WAMBAG.COM
Big Al
HazeStart To Melt - Peter Bjorn And John
As I knelt down in the park the other day getting my head shaved, I had a lot of time to think about things.
*****
I'm disappointed as to how this whole Adriana thing turned out. No, don't worry, I didn't say anything to her. I wish I could have, but better judgment prevailed as it always does. She hasn't called me once since we started hanging out and that's not a good sign. I know, I'm the guy and I'm more into her than she is into me so if I want something to happen I have to be aggressive but I think I should also know how to take a hint too, right? If I'm the only one who suggests that we do stuff, then there can't be too much going on on her side can there?. That's good logic. I'm sure I'll call her eventually, but just casually. Romantically, the window of opportunity is clearly closed, as it always has been.
*****
Softball has just been freaking fantastic. If you've been keeping up with the reports, you're aware that our team has been getting stomped. Bad. William will get around to the write-up, but I'll tell you right now that we lost 26-14. All of our losses have been by double digits. This was an improvement over last weeks 22-7 debacle. We also got some phat jerseys, so that was cool.
There are a few reasons why we suck so badly. For one thing, our fielding is awful. Between William and I, we must have had nine or ten errors. I am not exaggerating. Everyone on the team is game, but we get really tense and make a lot of bad mistakes. Our team is also ill-equipped for even an amateur competitive league. The roster is all friends and family and we were indiscriminate about skill level for the mostpart. That is to say, some of us aren't great hitters. This leads to the good guys on our team going up only three or four times while the opponents usually have their fat dudes hitting five or six times a game.
You know what? Who cares? One thing our team is designed for is having fun and while that is occasionally forgotten in favour of screaming at each other over fielding errors, at the end of the day we have a good laugh. I'm not the most active guy so any time I can get out and play some kind of semi-competitive sport is just fantastic. That's probably why I'm not doing so well defensively. I get lost out there. I'm standing in the field, grass at my ankles, wind at my face and I find it difficult to care about...well, anything really. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled things in my youth, especially athletics. Consider this making up for lost time.
*****
I'm all caught up on
The Office. The problem is that I'm now like the rest of you, having to actually
wait for the next season to start. I devoured seasons 2 and 3. I have to give my self credit for rationing them to about two or three episodes a day, but even that didn't last long. I've actually gotten around to watching the British version to sate my appetite until next season. Some of my favourite bits from season 3:
- Michael and the talking computer, Harvey. A small scene, but so indicative of the shows excellence. Jim's passive wit (Harvey:
I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks. Jim:
Zing.). Michael's childishness. Pam's dwindling tolerance for said childishness.
- Michael listening to a sample of
James Blunt's
Goodbye My Lover over and over again after breaking up with Carol.
- Everything in Episode 3, "The Coup". Watching Michael attempt to act sinister as he grilled Dwight about his trip to the dentist (
Your dentist's name is Crentist?) is just insane. And of course,
Hug it out, bitch. (which I'm aware is from
Entourage, before anyone feels the need to point that out)
*****
I had my...what do you say when you see someone every couple of months? Bi-monthly, right? Someone help me out here. I'm going to say bi-monthly. Wow, did all that really need to be typed? Anyway, I had my bi-monthly get-together with Natasha, which is essential for restoring my ego and confidence. This particular meeting did not go as smoothly as I would have liked, because her friend Jackie came along to dinner with us. She's attractive and I quite like her, but I wanted to spend time with just Natasha. She was having a relapse over some old ex-boyfriend issues, so I guess she needed the company. I'm not too good with, um, unfamiliar people these days. These days, anytime I'm forced to socialize with strangers I feel like screaming. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm not feeling too good. This was evident Tuesday night as I felt like I was being a drag and I apologized to Natasha the next day. Of course, she would never validate something like that and that's why I keep coming back to her.
*****
I've had a couple of lunches with my cousin Carla and her boyfriend Jason. I helped them move into their new place about a month ago. I'm slightly uncomfortable with the whole thing because I didn't like her boyfriend for the longest time (for whatever reason, I can't even remember) and because I feel like there isn't much for us to talk about. I'd like to get something started work-wise before I go bothering my family members. Still, we always manage to make conversation and she is a kind, giving relative. It's weird, because she's from the more Chinese side of the family and we generally don't socialize. This actually came up some years ago when my cousin Adam, her brother, committed suicide. We all realized how distant we truly were from one another. There were a few forced attempts to reinforce our relationships, but it never felt natural and eventually we just became the Lees again. But now that I'm spending more time with Carla, I'm thinking this is a better way to do things. On our own terms.
*****
I had English class with this hot blonde chick named Leslie, who I (after searching through my archives) have apparently not mentioned before in this hallowed webspace. She's tall, blonde, wears glasses, has a great body and seems intelligent. In other words, completely not my type. Yet here I am, writing about her and letting you all know that I am absolutely enamoured with her. We actually have a mutual friend in Natasha, which in addition to having class with her (we're both taking Science Fiction this summer) acts as my "in". I sat next to her on Monday for the first time ever and it was...distracting. She was wearing this short skirt and one of the five tight shirts that she owns. Natasha tells me she apparently only owns five different shirts and from what I've seen, I can't disagree. Then again, I'm usually staring down the shirt and not at it so maybe I'm not the best judge.
She makes me sweaty. That's probably the best compliment I can give to someone.
I was walking her to the subway station the other day and we were making brilliant, meaningless conversation. We talked about movies. What's great is that she has a boyfriend and even if she didn't, she'd be way out of my league anyway so I actually feel no pressure at all talking to her. Nothing I say is going to affect what she thinks of me anyway, so I can just let loose. It's liberating.
I should also mention that her cleavage is dynamite. I want to live there someday.
*****
I should remember to thank Caesar for the free haircut.
Why don't you just buy the whole song?
I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just want...I just want a little taste of it.
FlamingSheep
Deleted scene from Judd Apatow's Knocked Up.
I'm back home when it comes out on the 1st. Who's with me?
Addendum: Trailer for
Superbad, a movie Seth Rogen wrote and George Michael Bluth is starring in. A rated R trailer is on their
website.
I am McLovin.
Choking Yak
The following is enough content to probably fuel like six individual posts, especially considering the usual quality of standard WAMBAG fare, but regardless...here it is anyway in its entirety. I give you yet another installment of...
Choking Yak's Provoking Facts.
- I think that title has actually gotten to the point where it's just completely dead to me. At first it had that "it's so bad it's good again" appeal. Then after awhile it just became plain old bad, like an infected wound in my side that wouldn't heal, and eventually developed gangrene and started to smell like almonds. And now it's just completely dead to me - it's mention evokes absolutely no emotion from me anymore, good or bad. It's like
Shake Ya Tailfeathers - I can't even hear that song now. My mind has been exposed to its stimuli so much that it's actually learned to reflexively tune it out. I don't even see the code anymore - all I see now is blonde, brunette, redhead.
- The first heat advisory of the year was issued yesterday, and thus it was on the hottest day of the year that the TTC conveniently experienced signal troubles that locked down the entire Yonge and University line. I found out afterwards that the service outage was just between 4:30 PM and 5:30 PM as well - conveniently right around that magical 5:00 PM window where like 90% of the downtown core leaves for home. Which resulted in hundreds of grumpy, sweaty would-be-commuters walking up and down Yonge street at the height of rush hour yesterday in 35 degree heat. With things looking grim and the prospects of an enjoyable evening narrowing by the second, I enlisted the aid of one of mankind's greatest and yet most underappricated (it's a word, screw you) inventions.
The slushy.
And let me tell you something - no dollar eighty six was better spent in the city of Toronto yesterday than when I paid for that slushy. In fact, to taste that cooling, delicious experience that only a slushy in 35 degree weather could provide, I would have thought it to be a deal even if they were going for like fifty bucks a pop. That was how much I was willing to spent for a 189 mL container of blended ice, sugar, and food colouring yesterday. And it would have been worth every cent.
Combined with the fact that there's three comic book stores on Yonge between my office and College, I had no choice but to whip out that shit-eating grin. Walking up Yonge street at a pace which I can only describe as "leisurely", so many people were staring at my smiling, slushy sucking face that I bet that's how Scarlett Johannson feels like when she's drinking slushies. I had one of those surreal moments where it seemed like I was living out a beverage commercial...heck, with
I Am John going in my ears, I pretty much
was living a commercial.
Enjoyed my slushy, picked up some trades in some nicely air conditioned comic book stores, took the still functioning Bloor line across to Scarborough Town, lured Jess into giving me a ride to my car on the other side of town by treating her to an undercooked steak dinner...fantastic day all around, despite the TTC troubles.
Or maybe not so much "despite" but "because of" the TTC troubles. It's hard to tell sometimes.
Thanks again for everything, Jess.
- So apparently 20th Century Fox is going to attempt to make
a movie based off The Sims. So a live-action movie about real life. That's great work, Fox.
- I've been trying to teach myself how to count all the coins in my pocket without taking them out or looking. Just by touch. So everyday before I leave for work, I grab a random half-handful of coins from my coin jar (it's actually a plastic Breyer's ice cream container) and practice counting them throughout the day, each time after I've forgotten how much there is from the last count. I'm getting better, but pennies and nickels are still giving me a lot of trouble.
I want to get to the point where I can just like dip my hands into a Scrooge McDuck-sized vault of coins, just close my eyes for a minute, and get it within a nickel. And then I want to swim in it.
- It's been difficult adjusting to these big policy changes that have been going on around here at work. For example, this week they've stopped offering milk in the 15 mL containers - now it's just a communal two litre carton of milk. Thus there is absolutely no way to accurately measure 30 mL of milk to put into my coffee anymore. I'm lost, frightened, confused, and angry.
The first coffee I had post-switch, I poured too much milk into it. It tasted exactly the same, but the knowledge that there was more milk in there than usual felt like it was burning a hole in my very being...
and I could not live with that terrible secret harboured in my heart. I started to feel like everyone I passed in the hall was staring at my coffee, and thinking "What is that kid thinking? There's WAY too much milk in that cup of coffee. What a fucking douchebag."
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS PRESSURE
- Anyone buy a TKO punching bag from a Cincinnati-area Costco recently? You should be aware that they are recalling them because
"the fill material in the heavy punching bag does not meet [their] high quality standards". Before I get to the payoff...the only thing that disappoints me about the story is that they didn't realize that they could have probably made some serious cash by pawning it off on eBay. I mean it's a niche market, but there's a market out there nonetheless. Anyway, apparently the punching bags
were full of used underwear.
"That's not going to be good for business."
"That's not going to be good for anybody."
Choking Yak
Softball Report!
We got killed again. And our starting second baseman took a fly ball with a heavily-wind-changed-trajectory on the head, and had to go to the hospital with concussion-like symptoms. It's generally pretty hard to put a positive spin on a 16-run loss...but I'm just glad that no one died on Sunday.
I'm going be cheap and just say I didn't have any errors. I did lose that last ball that was hit my way, but I think it was hit just right out of my reach such that I had no play on it. Thus...no errors. I had an absolutely terrible, potentially game changing base running gaffe in the fourth, but that isn't statistically measured...so I'm good! I'm all about the numbers baby.
Day at the plate!
Top 2nd: Single up the middle.
Top 4th: RBI single to center, thrown out at second.
Top 6th: Grounded out to shortstop.
...honestly I can't even remember the last time that I've actually been thrown out trying to take a base. I think I'm getting old.
Back to stat whoring...
Yak, Choking (CF)
Date Opponent Score AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6 HBK W 14-8 3 1 2 0 0 0 1 0
May 13 SMM L 25-13 4 2 3 1 0 0 0 0
May 19 HFP L 23-7 3 0 2 0 0 0 1 0
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K AVG OBP SLG OPS
3 10 3 7 1 0 0 2 0 .700 .800 .800 1.600
AL, Big (SS)
Date Opponent Score AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6 HBK W 14-8 3 0 3 0 0 0 1 0
May 13 SMM L 25-13 4 1 3 1 1 0 3 0
May 19 HFP L 23-7 3 1 2 1 0 0 0 0
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K AVG OBP SLG OPS
3 10 2 8 2 1 0 4 0 .800 .900 1.200 2.100
Sheep, I need a prescription of HGH for this nasty cold I think I might be coming down with.
And now to end this with yet another baseball movie quote to cap off yet another effortless post.
"I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays."
"Well it all depends on how good you are."
"How good are you?"
"I make the league minimum."
Choking Yak
May 19th -
StarCraft 2 announced.
Mine that site, and then check out
gameplay video one and
two.
...yes, I creamed my pants.
I CANNOT wait to play this game when it comes out in 2099.
You must construct additional pylons.
Choking Yak
Softball Report!
We got killed. Though we still scored 13 runs, which is pretty good...I think.
Got my first error on a short fly to left field. The ball was dropping fast, but I had tracked it well enough to get to it and even catch it...only it bounced into and then immediately
right out of my glove. After that I was praying for another hit my way, and thank God I had those two catches in the last inning...or else I may have hung myself.
Day at the plate batting lead-off!
Top 1st: Double to center, took third on the throw
Top 2nd: Single to left
Top 4th: Fielder's choice to third
Top 6th: Single to center
My game log followed by my line for the season...
Yak, Choking (CF)
Date Opponent Score AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6 HBK W 14-8 3 1 2 0 0 0 1 0
May 13 SMM L 25-13 4 2 3 1 0 0 0 0
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K AVG OBP SLG OPS
2 7 3 5 1 0 0 1 0 .714 .857 .857 1.714
Also, here are AL's stats, which he has asked me to put up as well since the glorious might of the <pre> tag is beyond his feeble mortal human capacity to understand.
AL, Big (SS)
Date Opponent Score AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6 HBK W 14-8 3 0 3 0 0 0 1 0
May 13 SMM L 25-13 4 1 3 1 1 0 3 0
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K AVG OBP SLG OPS
2 7 1 6 1 1 0 4 0 .857 1.000 1.286 2.286
Yes, he is indeed outhitting me. In both rate stats and totals. And by not insignificant margins either. For example, his lead of 572 points of OPS is roughly the difference between Troy Glaus and Sal Fasano this year. Though I would argue that those flashy RBI numbers are just because he has such excellent table setters hitting before him in the line-up (ie. me).
...of course, I'm still killing the top hitters in the MLB - Bonds (1.239), A-Rod (1.122), and Vlad (1.098) - by an even more significant margin...so in the end, that just speaks to how retarded it is to keep track of our stats for this beginner's co-ed self-pitch softball league.
"Roger, are we feuding?"
"They said so on the TV, it must be true."
"Well, fuck you then."
"Up yours."
Big Al
Honesty Is Always The Best PolicyCold Days From The Birdhouse - The Twilight Sad
Two weeks ago, I incorrectly assumed that Annia and I would be watching
American Idol together like we usually do. Even though we hadn't made any formal plans, I figured she would call me to let me know whether we were still on or not. As it turns out, she had made plans with her new guy Drew and neglected to inform me. No phone call, text message, e-mail, nothin'. Even when she called later that night, there wasn't any actual apology. It wasn't a huge deal and I should have let her know that I was upset right away but I decided to just sit on it and stew. There's no reason that I couldn't have called her the day before and asked if we were on for Wednesday as opposed to waiting it out. It was as if I expected her to blow me off and let it happen just so I could justify my anxiety.
She made several attempts to contact me since then and I've had legitimate reasons for not being able to see her (softball practice and other engagements), but I also didn't make any attempts to reschedule or negotiate. I thought I was being obvious about my not wanting to see her. That said, she seemed surprised when I talked to her last Sunday and vented my frustrations. All of them. It all sort of came pouring out. My intentions were to address what happened on Wednesday, but somehow all of my fears and insecurities about our friendship came pouring out and before I knew it, everything was on the table. Well, almost everything. I'd like to tell you that this all came out in a well organized and eloquent treatise, but the truth is that my conviction did not exactly match the anger I was feeling at the time. She made a lot of logical points about how she felt she was a good friend and how I was making something out of nothing, but I wasn't hearing it. I was just needy and pissed. I demanded that she say something nice about me and when she eventually did it was like pulling teeth.
It's funny, because I've had problems with her for a long time and I always wondered what it would be like to get it all out in the open. I imagined it would be a moment of triumph. Instead, I ended the conversation feeling guilty. I was having trouble justifying what had just transpired. I didn't feel relieved at all, which is always a legitimate reason for doing these things. No, I was confused and I still am. We haven't spoken in six days, which is normal for us, but there's a difference between two people not speaking and two people NOT speaking, you know what I'm saying?
Was it worth it? Why did I feel the need to qualify this friendship? Couldn't I just leave it as it was? I have a lot of friends and rarely have I ever felt the need to analyze the basis of our connection. Obviously, I wasn't feeling too good about my relationship with Annia so I felt that a diagnosis was necessary but perhaps I went too far. Things were working between us and she is in a good place in her life right now. She's got a new boyfriend, her brother is living with her and she's got a couple of job opportunities to consider. Surely, my feelings could have been spared for the time being. I don't imagine she's losing too much sleep over all this, which is my sole consolation.
I've left the ball in her court now, so to speak. If she wants to call, she will. If she doesn't...well, I'll probably end up calling her. I don't think I made a mistake. One way or another, this was going to come out and I suppose I couldn't have hoped for more than a civil phone conversation. I caught her off-guard, which was unfair. It's her turn now. We'll work this out.
*****
I've started hanging out with Adriana again. For those of you who need a reminder, that's my longtime Food Basics crush. My mom ran into her and I found out that she had finished her exams so I figured that now would be as good a time as any to reestablish contact. We had lunch last Friday, which was like old times. She is so sarcastic, maybe a too much at times, but I love that about her. She also has a lot of confidence issues and doesn't deal with compliments well, which is tough to work around but I don't mind the challenge. She's spectacular. She came over to my house and we watched
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire on Thursday. We talked throughout the entire thing, which is always a good sign. I can't imagine inviting someone over to my house and sitting on my couch in silence for two straight hours. I'm falling for her all over again, which is horrible because I can tell she doesn't feel the same way. I know I say that all the time, but I'm an expert at knowing when a girl isn't attracted to me and I can tell you that things aren't looking too good. That doesn't seem to be stopping me from wanting to do something crazy. Like telling her how I feel about her. I might do it soon too, just to get it out of the way.
One of the reasons I left Food Basics (one of many) was that I couldn't hang around her anymore because of my insane attraction to her. I'm going to confess and if it doesn't work out, I'm quitting her cold turkey. There is really nothing to lose.
*****
Friday night, Julius invited me out to go to Korean BBQ with some friends of his(including WAMBAG compatriot Lee Baker) as sort of a going away party for him before he leaves for Quebec. The other people included Lee's girlfriend Mandy (who goes to UofT), her friend Michelle, Julius' friend Annabella (who I've got a thing for and this dude who I hate, Eric (who was nice enough to come pick me up). Eric is like a young Michael Scott. He wants to be super nice to everyone, laughs at his own terrible jokes and spouts a lot of bullshit. All of this is just to get people to like him, of course. I can't stand people like that and because I spent a lot of time in the student council office this year, I saw him about three times a week. Guh. He was in top (bottom?) form on Friday and I could barely hide my contempt for him. Hell, I didn't! At one point, he criticized
Dr. Zhivago for being "just a love story" and not having any deeper meaning. I almost shoved his head onto the grill. Then he complained that
Bruce Almighty was "too simplistic". It's a comedy starring Jim Carrey! DAMN IT. People like this are taking my oxygen! Luckily, I was also in top form (i.e. depressed, cynical, bitter, hungry) and was quick to insult him and his beliefs at every turn.
Annabella spent the whole night talking on her cellphone and exchanging text messages. That made me feel validated.
It was good to see Lee again. I was impressed by his Justin Timberlake haircut. He's pulling it off nicely. Mandy seems like a sweet girl and even though his relationship with her means I can't call him gay (for now), I'm happy for him.
Okay, some links now. First, courtesy of Sue, my niece in Peru,
a standup routine about Mexican Music.
And from my cousin Derek, some Conan stuff:
Conan O'Brien and the Bread ProfessorConan visits Intel (the best stuff starts at 5:10)
Conan talks about his Ford Taurus. Classic.
Conan at Industrial Light and MagicMindbottling, isn't it? Hm.
Did you just say "mindbottling"?
Yeah, mindbottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped like in a bottle.
Choking Yak
Oh come on. Is there something anti-appendix about the food here in Toronto?
What the fuck!?! Right off a 1.0 IP, 3 K, 1 SV outing from our new closer too.
Also, the
gnats are turning on us. And there's
absolutely no reason for me to try to get cushy city job now either.
I think I may have also heard Scott McKenzie on some soft rock station coming back from work today too.
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW
FUCK
Choking Yak
I did not realize how inadvertently homoerotic that whole "Kevin was there to back me up" sentence sounded until just now.
That's awesome. Now for a brief follow-up story...
I sent an email to an old friend on Sunday night (two, actually, which confused me), during probably the only window of opportunity I realistically had. My self esteem was at a season high fresh off that serotonin rush from that six run beating we handed out earlier that day, and I didn't know the next time I would ever experience that type of happiness again.
(...probably this Sunday, when we play our next game. And win. Yeah!)
I'm going to chalk it up to pure coincidence that everything just happened to perfectly coincide with the peak of a two week stretch during which I experienced probably one of my personal All Time Top 10 most insane mind wrecking binges of neuroticism. Did you know I actually counted each individual character in there by hand once? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.
But I'm better now. I'm going to stop being crazy.
I woke up this morning, and while lying in bed gradually powering up and listening to some sweet 680News (...gold is up ten points), I realized that I'm probably overthinking this whole thing. I mean, I knew that all along
in my head, but I think I honestly believe it now. Deep down inside, I honestly think that if I tried hard enough, I can still live life like a normal human being...at least for short half hour periods at a time. I think I'm going to do that.
I feel absolutely great today, thanks for asking.
Now for the
Titannica skit from
Mr. Show.
Inhale the powder from the science class
Yes, nearly dying felt so cool
Your face is all that hasn't changed
You're reassembled just like me
But when I reach to touch your hand
You stroke mine, gently
All I want is one more chance to be young and wild and free
All I want is one more chance to show you, you were right for me
You were right for me
Choking Yak
Softball Report!
I jumped at the chance when AL invited me to join a beginner softball league with his family and friends earlier this year, and after what seemed like forever, we finally got our first official game out of the way.
Feel free to put up a nicer write up of the game and the team on your own AL, but I'm putting this post up just for me.
I've forgotten how fun organized sports are. Especially when you win, which we did. I don't think the other team was prepared that well, so we had to be rules lawyers a little bit, but still overall a fun game and a great day.
My athletic inadequacies continue to hound me, as I was unable to complete any of the three plays I was involved as the starting center fielder. But none were technically errors, so that's all that really matters I guess. The first inning I ended up overrunning a pop-up, and slipped on my ass trying to backpeddle to get back under the ball. Which would have been a blatant and obvious error, but Kevin was there to back me up as a good fellow outfielder should, and made the out, so no error.
Slightly better day at the plate, though I'm still trying to get that groove going, and it shows.
Bottom 2nd: Flied out to center
Bottom 4th: Infield single to first
Bottom 6th: RBI line drive single to left
So my line for the game would be...
Date Opponent Score AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K
May 6 HBK W 14-8 3 1 2 0 0 0 1 0
Followed by my line for the season thus far...
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI K AVG OBP SLG OPS
1 3 1 2 0 0 0 1 0 .666 .666 .666 1.332
In case you were wondering, yes, I am a stat whore and the only purpose of these posts is so I can keep track of my numbers and get that big arbitration raise for next year.
"Come on, Benny. Man...the kid is a L, 7, WEENIE!"
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