A sausage & egg McMuffin sandwich, hash brown, and small coffee (double milk, no sugar): $3.94
Starting your day with 590 calories and the lingering fear of a cardiac event: Priceless

Now here are some links.

- Real life Spider-Girl needs an operation, which might be expensive, with payment not always accepted. Parasitic perinatal twins and rape jokes! The classiest establishment you will find on the world wide web is sitting right in front of you.

- The mascots for the 2010 Winter Olympic games in Vancouver have been announced. There's a half-bear, half-killer-whale one, a half-bear, half-bird, and a bear-like sasquatch. I begrudgingly approve...but just bearly. (LOL)

- This is a fantastic, hilariously awkward video that strikes at the heart of our most hated natural enemy - the Asian female (and also Public Enemy #2, the White males that date them). I just think the segment is hilarious, but there's so much pent up venom in that video, and so much hate - both explicit and implicit. I can't even watch it straight through without breaking down in laughter, it kills me so bad. I have to watch it like ten seconds at a time, pause it, compose myself, and then grit my teeth and continue. SO GODDAMN hilariously awkward, it's like watching Michael Scott or Larry David at the top of their games. It's absolutely horrible, makes me cringe, yet fills my heart with a dark, familiar type of joy I savour, embrace, and yearn for again. It wouldn't be completely out of place to have SOME sympathy for Greg though - that Thalia Zucchi girl would probably have been like the hottest woman to ever even make eye contact with him...I know that'd probably be true for me. And that Asian girl IS a bit busted, and on top of that she smokes and can't speak English - both deal breakers in my book. That doesn't make it any less of a trainwreck...but there is the possibility that there might be some editorial bias here, so let's not eliminate the possibility just yet. ("Cracker Chasing Asian Woman that can barely speak English?" - GODDAMN, that's hateful!) The hate just makes it funnier. Asians are just so racist, male or female...it's just fantastic. I wouldn't trade my squinty eyes, mathematical aptitude, and microscopic penis for anything else in the world.

- Well at least we're the fucking champs at Ikaruga. Akimbo styles! AND HE'S STILL CHAINING! Also, consider the fact that he has to keep one finger on each hand pressed on the fire button, and he's reaching over to hit a new button every time he bombs or switches colour. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that this has to be one of the top ten most insane things I've ever seen another human being do. There's videos for all five levels up there, go look them up yourself if you enjoy getting your mind blown by fucking insane shit. I played this with my brother, and we can't even beat the third level with two fully (debatable) functioning brains and four hands between the two of us. I put it right up there with Joey Chesnut breaking the World Record for competitive hot dog eating (taking the Crown Of Gluttony back for Team America from Takeru Kobayashi) and Vince Carter dunking over 7'2" Frédéric Weis ("He jumped OVER...HIS HEAD!"). God, I miss Bessie.

- Charts and graphs of rap song lyrics. Might be a bit goofy at first glance, but then it's just plain funny as you get progressively deeper into it and start trying to figure out the songs. The Souls Of Mischief limit and the Big Pun and Nuthin' But A G Thang pie charts made me laugh out loud. ...though I actually laughed at quite a lot of them. There's just something intrinsically funny about seeing the word "bitches" on a bar graph.

"Bonato gets up with a sloppy pass...Carter, inSIDE -"
"OHHHHHOHOHO!!! OOoooh hoho hoho...WHOOOO!"

11/30/2007 04:52:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm currently listening to the latest (or maybe the first, I have no idea) album from Fang Island, called Day Of The Great Leap. I read about them in an Los Angeles based "Asian American pop culture" magazine called Giant Robot, Googled them just based off their awesome band name, found a YouTube video of them playing to a kindergarten class, and had to buy the CD online off their no name record label.

Now THAT is indie.

It arrived in the mail today, it's 23 minutes long, and it's some crazy shit, foreals. No real lyrics, just the odd "WHOAOHOHOHOH" here and there, very standard indie fare. We are so cool.

And now it is time for this video of the 1992 X-Men arcade game from Konami I found on their MySpace page. I particular enjoy the fight with Pyro at the end - that's just vintage video game strategy right there. Good times.

"You will only mush your perfect phalanges
Into my demon turd of a soul
Your hand would go into my satanic cheeseburger
Aka my heart's vaginaaaaaa - "
"Ah yes, yes, uh... Yeah, you know I have heard that one."

11/28/2007 02:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

Sell Out I

Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder

That's the roman numeral "I" in the title, by the way, not the word "I". That should clear that up.

*****

I've got a job now. I work at a call centre. Now, before we all jump to conclusions about how I've sold my soul and become a telemarketer, let me assure you that I am not calling anyone and annoying them at home. No, no. I'm an English Editor. It is officially my job to make sure that those people making the annoying calls don't fuck up. So I'm not a marketing demon, per se. I'm a marketing ARCH-demon at least.

To answer your first question, there don't appear to be any attractive women there. However, from my gargoyle's perch on the fourth floor, I did notice a cute girl working at the Budget Shoe store. An official investigation will be forthcoming.

I won't bore you with the details. I stare at a monitor, I listen to recorded calls, I click a few buttons. It's boring, menial work. It is perfect for me. I've found a job that has the potential to drive me to a killing spree or towards the peace and happiness that all individuals seek. It really could go either way. The people seem fine. The resident jester, Danny, was making some joke about how Chinese people eat snakes (?) and then everyone was like, "Uh oh, Chinese guy's gonna be offended." I told him that I didn't care and since I was the only Chinese guy around that he should get it all out of his system now. When I told him that my mother was from Peru, he asked if Peruvian cocaine was really the finest quality and I told him that I personally preferred Columbian. "I like this guy," he said. We all know what a social inebriate I am, but once someone enters the arena of drug humour I can take care of myself just fine.

I should mention one cool thing about the job. I'm not particularly voyeuristic, but occasionally while I'm reviewing a sales call I'll hear some funny dialogue. One customer, after going over his information with a sales representative, did not react positively to being transferred to one of our verifiers. So after the rep puts him on hold, he just goes "Oh, fuck this" and hangs up. I will be privy to such gems on a daily basis.

My hours are from 4:00 in the afternoon to midnight and I have to work Saturdays (I get one weekday off), which would be ridiculous except for the fact that it fits my peculiar habits to a tee. I was hoping that I would land a job that would force me to, you know, live like a normal human being, but for now I'll settle for convenience. This also means that I'll be missing a lot of Raptors games, but they're one of the few teams who have all their games put up on Mininova, so I'll be fine.

As for your second question: No, I don't know exactly what I'm doing here. Do I ever? I give this place six months, tops. Then I'm blowing this popsicle stand.

*****

Max's Christian basketball team is apparently doing well, but I recommend that he adopt the much vaunted Triangle Offense. Learn it, bitch!

Speaking of Max, he turned me on to this crazy indie band called Animal Collective, another one of those indie supergroups. Well, check out the video for the first single from there latest CD, Strawberry Jam. The song is called Peacebone. As I told Shirley the other night, if you can last past the first minute or so, you are officially cool.

Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Fuck you.
Fair enough.

11/21/2007 11:49:00 PM | Comments (0)

I had this whole great big post prepared that was full of enlightened comments and hilarious witty quips, but unfortunately I had written it on a napkin that I had shoved into my pants pocket, and now I cannot find it. I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that I am now wearing a different pair of pants. But I'll never know for sure.

Why not just rewrite it from memory? Because there's some things in this world that you can only get right once, and I will not have anything diminish that snapshot of perfection I created on that napkin. Maybe I just left it at work, and I'll find it in my special drawer, caked with dried blood and semen...next to all the others.

In the meanwhile, please entertain yourselves with Green Team featuring Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and John C Reilly. If you've wasted half the amount of brain cells I have watching horrible creations from that trio, then you should be able to figure out where this thing's going like 30 seconds in.

It's pretty bad...even for them. Yet at the same time...nothing surprises you.

Okay, good stuff.

I got a murder boner!

11/20/2007 12:27:00 AM | Comments (0)

I made this music video with some classmates for our Medical Variety Night.

Just imagine - all that time wasted could have been better used learning to save lives.

Adddendum: I think I posted a link to a video called "Fear of Girls" a while back. Apparently, they have a sequel that you can hit up here.

11/14/2007 03:06:00 PM | Comments (0)

Jub Jub

Peacebone - Animal Collective

First, a quick basketball related link. Raptors fans, check out the first thirty seconds or so of this postgame interview from last year. Tim Duncan talks about Rasho Nesterovic. Tim's humour is so dry that I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. Either way, Rasho is awesome.

Second, from the "Max Wong Should Have Posted This Months Ago When He First Heard About It But He's A Lazy Fuck So I'll Just Do It Now" Department (or the MWSHPTMAWHFHAIBHALFSIJDIN Department for simplicity's sake): Marié Digby. This lady has become famous for doing a cover of Rihanna's Umbrella. I find that song insufferable, but like Rob in High Fidelity re-evaluating his opinion of Peter Frampton's Baby I Love Your Way after seeing it performed by Marie DeSalle...now I kind of like it. Check out some of her other covers and original songs if you have the time. I think her cover of Britney Spears' Gimme More is just aces. If you need any more prodding, all I can tell you is that she is so gorgeous and talented that I am depressed thinking about it. I can't give a higher recommendation.

Lastly, today was my convocation. There's not much to say about it. It was brisk and painless and necessary. Some people say that when you get your degree you become a man. I don't think so and I doubt anyone actually says that, but I needed to transition to this next link somehow. As seen on 30 Rock, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah:

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!
Spooky, scary!
Boys becoming men! Men becoming wolves!

11/13/2007 02:41:00 AM | Comments (0)

Just barely, and I only noticed because I was outside walking to pick up my comics...but it's that time once again this year.

Snow dad's better than no dad!

11/08/2007 03:09:00 PM | Comments (0)

Here's a Youtube series that uses action figures called Marvel/DC. It reminds me of those random comic strips Al and Will showed me from Wizard magazine.

After Hours
Goblin Bloggin'

Check out some of the others after that. After Hours has a bunch of parts, and like a real plot or something.

EDIT:

Oh yea, forgot to mention that our favourite Asian web celebrity, Chez Tam from The Lonely Island, has a new 3 part show out called How to Become an Internet Celebrity.

11/07/2007 08:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Leaving

California - Phantom Planet

Yes, I know that I went to Massachusetts last week and not California, but I can't get this damn song out of my head since Max was out my house a few days ago and we were watching an O.C. rerun. So there. Now let's see if I can give you a reasonably short recap of my journey.

Day 1

The first long road that we found ourselves on was called Ridge Way. It was quaint, to say the least. Kind of like Main Street Markham, but for over a hundred kilometres. We passed through a few places, including Clarkson and Albany. I mention Clarkson because I noticed they had a veterinarian there and since it was an agricultural town with a population of about six hundred, I figured that he/she probably saw more business than other members of that particular medical community. He's probably like House, having to find out why the sheep aren't breeding or why some dude's horse has turned inside out. The other doctors are stuck with deciding how to best remove a ping pong ball from some moron's throat. I would suggest a tracheotomy.

I mention Albany because, well, someone should. For the life of me, I couldn't think of one significant thing about Albany. Landmarks, famous people, natural disasters...I got nothing.

I also had my first highway driving experience, which was fun except for the fact that my mother was in the back hyperventilating and praying to whatever God she believes in to protect us from what she perceived to be an inevitable accident with me at the wheel. That was distracting. In all fairness to her, I did almost fall asleep while driving so it's good that we were covered with The Big Guy for that particular stretch of the road.

Day 2

I regret falling asleep while we were passing through Vermont. If you've never been on a Vermont highway, it's nothing but rolling hills and trees graced with beautiful, autumnal colours. It goes without saying that Massachusetts in the fall is absolutely gorgeous. I never got tired of it.

We visited my Uncle Oscar and my Aunt Jessica. Considering that Uncle Oscar had recently undergone major life saving surgery, he looked pretty good. Thankfully, my parents didn't force me to sit and watch them share stories and I was allowed to wander over to the living room and watch football. That was nice. I did get to see them chat during dinner and at one point my mother asked if his surgery was done by an Indian man because "Indian people have no feelings" according to her. That is classic racist mom right there.

Later, we went on a walk through a cemetary, which she had been looking forward to for a while.

Day 3

The return to Avon, where I lived as a wee one. Let it first be said that in Avon, you can find a Dunkin' Donuts, an auto shop, a cemetary and a bowling alley on every corner. That's what life is all about there. We stopped by the old house and were fortunate to catch the latest owner as she was stepping out to get something from her car. I'll say this about my parents, they never hesitate to address a stranger. She was accomodating and not at all scared, so that was good. My old house looks really small now.

Later, we visited an old friend of my folks who was now working at a jewelry store at this lovely strip mall. She divorced her husband some years back and my parents were telling me how unhappy she was back then. It was a sunny day and when she saw my parents she looked genuinely ecstatic. They spoke for five or ten minutes and it was obvious that she had moved on with her life and seemed to have found peace. It was a cool moment and I'm glad we stopped by. I knew something positive could come out of this trip.

I did not manage to track down my childhood crush Maura Davenport unfortunately, as we were told that she was likely away at school. My life was not meant for such dramas. I learned that a long time ago.

We also stopped off at a beach in Cape Cod and my father mused on the ecology of the seagull. He talked about how their lives were so repetitive and ultimately meaningless. They just eat and sleep and fly around. I thought that was a charming, if somewhat cryptic way of looking at things and let him know that I found that lifestyle to be appealing.

Day 4

Ah, Newport, the rich part of Massachusetts. We'd visited some pretty skeevy locations up to this point, but Newport was right up my alley. We walked through the backyard of this one mansion and I imagined all the cocktail parties and orgies that must regularly occur here. I let my mother know that I found that lifestyle to be appealing. There was also a ritzy university up there whose name escapes me, but seemed chock full of young, wealthy, impressionable ladies. My youth is being wasted. The best part was this long path by the shore that you could walk along for hours. My mother and I walked for a while as my dad stayed in the car listening to an audiobook. We found this odd looking tree that seemed to grow horizontally as opposed to vertically that my mother says I took a picture with when I was younger. I lay down on it and told her to go on without me and come get me on the way back. I stayed there listening to the music, staring up at the sky and branches for about a half hour. They should have left me there.

That night we ate at this sandwich shop called "Pie In The Sky". There were these three teenagers working there and they seemed to know the names of most of the customers and my mind again began to fill with thoughts of a squandered youth. I want to live in that small town and eat at the same sandwich place every day and fall in love with a marine biologist.

Day 5

Somewhere in between getting on to the boat to Martha's Vineyard and my father calling me an asshole for making him and my mother worry about me I wrote this:

I gave you my best and it wasn't good enough. It wasn't nearly good enough. And I swear that I never hurt you or let you down intentionally like some of the other assholes you've been with.

All I wanted was a fraction of the care and affection that you gave them. I didn't need it, but I wanted it so badly. Now I don't know what I want. Mostly, I want to tell you off. Make you feel bad. But that kind of talk never helped anyone. A small part of me thinks that there is hope for us as friends, but I have no idea how we can reconcile. It's funny, you always ask me "What do you want me to say?" when we have any disagreements. I honestly cannot answer that question.

I know it was my decision for us not to hang out anymore (as you reminded me). But I only said that because you weren't treating me with any respect. All I wanted to know was why we couldn't be a couple and, coward that you are, you were left speechless. Now we haven't spoken for months and, as the saying goes, the silence has spoken volumes.

"I just don't feel that way about you" is not an adult response. What am I supposed to do with that? You couldn't be real with me for one second and that, more than anything, explains why we've fallen apart.

I've gone out of my way not to talk about her on this blog and that is essentially what remains of what I'd planned to be this enormous, multi-post that I will, in all likelihood, still end up publishing. For now, that's enough and I feel much better having put that out there. I won't mention it again.

Day 6

The long drive home. My second highway stint was much safer. Since there isn't much to say about this last day, let me express why I would rather have not gone on this trip. For one thing, I didn't need to go on a vacation. As I've said before, my life is a vacation. What am I getting away from? The one thing I would like to get away from is my parents, God bless them, but they were with me step for step this entire trip. Well, they did let me wander off a couple of times but that leads me to my second problem. I am alone. There's no way of getting around that. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family. But until I meet that person with whom I can share these wonderful experiences with, I am alone.

Shuffling through piles of leaves. Strolling along a beach in Cape Cod. Admiring the artists of Province Town. Walking the freshly cut grass of Newport. Taking in the sea air of Martha's Vineyard.

I love my parents, I truly do, but as long as they are looking over my shoulder these experiences seem...insubstantial. Every situation is controlled, supervised, safe. I like being safe, but it was too much. There was never that feeling that anything could happen because it couldn't. There were these awful situations where I didn't feel like, say, bike riding for example and because I didn't want to I felt like my parents held themselves back from doing that. I only went on this trip because they wanted me to go! Moments like that were miserable.

I'm grateful that they took care of me on this trip. It was excellent. I only wish I actually had someone to share it with. I can't stand keeping my perfect little world to myself anymore.

*****

Baseball announcer Joe Buck was on Late Night With Conan O'Brien a few weeks ago and Conan made a wager with him. He said that he was always trying to insert the word "jub jub" into whatever he was working on and if Buck managed to fit in jub jub during a broadcast of the World Series, he would donate $1000 to a charity of Buck's choice. The results were less than epic. Conan would later say that he wanted him to say it during an important moment in the game, like if someone hit a home run he should have said "It's going...going...it's a JUB JUB!" He is currently trying to get Charles Barkley to say it next.

Raptors Mop Girl update: It was either Max or William who clued me into the fact that Maclean's featured an article about everyone's favourite Air Canada Centre employee. This is proof that I'm not a creep for finding her MySpace page months ago, right? There is also an article about the article.

And finally, your post-post treat: An Auburn High School Cheerleader gets trampled by the football team. She didn't suffer any serious injuries, so you may begin laughing, free of guilt. And William, you can just continue laughing.

Okay, so where are the bad guys and what do we do?
Why do you hesitate each time? This man Jordan, the one who wore the ring before you...Why does he overshadow all of your thoughts and actions?
What? What does this have to do with anything? I was just think about...What is this about Hal?
You will surpass him. You already know what he could never learn.
Sh'yeah! Hal Jordan was the best. Everybody knows that. Everybody keeps telling me that, no matter what I do...I met him; the guy was a star. What could I possibly know that he didn't know?
Fear. You will surpass him.

11/03/2007 01:59:00 AM | Comments (0)