, be inexplicably chipper about it all, and post some links! Hurray for me!

- I think this is the ballin'est hat ever. Oakland Raiders? Gangsta. Oakland Tusken Raiders? Too gangsta. But a cashmere cap? Now that's ballin'.

You get that hat and this shirt? Now that shit be poppin'.

- Failing that, I wouldn't mind picking something like this up. I didn't think there was a way to step yo chink game up while simultaneously also stepping yo douchebag game up as well. Now there's two great tastes that taste great together. I want this hat so bad...if I could just look half as douchey as Pudgey McChinky there, I'd be set. I have no idea how to buy this hat without paying like thirty bucks in shipping costs though. My dreams are dashed once again.

- Blind Man Shoots Home Intruder In Neck - talk about a shot in the dark (LOLLERSKATEZ). What kind of world do we live in where you can't even rob a 75 year-old blind man without needing to protect ya neck? Between this guy, the 72 year-old former Marine boxer, and the blind judo expert...there's just no more cherry picking in the world of crime. They're starting to look like an old, busted version of the Real Life Justice League...so like...the Real Life Justice Society, maybe.

- Also, here is Kevin Garnett doing an intense Ric Flair impression, and talking about how poor he was as a kid and stuff. Fun for the whole family.

- Alex Rodriguez has opted out of his contract with $72 million over three years left on his previous contract. I'm calling it - Angels will sign him, for $245 million over seven years, for cool $35 million per season. The Yankees are the Yankees, so you never really know, but I'm doubtful that they'll resign him because now they've lost Texas' $21.3 million subsidy that they included in the 2004 trade. This also means lots of free money has been cleared up for Texas, and they'll probably use it to sign a center fielder this offseason...probably Torii Hunter. Also, my son is going to be a professional baseball player, and he is getting paid. Feel free to call out my idiocy if these predictions are way off.

WOW! Amazingly, that did not work for a second. I'm going to see how many sleeping pills I can take before I lose consciousness. I'm shooting for twenty six tonight.

"Now. Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?"
"Intergalactic civil war?"
"Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy - quote, unquote - 'safe' for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!"
"Well...isn't that true?"

10/28/2007 06:52:00 PM | Comments (0)

Wow. Uh...I promise that won't ever happen again. (But it probably will.) Man. ...when you write up a post at like 2:00 AM in the morning and it isn't even that significantly different than some of the crazier posts you've made over the years while you were dead sober...what does that say about you?

I generally never drink that much, but from now, every single time I do, I'm going to write some stuff up. Not even necessarily for this site, just anything in general, maybe even in my trusty notepad (shut up, it's not a diary!). Because when you're reading it over the morning after, it's like you've written a drunken letter to yourself, and that is awesome. Drunken Yak knows all the same things I do, but he approaches them from a different (drunken) mindset, and it's strangely refreshing. Plus, he is much funnier and more charming that I am, so it might be beneficial to tap into that from time to time.

And here are some links so that we can move on and never speak of this again.

- Here is an article from The New York Times titled Fearing Crime, Japanese Wear the Hiding Place. It's fantastic - even the headline is barely English. Please take some time to go through the slide show - the shot of the kid disguised as a fire hydrant absolutely SLAYS me - I cannot seriously think about this and not laugh.

- I'm a little bit surprised to find that I haven't posted this up already, or even really made any allusions or quoted any lines from it...but the Herlihy Boy skit has to be one of my top five most favourite SNL skits of all time. Just the escalating insanity of it all...it's like watching a guy wipeout on his skis and just seeing him continually build speed as he rolls down the mountain, with pieces of equipment flying off his body and various body parts breaking as he goes, before his body just explodes in a shower of blood and assorted bones at the bottom. I truly believe that this was SNL (and thus television sketch comedy in general) at its best. Take any twenty of the typical life-ruining mistakes I've made over the last ten years, combine them, and their overall negative effect on my life would still be dwarfed by the day I first watched this skit. I think it broke my brain.

- Let's just extend that to Chris Farley in general and blame him for warping my sense of humour. I'd gladly trade the lives of all my best friends to bring back Chris Farley, and I know they all feel the same way.

- I think this is the greatest invention of all time. Though I'm having trouble deciding whether it's awesome because we've finally invented something that can uniformly spin our marshmallows at a consistent speed, or whether it's sad because we've gotten to the point where we've needed to invent something that will do that for us. Furthermore, I just think it's funny that for like 99.997% of the year, this thing is just going to sit in your basement or up high in some kitchen cupboard collecting dust. Seriously, you're lucky if you've roasted marshmallows like three times in the last five years. Such a niche market for this thing.

- I bought some tasty white nectarines the other day which led me (through a series of loosely related logical jumps which are too trival to list out here) to start combing through Wikipedia to verify whether or not the Mackanaw peaches from that Seinfeld episode even really existed...because I wanted some. Turns out they don't. Which is too bad, but on the other hand, through the horrible time-wasting power of Wikipedia, I discovered that you can apparently reduce the tear gas effect of onions by freezing or chilling them first. Apparently, alliinase enzymes are released when you onion cells are broken, which generates a gas called syn-propanethial-S-oxide (C₃H₆OS) which drifts up into your eyes, reacting together with your tears or your eye juice or whatever you call the water in your eyes to form sulphuric acid. The acid irritates your eyes, and that's why onions mess you up. However, if you lower the temperature of the onion, you lower the temperature of the alliinase enzymes, which prevent them from activating or volatizing and breaking down the sulfides around them - meaning no tear gas (not actual tear gas though - the type you'll find in a riot situation is generally some other stuff called CS that was developed in the 1950's, also known as 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile...Wikipedia...too strong). So you chill your onions, you stop the enzymes, and you stop getting acid in your eye. Numerous studies have also shown that temperatures under 50°C don't really affect the chemical composition of onions at all, so a frozen or chilled onion should just be as tasty or whatever as a normal onion. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Yeah, slow day at work today.

- Also, if you're in the mood for overly gratuitous amounts of insane arbitrary humour, then this bit by The Whitest Kids U Know, presenting What Really Happened To Abe Lincoln should hit the spot. I think this is still my favourite though.

Oh, and I am severely depressed. Just in case anyone needs to find me tonight - I'll be locked inside my bathroom with a bottle of whiskey and a loaded gun. Hurray for me!

PB + J = HOOD

10/23/2007 04:50:00 PM | Comments (0)

I have a early (like oneish, I think) softball game tomorrow that I am very much looking forward to, but I am having difficulty going to bed. I was rooting for Anderon Silva, and I'm glad he shut up all those white people who were booing him when he came in. Rich Frankling is a bitch - YES, HE IS A BITCH - and and when he got peaced the fuck out last year with the nastiest broken nose I have ever seen, I laughed. YES, I laughed. So when he got taken out again today, I laughed again. Did you see Silva try to go for the clinch again in round one, the same way he dominated him last time? He's a smart fighter - but when's Dan Henderson gonna get a shot at the title?

This is fantastic, and should go down in history as the first drunken blog post I have ever made in this lifetime. I say that because maybe I was like a fuckin' Egyptian priest or some shit in my last liffe, and posted some magical blog post two thousand years prior, and that would have been awesome.

I think I was already tipsy when I came out of Shoeless Joe's, and after I got dropped off, I don't really know why I continued to drink while at home. This week's 30 Rock was fantastic, maybe moreso because I am a little bit not all there.

I can't stop giggling, guys. I can't stop.

It is currently 1.54 AM, and I am a little bit under the influence, while sitting in front of my computer in my boxers questionining the meaning of life and lamenting at the horrible trainwreck my life resembles - and I am really rather enjoying this whole process. I'll be honest, all I can think about right now is Lin, and how amazingly consistent my typing speed carries over even though I've already had like eight drinks tonight. I figure I'm still in the upper 70's right now, but I'm hitting the backspace button like three times for every eight character keys I am pressing. I'm also really bummed out by the fact that Yao Ming is the only guy drafted with center eligibility, even though I have two center spots to fill. But Ballgrabber Evans and McDice should have it like two weeks in so I'm not too worried.

Wow, I am gone. I hope I don't become an alcoholic after this. Wait, I need to use the washroom.

Okay, back. I want to fight a white guy.

Here is a very brief clip of Will Ferrell's Delco SNL audition tape, followed by an entire bit on Comam (where is the 'n' key!?!) in (ah) character as Robert Goulet Conan's utter helplessness is the funniest thing about it, I think, forced to just let it exist. That interview is how I feel right now. Will Ferrell is insane, and I hope that for the sake of the continued sanity of the world that he is slain in some Thunderdome execution that involves sabretooth tigers. Fuck that guy.

Also, here is a video regarding Judd Apatow joining Adam McKay and Will Ferrell on the Funny or Die crew - that sentence was surprisingly coherent because I copy and pasted it from an earlier Notepad file I had stashed away. He talks about porn and it is funny.

Also, here are the Asian characters that appeared in Mark Waid's and Alex Ross' Kingdom Come story along with the brief hilarious descriptions that accompanied them in the trade paperback, which I am referencing.

Buddha (sumo-sized scourge of China)
Tokyo Rose (Japanese martial arts assassin)
Kabuki Kommando (the Fourth World's Japanese champion)
Samurai (champion of Japan from the Batmen of many nations)
Dragon  (champion of China from the Batmen of many nations)

Haha, so racist. Wikipedia page for Batmen of All Nations, good reading. Grant Morrison's story through Batman $667, very good.

We are playing the "Dirty Batstards" tomorrow, who are $1 in the league at 4-0. This is a statement game, and I am really excited about it, especially because AL isn't here, because I absolutely hate that fucking guy, no homo. Whatever whatever. Statement game, gonna be awesome. If I don't hit a triple tomorrow, I'm cutting off my penis and mailing it to Pre-Crisis Lindsey Lohan, I'm not even kidding. Beer is a diuretic, so does that mean my urine is more alkaline now? I'm having trouble remembering my chemistry knowledge...does that mean that I should use zinc or manganese whatyoucallsit to react with it to form a urine-based battery? All those lectures for naught, DAMN ME.

Lin is so funny, I love her. I just wish she wasn't such a huge whore. I am on the floor now, I should probably get up and get into my bed and sleep.

BEST WAMBAG POST EVER.

Van Heeeeeeelsiiiiing!!!

What do we do now?

10/21/2007 01:36:00 AM | Comments (0)

An SNL short entitled "Andy Punches." That's classic Lonely Island right there.

10/18/2007 02:32:00 PM | Comments (0)

So I managed to find some uranium ore available for sale on Amazon.com, which I assume is mainly for high school teachers to buy so that they can show off real live uranium to their classes. You'd probably get a real kick out of seeing the Geiger counter clicking it up when you point it towards your $22.95 sample.

In case you wondering - and I know you all are - this is obviously the naturally occurring uranium-238 isotope that emits minimally low level beta radiation, and is not weapons-grade. And before you ask, for that, you would have to enrich a sample of uranium such that it has at least an 85% composition of the fissile uranium-235 isotope, which has a natural abundance of only 0.72%, so it's not that easy to do. Currently, the most common method of uranium enrichment accepted by most of the world is via the gas centrifuge process, where uranium in the form of highly toxic uranium hexafluoride gas is rotated at high speeds (or if you will, "centrifuged") to separate out the less dense clouds of uranium-235 from the uranium-238.

Though you could also always just bombard uranium-238 with fast neutrons until it beta decays into plutonium-239 (which is fissile) via neptunium-239...but I think you need like a nuclear reactor or something to do that.

However, the fact that this product is clearly not the exciting, fissionable isotope has not discouraged Amazon customers from leaving jackass product reviews anyway. My favourite is the James Bond one (note that the major use of uranium in the military is actually as a high-density armour penetrator), though the "nuklear car" one was fairly enjoyable as well.

Of particular note is the "Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought" list, which is always good times. Take a quick glance when you have the opportunity...I didn't even know you could buy shit like that on Amazon. Didn't this site used to just sell books? The link between those items is something I'm damningly curious about, because I can't justify any of it from a logical perspective. All I can guess is that mice killed someone's father, and now they're building some insanely elaborate, fucked up mouse trap with cherry flavoured anal lube and rectal douche syringes.

...and uranium.

Honestly, I don't care why, and I don't care how...but I want in.

Oh, and Street Fighter 4 is coming out.

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit.

10/17/2007 03:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

Trifecta

Inside And Out - Feist

It seems like all I used to write about were the three girls who kept me sane during my university days. You can only write so many "wow, these people are amazing" posts before you run out of material. Here's another:

***** Angela "Angel" Sinclair *****

For anyone who doesn't know (and who have I not complained to about this?), Gary screwed me over in regards to watching Transformers. When he went to Guatemala for six weeks, I told him that I would wait for him to come back so we could see it together. At first, it was a convenient excuse for me to avoid seeing it because I was worried it would be crap and my occasional resistance to that which is "hot". Then the mostly positive reviews started coming in and the movie began to cool off so I decided it was time to see it. The timing would be perfect with Gary's return. It turns out he ended up watching it with his church people about a week after he left. What the hell? I still haven't forgiven him.

The point of recapping those events is to show what a good friend Angel is. Even though she'd already seen it, she agreed to come see it again. She was excited to do so even. We went to go see it in IMAX and guess what, they still give an IMAX tutorial before the movie starts. Annia, Jess and I missed this when we went to see 300 because we were late, but lo and behold there it was, laser show and all. If it ain't broke, don't break it.

Angel is cool because I act around her the way that I act around members of the WAMBAG. That is to say, like an ass. And she likes that. Our lifestyles are totally different too. She's an independent free spirit and I've got the maturity and self-motivation of an infant but for some reason she believes that there's..."more to me than meets the eye"? Ho ho ho. I don't think I would survive for one second walking in her shoes and I know my domestic life would drive her crazy, but somehow when we meet up we always find some kind of common ground and end up having a lot to talk and laugh about.

By the way, she once wrote an entire exam in rhyme. She got an A. It was apparently so good that her professor added it the course website. I don't know if this says more about her or about the quality of evaluation at the University of Toronto.

***** Natasha Spiers *****

When I got my license, I was excited at the prospect of suddenly being able to leave the house whenever I wanted. I was like, "Yeah, time to finally start doing all the things that I've always wanted to do!" Unfortunately, it turns out that what I've always wanted to do is sit at home, play Secret Of Mana on my SNES emulator and watch sports. Not the stuff of legend.

Thus, I have Natasha to thank for forcing me into action. Saturday was the second time that she gave me a late night call to come out and see her. It was great, I had to negotiate with my mom and everything. Luckily, she's too old and weak to stop me but it was nice of her to put up a fight. The other complication was that I wasn't planning to leave the house that day and when I'm in that mood, I'm more immovable than Fred J. Dukes. I was even wearing my lucky Sunday Toronto Raptors t-shirt. I may as well have been in a coma. There I am enjoying an exciting Indians-Red Sox game when Natasha calls me and tells me she's hungry. After about an hour of her figuring out whether or not she's going to go to some party (long story), I decide to pick her up so we can get her some pizza and watch a movie at her place.

I have to reiterate how abnormal this is for me to be spontaneously leaving the house after 11:00 on a Saturday. I was all settled in, damn it! Sorry, back to the story.

We ended up watching Alpha Dog, that movie with Bruce Willis and Justin Timberlake. There are actually a bunch of good actors in it including one Ben Foster who played Angel in X-Men: The Last Stand. I mention him because Greg, Jess, William and I just saw him steal the show as Charlie in 3:10 To Yuma. The Force is strong with this one. Alpha Dog wasn't terrible, but the dialogue was laughably bad. The director and writer is this 40 year old guy and he was attempting to write "realistic" teen conversations. Draw your own conclusions from that.

This was the first time I can recall watching a movie with Natasha at either of our houses and let me tell you that it was near-impossible. Her cat just had kittens and every five seconds it was like, "Look how cute they are! Oh my God, look at her eyes! Oh, isn't that adorable? Alex, did you see that? She's adorable, isn't she? Alex? Is she adorable?" I consider myself to be pretty good at conversation, but I quickly ran out of responses. When she was done with the kittens, I would have to explain to her what happened in the scenes she missed while she was playing with her kittens and so on and so forth. She knows I love it though. My cynicism really plays off her air-head routine well and it's always fun. I say "routine" because she's the kind of girl who puts on a bubbly act so that she doesn't scare off guys with her intelligence. I can appreciate both sides of her, especially since I know which one is real. At the same time, she lets me act like I'm cold and cool when she knows that I'm a big softie.

Her latest joke is that we're married. What is this? High school? Whatever. I just found out that she doesn't eat noodles. That doesn't even make sense, right? You didn't even comprehend that sentence. Now you know how I felt when she said that to me. I'm getting a pretend divorce.

***** Michelle Ngo *****

Our softball team is off to a good start at 3 wins and 1 loss. We won our latest game by a score of 20 to 14. I'm not sure what's sparked our offense lately, but the stats do show that ever since Michelle joined our team we haven't lost. It's only two games, but facts is facts. She's a good softball player, I've got to admit. I was skeptical when she told me that she was a star in high school. If you've ever met Michelle, you'll know why I say that. She's about average height for an Asian girl, meaning she's diminutive. I'm not saying she's short, she's just not the most imposing figure you'll ever meet. But she can play, homes. She can hit, run and field. She nearly got someone out at home even though my jelly arm barely got the ball near the plate. Most of all, she's enthusiastic. She's not like, jumping up and down and waving pom poms (she's still not familiar enough with my people for that), but she brings a fresh energy to our team.

Maybe it's just me. I was getting a little burnt out with softball, but Michelle's presence has rejuvenated me. For one thing, she's a new person to try and impress. My usual teammates have already tired of seeing me perform miracles day in and day out. Speaking of miracles, she called the existence of bananas a miracle. We were throwing around and she was explaining how incredible it was that nature could produce something with that shape, colour, taste, texture, etc. And then she called a banana a miracle. It should be noted that she had a history of marijuana use when she was younger.

I had a rare off-day defensively (hey, even God blinks, okay?) and she was there to help me through it. I missed a catch and she gave me a little hug afterwards and I didn't feel quite so bad. Then someone on the other team gave her a backhanded compliment, saying that she could hit surprisingly well for someone who was so short, and I told her that she wasn't that short. Sorry, that was really boring but it's always hard for me to express how happy I am around Michelle. It's not one thing, it's these in-between moments that make her special.

The timing of this post wasn't completely random as I did see each of these ladies over the last four days, which is a rare thing. Hell, it's rare that I see the three of them in the same month, much less in one week. Despite having the odd moment of existential dread (and who doesn't?), I can honestly say that this week has been real good. I remain cautiously optimistic about my future.

Trouble with you, Kaneda...is you take too many chances.
Trouble with you is you wanna live forever!

10/15/2007 01:20:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is apparently 1 year old, but I had never seen it until now. It's really catchy, and features my medical role model, Dr. Ken Jeong.

Also, here's a re-post of that extended scene from Knocked Up where Dr. Ken just goes insane while improvising.

10/14/2007 10:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

Chris' Story

For Now - Jetplanes Of Abraham

Man, I am having a lot of trouble remembering what day it is. I know it's Saturday today. My calendar says as much. But every fibre of my being tells me that it's Sunday. Then again, I live a life of weekends so I suppose it isn't all that important.

*****

For anyone who doesn't know, my brother left the country about a month ago to go teach in Japan. The wheels had been in motion for a while and I can only imagine how much of a struggle it was for him to willingly give up the comforts of home. We've always been a couple of spoiled brats. I was not sad to see him go; rather, I was excited. I think there's a belief among our extended family that were my brother or I to ever actually live on our own for a substantial amount of time that we would spontaneously combust. As far as I can tell, this has not happened to him yet. That is not to say that his trip has been without complications.

Despite the fact that he hasn't replied to any of my own e-mails (even though he's not around, I still bother him with questions about movies and television shows that we've both watched hundreds of times), I've learned through my mother that he's been forced to adapt quickly. The company he was hired by, NOVA, is apparently guilty of immoral business practices and overexpansion. That is to say, the chickens have come to roost and they've been unable to pay or properly house their employees for the last few weeks. So my brother's timing was just perfect. I'm sure, and who wouldn't, that he had at least one "fuck my life" moment when he realized what was going on over there. I like to think that that passed quickly and that he's gathered himself enough to fully appreciate the opportunity that now lies ahead of him.

This is the great adventure we have been waiting for and frankly, I'm jealous. No, I don't think his life is particularly comfortable right now, but that's the price to pay for freedom, right? He's already found work with another company and a new residence, so at least I know he's taking care of himself. Now he can do whatever he wants. Again, it must have been tough when he found out that all the plans he'd laid out were shot to hell and it must have looked bleak for a minute. But Frank Miller taught us that a man without hope is a man without fear and while I wouldn't go as far as to say his situation was hopeless, that doesn't mean my brother can't be fearless.

He'd never admit it, but Chris has always been the more involved one of the two of us. He was an Air Cadet. He's a legitimate martial artist. Now he's a stranger in a strange land. My brother will be the first to tell you that the first quarter of his life has been less than epic. His story begins now.

You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

10/13/2007 06:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Man, it's been tough to get a post up in the last couple of days...it's just been one of those stretches where you just gotta grind it out. I just haven't been able to find a good enough link or an interesting personal note that could support an entire post on its own...so instead I have to charge my meter and just wait it out and accumulate little bits as they come and slap them together at the end of the week. So what's to come shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

Do not be alarmed if you feel yourself being factually provoked by the content to follow...for they are Choking Yak's Provoking Facts!

(...so gay.)

- Gilbert Arenas apparently cheats at Halo 3. After the first page, it's basically just a whole forum full of Halo nerds complaining about how terrible of a role model he is for kids because he cheats in a video game (oh no, a dude who's signed for $11.95 million this year might have his X-Box banned), so feel free to skip all of that. I don't know about you, but this actually makes me love Gilbert Arenas even more. And I'd imagine this is nothing but good news for you if you're a Wizards fan - imagine having a guy so competitive that he'll even cheat at a video game. You want a guy like that on the court. It's like that story about Michael Jordan - who was legendary because his competitiveness was straight up psychotic (among other things...like...being really good at basketball) - bribing an airport worker to make sure his bags came out first so he could win like a $100 bet with his teammates. This is a dude who's made like $93.78 million dollars in NBA salaries alone (he's probably earned like a hundred times that in endorsement deals) cheating to win a hundred bucks...he's so bent on winning that he can't turn it off. So I can't imagine how this doesn't make Gilbert even more awesome. Remember, we live in a world where Batman is like the most awesome superhero ever, because he has no powers and has to constantly CHEAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER to take out his superpowered rogues gallery and to keep up with his superfast, superstrong, superdurable Justice League teammates. It's cliche, but it's still true - if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.

I just hope he figures out (or has already figured out) a way to cheat at basketball as well.

- When microwaving my lunch of Thanksgiving leftovers yesterday (it will not run out!), I accidentally beeped out the first six big brass notes of Soul Bossa Nova on the keypad...and I've had the Austin Powers intro stuck in my head ever since. This was really just an excuse to link to the video so that I could get it all out of my system. I've been walking around the halls doing those stupid hand motions at the beginning all day...it's horrible.

- Furthermore, I saw someone's lunch in the communal fridge wrapped up in the distinctive plastic bag from Silver Snail, identifiable only to others that have been there. So. There is another one. I will find you and destroy you.

- Also, Jack Bauer goes to jail - 48 days for DUI? THAT AIN'T SHIT. Nigga kicked a heroin habit, came back from the dead TWICE, shotgunned a dog, and has killed like three thousand terrorists over the course of 144 hours. He was trapped and tortured in a Chinese prison for TWENTY MONTHS - you think that dinky Los Angeles playpen you call a jail will hold him? I pity your city - you are all already dead, you just don't know it yet. Though maybe now FOX can have that 24/Prison Break crossover we've all been waiting for.

Probable next related news headline: "Jack Bauer At Large: LA County Jail Found Full Of Dead People"

- I got this silly email at work, regarding a visual test that will apparently determine which hemisphere of the brain is your primary think tank. Apparently if the dancer rotates clockwise, you're a right brain thinker, and vice versa for counter-clockwise and for the left. Even though I don't really understand nor fully believe the science behind how sight or visual interpretation can determine which side of the brain you use...the actual optical illusion thing is still really neat. It is messing up BOTH sides of my brain. I don't know about you, but at first, I could only see her spinning clockwise, and I was completely convinced that there is just absolutely no way that you could interpret her spinning counter-clockwise, just because of the slope of her leg and all that.

But then I managed to get it to flip (I think the "weakest" frame and where the illusion is at its thinnest is the frame where the bottom foot spins "behind" the heel so that you can't see it for a split-second...so the trick is to wait until then and then mentally reverse the spin from that point - imagine grabbing and constantly trying to break her bottom foot by forcing it to spin the other way, since violence solves every mental exercise) so that I could see her going counter-clockwise as well...and the weird thing is, now I can't see how anyone could interpret her spinning in a clockwise direction, even though I just did like ten seconds ago. And I can't make her switch back. It's insane, I can only get it to click from clockwise to counter-clockwise. Every time I want to see her going clockwise again, I have to close the page, reset my brain, and look at it fresh again...and it's always initially clockwise for me.

I have no idea what this means in terms of the brain hemisphere concept - like what does it mean when people can switch how they see the image? That they can switch between left and right hemispheres at will? Oh God, I think I'm going to vomit.

- Rowlf & The Swedish Chef from this past weekend's SNL with Seth Rogan. Of particular note is how uncannily accurate Andy Samberg's joint movements matches those of an actual Muppet. Frightening in its realism.

- While I was coming back from lunch today (do not order the turkey sandwich from Senator Diner on Victoria and Dundas...it sucks) I saw this big important looking guy in like a three thousand dollar power suit, expensive silk tie, and leatherbound notebook that I imagine was likely full of high yield investment portfolios, or maybe like a list of high ranking political figures to publically discredit or assassinate. He was just lighting up and chilling out in front of the doors to the elevators, where all the smokers generally are, and I paid it no mind. But then as I walked past him and got in a good whiff, I noticed that he wasn't actually holding a cigarette - dude was blazing a joint just like that...out on the street at 1:30 in the afternoon! Either that guy is living it up like he don't even give a fuck, or he's like the absolute best dressed hobo I have ever seen. What series of fortunate events has transpired to let him lead a life like that, and most importantly, how can I follow in his footsteps? I mean...do I have to be white, or is that just preferred? I need a more powerful name. Like...uh...Clint Braddock. YEAH. It's gotta be the name. Let's go with that instead. I'd feel like a superhero with that name. ...maybe because I might have just combined the names of two superheroes to form it, but whatever.

- The weather (among other things...) in San Francisco is still something I'd trade this crappy Toronto getup for in a heartbeat, but since Captain America's dead, and now that the Canadian dollar has reached and exceeded parity with the US dollar...only one of my top three reasons for moving to the states is still relevant. So I guess it might be relevant to announce that Cap's coming back in January, along with a new costume redesign...though if it isn't Steve Rogers, then it doesn't really matter then, does it? I haven't been keeping up with Cap's title on a monthly basis, but I assume Bucky (who is alive again, which is ironic because now Cap's dead) aka "The Winter Soldier" is going to be the new king of ass kicking in the Marvel universe. Alex Ross is generally pretty good with costume designs (ie. Earth X, Kingdom Come), and I think I like this one too - the idea of incorporating Cap's old school triangular shield as a chest piece instead was kinda neat. But I think it's going to look wack when it appears panel-to-panel in the interiors of issues with the all black thing going on for everything under his bellybutton. They didn't even give him red boots to balance it out...he's just going to be like this floating chest piece with disembodied hands every time someone draws him running through a dark alley. And this is more of a character concept than the visual costume...but weapons? Call me old fashioned, but I missed the days when Cap would just beat regular Nazi soldiers or Skrulls to death with his bare hands American Boxing Judo Style. And now we live in a world where we'll constantly have to ask ourselves if Cap's gon' hafta shoot a bitch. Breaks my damn heart.

- In case you were wondering, Cap 9/10 majority over Batman in a straight up, shieldless and utility beltless fist fight. And still Cap 6/10 majority over Batman even with shield and utility belt. And then Batman 11/10 over Cap if he has more than five minutes to prepare for the fight, because then he gets to cheat like a motherfucker. That's fact - not even open for discussion.

- I think this is just a horrible way to die, and it's one of those stories where you're just left wondering like...what else could they have done? I guess it's impossible to jump out of a plane if it's going into a nosedive, but it's like...you have the training, you have the parachutes, and you only need the plane to balance out for a second so you can jump out...but it never happens. Though I have this horrible image in my head where this guy jumps out and yanks the cord, only to find out that it was full of silverware. Ah, it happens to the best of us.

...yes, I'm going to Hell.

- So I never got my registration card in the mail, even though both my parents did, as well as my brother who spends most of the year living in Hamilton. But I went to vote yesterday anyway, because I've voted numerous times before, and I just assumed that there was a mail mix-up and everything would be cool anyway because I'm on the registered voter list for my riding. So turns out I'm not on the list. Which seems to technically imply that I'm either dead or not a registered resident of Ontario...which I wouldn't mind (for either one), but the fact that this comes after I've already paid up my income tax and put my money towards funding bullshit programs I don't care about (Education!?! Why the fuck would I want to support an education system that doesn't include mandatory viewings of Van Helsing in History, Social Science, or Physics curricula?)...that's just something that doesn't sit right with me. So after lining up for five minutes in one line only to discover I wasn't on the list so I had to line up for another five minutes in another line to spend ten minutes filling out a form that would put me on the list at which point I had to go back and line up in the original line which took me another fifteen minutes because it had tripled in size during the last fifteen minutes I had just spent filling out the form. And at the end of the day, it didn't even matter because the party I was rooting for lost by 5297 votes in my riding anyway. Fuck my life.

- At least we get a new holiday out of it. Monday, February 18th, 2008 - for Ontarians to spend more time with their families. Which is great, because I love spending time with my family! Hurray! Do we know what it's called yet? They should hold another election for Ontarians to vote on what to name it. I want it to be called "Van Damme Day"...but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter what I'd want anyway, BECAUSE I'M NOT ON THE FUCKING LIST. Bastards!

- Don't tell anyone, but I found out where they store the bags of hot chocolate syrup for the coffee machine. They're 1 litre bags in boxes of ten each, and they lock it in the overhead cupboard in one of the kitchens, but I know how to open it with a string (or a network cable) and this flat piece of metal I found on the floor of the server room today. I haven't really figured out how I can use this new found information to my advantage yet...but it's a nice card to have up my sleeve anyway, and everyone knows that knowing is half the battle.

- ...I might just drink one of the bags if I ever feel sufficiently daring or if I'm ever working late, depressed, and have a death wish (aka "Mondays").

Yeah, I probably could have split this into like five separate posts without anyone knowing. Fuck you guys, I'm not posting again for like a month.

Waste my days (waste my days)
Drown aways (drown aways)
It's just the thought of you
In love with someone else
It breaks my heart to see you hanging from your shelf

10/11/2007 03:54:00 PM | Comments (0)

A montage of Dave scenes from FotC. That guy owns every scene he's in.

Also, bonus Arj Barker stand-up video!

That reminds me of when I saw a puppy being born.

10/06/2007 07:18:00 PM | Comments (0)

I had my wisdom teeth pulled last July, which ended up being a pretty interesting experience...mainly because of the nitrous oxide. I was pretty lucky in that they were able to be popped out with relative ease, and no collateral surgery was required. So the nice dental surgeon was good enough to keep all my extracted wisdom teeth largely intact, and they even threw them in a Ziploc bag for me to take home. Which I thought was awesome, because I had these grand designs to string them into a necklace to wear...because there's just something insane and psychotic about owning a necklace made from your own teeth that appeals to me.

The thing with dental surgery (...or any type of surgery, I guess) is that you need to be drugged, and so I had to arrange for my brother to come pick me up in my car when I was done - they won't even let anyone walk out of the office unaccompanied. Which I would discover that day to be a wise policy to endorse...because I was drugged out of my MIND. So that's why I'm scared of ever drinking to excess, because I guess I'm one of those guys that don't acknowledge that they're really incapacitated when they're actually really incapacitated. I vaguely remember pushing everyone away and going "I'M COOL, I'M COOL - let me walk down these stairs myself!" while I had lost all sense of balance, had like one eye closed, and drool was pouring out of my numb, tranquilized mouth.

Unfortunately, at some point between when they handed me a bag of my own teeth and when I stumbled home...I lost the bag. I've always just assumed that I dropped it in the office or the parking lot while I was stumbling out, and due to the fact that I was so drugged out and my memory of the whole day was so hazy...I just never paid it any mind again.

So we fast forward to this morning, fifteen months afterwards. I'm at the subway station, sitting in my car, plugging my iPod into my ears, clipping my access card onto my belt, and just generally fiddling with all the little miscellaneous things I have to fiddle with before I leave the bubble of peace and quiet of my car and merge back into the busy, hectic world of society. And although I don't remember how it specifically happens, my general idiocy and clumsiness leads me to drop my Metropass onto the floor of the car, and it somehow bounces under the passenger seat and out of sight and convenient reaching distance. So after muttering the obligatory "fuck my life" line, I'm outside next to the car on the passenger side, digging in there under the seat in search of my Metropass...

...and I find a Ziploc bag containing four of my teeth.

SCORE!!!

Recovering a plastic bag full of your own teeth which had been sitting on the floor of your car for over a year - always a surefire sign of a good day to come. Look it up in one of those old farmer almanacs, it's true. Almost 2:30 PM so far and no reason to believe otherwise. ...of course, I am going to Ajax later...

It's just obviously very unexpected to...you know...find a bag of your own teeth on the floor of your car in the morning, when all of them had supposedly been accounted for. I honestly don't know how I could have gone so long without finding it sooner. I'm obviously not the cleanest and most organized guy in the world, but I like to think that I keep a relatively clean car...if only just a bit dusty. I guess it's possible that this is the first time I've actually dropped something under the passenger seat, as the case where I'm sitting on the passenger side of my car is something that doesn't come up very often, and so I guess I've never really had a reason to look under there.

Still, I ended up doing a full sweep of the floor of my car before setting off just in case there were more things to find. Like I'm still not sure what happened to the dustpan I lost in July '04. The car's not that old...but you know, can't hurt to check. Didn't find any more body parts, but I did find $1.27 in change, a toothpick (used, I think), and a mint from Kelsey's...which might even predate the bag of teeth - at this point, I'm no longer sure of anything.

Is it possible that one of you passengers had actually even noticed it sitting on the floor of my car and just didn't mention it to me? Please note that was not part of my interior decorative scheme, and that a bag of teeth is indeed not something I would put under the seat on purpose. Moving forward, if you notice something odd on the level of a Ziploc bag containing my extracted wisdom teeth lying around in my car, feel free to bring it to my attention and ask about it if you're curious. Please note however, this would obviously not extend to the potato sack, chloroform rags, and weekly kidnap victim that I keep in the trunk. Don't make eye contact. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT. Those are all off limits for questioning.

I think I might make that necklace now.

"How often do you brush, Ralph?"
"Three times a day, sir."
"Why must you turn my office into a house of lies!?!"

10/05/2007 02:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

Because posting links is easier than acknowleding the terrifying horror that comes with realizing the true depths of the absolute meaninglessness of my existence!

- I originally found this video with the description "watch this 100 times and you'll still laugh" attached to it. Currently giving it a floor run, seeing if it plays...I'm up to 12, and the theorem still holds water.

- This is a video entitled Colbert Gay Snake Marriage. Take from that what you will.

- Not sure if we're all hip to the massive collapse of the 2007 New York Mets - but they managed to blow a seven game lead over the Philadelphia Phillies with 17 games to play, something that has never happened in Major League Baseball history. To no one's surprise, Conan is all over it. Mascot comedy is always quality, and mascot violence is always comedy, so it works out. Here's part two - you can see the setup from a mile away, but it still doesn't make it any less funny. Get these YouTubes before NBC takes it down.

- On a related note, here's a Kanye skit on the SNL season premiere (hosted by LeBron).

- And lastly...a nice wedding gift, because I understand some of us have upcoming weddings to attend, and so that gives me an excuse to post something with the word "weddding" in it. Anyway, fuck your wedding - I want to know why people create things like this. It's absolutely abhorring. When I watch videos like this...it just makes me angry - angry that there's people out there that actually enjoy scripting and filming these things out, under the insane delusion that this idea was something good, something worth celebrating...I can't explain to you how badly that little black ball of hate within me burns at this. Just the sheer gall of these people to present life in such a warped fashion...it's irresponsible. I do not, I can not, for one second believe that this is how life works for anyone. It's a pipe dream, and to make a video portraying a world in which something like this is not even just possible, but in fact reality...that's just not right. Fuck this world. FUCK THIS WORLD.

No, I'm not bitter at all.

My album went gold in a day, fam! My album went gold in a DAY!

10/03/2007 11:01:00 AM | Comments (0)