So who found that last Mekhi Phifer post even a little bit entertaining? Raise your hands. RAISE 'EM DAMMIT. Frick, no one? You're fired AL.

Meanwhile, here I come to the rescue. Much like last time...randomness + foreignness (Japanese subtitles?) + racism = SUPREME VICTORY

9/29/2004 01:37:00 AM | Comments (0)

All Y'All Look Alike

(soundtrack)
Ain't No Nigga - Jay-Z

So Angel and I had this exchange the other day:

Me: I think they should make more hip-hoperas.
Angel: I didn't even watch that first one. What was it called?
M: Carmen.
A: Who was in it?
M: Beyoncé. Uh...that black guy.
A: Oh, that black guy. In a hip-hopera, that really narrows it down.
M: It's that guy, uh, he was in...shit. He was in Dawn Of The Dead.
A: Didn't see it.
M: Shit. Okay, it's that guy. Not Taye Diggs. Not Omar Epps.
A: Mekhi Phifer?
M: Yeah!!!

She's the best.

9/28/2004 10:27:00 PM | Comments (0)

This is funny for the following reasons...
1) It's in German - a foreign language, which is always funny. (By the way, they do not like Hitler.)
2) The guy had a mullet.
3) The extremely high randomness level for everything. What's going on? Who is that? Why'd he do it?

So to recap...random foreign mullets = always funny.

9/28/2004 01:57:00 AM | Comments (0)

Found this site - whatsbetter?com, that's essentially a Hot or Not, but for literally anything. People just submit completely random pictures of whatever the hell they want, and other people vote on what's better. I've seen Sean Penn go up against fish heads (Sean Penn won, despite my vote) and the state of Texas versus an S-video input jack (the input jack won). It gets boring in roughly twelve seconds, but you can check out the list of what's best for one last kick. Expectedly, it's pretty much just all money and sex - though it was a pleasant surprise to see Calvin & Hobbes so high up, as well as the garter belt full of daggers. Now that's classy.

Also, here's the first footage of the PSP that I've seen...and I gotta admit that it looks pretty cool. But it does seem a little big. Regardless, will I ever buy one? ...probably not. So why am I posting this? Because I'm gay.

And lastly, a stupid Episode III trailer (bottom of page). I don't really know if it's kinda strange or just plain not funny...but hey - it's a link. And lately I've had absolutely nothin' to post, so I'll take whatever I can get. Least it didn't have that fat Star Wars kid in it.

9/26/2004 11:42:00 PM | Comments (0)

Kinda funny flash.

S'all I gots.

9/25/2004 03:31:00 PM | Comments (0)

I don't know if there's a superhero that shares a similar backstory, but if so, this guy should be added to the New Marvels. If not, maybe a supervillain?

Either way, I'm sure everyone will have a chuckle imagining a little kid tearing the raw flesh off the bones of a squirrel with his teeth. Oh wait, it's just me? I'm the only one? What's the deal?

As an aside, these are cool balloons to attach to the back of, say, a car-destroying Lexus SUV.

9/24/2004 02:04:00 PM | Comments (0)

Going Limp

(soundtrack)
I Think I Love You - David Cassidy

For the past couple of weeks I've been obsessed with Deborah Wagner. For the sake of those who I may not talk to regularly or who don't listen to me anyway, I'll recap. She's this amazingly hot girl in my Books And Readers class. I mean, she's untouchable. She's completely unattainable. If people saw me with her, they would think that she lost a bet or something. If I ever decided to marry her, it would be impossible because any priest would say that I've clearly made a pact with Satan and he wants no part in that (joke copyright: Just Shoot Me). She's amazing.

But I'm over it. At least as far as worrying about it goes, I'm over it. I made a few weak attempts to talk with her and they were met with either polite chuckles or disinterested responses. Admittedly, I hadn't tried my hardest, but the fact that I had to try at all and that I felt so badly after I'd failed makes me feel ashamed.

Luckily, I woke up Wednesday morning and realized, "Wow, I don't care anymore." Not just about her, but I felt oddly apathetic to most of the things in my life. It was a pathetic, yet liberating state to be in. I can't remember the last time I stressed so much over a girl who I know nothing about. It was ridiculous and I apologize to anyone who had to listen to me talk about her as much as I did. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy attracted to her and it's something that I want to pursue, but I'm just not going to be such an ass about it. So I'll keep you all updated on this one superfans!

Speaking of updates, I'm still in my "depressed, yet satisfied" mood. Like I said, I'm having a problem putting things in my life into perspective lately. I go into every class just hoping that I don't fall asleep. Amazingly, I haven't been doing that too much. Good Lord, I'm babbling. Let me just tell you about my day.

After Short Story Collections, I met up with Julius for lunch. I thought it was just going to be the two of us and we were going to have another one of our intellectual discussions about politics, society, relig...ah, who am I kidding. We were going to talk about poontang! However, wouldn't you know that we couldn't talk for 10 minutes without one of Julius' lady friends showing up. She was this cute girl named Athena (nice). It's funny because Julius has this ability to make anybody comfortable in a social situation and, as you all know, I have the ability to make people feel EXTREMELY UNcomfortable in social sitations so...it was like a battle of good and evil. I wasn't being totally anti-social though, and she was a "chronic laugher" (someone who laughs at everything, do we have a term for this?) so it was cool.

I came home and those S.O.B.s at work called me to come in early. It was good though because it was a slow day and they actually let me start training someone! I didn't even get her name, I was just so happy that they trusted me with that task! I'm all growns up, baby! Here's some other work highlights:

* I've grown real comfortable with the people at work. I'm cracking jokes, poking fun, walking around in my underwear...it's good times all around.

* So many damn flies! And once I see one, I start to feel itchy and I'm constantly asking customers if I have a fly buzzing around my head. Then I take the grocery divider and start thrashing wildly. One of my coworkers, Greg, was like, "Dude, just spray them with cleaner. It's easier." I explained to him that there was no art or skill to that. He said, "You can't argue with success." Then I impaled him.

* I've been talking to this new guy named Said ("Sai-eed") a lot. He seems like a nice enough fellow.

* It's always...interesting to witness familial disputes happening right in front of you. There's the usual "Child, if you don't stop whining I will smack you!" which is always funny, but sometimes you get some real gems. Today, this strung out couple was disputing the quality of some plums. It was partly my fault, because I was like, "Are these plums?"

The husband: Yeah.
The wife: They don't look so good.
The husband: They're fine.
The wife: Okay. You're the plum expert.

Ha ha ha, I almost pee'd myself. I'm using that on one of you guys, so watch out. "You're the plum expert." Damn, that's good. By the way, I think I'm sleep deprived right now.

So yeah, it was a good day. Somehow I don't think that was properly expressed, but I assure you it was in it's own bizarre little way.

Twelve bucks now, Heinemann--ah, not to give offense, friend, but what the fuck're yeh starin' at?
Not wantin' to give offense either, but I bet yeh twelve dollars yeh can't do to me what yeh just did to that other fella.
Ha! Well tell us this, have yeh even twelve dollars to bet?
No.
No, I didn't think yeh had. So what's in it for me if I win, then?
Yeh won't.

9/23/2004 10:59:00 PM | Comments (0)

Time for links!

So you say that the SUV/pickup market is getting out of hand? Guess I can't really argue. You know what's the best bit? In this age of rising gas prices, this sucker goes seven miles on a gallon of diesel. I mean...WOW. Though I will say one thing for it - it does kinda look like Optimus Prime.

And check these out too. ...I don't really have an explanation for this. Some of them almost look like cheesy Power Ranger zoids from the later, crappier seasons.

Lastly...I found this neat thread about this guy's scary looking dog. Sure, the picture's cool, but the real fun is in the thread. Some quality photoshopping work in there - this one's my favourite. But I'll let you check it out yourself. I've gone through the thread, and pretty much everything's kosher...however, there is one goatse.cx picture - although with the yucky parts photoshopped out - makes you wonder what kind of crazies (a) still have access to a picture like that and (b) who would take the time to open it up in Photoshop and tweak it. Just boggles my mind.

Be careful though. While I'm giving the okay to check out the rest of that one thread, browse the rest of the General [M]ayhem forums at your own risk. I pretty much stopped checking that forum, because last time...I stumbled onto several graphic, close-up pictures of a guy having sex with a crab. You think I'm just joking...but...oh God in heaven...I wish I was.

Oh Lord how I wish I was.

9/22/2004 10:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

Light Jab #9238

Two posts in one week?!?! No fucking way you say? Well, that's partly true because this post is just a shameless plug for my new "bloogle" site. Now what is "bloogle" you might ask? Well its the combination of the words "blog" and "doodle". This site is dedicated to doodles I conjure during classes/lectures and it will hopefully be something I update quite often. So with that said...

http://maxsnax.blogspot.com/

Additional notes:
- Will, nice touch on the booth sign above Brian and my own head.
- Btw... Talim wasn't the hottest girl there. This one is.
Chiu with chick.jpg
- Also... I bet no one noticed THIS did they.
Talim and Cookie.jpg

I'm from Ajax bitch!

9/21/2004 07:51:00 PM | Comments (0)

Light Jab #582

Never thought you'd see me post again did you? I'm too lazy to check the archives, but I think the last time I posted was about 4 months ago (the beginning of summer). You readers probably though I was dead (or at least you hoped I was). Well, now that school has started up again I believe my weekly/monthly post will also resume. Before I start, I will warn you that this is a LENGTHY post. The entire middle part of it pertains to a sports related adventure and the rest of it is just flat out useless because it's about my life. So for all you non-sports people and Max-haters (quite a lot of them apparently) stay away from this rant. Also due to the length of this post, it might eradicate Will's previous post about our trip to the CNAnime expo. Check the articles section for it! Without further ado...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the return of the Light Jab!

Since I haven't posted the entire summer, most people would probably be like "Oh he was probably busy with life during the summer, that's why he didn't post!". Yeah, right. I spent my entire summer working at the pool and generally having a whole lot of fun.

I worked at the pool starting at the end of May all the way through mid-August. Although I'd love to say something negative about my experience there (because that's the kind of asshole I am), I really can't. I whole-heartedly enjoyed my time there and I love the people who worked with me (the pay wasn't bad either). I know people who dread going to work because they don't like what they're doing or they don't like who they're working with. I wish I knew how that felt but sadly, I don't.

Working at the pool is such a wonderful experience for me. I meet lots of different kinds of people and I get to work kids, which I think I'm actually pretty good at. Plus, the view during the swims doesn't hurt at all...ooh so many little kids... Huh, what? What's going on here? I blacked out for a minute, I'm sorry. Anyways, back to how good my job is and how crappy yours was. Probably the main reason I come back to this pool every year is the staff that work there. Such an eclectic group of human beings. They make the whole pool feel like one big family (as cheesy as that sounds) and I've made a lot of good friends here. From the weekly Sunday soccer games to the random events like dinners or lunches, what other job offers this many staff socials? This would probably be an appropriate time for a shoutout list so here goes:
(To anyone I missed, you were probably unimportant anyways. I'm just kidding; I'm just forgetful that's all, sorry :).)
CL-Man, this summer was crazy, we ran the show :). / JK-You kept me alive session 3! SERIOUS. Good times... / Dre'-Thanks for being DD that night! You're my boy! / AC-I got my pants back, thanks. Soo hammered. / SC-See ya on Sat. Again. Sigh. :) Jk / AB-No shifts with you... :( But Sat. in the fall will be awesome. Promise. / SL / TC / BL-Lane ropes dude. :)

Wow that felt like a high-school yearbook message. Yikes. Back to the rest of the summer, I did some things I'm not too sure whether I should be proud of. Closer to the end of the break I picked up a game for my Xbox and it changed my life. ESPN Football 2K5 is the game in question and I believe I've logged about 113 hours into it. Alex and I spent many sleepless nights playing the franchise mode to death and we are currently in our 3rd season. Here's an extremely long cap for the sports fans:
(NON-SPORTS PEOPLE, SKIP THIS PART NOW!)
Season 1:
We made a trade for Dante "Inferno" Hall in the first couple games (he turned out to be a gem in a forgettable season). Peerless Price (our main receiver) was injured early in the season and was placed on IR for the rest of it. This led to Vick (greatest QB of all time) and Dunn (our running back) to pick up the slack. Sadly this never happened as Vick was ALSO injured for a couple games of our season and this led to lots of frustration. Dunn carried the team on his back but he was only one man and in our frustration we just decided to sim the last 6 games of our season! The results? L-L-L-L-L-L. So with that season over and no playoff berth earned, we sat and watched Peyton Manning and his Colts ride out to a Super bowl. In the off-season, we decided to draft a QB named Neil Briggs. Why? Frankly I don't really know because we already have a franchise QB in Vick. But I think it was because we were afraid that Vick would be injured. Plus, we like QB's who are black and have a tendency to scramble under pressure (which happens on just about every 3rd down play). We also made a trade for Priest Holmes in the off-season hoping that he would bolster our offense EVEN THOUGH WE HAD DUNN BREAKOUT THE SEASON BEFORE. I hate you Alex.

Season 2:
This was a whole different season all together. With our star players Peerless and Vick coming back from successful surgery in the off-season. Our team exploded with a hunger never before seen in sporting history. Although we lost our first game, we won the next 10 I believe. Each of these victories was more embarrassing for the opposing teams than the one before it. We rose quickly through the power rankings and our unsportsmanlike behavior was at an all time high. The sign of any good sports franchise. We beat opponents by an average of 40 or more, our score totals looked like a game between the Raptors and Hawks! (Bad in terms of NBA, but unheard of in the NFL.) Closer to the end of the regular season, we lost 1 or 2 games that shook us a little. One particular game comes to mind...
With the Falcons doing so well, we looked at our match up against the Eli Manning led Giants as a cakewalk. Angry at Eli's crimes against humanity (sports fans should know about this, but if you don't, google him up and learn about this whiney little bitch.) two of the Pro-Bowl bound linemen of the Falcons (Karon Riley and Elliss Johnson) set out on a mission to end his career. After many hits to the head of this young rookie, he was still standing and more importantly making completions. In the 4th quarter of the game, he eluded our linemen time after time and rallied his team to a come from behind victory. Absolutely stunned, Alex and I cried and held each other in a tight embrace. What made it worst was that we had to go to a party right after this game. Let me tell ya, no video gamer in their right mind leaves their game on a losing note. With this in mind, we promised to make the Manning family suffer. And suffer they will. *gasp foreshadowing!*
After earning our playoff berth, we entered facing the... I can't remember, but we won. Our division title match up was against the Brett Favre led CARDINALS (... yes the Packers traded him. I'm just as puzzled as you are.). This was an excellent game because it was a close one and I think we won like 28-25 or something. It was won within field-goal range, which never really happens in our games. Although it was close, I think it was a good confidence builder because it shows that we can win tight games too. We figured that it would better prepare us for the championship game cause it's probably gonna be a tough one.

The Superbowl! We made it! Most importantly, it was against the team we wanted to face the most. THE COLTS! Hoping to become repeat champions, Peyton Manning had only 2 things standing in his way: Karon Riley and Elliss Johnson. This game was ugly right from the get-go. By half time we were up by like 31-0 or something. Manning was sacked over and over again, and none of his audible calling would do him any good because our defensive goal never changed: SACK MANNING ON EVERY DOWN. Near the end of the game Manning managed to throw a TD pass to Marvin Harrison, but it didn't matter. The final score of the game was 68-7, I believe. It was horrific. We won the Super bowl in our 2nd season but most importantly, we embarrassed the Manning family on national television.

Our team earned many year-end awards for our incredible season. Vick was named the MVP by generating a 2500+ throwing and 2000+ rushing season albeit having only 1 more TD's(28) than he had INT's(27). Peerless Price was named the leagues most dangerous offensive weapon by catching 26 TD's, which absolutely shattering all previous records. Also our previously mentioned linemen, Riley and Johnson went to the pro-bowl after producing more than 40+ sacks per person. In our off-season we decided to let Johnson go because he was getting old and wanted lots of money. I wasn't gonna have any of that, so we released his ass along with some other role-player on our team. Besides, his backup, Rod Coleman was a hot up-and-comer and he was also a sack machine. No big trades were made as we decided to keep our core players and make another run at the bowl. We signed a young cornerback I liked by the name of Shawn Springs.

Season 3 (in progress):
This season began with a rather shaky start. We lost 3 games in a ROW starting with Week 4. Alex wondered if we were just fakers like the Sacramento Kings or the Dallas Mavericks or the Boston Red Sox. After Priest Holmes went down in the 5th game of the season with a possible career ending injury, I decided to quickly make a trade to pick up Clinton Portis (as you can see, I have NO loyalty whatsoever. If you don't produce, you are expendable.). Alex pleaded with me to not do this, but my mind was set: Portis was to become the new franchise back of the Falcons. Holmes wasn't producing anyways and Portis was young and hot. Portis instantly made an impact on our club and helped us get out of our funk (it didn't hurt that we had just discovered the juke stick too, leading to a LOT more productivity in our kick/punt return game and our ground attack.). With Portis and Vick leading our squad our team won the next 7 games in a row clinching a division title.

So that is where our story will end for now. Jeebus that was a long football rant.
(NON-SPORTS PEOPLE, YOU MAY RESUME READING!)

Cue sad summers' end music.
Sarah Harmer-Basement Apartment / The Beatles-Let It Be / Nada Surf-If You Leave / Remy Zero-Fair / The Verve-The Freshman / Eve 6-Here's To The Night / Anything from the Garden State Soundtrack

I've completely lost my train of thought. Let's see, uhh summer. I guess my summer really was all work, videogames, and spending time with my friends. Other people might say something like "Yeah see, I want to the Bahamas and then I flew over to Italy for like a month! It was totally awesome and stuff cause like I got totally drunk and met lots of guys/girls!" But you know what? Who cares? I think this may have been the BEST summer I've EVER had. Never have I felt so relaxed and spent so much time with people I enjoy being around with. If I were to compile a list of fun/memorable things I've done this summer it would be pretty impressive (for me at least). Let's see:
a) Basketball like every week with lots of different people
b) Sand Banks beaches with my family
c) Sunday Soccer
d) Going to work.
e) Football...
f) Magic with the boys last couple days before school started
g) CNAnime Expo
h) William hitting my fucking car with his Acura SUV. Fuck you. :)
i) My first speeding ticket. 87 on a 60 on Taunton. How this is fun? I dunno. But it sure was memorable.
j) Year end party at my house for the pool staff.
k) The Slide-A-Thon
l) The "car-talk". Definetely not fun, but again very memorable.
m) Any adventure Alex, Will, Gary, or Brian and I went on.
n) And some more... but this post is getting too long.

I mean it wasn't all shits & giggles, sure, I had my heart broken but who cares right? It stings for a bit and then you move on. I felt relieved after I did what I did and although the answer I got was a bit wishy-washy, I can honestly say: I'm over it. If I was ever sure of anything (which doesn't happen too often), this is definitely it. Why dwell on it when you know the results won't ever change. As the saying goes, "There are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm out fishing and I've felt a couple bites. Now I just need to get that damn hook in the mouth and give it a yank and start reeling." I'll be frank. I just made that up. But I'm a straight shooter, and you can't fault me for that.

When the good in your life outweighs the bad, then you should be happy. If you aren't, then you are worrying too much. THAT my friends, is no lie. Straight from my mind to this website.

Cheers to you guys and gals. Let's all have a good year.

MaxSnax from Ajax

9/20/2004 04:39:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oh man. So yeah, I haven't even touched this site this week...I am just out of it. I'm been sitting around listening to Dido and the patented Frou Frou/Iron & Wine combo over and over again...damn, I am a fucking mess. I woke up this morning in some Japanese family's rec room. And they would NOT stop screaming. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. But regardless, let's get the ball rolling again.

Remember when I said I'd get that CNAnime thing up last weekend? I lied. I was half-way done then - before I went insane - and it was kinda sitting there for awhile. But I got into the spirit of university, and I did what I do for all my half-finished projects and assignments - I half-assed the rest in twenty minutes flat and went to bed. Didn't bother with too much of that cleverness and wit, and I just kinda fell back on the only two things I really know - Will Ferrell quotes and racist jokes. I mean, it's a solid fallback plan. Can't really go wrong with a combination like that.

But still, I think it might be better if I warned you beforehand - I think I may have stepped over the line for both. Or more like...I saw the line, took twenty paces back, and did a fantastic flying leap over it without looking back. But then again, it might just be par for the course again - I gotta admit...I wasn't completely conscious or sane when I worked on it, so even I don't know what to expect.

Also, for some reason, Notepad keeps freaking out on me. Now I'm an HTML purist, so I do all my cooking with just plain vanilla Notepad. But lately it's been spontaneously closing on me - and I can't figure it out or duplicate the bug. It was almost like...it wanted no part in the page I was typing up. Like it could actually sense the evil. And I have terrible saving habits...so I would suddenly just lose huge chunks of work at completely random intervals. Alas I had no choice but to sell out and download a nice light HTML editor, which is essentially Notepad but with coloured tags (whoo!). Six years ago, I would have hated myself for leaving the purity of Notepad...but then again...back then I still thought blinking text was cool - now IE doesn't even support it. So that - and laziness - took me a little longer.

(Yeah, that's right. I had my own Tripod website in Grade 9. And it sucked - oh it sucked hard. Society should be grateful that the files died in The Great Reformatting of 2001. It even had the little "Under Construction" animated gifs and everything. WOW.)

ANYWAY...here it is. Along with the glorious return of the Articles page, I present to you...our first "Article" in almost two years (!)...

CNAnime 2004!

So chew on that for awhile, and let me know if there's any typos or broken links or whatnot - I didn't really check at all. Wanted to be done with that business as fast as possible. Also, let me know if you want any of the original non-edited pictures for your own perverted uses. I completely understand.

Also, just one little additional bit, for when you're finished with it - the last picture is quite possibly the best picture I've ever seen. It's brilliance. It's just...so good. It's got so many things working for it - Sheep's "What am I doing here...?" look that he perfected over the course of the day, Tom's open left hand, Lee's expression, the sheer amount of joy in Jess' face...and whatever the hell it is that Max is doing. That's just plain funny.

More updates to follow! I swear it!

9/19/2004 09:37:00 PM | Comments (0)

What The Downtown University Experience Is All About

(soundtrack)
Old Man - Masta Killa

Cherry of a day today.

I feel that I've done my best to catch up with my UofT mates over the last week and if you know me, then you'll know that that task has been...exhausting. Yeah yeah, I love these guys yada yada yada, but damn it, I'm lazy! Couldn't I have found a nice bench in the park and had all of them come visit me or something? Wouldn't that have been easier for everyone or at least for me? But I digress.

I decided to take out a day for myself. Now I know what you're all thinking: "Alex, all you do is sit around and play video games and watch T.V. Haven't you taken every day of your life for yourself? Isn't this kind of like Kramer going to fantasy camp?" I suppose you're right. Regardless, I wanted to go downtown and take advantage of what campus had to offer for once instead of going home as soon as I was done with my academic responsibilities.

After I finished my only class for the day, I headed down to the athletic centre with nothing but my bag and my balls --- *ahem* --- basketball. I immediately found a group of people to play with and we ran for about 3 hours. It was great.

I took a shower (always an unpleasant and male nude-arific experience, thank God for private stalls) and headed to Sidney Smith. I bought some bad sushi and sat down on this bench facing a clocktower. A wonderful sight, especially in today's weather, which was perfect. The only thing that was a little distracting was this rally that this group of homosexuals was having to collect money for AIDS. I didn't mind it though because 1) I came down to embrace campus life and I'll be damned if I was going to leave downtown without witnessing some sort of homosexual activity and 2) they were playing the Mamma Mia! Soundtrack. I didn't have a chance.

I must have sat there for about 45 minutes to an hour, mostly because my lunch was interrupted by a particularly persistent bee. Near the end, lo and behold The Ice Queen showed up. I shouldn't say it like that. She was walking by and I actually waved her over to come and sit down. I realized that despite all the negative experiences I've had with her, the two of us hadn't talked (just the two of us) in, like, 6 months. That's crazy. So I decided to give it a shot. It was mostly pleasant. I might have to accept that a lot of my feelings about her behaviour are just that: "my feelings". That is to say, maybe she doesn't hate me TOO much. Cool.

Funny. When I put it all on paper it doesn't seem all that interesting, but again, it was my day. I highly recommend that everyone go out and try to live one day free of obligation to anyone or anything. Just try it. You might be surprised.

I am the biggest, dumbest, stupidest, fuck-up in the whole Goddamn world for not bein' straight with you, an' I have no right to say this 'cause I've got you killed by bringin' you here: but I swear to God I love you. An' I'll love you until the end of the world.

9/16/2004 11:18:00 PM | Comments (0)

Old And Busted, The New Hotness

(soundtrack)
Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine

God help me, I tried to think of another song for this week's soundtrack...but it's been gnawing at me since we went to Kingston.

NOTE: As a result of having watched Dave Chappelle's latest standup, "For What It's Worth".

I think that Will and I have agreed that we're not going to discuss the Kingston trip in this blog as we did some stupid shit there that we're not really proud of. So instead I'll regale you with a tale of what may be my last volunteer job ever.

As you may or may not know, for the last five years I've taken the time out of my busy, busy schedule to volunteer at the Milliken Mill's Children's Festival. I started off as a lowly "floater", not the most masculine of titles. It essentially meant that I was the event organizer's bitch and whatever they wanted me to do, I did.

I slowly climbed the ranks until last year when I was a supervisor. Man, that was fuckin'...sweet. I bossed those kids around and gave them endless lectures about the value of volunteer work, school and life itself. They essentially spent the whole time trying to get me to leave them alone and let them have their breaks. But I regulated their breaks like Maverick's superior at the beginning of Top Gun. I don't take no shit, ya heard?!?

I've always looked at volunteering as a primo social event, so many new people to meet, ya know? I still remember this one time when I met this girl from South Africa...man, she was one of those Charlize Theron, colonist types. Crazy accent and all that? Beautiful, just beautiful. And we clicked as far as I'm concerned. Good times.

This year was a little different. For one thing, I wasn't really out in the field. They assigned me to handle the sound at the main stage where all the clowns and magicians and whatnot dance around and entertain the kids. The other thing was that I had no idea what the FUCK I was doing. I ain't lyin'. I got there at 8 in the morning, they send me to the stage and tell me to figure out how to work the soundboard by myself. I was just thinking, "Come on! This is getting re-Goddamned-diculous!" It seemed simple enough, though for the first half hour the main power wasn't even on so I couldn't do jack.

Eventually I figured it out and (just in time, natch) my partners finally show up. Let me say a few things about these cats. I liked them, that's for sure. It was a girl and a guy. The girl was your typical cute, innocent and tiny Asian girl. Her name was Helen. She's in the 12th grade. Actually, I'd say she was more good looking than cute, which is better in my opinion. Did that make any sense? Of course, she has a boyfriend. That didn't really matter to me since I probably wouldn't have done a damn thing anyway. She was nice enough though and since the other guy (I'll get to him) was wandering off a lot, it was usually up to us to amuse ourselves. A fun person to be around, fa sho'.

The guy was named Timothy. He was in grade 11 and let me tell you, he reeked of youth and excitement. This kid's got a lot of upside. To continue my Top Gun allusion, I would say this about Tim:

He's a hell of a flyer. In fact, he's so damn good he might have been picked for Top Gun himself. Except for one thing. HE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FOLLOW ORDERS!

He's young, cocky, full of life...he's everything I wished that I was at that age. I couldn't even lay down one of my pretentious, overbearing and self absorbed lectures on him because he was actually a decent worker. I always joke about how youth gives one a feeling of invincibility and this kid epitomized that. He was perpetually grinning, cracking wise and generally seeming to enjoy whatever he was doing. Most importantly he had his priorities straight:

1) Ladies
2) Ladies
3) Ladies

A child after my own heart. However, as I mentioned he was the super-confident type, not the ultra-pathetic type that I tend to be most of the time. So he spent most of the day walking around and flirting his ass off until he had a flock of ladies around him by the end of the day. Impressive.

So you're thinking, "Alex, you've got an attractive girl and a young prospect with ridiculous upside to work with all day, it must have been great, right?" Yes and no.

Again, the company was good. But as I mentioned before, for the first couple of hours I didn't know what I was doing! The first performer was this guy named Freddie Fusion. Sort of Bill Nye meets Carrot Top, I guess. He had some nice promotional stands so I was thinking, "This guy seems like a pro." Well, let me tell you something, after having to watch me futz around with the sound for about an hour...well, I'm going to say something that I don't get the chance to say too often:

FREDDIE FUSION WANTED TO KICK MY MA'FUCKIN' ASS!

He's a professional so he would never actually come up to me (or waste his time) and tell me off, but he was talking to one of the event organizers and audibly listing how irritated he was by the lack of quality in the sound system. Admittedly, he didn't actually blame us as far as I can tell, but as with everything, I took it personally. We also had problems with the next act, a group of circus performers, and instead of getting mad at us, one of the clowns started yelling at his mother/the animal tricks expert in some foreign tongue. Good times.

Once everything settled down, Freddie calmed down and even seemed to get friendly. At least compared to earlier in the day when (I'm NOT making this up) he sat down next to me and started singing "I want to die todaaaaaay..." to some made-up tune. Disturbingly hilarious. But yeah, for the mostpart it was a big chill-fest and the acts were decent. I was feeling it for this old school juggler/magician. He was juggling bowling pins and balancing stuff and pulling rabbits out of boxes and the kids weren't giving him no love! I got nothing but respect for Doug The Great, let me tell you. There was a troupe of Chinese dancers. The choreography was amateur at best, bush league you might say, but it's Chinese dancing so there's an inherent beauty to it, isn't there? I'd say the act had an awkward beauty. There ya go.

It was a nice day, it really was. At the end, I wished Helen and Tim good luck with the rest of their lives, because obviously I'm never going to see them again. For the first time since I started doing this job, I was bored. I'm thinking that this might be the last time that I do it. I'm hanging it up. It's just not as easy to interact with the young'uns today. I have enough trouble interacting with people my own age! Plus, all the button pushing was a real turn off. I don't know, I might be back.

Oh damn, I almost forgot to mention one more thing: I got to meet Patty from CBC Kids and formerly of the TVO network. Yeah, I didn't really remember who she was, but I had a vague recollection after people kept bringing up what a big deal she was. I didn't DISlike her, but she was the stereotypical "TV personality forced to be nice but actually rotting on the inside" type. Lucky for her Freddie was the same kind of person. They were like kindred spirits. I can say, with 60% confidence, that the two of them snuck off at some point during the day and got it on, possibly in one of the inflatables. I'm just sayin'!

So if for some reason you ever catch Patty on TV again, just remember: This is a woman who has had that ass tapped by a guy named Freddie Fusion.

Good night, everybody.

9/11/2004 06:40:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's time for another Provoking Facts from Choking Yak! (dammit, that doesn't sound any better at all the second time around)

- I've been letting the The Life Aquatic trailer just loop and play in the background while I work on the computer. I understand this is horribly wrong...but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why.

- Japanese people are fucking crazy. Seriously.

- That inspired me to work on the CNAnime thing agian (should be done this weekend), as well as to befriend a Japanese guy. Preferably a middle aged business man. That way we can go drinking and sing bad karaoke.

- Been feeling kinda down these couple of days. The sun hurts my eyes, the birds wake me up too early in the morning with their chatter, and there are dirty chinks walking around EVERYWHERE. I don't know, maybe I'm just crashing hard from Kingston and that answering machine high we had. Plus, being around that many white people can't be good for my mental health. But I wrote an email I should have written three years ago...and I got a reply. And suddenly, just like that, everything's flipped. The sun's beautiful, the birds are delightful...but there are still too many dirty chinks walking around. But at least this dirty chink's walking on sunshine. And don't it feel good.

- My son's a witch. Wait, listen...can I start over again? Wanna say something...wanna put it out there...if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. ... The necklace was made of vaginas. ... What? What - I thought we were in the trust tree with the - in the nest - are we not...? Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?

- I finally had a dream I could remember...and it involved me throwing a snowball into the sun. And then all the reptiles died. What the fuck does that mean?

9/11/2004 03:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

Two strange bits of news I found today.

Some British scientists have invented a robot that powers itself...BY EATING FLIES.

And a man who was trying to shoot seven puppies was foiled...WHEN ONE OF THE PUPPIES SHOT HIM FIRST.

I for one, welcome our new flesh eating robotic and gun slinging canine overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted internet personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

9/09/2004 09:16:00 PM | Comments (0)

So tired...must not sleep...clowns will eat me...

Found this PowerPuff Girls Doujinshi that has no right to be this good. I want the record to show that I just stumbled onto it through a completely random process - I don't make it a habit to search for "PowerPuff Girl doujinshi."

Also, here's an absolutely bizarre Rescue Rangers fan comic I found a while back - not quite as good, and made me kinda uncomfortable, although I could not help but finish it. I feel ashamed to admit that I did indeed enjoy it on some level. Lord help me. I found this baby while I was searching for "hardcore barely legal chipmunk porn."

And speaking of shameful things - I've begun getting the CNAnime thing together. I'm two paragraphs into it and I've already used the word "fag" seventy three times. So you know it's gonna be good.

And did you know that "fag" is the 18078th most commonly used word? No? Well now you do.

9/07/2004 08:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

Yak announces retirement after career high performance

The WAMBAG Press

TORONTO, ON -- Choking Yak shocked the world today by announcing his retirement, immediately upon returning from a dominating showing in Hamilton where he posted career highs in minutes played (2 hours, 48 minutes) and distance gained (217.5 km), and set a season high in number of times the same song was listened to in one trip (Afternoon Delight seven times).

Yak hopes his retirement can be as satisfying and long-lived as Michael Jordan's in 1993.

During the announcement, Yak declared that he could no longer keep up with the present day schedule, citing age and a lack of desire and love for the game. He also attributed recent injuries as one of the reasons. Though the club has officially listed his injury as a "lower body strain", exclusive WAMBAG sources have determined that his left leg had fallen asleep while returning from Hamilton, and Yak was forced to sit down after returning to Toronto. He said he was experiencing difficulty with the leg, describing the injury as though "thousands of microscopic pins and evil needles" were "f---ing stabbing into [his] flesh and eating [him] alive."

He explained that this outing in Hamilton had reminded him of his declining desire to play long stretches and served to highlight his inability to compete on a daily basis. "I feel that I've come to a point where I just can't mentally gear myself up to perform to the best of my ability and stay competitive throughout the entire game, throughout the entire season. I believe that I've proved all that I've set out to prove, and to continue on without having my heart set into it is disrespectful to myself, to the game, and to the fans. It should never get to a point where I can't find the desire inside myself to stay focused throughout the entire time and not get frustrated when things don't work out on the road. Being unable to pass that Neon going 70 on the 403 is just something I no longer look forward to welcoming every time I get back on the road, and it gave me much more trouble this time around than it ever did in the past."

Yak's sudden departure will leave teammates struggling to replace him before their road trip to Kingston this week. Both Big AL and Jess stand to lose the most, as they were the primary ones that benefited from Yak's minutes and numbers. Club officials remain optimistic that they can bring in free agent MaxSnax of Ajax to fill the hole, but it remains unlikely he will be able to replace Yak's success on the road, as well as Yak's veteran leadership, clutch performances, and uncanny charisma.

His retirement was not without frustration, as Yak lashed out at unnamed members of his club near the end of the announcement. "To all you [people] that told me a trip down to McMaster only took 45 minutes: you are all dirty, dirty liars. And I am almost completely assured that your pants are all indeed on fire."

Choking Yak has averaged 46.4 km and 76 minutes per outing this summer, both top in the league. He has career totals of 73,562.1 km and 2,225 minutes over three and a half seasons, with three different cars.

9/05/2004 09:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

Cashing Out

(soundtrack)
Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Ella Fitzgerald & Louie Armstrong

It was a busy day at work, which was a good thing. I needed it to take my mind off this fantastic dream I had. I won't describe it, but let's just say that it was good enough to put a damper on the reality of my actual life.

Much like CY, I had what was effectively my last day of regular work. I asked the people at work to give me next week off and I told them that for the rest of the year I can realistically only work weekends. I wouldn't be surprised if they told me to screw off until next summer.

I'm going to miss regular work. I need that "burden" in my life to justify all the other things I do. Like playing ESPN NFL 2K5 with Max from 9:30 in the morning to 8:00 at night on a quest to win the cyber-Super Bowl. Falcons over Colts 60-7! We did it, baby! We did it! Or going through my entire run of Green Lantern comics. Or even my daily routine of catching Late Night With Conan O'Brien at 12:35, playing MVP Baseball 2004 until 3:00 in the morning and watching reruns of Just Shoot Me. Ooh, good times.

Plus, I was finally hitting it off with my co-workers on a social level. I got into the usual "what school are you going to, what are you studying" discussions. I even had a lot of the younger girls asking me for advice on how to get into their university of choice. They're like, "An 86 average? Wow!" It's insane. Besides making friends, I enjoy the work itself. It's easy. I'm a freaking cashier. I don't even have to think about it. Obviously, I don't LOVE the job. I think anything that requires me to shut down my brain for seven hours (besides a Schwarzenegger/Van Damme/Schwarzenegger triple bill) can hardly be classified as stimulating. But damn, I'm providing some sort of service you know. I'm a cog in the machine. A brick in the wall. My conformist destiny has finally been fulfilled.

My summer would have sucked so badly if I hadn't gotten a job. Sure, I would have been doing the same stuff I've been doing now, but in even greater excess and I'd be feeling twice as bad about it. But now that I've got a little, teensy weensy bit of responsibility...well, it feels good. And I owe it all to the owner, Ed Lameiro, who hired me without a single question. He just about picked my lame ass right out of the slacker gutter. I'm putting this in print right now: ED LAMEIRO SAVED MY SUMMER.

Hopefully I'll have stuff to write about the Kingston trip. Maybe I'll even talk about the dream I had. Doubt it, though. Even I don't share everything.

Finally, I have to say that I would have gotten through this summer even if I hadn't found work, because I've got the best friends that a guy could have. Strange, I don't even have anything cynical or sarcastic to add to that. This is getting awkward. Hmm...

You're all gay.

Aaaaaahhh...I think we all feel better now.

*WARNING* Particularly explicit Preacher passage this week *WARNING*

It was a tornado. A hurricane. A tsunami crashing down upon a tower of rock. Our juices fell like rain on the inferno.
Hey!
We were not meant to even meet, let alone achieve such union. We were not created--
Hey! How much more of this horseshit have I gotta listen to?
But--
We ain't got time for a Goddamn poetry recital. An' your juices fell like rain on the inferno? What the fuck is that, is that from the letter you wrote to Penthouse?
But--
You fucked her. She got pregnant. They caught you. I know this part. Get to the Goddamned point...

9/05/2004 03:33:00 AM | Comments (0)

I need sleep (still haven't made up for my past two weeks of six hour sleeping goodness - but I will soon!) but I couldn't help reading this surprisingly interesting LiveJournal entry about Iridium - the densest stable material in the universe. I particularly like this story about how he almost kills himself with an Iridium pellet - that would be such a glorious death. Anyway, I don't have too much time to check it all out (the sleep thing, remember) but I bet there's all sorts of nifty chemistry stories in the archives. Yet another thing to fill my spare time with. Though I'm not completely sure this "spare time" thing isn't just a myth perpetuated by the Industrial Military Complex to keep us in line - 'cause I haven't seen it in quite awhile.

Anyway, some interesting stuff should be coming up now that I'm off work and looking into killing off my mental To-Do List. I had this interesting idea concerning spoons that was bouncing around my head last night while I driving home that I might turn into an article, if I can flush it out a bit more. And the CNAnime picture documentary - I haven't forgot about that one, don't worry. Frankly, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'll get that up as soon as I figure out a format for it and get the rest of the pictures. I've also had some recent ideas for The WAM that I might explore, despite common sense urging me against it. Oh, and some minor site tweaks or two - lookout for those.

Should be a fun couple days to cap off the summer in fitting fashion.

9/05/2004 01:33:00 AM | Comments (0)

I'm done. Last day of work - I finished up my projects, gotten references in order, left my contact information in case I screwed something up...I'm done. I finished everything up this afternoon, and since I had only an hour or two left here, there was no point in assigning me any more work. But I don't want to skip out early - that's a bad impression to make. But I also don't have anything to do, and with no excuse to keep hanging around...I need to kill off this last hour and look busy doing it.

And so unsurprisingly...I end up here. With nothing. No links, no angry rant, no funny story, no lame jokes. I've been out of blogging material for awhile, I know. I just haven't had the time to dig up stuff, and I've been so busy that the backburner of my mind hasn't been able to produce jems of wisdom or hilarity that I grace the world with from time to time. I am frickin' tired. And school starts next Thursday. THURSDAY!!! What the hell kind of day is Thursday to start a school year on? Come on, seriously.

So I got five whole days left to fit in all my glorious summer plans. A trip up to Queen's is in there, maybe a Blue Jays game, dinner with my cousins, and I haven't played Chu Chu Rocket with worthy opponents in a hell of a long time. Also, I'd like a whole day to myself, just crusin' down the street in my six-fo', jockin' the bitches and slappin' the hos. And by that of course, I mean sittin' around in my backyard, yellin' at seagulls and playin' some cards. Just as good really. A shame there probably won't be time for that, as I gotta help the brother move into McMaster and pick up my books downtown. Haven't had the chance to do that...though I could Thursday... And somewhere in there I'd like to fit in an appointment to visit RHHS and urinate on or somehow desecrate the property. Though to be honest, I can do that any day of the year...and I do.

I should never have bought that Office Space DVD. It's not a good influence on me. These last couple days I've been ducking people with ninja-like proficiency. Only these last couple of days though - I think I'm just burned out and wanting to get this over with. I really have nothing to do and sometimes I finish quicker than expected, but I don't want anyone to know that. So I send the emails out, put the cover sheets on the TPS reports, and I run like a bitch. Down the stairs, in case I bump into anyone on or at the elevator. But I shouldn't be doing that. Office Space was a bad choice.

Summer's almost gone. I wish I could remember a time that I actually looked forward to going to school. It's been a long while. I hated highschool...but sometimes I can't help but miss it. But why?

Ah well, I'm almost outta here - HELLOOOOOO SUMMER. It's only five days, but I swear to me...they're going to be five damn good days. Not much more to say so I'll end it here. This rambling's longer than the Nile!

I'M OUT BITCHES!!!

9/03/2004 04:35:00 PM | Comments (0)

Quick news flash - Kobe's free! A shame though, because he always played his best whenever he flew back from a trial in Colorado. Guess this means no more funny trial articles from Page 2. Ah, they were never that good anyway.

So once more, for old time's sake: Kobe!

9/01/2004 10:57:00 PM | Comments (0)