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Choking Yak
There Is No Safehouse In Stockholm
Yeah that's right, after seven years of posting, I'm going to change it up and start adding titles to my posts now too. Want to make something of it? Go fuck yourself.
- Part 3 of the Randy documentary (another one!?!)...which kind of takes a weird turn. Man...they are really squeezing every last bit out of everything they can get their hands on. Also, I really want to work one of those cool looking needle-less injectors into a video somehow. ...not even, really - I just want to have one, I think it'd be a cool thing to own.
- Actually, I've changed my mind - the next big prop we need to get our hands on is a dildo.
- This is a trailer for Hot Tub Time Machine, which stars John Cusack, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Rob Corddry, and Chevy Chase. Good to see some of those guys get work, and I'm surprised to see how little (if any) straight comedies John "The Sackster" Cusack's actually done lately - it always seemed like all of his movies were half-comedies anyway. If Funny People is a bust, I guess this will be the next funny one we can look forward to...although the release date is all the way in April 2010, and I'll likely completely forget about it by that time, just like how I forgot that AL had already posted that Mystery Team trailer back in 2008 when it first showed up.
- This is one of those instant-internet-video-hits making the rounds lately, and just the sheer amount of white people dancing in this is entertaining enough to post. I suppose it's touching and enjoyable enough at face value, but the real appeal of this to me is the irony of playing a Chris Brown song at a wedding, which is delicious to me. Regardless, I think this is still a kind of played out thing to do at a wedding...but this would be a pretty baller thing to do at a funeral, with people all decked up in Thriller type make-up and costumes. Like MY funeral, for example. And instead of the bride with the big entrance at the end...it would instead feature my eventual murderer (or like a dude in a giant cigarette mascot-type costume if I died of lung cancer or whatever), and people would cheer or jeer to their own preference. I mean yeah...people do Thriller at weddings all the time...but why not for funerals? Isn't that a much more appropriate setting? Imagine if Michael Jackson had actually faked his death, and then jumped out of his coffin sitting at center stage during his memorial at the Staples Center, and right into a Thriller routine? Not even jumped out...like what if he had been in a chamber under the stage floor the entire time and was hoisted up by cables so that he could have EXPLODED out of his coffin on cue, in a shower of firework sparks and confetti? Completely inappropriate, but you would not be able to deny that it would have been the absolute craziest celebrity moment of ALL TIME. Just try and top that - you can't!
(One possible hypothetical comparable would maybe be like in 10 years, if Beyonce got like Queen Latifah or Aretha Franklin fat and entered into a new and still successful but definitely diminished stage of her career...and then while onstage at some huge future venue, suddenly ripped off a synthetic fat suit to reveal that she had been secretly working out hardcore for the last few years to recapture her 2009 body, and immediately jumped into a rendition of Single Ladies, complete with black leotard and everything. I think that would have to be up there.)
Insane people are already petitioning for him to be nominated posthumously for a Nobel Peace Prize just weeks after the entire world had written him off as a freak and a child molester, and all just for dying regularly. Just try and imagine what would have actually happened if he had pulled of a fake death xx Thriller dance xx killer comeback album combo...it's unfathomable.
Oh, I just orgasmed onstage from your white hatred.
Big Al
In The Company Of Sandwiches
Apollo And The Buffalo And Anna Anna Anna Oh! - Sunset Rubdown
In case you couldn't guess by today's song choice, there is a new Sunset Rubdown album out called Dragonslayer and I can tell you that it is excellent. It's quite different from the first CD actually, sounding like it could be yet another Spencer Krug side project rather than a follow-up to Random Spirit Lover. For one thing, Dragonslayer actually has clear breaks between songs, which is bizarre after listening to the last album. While Random Spirit Lover came off as a funky, modern opera, Dragonslayer actually kind of sounds like a CD that one could listen to without the assistance of hallucinogenics. Though by all means, indulge.
If it weren't for the fact that the album is only eight tracks long and yet somehow manages to clock in over 40 minutes, I'd go as far as to say that this album is more accessible than the last. Of course, any hopes of that are dashed by the time you get to the seventh minute (only three more to go) of the album's title track. This is classic, pretentious indie music at its best. Soak it in!
One more thing about today's song choice. It is the latest contender in my illustrious "2009 Song Of The Year" competition, going head-to-head with the seemingly unstoppable juggernaut that is Battlefield. Apollo And The Buffalo And Anna Anna Anna Oh! jumped out at me from the first listen and it's one of those songs that...how to best explain this...remember that scene in High Fidelity where the guys are listening to the tape by The Kinky Wizards (those little skater fucks)? Jack Black is just shaking his head in resignation and he goes, It's really fuckin' good like he can't even understand how that's possible? That's how I feel whenever a song just instantly clicks with me. I'm sort of happy, but mostly defeated and eventually just depressed that I can't even begin to understand how an artist like Spencer Krug goes about constructing these monstrous compositions. He's the best songwriter out there today and not just because Rivers Cuomo died four years ago.
Oh, speaking of Rivers, I thought that this was fucking sick. Weezer covers MGMT and Lady Gaga. Considering that Kids is way better than anything that Rivers has written recently, this must have been refreshing for the band.
*****
In other music news, here are a couple of bits that may or may not (likely not) peak your interest.
Not that anyone gives a shit about these Scottish hooligans except for me, but here's the new single from The Twilight Sad, I Became A Prostitute.
And here's the new Clipse video, Kinda Like A Big Deal. This shit is bananas.
Let's do a tally here. I've just blown through the latest Sunset Rubdown release and The Twilight Sad and Clipse are expected to release new albums sometime in September. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Damn it...damn it, life is so good.
*****
Considering my reputation as an underdeveloped man-boy, it should come as no surprise to you that the most basic tasks can be both challenging and enlightening to me. Take de-fogging your windows for example. For some reason, I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to heat or cool the car to perform this task. I know, this is elementary school science but again, I am a retard. After futzing around with the controls the other day, I finally figured out that cooling was the way to go and even though I'd witnessed it a hundred times before, I found myself entranced. As I watched the cold air chase away the fog, I found myself thinking about Shirley, knowing that it's the kind of scene only she would appreciate.
*****
Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Sporcle quiz. In case you're wondering, it is randomized every time. Now would be a good time to mention that I am addicted to doing Sporcle quizzes.
Sexual moments in video games. Yeah yeah, we all know about Ring King! and the Cho Aniki games, but there are some hidden gems in here.
After creating the post-modern comedy classic Ghost Town, at last Ricky Gervais is ready to release his latest slice of genius, The Invention Of Lying (formerly This Side Of The Truth). I mentioned this months ago and it looks promising, but there is one thing I hate about the premise and it's the same problem I had with Liar, Liar. Why do writers assume that when someone loses the ability to lie that they feel compelled to blurt out their deepest, most embarrassing thoughts. There's a difference between not being able to lie and not being able to shut up, isn't there?
*****
The Andrea trail has gone cold and in my defence, you've got to realize that socializing with girls at work is difficult. We don't work in the same area, so I have to go out of my way to talk to them. The only reason I got to know Andrea a little bit is because we had lunch together once, which is was a completely random occurrence. My work relationships are completely predicated on whoever I end up having lunch with on a given day. On Tuesday I ate by myself, which was not depressing whatsoever.
Wednesday was a different story. I go in to eat lunch hoping that maybe Andrea will be there or that I'll at least have the company of sandwiches again, but instead I go in and find one of the waitresses reading a book. A lot goes in that initial moment of recognition: Should I interrupt? Do I need to introduce myself? What's for lunch today? Should I ask how lunch is? And so on and so forth. I decide that an introduction is never bad and she tells me that her name is Kayleigh. I take it as a good sign that she looks up to respond and doesn't immediately return to reading.
It turns out that she's a fellow Markham-ite (Markham-ian? Markhami-ish? Markham-ese?) and even better, a fellow English major. For whatever reason, we seem comfortable with each other right away. So much so that within two minutes of meeting each other, I somehow find it appropriate to mention how I've taken an oath to tell no gay jokes for a whole day (that's another story entirely). Thankfully, she laughs. It's a good lunch and not just because the chefs make a good shepherd's pie. We spend a lot of time talking about Asian people, believe it or not. Like I said, it's all quite comfortable, almost too much so. It's the kind of engagement I expect from a girl who...*sigh* probably has a boyfriend. Despite my attempts to probe for boyfriend bombs, nothing came up. I remain cautious.
Nothing to get too excited about, but you should know by now that in my life, "a girl talked to me today" is always going to be worth mentioning.
I wanted to want something as much as people wanted these plants. But...it isn't part of my constitution. I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I wanna know what it feels like to care about something passionately.
Choking Yak
Don't leave early for this one - I promise the best link's at the bottom.
- Let's just quickly get the rest of this Happy Gilmore stuff off of my plate...this is a rather amusing 2006 order by a bankruptcy judge dismissing some motion on the grounds of it being too incomprehensible to decipher, leading to an interesting footnote at the end of the document. Also, please check out this weird two part featurette bit for Funny People showcasing Aziz Ansari as the fictional comic Raaaaaaaandy, who probably appears in the movie for like five total minutes. I don't know what I find so particularly good about this...maybe something about how it just perfectly straddles the line between being legitimately funny and satirically funny...and if DJ Ol' Youngin doesn't kill you with the "WORKIN ON DEM TEEF" part, then you're a much better man than I. Actually, that whole bit is murder...even just the fact that he's working off of a Macbook...it's all so ridiculous. Judd Apatow and his crew have gone insane, they filmed so much extra crap for this movie I don't even want to post it all - just check the Wikipedia article for the movie and all the fictional websites created for the film which feature all these clips of movies and shows that are supposed to be within the actual movie they're marketing, the only actual real movie...I don't know, the whole thing's like this weird metaphysical marketing thing that's got me buggin' out. To start, there's a whole series of weird Yo Teach! bits in the related video sections of the Raaaaaaaandy bits that Jason Schwartzman's character in the movie presumably stars in...those are really strange and deadpan, easily the stupidest, but arguably the funniest ones.
The more I hear about this movie, the more I want to watch it. And this is also probably the first time I've been looking forward to the eventual DVD/Blu-ray more than the actual movie itself, just because I'm curious to see exactly what the scope of all the extra stuff they filmed includes. Reminds me of Wake Up, Ron Burgundy, but less insane and with like ten times more content.
- Aside from those, Drunk Letter Writing is my new favourite video of the week - great idea, great acting, great execution, great all around! Posting is so easy when you go the main page of Funny Or Die and then just copy half the links onto here.
- Here's the trailer for Mystery Team, set to debut at the Sundance Film Festival and currently still looking for a studio to distribute it. I hope they find one soon. Otherwise I hope they don't and just quickly get back to making stupid internet videos instead.
- In other movie news...Sam Raimi has been hired to direct a WarCraft movie. By Blizzard themselves (press release here) along with the studio and the producer behind The Dark Knight. I essentially just consider this another iteration of a Lord of the Rings movie, except hopefully shorter, and therefore, better. Pretty cool stuff...although I think it's hilarious how Blizzard includes a four hundred word long disclaimer at the end of their press releases now cautioning the verbiage used in regards to "forward-looking statements" - so as cool as this news is to me right now, I can only wonder how cool this will be to me when the movie finally comes out in the year 2056, while we're all in the middle of the Cyber Zombie Space Wars and movies are no longer a viable source for entertainment. Probably not that cool.
- If you're interested in how the Cyber Zombie Space Wars will start, then I refer you this interesting article on optogenetics. The basic idea is that scientists have now figured out a way to treat psychological disorders by genetically altering your neurons so that parts of your brain can be turned on and off by shining blue or yellow light on them. Scientists will do this by injecting a virus into your brain to attach this new gene, found in algae, to your brain cells. When it is eventually discovered that the portion of the brain that controls depression is right next to the portion of your brain that tells you not to turn into a zombie and devour the flesh of the living...I will be the first to say "I told you so."
- Finally, if your name is Jessica Pang, this is the end of my post. For the rest of you, I'm just going to post this random link to the second page of the photo gallery on Rockwood's website for July 4th, 2009. What you choose to do with this link is entirely up to you, and what you will find on the other side, if there is anything to find at all, is something that is not known to me.
God, just look at him. What a huge douche.
Man is but a slave to his past...
MaxSnax
Links!
1) EVO2K9 took place this past weekend and Daigo (who is famous for being pretty much the best SF player and this) has been crowned champion once again (in SF4).
This video is probably the coolest thing to have come out from this event. It's a combo video featuring Ryu doing things that are just flat out incomprehensible to me.
I hate Street Fighter.
2) Top 60 Ghetto Black Names. Just click it and try not to hurt yourself laughing.
"Watermelondrea"
Choking Yak
Baggin' On The Go
No computer...no links...no spellchecking...NO RULES.
This guy at Tim Hortons just called me "boss" - when he gave me my blueberry creamcheese bagel and said "Here ya go, boss." He was Asian. I think we shared a momet there, and I just thought it was so remarkable that I had to post aout it, sitting here in my car in the parking lot outside.
This bagel is absolutely delicious, by the way. I wish you were all here with me so that I could eat it in front of you and not share any of it, making you all much more jealous than you likely currently are right now.
This has been Baggin' On The Go with Choking Yak.
Who would you rather be
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
Choking Yak
The office building in which I slave away daily is an atrium, built in such a way that the 14 stories of open space gives the building "a feeling of space and light." This really just means that during the two minutes of my day in which I've left my cubicle for a coffee break, I just stare out over the railing and try to avoid thinking about accidentally dropping my mug on someone. Another benefit of working in atriums...a crying infant can be strategically positioned (ie. really just about anywhere on the ground floor) such that it's screams will reach all the way up to my desk, eleven floors up.
Apparently someone has just brought a baby into the building and coerced it into crying just for the specific purpose of annoying everyone that works in this building, or someone is looping a recording of a crying baby - honestly, how long does it take to shut one of those things up?
GOING INSANE, MUST MURDER BABY
I visited the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition yesterday with Jess, which was quite a delight - I'm sure my love for pretentious art fairs is well documented in this space already, no need to rehash it ad nauseum. It was probably also the absolutely most perfect day in the history of mankind, and so it was rather fortunate that we chose that one day to have a day outside. I mean...what are the chances!?!
The art exhibition (possibly combined with a viewing of Brüno last night) has also now inspired me to make a new website theme made entirely out of penises, to better reflect the true nature of this site's content. It will be very avant-garde. And also extremely gay. So get ready to receive!
The benefit of having a website that no one knows about is that I can either be 100% serious about the above or not, and it wouldn't make a difference.
- I already put up the Happy Gilmore bit from Sport Science in the last post, but of equal (greater?) interest is this clip of Gina Carano breaking the ribs of a limbless gelatin man. I think you would be hard pressed to find something a girl can do that would be both more physically imposing and sexually arousing. After watching a few clips from this show, I'm also convinced that they are like the masters of stretching two minutes of actual footage into a 22-minute long episode while still keeping my interest. Slow motion cameras should be one of mankind's proudest achievements.
- Speaking of mankind's proudest achievements...check out Fancy Fast Food, which is a collection of attempts to present everyday fast food in a gourmet cuisine fashion. I'm not a chef or any sort of culinary engineer (although I did watch the first four epsiodes of Kitchen Confidential with Bradley Cooper before FOX cancelled it) but these are pretty impressive to me all the same. I like how one of the steps is always to boil the water away from a cup of Coke/Pepsi to make sauce from its syrup...as gross as it sounds, it probably tastes worse.
Jess, I think I've found a new weekend activity for us.
- Behind the scenes with Delonte West, a day in the life of a real basketball gangsta.
- What if I told you that I had an edited version of every song in Dr. Dre's The Chronic mashed together? And that all the non-swear words were edited out, forming some sort of bizarro radio edit? Is that something you'd be interested in?
- Wacky headlines of the day! First, lightning strike cures Serbian woman of irregular heartbeat...but then the end of the article says the doctors think she's going to die anyway. Huh!?! High comedy. Next, something to think about next time you get hiccups - you probably have brain cancer. Hi-larious! And finally, from the sidebar of that article, a picture gallery of The Heart Attack Grill, "a hospital-themed restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, which has become famous for embracing and promoting an unhealthy diet of extremely large hamburgers." Check the website here. They also sell unfiltered cigarettes and you eat free if you weigh over 350 pounds. I like this, because in an age where people are becoming increasingly more educated and mindful of what healthy, nutritional eating entails...these guys just went "Fuck it!" and went to the other extreme. They're straight shooters...and you can't fault them for that.
Jess, I think I've found a new vacation destination for us.
Trains, planes, or automobiles...you betta have my donuts.
Choking Yak
Our Shared Hatred Of Dan Hocking
This is why I hate Dan Hocking...back in Crosby, he assured me that Happy Gilmore's golf swing would never actually work in real life, ruining my life long ambition to become a professional golfer and amateur hockey player. Hey Dan, 2008 PGA Champion Padraig Harrington says otherwise. You are a liar!
For the record though, I don't particularly hate Dan any more than the hate I hold in my heart for all people everywhere, I just thought that would be a really amusing post title.
And it was.
It's not really my place to do so, as it wasn't my birthday nor was I the one that took them, but I'm going to post the pictures up anyway. Here's some now classic moments from Sheep's birthday celebration this past Independence Day 2009 that Max was kind enough to digitally record forever until the end of time.
Good times! (Although not for Steve McNair.) I'll leave the full debriefing to someone better suited for it than I...however, between AsianPoses.com and this documentary of vervet monkeys, you should be able to form a pretty good idea on your own. (Of particular note are the specific characteristics the leader monkeys are said to exhibit. They're so much like us, it's scary.)
Now for the rest of the links, yeah?
- In memoriam of Steve McNair, here are two other tragic news reports with probably the two greatest headlines I've ever seen before in my life. Man Falls to Death into Vat of Chocolate (poor Augustus Gloop) and Two Midget Mexican Wrestlers Killed By Fake Prostitutes. If that last one doesn't get at least a chuckle out of you, then you have no soul.
- Is anyone interested in watching 2012? How about after watching the trailer recut with a 70's disaster porn vibe? Heck yes!
- With all due respect to Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police, and My Neighbor Totoro, RoboGeisha seems to be probably the most hilarious nonsense to come out of Japan yet. I want to say that the acid nipple milk bit is my favourite...but there's really just too many to choose from.
- A quick comparison of the respective movie ideas between Pixar and Dreamworks. It's funny because it's true. Haha, Antz.
- And finally, Jordin's Sparks' Battlefield debut on American Idol. Looking good, sounding good...she's sitting on top of the world.
"This was the last time."
"Until a next time."
...
"No chance."
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