From that British sketch show That Mitchell And Webb Look (fell free to Wiki it up at your own convenience), the Numberwang series.

Fifteen
Three
Five hundred sixty two

Also, Heroin Addict Christmas.

End of post.

10/29/2006 08:38:00 AM | Comments (0)

Alyssa Alexandra Muise

The Way Things Are - Fiona Apple

She called me Eric. That's usually not a good sign. I'd been thinking about Alyssa all week and she couldn't even remember my name. Rather than panic, I took a deep breath, remembered that all Chinese guys look the same and politely corrected her. The situation was already kind of awkward. My friend Heather was back, so I had to introduce them and engage in a three-way even though I was only interested in getting some one-on-one time with Alyssa.

I managed to disengage from Heather after some post-class, "how's-your-play-going-hey-maybe-I'll-come-see-you-perform(-even-though-I-really-won't)" banter. You know. That old chestnut. Alyssa asked where I was going and I told her she should come with me to Wetmore Hall since I had to meet Julius there and she needed to find a couch to rest her sore back.

I met up with Julius and a few other people I met during Frosh Week. She got the impression that I was this super-sociable, bro-type. Ha ha ha. Nice. We sat there for a while, her relaxing and me not doing my readings. I got to talking about high school and who she took to her prom (thanks for the advice, William) in a desperate attempt to uncover any potential "boyfriend bombs". I was like a U.N. inspector searching for WMDs. Or not. Anyway, I found nothing...yet. I did, however, find out that she's part of the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority. The same sorority as Tanya. Yep, she's friends with The Ice Queen. There's three things I can do with this information:

1) Employ the services of Tanya to help me hook up with Alyssa.
2) Make sure Tanya never, ever finds out that I'm going after her friend.
3) Scream, go home, burn my all clothes and have a good cry in the tub.

I'm leaning towards option 1. Tanya and I have been on good terms lately and besides, I can trust her to make me sound like a class guy, right? Right.

What bothers me the most about Alyssa being an *ahem* "Alpha Gam", is that she's not exactly the shy girl I'd imagined she was. Nope. She parties with frat boys all the time! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGH! Am I fucked? I'm fucked, aren't I?

Yeah, things were going downhill pretty fast. I had to improvise. As she was preparing to throw away a box of raisins, I bet that she wouldn't make it into the nearby trash receptacle. If she did, I said I'd give her one of my World Famous Big Al Piggyback Rides to the AGD house. She made the shot and we made plans to meet after our respective classes. The good news is that even though she got out half an hour earlier than me, she decided to stick around. That was a relief. Unfortunately, the logistics of her bag weighing about three tons meant that I couldn't possibly give her a ride without her straining her back even further so I wouldn't be showing off my mule-like strength on this night. Also, she was with her sorority "sister-daughter", so I felt like I was tagging along with them rather than being some suave gentleman who was providing her safe travels through the dark university streets. I did insist on carrying her bag though, which I hope relieved her at least a little.

When I finally dropped her off at the house, I got a hug, which was okay. However, I also got kind of a "friend vibe". Damn it! How do I keep doing this? I've only known her for, like, three total days. This sucks. I'm calling her this weekend. That's it. I don't care.

*****

My apologies for having nothing to post about but my latest failures with the opposite sex. To make up for it, I give you Conan and supermodel Izabel Goulart. The best stuff happens after the 5 minute mark. Enjoy.

So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
Good for you.
I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
It's not like that at all.

10/27/2006 03:17:00 AM | Comments (0)

I share my room with Mr. Monkey Man. In case you are not intimately familiar with Mr. Monkey Man like I am, he is my robotic toy gorilla, known to me through his formal name Iron Kong. The one I have is a Techno Zoid ("Don't. Just. Build 'em. BRING 'EM TO LIFE!!!") which I am fascinated to discover was actually the sixth overall release of the toy - second in Canada. It astounds me that they're still selling essentially the exact same model today as they were back in 1983. This world has known the Iron Kong longer than it has known Choking Yak.

I got him for Christmas when I was like 10 or something, and I've long since lost his shoulder missile launcher. Also, about five years ago (probably happened much earlier, but that's when I discovered it) the original D battery I put in him leaked and the acid eroded his insides. I think he can still walk if you put in a fresh battery though. I mean he's just plastic.

Anyway, when I was rearranging some stuff in my room last week, I managed to forget that I had set him down on the ground in front of my bed. And when I turned off the lights to sleep, I ended up kicking him and embedding bits of miscellaneous plastic parts into the soles of my feet. Now there's all these grey plastic bits all over my floor...and I can't figure out how to put them back on. Something I managed to do when I was ten (though admittedly with the assistance of some long lost instructions) is now completely baffling me - supposedly with a whole additional decade's worth of experience and savvy more than my 10 year-old self. I don't know which parts are which, and I don't know where they go! They just don't fit!

I've been working on him for two days now with no real progress. I am bummed out!

By the way, random unnecessary fact that you didn't really need to know at all about Choking Yak that will leave us both somewhat mildy embarrassed - there was approximately three weeks somewhat recently in my life (within the last five years or so) when I become completely infatuated with Zoids. I just thought it was really cool that one of my favourite toys as a kid (the aforementioned Mr. Monkey Man) were making a comeback. And I figured I could answer that genetic calling of all nerdy Asian males to build obscenely detailed Gundam models with some snap together children's toys instead. I even bought some of the cooler/MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE ones on eBay from some dude in China. Then I learned that the comeback was because of a new anime series...and all the enthusiasm I had just completely vanished. Just one of perhaps thousands of very short lived interests and hobbies I've had in my relatively short life so far. I still have a few boxes of untouched Zoids sitting in my room. I don't know if you've seen them - but those boxes aren't actually empty.

I always do this. I get all jazzed up about something and I go way too far with it. Like last summer. I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis. Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage.

YEAH! I think I like short hair. REALLY SHORT.

Anyway.

That personal bit of rambling went far longer than originally anticipated. Now I have what appears at first glance to be an actual post, full of content. Throw in a couple links, and I'm done!

- You ever hear that story about The Purloined Letter? I think it was something about hiding in plain sight. I don't really remember - I learned about it from an episode of Wishbone in like...high school. Why am I watching Wishbone in high school? Because I had fourth lunch and fifth spare and I liked to watch children's programming and while I ate Lucky Charms when I got home. It was called "The Pawloined Paper". Lots of Rupert The Bear, too. I was the coolest guy in Richmond Hill High School WITHOUT A SINGLE DOUBT.

...where the fuck was I going with this again...?

Ah yes.

- Opposite Day from DerrickComedy.com - everyone's favourite bro rapers. (Here's the link, because you'll probably want to watch it again now that I've mentioned it.) I still don't know if it's lots of practice or excellent improv that lets them run cuts that long. Very impressive though, lots of respect for that.

- NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!!! Just retarded. On every single possible level. Impossible not to laugh though. I found this like a week ago, and I'm just posting the link without having seen it since...and I can't help chuckling to myself right now. It's burned into my brain! I'm going to watch it again.





...still funny.

10/26/2006 12:05:00 AM | Comments (0)

Gather closely, my fellow Brothers of the Church of Bauer, for the time has come upon us once again...

24trailer.com

The return of Triple P! That's right, Psycho President (Montel Williams) Palmer.

All ya'll mothafuckas dead.

PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!!!

10/24/2006 09:16:00 PM | Comments (0)

No excuses. Any time that you're called out on a lack of updates by Dan "Hotshot" Hocking, you have to step it up. Regardless - always nice to hear from Danny Boy, since I'm never on MSN and I'm certainly not going to hear anything about him from his blog. (Take THAT, white man!) Sad that yet another posting slump has immediately followed an earlier slump that was supposedly ended with a vow to never slump again. But if you honestly thought that we would stop being lazy and actually believed something we said, then really, you have only yourself to blame. I mean, trick you once, shame on me. Trick you five hundred and sixty two times...shame on you.

With that said, I hereby vow never to slump again.

I was actually at a point where I wanted to post, but I just didn't know what to post. And that's a silly thing to think. I've always believed that there was never an inappropriate time to throw up two dozen words of gibberish followed by a YouTube link or italicized Ferrellism, even if you hadn't posted in like...I don't know, three years or something. But the first one is always the hardest, justified or not. So to get that one out of the way first, I thought I'd share something that's been bouncing around inside my head for the last little while.

Lately I've been having fantasties about being in a car crash.

Which is a fact that I shared with AL and Max last week while on the highway to Ajax, much to their delight. Note that they aren't "premonitions" or "fears" - I'm talking about "fantasties." I'm finding my mind wandering sometimes - often on the highway - and a lot of times I end up having daydreams of automotive collisions while operating my automotive at speeds in excess of 100 kilometres per hour. And my reactions to those are always among the lines of "Oh totally sweet, dude! Awesome!" So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and venture that I may not be in a fully mentally healthy state of mind.

Also that I probably shouldn't be listening to Heart on the long trips home from downtown, Markham, Ajax, Hamilton or the mailbox thirty yards from my house. No Heart in general would be a good idea.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not talking about suicide. I'm too young to die - there's still years and years left, full of Saturday evenings spent rotting away in front of video games until 2:00 AM waiting for me. I can't lose that. Not yet. The logic of suicide is something I have never been able to wrap my head around. Death is something that everyone eventually gets around to, regardless of how lazy they are. And personally, I just don't see it as all that exciting of a process - certainly not exciting enough to put in some cheatcodes to jump ahead to the ending and spoil everything. I hate spoilers. I could be wrong - death really might be a totally awesome and sweet experience, and maybe I'm wasting my time here in the mortal plane when I could be chilling up in heaven doing lines of holy cocaine of a solid gold coffee table with Jesus or something. But I'll get to it eventually if I'm wrong. And if I'm right, then I get to hang out here for a little while longer, while you'll...you know...just be dead.

Anyway. I'm not talking about fatal car crashes. I don't even really want to be hurt all that badly. It's not that crawling-in-my-skin type of deal, because I can't stand pain, and I really do, in fact, want these wounds to heal. No luleerah rides for me, please. It can take off a non-big toe or two, maybe, but that's it. These fantasties always involve getting into the most horrific and action packed crash possible without any serious injury. I just want to get nicked up a bit, that's all. Maybe a cool scar for the chicks to dig and that's it. But nothing to the face. I want to keep pretty. I don't even want it to be my fault, because then I'll be an irresponsible driver and my insurance premiums will break me. Plus I don't want to be inflicting pain and suffering on strangers in my non-sexual fantasties.

It's not even that funny, and it doesn't really amuse me as much as it may seem. It scared me at first. But it's been going on for so long that it's just stopped bothering me. One of the many great benefits of having an overdeveloped capacity of apathy as my mutant power. Sure beats having my chest blown out by pure psionic energy. It's not something I consciously want to do. Not so much because of the personal injury stuff, but mainly because that would mean my car would be wrecked, and I really like my car right now. Also there exists the very real possibility that because of the lack of injury that I'm hoping for, I'd get more anger and incredulous disbelief from people than pity.

If I were a licensed psychiatrist I'd say it was a depressing cry for attention. Like suicide, but not as loud of a cry. Just a little nick or two. Maybe even a cast for people to sign with magic markers if I'm lucky. Nothing much. Just enough for people to call me up and ask how I'm doing or someone from the office going around to collect signatures for a "get well soon" card from people I have never heard of.

And also perhaps evidence of a desire for some huge event to happen in my life to shakeup the boring, empty, and meaningless existence I wake up to everyday. Maybe I'm secretly hoping for that one huge embarrassing loss that Team Choking Yak can rally around and make a late season charge towards a championship. That one defining moment that makes you step back and reevaluate everything, the turning point in your life that will ultimately decide what path you're going to go down. Something that jolts you out of your comfortable existence and forces you to decide what type of person you are and where you want to go. Something that makes me realize just what an awesome life I lead and puts all those doubts to rest.

Also the desire to have sex with men could be explained by the fact that I am gay and I desire to have sex with men, but I knew all that anyway.

If I were a licensed psychiatrist then I would be able to correctly identify these classic symptoms of depression which would then enable me to take steps to improve the quality of my life.

However, sadly, I do not have an officially recognized psychiatry license, and so I'll never know why I think these things.

And for some reason, that doesn't really bother me.

"A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 miles per hour. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."
"Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?"
"You wouldn't believe."
"Which car company do you work for?"
"A major one."

10/24/2006 09:16:00 AM | Comments (0)

Logic Prevails

Everybody Gets What They Deserve - The Churchills

It's about time I wrote about this.

It was quite a surprise for me to discover that Annia and Ted had begun dating. I suppose it's my fault as I hadn't spoken to her in about four months and she can't be expected to keep me up to date on every little thing in her life. I've been informed that it is a recent development anyhow. After some deliberation, it occurred to me that it was only a matter of time before she began dating someone like Ted.

Let me first say that I don't know much about Ted. I don't know what he's studying or what he does with his free time. I don't know his politics. What I do know, and this is all that matters really, is that he is someone who Annia trusts. That might not be the word she would use, but it works for our purposes. Ted is the kind of guy who she should have been dating a long time ago.

Like most people, Annia has gone through considerable effort to keep her boyfriends and her boy friends seperate. That is to say, she prefers to go out with guys who she knows in a more casual way. People at her school, friends of friends, guys who share the same extra-curricular activities, etc. I don't know. However people meet people. And that seems to work for her, though I could never get a great read on how serious she was about some of her relationships. I took things as she said they were, that's all. In this case, I haven't actually spoken to her about Ted. That makes this a dangerous post because I don't know all the facts. Hell, they could have broken up already. I doubt it, though. I only hope that I haven't been too presumptuous.

I guess the point of all this is that I want to express how glad I am that she's dating this guy. I mean, yeah, things might not work out but at least this relationship already has some sort of foundation. You might say she's making an educated guess. They've got a good history so far, so why not give it a shot, right? Right. A long time ago, Annia made this ridiculous comment about how she couldn't date someone who she was too familiar with, who she knew too well. I bet she doesn't even remember that. Regardless, I'm glad she's discarded that pointless prerogative.

Hey, did you get a massage yet?
No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?
Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.
Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.
So what?
So it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato.

10/23/2006 08:24:00 PM | Comments (0)

Let's Get This Over With

Secret Heart - Feist

Alyssa. I met her last week when my friend Heather didn't show up for class. Alyssa's friend didn't show up either. So she ended up sitting next to me. I wasn't looking for conversation. After a couple of quiet minutes, she asks me for the time. That old chestnut. From there we chat, small talk to begin with. We don't even exchange names until class is half over. Afterwards, I have to go meet Julius, but I head back to Sidney Smith lounge afterwards because she says she'll be there. We talk some more.

Today, I wasn't sure how to approach things. If our respective seating partners returned, it would be illogical for us to sit together. I decide to get their early and let the players fall where they may. She shows up and either doesn't see me or decides to go back to the original seating positions (later, I learn it is the former). I don't mind. Her friend Andrew shows up. Heather doesn't. I sit alone, which is good for me because it gives me a chance to concentrate and I end up making a number of insightful comments during the class. Three, to be exact. I decide not to say hello after class. Have to find Julius.

I conclude my business with Julius and head to Sidney Smith lounge, hoping Alyssa will be there. I run into a couple of people I know. Bell and his girlfriend Wanda (or as she might be better known around these parts, "Chinese Kelly Clarkson"). Eventually Alyssa shows up and I finally go out of my way to talk to her. We sit down and I expect her to pull out her laptop and start cranking away at it so as to avoid any direct conversation with me. She doesn't. We talk for a while.

"My friend Heather ditched me again. Maybe I should start showering again."

She laughs. I ask her to come to my next class so she can see Professor Dickie, who is, like, the greatest professor ever. Unfortunately, she declines because she has her own three hour lecture to attend, which she hates. I tell her that I won't be able to enjoy mine as much as usual knowing that she's suffering a few rooms away. That gets a smile out of her. She has bad teeth, which is one of my top three turn-offs. I am undeniably attracted to her. Just like last week, when she leaves, there is that slight hesitation to pull away. There is definitely a vibe, one that I haven't felt since...in a long time. There's a chance I might see her next Tuesday, but it could be a whole seven days before we meet again. I curse myself for not getting her number or at least her e-mail. There are many things I don't know about her. As usual, I am running before walking.

You're with us Ron, what do you think?
She--sh--It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes and her hair smells like cinnamon!

10/20/2006 03:44:00 AM | Comments (0)

I just saw this in the paper and I couldn't stop laughing. Link! If we can be sure of one thing, it's that he probably wasn't expecting it.

Does the fact that I find amusement from this story make me a bad person? If not, what if I cut it out and pinned it up on my cubicle wall so that I could smile or giggle a little bit whenever I felt unfunny?

An unrelated idea - what if you duct taped like a dozen infants all over your body before holding up a bank? Would they hesitate to send dogs on you, and would police snipers dare penetrate your baby armour? Why hasn't anyone thought of this yet?

AHM A COP YOU EDEEOOT!!!

EDIT: Damn, someone beat me to it.

10/10/2006 10:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just wanted to share this hot new Batman comic.

10/09/2006 11:58:00 AM | Comments (0)

Their Story

Look Up - Stars

I watch couples on the subway all the time. Odd one today. The guy was a sleazy, confident looking fellow. Not unattractive. Not the kind of guy that anyone I know would be attracted to, but I can imagine that he gets his fair share of hood rat action. The girl...well, the girl was as ugly as sin. I don't normally like to say that kind of thing, but this chick was ugly with a side order of ugly and with ugly to drink. She was all bad skin and bad teeth. Awful. The two of them were fairly affectionate. She leaned against him and they held hands around the general area of her crotch. It was certainly sweet in one sense, nauseating in another.

I'm sure you all know that I have quite the imagination. So I wondered. Was she just a convenient screw buddy? Was this PDA just part of the routine? A routine that he would only maintain until they reached Finch Station and he could call a cab to take them back to his (or her) place for a quickie? Then he'd make a hasty exit, giving her a quick peck on the cheek and assuring her that he'd call for her services again at some later date. That made sense. After all, she at least had a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. On the other hand, maybe the guy has no taste. Or he's desperate. Perhaps in that sick, twisted mind of his, he really thinks that he's got a hot babe on his arm. Beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that. That's possible, definitely. Or maybe...maybe he sees some true beauty there. Like, maybe he's dated the shallow, air head, "maybe it's Maybelline-type" chick before and he's tired of that noise. Maybe she's got a great personality. Maybe he has to put up with his friends harassing him all the time about being with this girl, but he doesn't give two craps because for the first time in his life he can finally look into his girlfriend's eyes and not feel the urge to stab himself in the thorax with a pen knife. I don't know. Maybe she's a decent lay.

The only thing I do know for sure is that everytime I'm on the train and I see a girl with her eyes closed and her man's arms around her, I think about how I'd do anything to know that kind of trust and to be able to make someone feel that safe.

And now, YouTube links.

I keep forgetting to put this up. Here's Patrick Stewart's appearance on the British comedy Extras Or maybe I already posted this? If so, somebody let me know so I can make a quick edit. If not, then enjoy.

And here's all the Darryl Strawberry-Homer stuff from one of the ten best Simpsons episodes ever, Homer At The Bat.

Hey.
You came after me.
I had to. People like you an' me don't find each other too often in this damn world. Please come with me, Tulip.
No. No, that's not fair. You haven't the right to say that to me, and you know it...you'll hurt me again, you'll break another promise, you'll--can't you see it makes no sense for me to come with you...!
Oh Tulip, of course it don't. What we have ain't born of reason or logic 'cause love never is. It's stupid an' crazy an' irrational, 'cause it comes from in here, an' that is one thing that never makes no sense. But I do know that I have got to change a little, if this macho bullshit you talked about is gonna keep gettin' in the way. We don't gotta just accept the way things are. Just like we don't gotta let ourselves be lessened by death or any other damn thing. Just like we don't need no God to shape the world for us. We can make our lives the way we want them--or we ain't worth nothing. Now take my hand an' I swear I'll love you 'til the Goddamn stars go out.
You're--crying--
I guess I must be learnin'.

10/06/2006 02:57:00 AM | Comments (0)

Bible Shopping

Earth Angel - The Penguins

A quick story. I saw Natasha today for the first time in, like, three months I think. That's not too bad. I'm used to it with her. I hate to say it, but she's an "event friend". That is to say, I care about her greatly, but we're not currently at the point where we could hang out with each other every day or without making plans at least a day ahead of time. Nothing wrong with that.

I have a couple of hours to spare, so I meet her after my first class and we go to this Thai place and I catch her up on all the cool stuff that's happened to me over the last month. Believe it or not, I don't bury her under an avalanche of orientation week stories. I'm definitely tired of talking about it. I'm glad I did that post, because it's all sort of spilled out of my brain at this point and I'd like to have something to refer back to one day.

After lunch, Natasha tells me that she needs to buy a Bible for one of her religion classes, specifically the New Revised Edition (I think?). I figure that will take about two minutes. As you know, no statement on this website that has ever begun with "I figure..." has ever proven to be true.

Several minor delays occur before we even start browsing. First, Natasha insists on going to the Chapters on Bloor even though it closed, oh, ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO! Luckily, a woman on the street hears us bickering and informs her that I am indeed telling the truth and that we need to go to the Indigo on Bay street. A bookstore I have been to about a hundred times. That said, Natasha still insists on asking a clerk where we can find the Bibles even though I know exactly where they are. So we've already wasted a solid five minutes just getting to the section. I figure we'll be in and out now. I figure, I figure...

"Ooh, look at this one! It looks like a lady's wallet on the outside, but it's the Bible inside."

"I need the New Revised Edition, not the King James Edition! Geez, Alex!"

"I don't like the colour of this one."

Those are just some of the sentiments expressed by m'lady. I've gone shopping with girls plenty of times, but I never, ever thought that one could complicate the act of purchasing holy texts. Incredible. There was this poor woman sitting near us who I think was trying to get some reading done and enjoy some peace and quiet, meanwhile Natasha and I were continuing with our asinine chatter. At one point she chimes in, telling Natasha that she can get a Bible for free from any Church near here. This comment was meant to serve two purposes: 1) I'm confident that she saw I was suffering and was looking to help me get out of there and 2) She wanted us to shut the hell up. Natasha pretty much ignored her. At last, Natasha decided to buy one, but with the condition that she would return it if it wasn't absolutely essential to succeed in that course. This decision took 45 minutes.

I've been wanting to make a post about what classes I'm taking and giving you some commentary on them, but unfortunately, I've had absolutely no time. I say unfortunately because my classes are cool so far. Even my Cinema Studies classes, in which I spend 8 hours a week with a teacher who is completely useless, are tolerable. If I get the chance I'll definitely give you guys some more details, but don't be surprised if, due to my newfound dedication to actually studying (how novel), my posting becomes near non-existent. As if you'd even notice, eh? I'll definitely be back posting regularly in the winter when I'm all depressed and complaining about how cold it is. Everything is right on schedule!

That was completely boring. I might as well have cut a slit in a piece of meat.
You still have to pay. I can moan and tell you what a big dick you've got. But that costs extra.
It's such a squalid, messy act, so you want the appropriate surroundings...I mean, this is a step in the right direction, but...
We can do it in the alley round the back, if you want. But that costs extra.
What bothers me is the temporary loss of control that comes with release. That's probably why I've stayed clear up 'til now. Perhaps if there was some element of degradation at the beginning, that would help me to put it in context...hmmm. How much does it cost to piss in your mouth?

10/04/2006 01:03:00 AM | Comments (0)

I was trying to think of a witty lead-in to a Link Post full of YouTube links, and I had something pun-related along the lines of "What do you call...?" with the answer being "YouTube!" I mean you can only say "here's some YouTube links" so many times before you want to stick popsicle sticks into your eyes.

I was thinking maybe like..."What if you had a friend...and his name was like...Tube? And then he was in a crowd of people, and you shouted out 'YOU!' but he was in a crowd so he wasn't sure if you meant him. And he would be like 'Who? Me?' And then you would have to say 'YOU! TUBE!'"

And then I thought "...that's fucking retarded." And I would have scrapped that idea, but I realized I still didn't have a witty lead-in...so I just decided to write about thinking about writing a witty lead-in. And now at least I have a lead-in.

And we are all richer for it. Here's some YouTube links.

- FINALLY!!! Do you remember watching Spider-Man 2 and suddenly jumping out of your seat at the sight of Ashy Larry? And you're not even really sure it happened? Well IT DID - and I've finally found proof! Course, I could have just watched the movie again...but that's just not how I work.

- A video regarding the always entertaining subject of Male Restroom Etiquette. It starts off as you would expect, but at some point takes an elaborate and wildly excessive turn into insanity. I remember back in ye olden years of thy Interweb, when the first male restroom etiquette related link went around the emails - it was groundbreaking stuff. It was in quiz format, and my favourite bit was how you got beat up if you chose to pee in an occupied urinal. Homophobic toilet humour - always good for a laugh.

- I'm always amazed at how much awesomer toys are these days than when we were kids. Give me a cardboard tube and an elastic band, and I was set for like five months. Now check this out - NERF sniper rifles? Even that Maverick beats out pretty much everything available to us as kids.

- Okay, everything but this. "YOOOOOUUUULL get caught up in the...CROSSFIYAAAAAAAH!!!"

- BigDog - without a doubt - the creepiest damn thing I've seen this week. And I know it's only Monday, but I had a pretty creepy Sunday. I, for one, welcome our new kick-immune robotic overlords.

- Fancy, shiny new trailer for Halo Wars. As per industry standards, the "war" indicates RTS. I won't lie to you. I kinda want a 360 now.

- Battle Without Honor Or Humanity rendered in Pop'n Music. I have no idea what Pop'n Music is, but I figured having a seizure is a good way to waste 2:05 of your life.

- FRY DAT CHICKEN - I will never stop loving nor fearing black people. I can't even think of anything to say. That beat's kinda catchy though.

- NOW COMPLETE OPPOSITE GOGOGO - hurrydate ID: ataru381!!! ...lies. Lies. LIES!!! It's a gag. IT HAS TO BE. I'm not even listening to what he's saying thirty seconds in because it's overloaded my brain - he sounds like an angel.

That's it! Go away.

I'm about to go from ashy to classy.

10/02/2006 10:03:00 PM | Comments (0)